You don't want to be a permissive parent, but you also don't want to be a tyrant.  So, how do you walk that fine line when disciplining your kids?  Here, we give you five tips on disciplining your children.


Be consistent.  If a behavior is unacceptable, then it's unacceptable.  Don't send your child mixed messages by disciplining him or her only sometimes for a specific behavior.


Be calm.  Yelling and screaming do nothing but frighten or anger your child.  Remain calm, and your message will more likely be taken in. 


Give consequences.  Don't punish.  Kids will resent you and resist learning the lesson you are trying to impart.  Instead, give consequences that relate directly to the behavior that you want to change.


Praise good behavior.  Describe the good behavior in positive words.  According to the book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, avoid "evaluation phrases," such as "That's great!" or "You're good!"  Instead, describe what you see, such as, "I see you put all your books away and dusted your bookcase."  That way, children will see that you really noticed their efforts and aren't just using generic terms.


Don't accuse or lecture.  Statements like, "You always" or "You never" put the child on the defensive (do you like hearing that?).  And kids tune out long, drawn-out lectures.  Your message will get through if you use informative statements that are short and sweet.




Showing the Latest of 2 Comments

Dadcoach
2 yearss ago
This is a great post, and I also highly recommend the book you mention "How To Talk..." The one thing that I would add to this conversation is, get your kid's input on the consequences; and, involve him/her in making the rules in the first place. Of course this isn't appropriate in every circumstance, but the more you involve kids in these kinds of conversations, especially before discipline is needed, the more motivation the kids will have to follow the rules (because they had a say in making them). Thanks for bringing up this important topic.
 
NJ_2_NorCal_Mom
2 yearss ago
Another important point regarding avoidance of evaluation phrases ("good boy!") and replacing them with praise that focuses on behaviors: children internalize the messages we give them. If we praise THEM as being good, the moment they make a mistake (and come on, people, life is full of mistakes), they will reverse their former positive labels and conclude that they are now "bad." However, if the focus is on behaviors, such as helping with cooking or putting toys away, the child can choose to get rewarding language about the behaviors or not, and it's not about being a good person or a bad person. I've been a teacher for going on 17 years (oh Lord, when did THAT happen?), and I see the effects of all these different parenting choices played out in the kids I work with (grades one through eight) every day. Watching how other people's kids turn out has done a lot toward teaching me how to be a better parent. Things that are poor choices for praise/labeling: grades, sports performance, talent, musical or artistic ability (unless you focus on the effort), intelligence. Things that are better choices for praise/labeling: making good choices, treating people nicely, using good manners, working hard, being patient/taking one's time, helping someone do something, increasing one's grades/sports performance after concerted effort, etc. When more positive attention is given to the effort (process) over the outcome (product), then children can feel good about themselves because they put in their best effort, not because they got the highest grade or came in first place. Too often, I see kids (and parents) define themselves by their achievements, such as grades and trophies, which sets them up for a very painful fall on that inevitable day when they don't do as well as they've always done, or someone performs better than they do.