I just finished my fourth week back to work since my maternity leave.  The first two weeks were awful.  Every time I left for work I felt ripped in half.  I would kiss Emma three or four times and say, ‘I love you,’ between each kiss, just to assuage my guilt, as I walk out the door.

The first day I wasn’t too nervous, I left Emma with my husband and was off.  I felt numb through much of the day and was not at all surprised to find that I didn’t have much energy for my job.  The bell rang at 3:30 and my rear was in the driver’s seat of our Subaru at 3:33.  I kicked off my shoes in a silent entryway and turned the corner in the living room to see a satisfied husband.  I eagerly heard the recount of her day (Sleeping!!!  Eating!!!  Two bottles, I’m going to have to pump more…).  When it was time to put her down for the night I gladly took her and may have even held her a bit past when I needed to….



Tuesday went much the same.



Then Wednesday came.  I had planned on going to the grocery store after school.  I don’t answer my phone during class.  Scott knows this.  My phone rang at 3:27.  I hit silent.  It rang again at 3:32, there were students in my class, but technically school is over.  I picked up.  I hear wailing in the background.



“Um, I have a very hungry baby here, I can either warm up another bottle or you can come right home.”  I sighed, having learned the priceless commodity that pumped breastmilk is:



“I’ll be right home.”  I was home by 3:45 and she was sated by 4:00.  Obviously tired I began the process of pacifier holding, walking, rocking her to bed.  An hour and two dead arms later she was asleep in her crib.



At 6:30 she woke back up hungry and grumpy.  I didn’t have enough milk for her.  Was I dehydrated?  Did I not eat enough?  Was I stressed?  Was she going through a growth spurt?  In defeat we defrosted that precious bottle.  I sat on the floor and fed her propped on my boppy pillow, tears streaming down my face and did the fundamentally wrong act of feeding her my own breast milk in a bottle.



Several times in the following weeks I didn’t have enough for Emma.  I pumped in between feedings, ten minutes on each side; just enough to make me feel wrung out.  I drank until I was sick of the taste of water.  It felt like we were out of sync.  I would pump to make sure we had enough when I was away from her so when I was with her I didn’t have enough. 



The end to my three month maternity leave coincided with the classic baby three month growth spurt.  Just when Emma needed more milk I was away from her for five to three hours a day, and my body couldn’t respond appropriately.  Every day during my free period I sit ducked behind my computer with a pump held to my breasts, I try to type one-handed and continue to work.  Every night at nine o’clock I pump again.  Each time I try not to watch the clock as the machine sucks away.  I don’t think I need to express (ha, pun intended) how much I dislike pumping.  I never seem to get as much out as the baby can, maybe due to a lack of patience, and quite frankly it is exceedingly uncomfortable.  Not to mention watching what it does to your nipple.



Apparently returning to work is the number one reason that women wean early.  I can imagine why, in those first two weeks I was very tempted to warm up a bottle of formula.  My husband would remind me that was the most counterproductive thing to do.  So I didn’t, and because I am stubborn and philosophically opposed to formula, I persisted with pumping and drinking copious amounts of water.  If I had been given a longer maternity leave this wouldn’t have happened.  I understand that at three months mine was luxurious.  But then I hear that in Canada moms get a year paid maternity leave.  That’s almost enough to make me want to move to Canada (but then I’d have to live in Canada).  I think it’s unhealthy that we require mothers to return to work while they are still the sole source of nourishment for their child.  We now know the importance of breast milk for the growth and health of our children and yet we are still allowing arbitrary dates that companies determine, based on bottom lines rather than the health of people, to dictate maternity leave.  I told my husband that I thought maternity leave should be six months long, that way the child is usually eating solids and is not solely dependent upon the mother for nourishment.  Scott pointed out that may be bad in the long run for women because companies wouldn’t hire women in their childbearing years, which would obliterate the work force of several female dominated fields such as education and nursing.  So what’s the answer? How do we go about getting paid maternity leave that actually allows for bonding time and for the mother to adequately nourish the child?  How long should maternity leave be?  Some women if given time to think about it wouldn’t return to work and others would grow crazy longer than six weeks.  What are your experiences? 

Lara Barnett blogs at redearthsafari.