A while back, I wrote Heather Armstrong (from dooce.com) an e-mail. My inspiration for what I was doing right now was attributed to her. She unknowingly allowed me to see that I was normal and that all the challenges I was going through as a mother and wife were real, and I was not alone. I wanted her to know that she in fact had a hand in directly saving my life. Here is my letter:



Dear Heather,



You obviously don't know me, but I have gotten to know you through your book, It Sucked and Then I Cried.

In April of 2009, I suffered a severe mental breakdown and wanted to end it all. I no longer had the strength to go on being a career woman, a wife, and a new mom to a 20 month old. 20 months is not that new, but to me it still was. I ended up in local hospital in the mental health ward for 2 very long months.  I was apparently suffering from a double depression, regular depression (whatever that was), and postpartum depression. After the birth of my son in September 2007 I had somehow completly changed... I would have panic attacks almost all day long, severe anxitey, couldn't sleep, shower, eat, talk to anyone without breaking down, couldn't take care of my newborn. nor could let anyone else take care of him because it had to be just me, and if someone was watching him so that I could nap for just a few hours, I would just lay in bed having yet another panic attack. It wasn't until almost 6 months later after his birth, did I go to a doctor to learn that I was going through postpartum depression. Having only a bit of knowledge about this illness, I ended up taking the medication for only 3 months and discontinued use without doctor advisement because I felt it wasn't doing anything for me. I dreaded each and every day of my year-long maternity leave, hating each minute of it.



Finally in April of 2009, I just couldn't deal with being such a bad mother anymore, a mother who didn't want to spend time with her child, who feared Friday evenings because the weekend was looming, and I had to spend the entire weekend with my son  How was I going to have energy to be a wife and a mother?  I was so tired and just wanted to sleep forever...that's how exhausted I was.  I yet again did not realize that I was going through an untreated depression.



While I was in the hospital, a friend sent me your book just by chance; he didn't know that I had been admitted and had remembered me talking about post partum depression. He sent me your book and THANK GOD for that, because for the first time EVER, did I believe that what I was going through was normal, that I was not alone and that all the cliches and pictures of motherhood that everyone believes it to be was not the real life of a mother. It was through your words that I learned that what I was feeling was so real, so natural and sooooo normal that I finally had the strength to fight for my life. It was you who gave me the courage to challenge the norms of motherhood and redefine what it meant for me to be a mother and a wife. I read your book in just 2 days, relishing every bit of sarcasm, humor, pain and suffering and knew that I could get better. Heather, THANK YOU for saving my life. Although you do not know me, you have a very special place in my life. You gave me the courage and strength to battle an illness that still to this day is unheard of or misunderstood. It is with your wisdom and through your book have I seen my son in a new light; I love to be his mother and am blessed with him being in my life.



I don't know how I could ever repay you for this, but know that your words help others in need.  I hope that there are other women out there who have read your book and have been able to get the help that they need and discover what being a mother is truely about.



THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING SAVE MY LIFE.



My gratitude to you always,



Love,



Chick

Bitter Sweet Chick blogs at Bitter Sweet Chutney.