You've had an affair, or your spouse has been unfaithful.  Perhaps you are working out your marital problems, or you perhaps you've decided to split.  Either way, you face the dilemma of what to tell your children... and just as important, how?  Here are some tips on this difficult conversation.

• Don't tell them.  Affairs are difficult to understand if you're an adult, let alone if you are a child.  If your children have no way of finding out, don't tell them and cause them the unnecessary hurt.


• But let your children know what is necessary.  If you're having obvious problems, discuss it with your children in an age-appropriate way.  A child's imagination can be much worse than your explanations.


• And don't be tempted to sweep the affair under the carpet if your children are likely to hear about it.  It's best that your children hear about the affair from you rather than a third party so they don't feel shame or distrust you.  Consult a family therapist to help your family move forward after the affair.


• Don't let anger overwhelm you.  If your spouse is the one who cheated, you're probably angry and hurt, understandably so.  But don't badmouth your husband or wife to your children.  After all, while you might not stay married to your spouse, he or she will always be your children's parent.


• Be available to your child.  Make sure your children know that you are truly listening to them and that you understand their concerns.  Try to answer all their questions honestly in a way they can comprehend.


• Talk if cat is out of the bag.  Divorce360 provides answers for when your children find out about your infidelity from someone else.

Would you tell your children about an affair?