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Gender Disappointment or "Ew, a Boy!"

by Momversation on November 17, 2009 — Comments (6)

It's absolutely normal to prefer one sex over another when you become pregnant with visions of a delicate pink-clad cupcake of a daughter dancing in your head.

But to be devastated by the news of an impending son? And then giving an interview about your disappointment? Is that normal? Take a look at one woman's reaction:

Katherine Asbery was so depressed that her third child was a boy, she wouldn't even say the sex. She called him "not a girl," and spent hours crying.

She and her husband had even tried different techniques that promised to yield a girl. "That dream of what you wanted is gone, and you have to learn to live with that," she said.

According to the AP article, though, this strong reaction is also normal, at least for moms who want daughters. (What about moms who want sons? Apparently, this affliction is less common?) What do you think? Is it "natural" to react this strongly due to the somewhat ridiculously named gender disappointment? Do boys get a bad rap? And should moms really be speaking on the record about this?

Keywords

Hot Topics Pregnancy

6 Comments

MissKathryn

Oy, the tragedy of such flawed thinking. The reality of pregnancy is that if you believe you are ready for a child, you must have come to a peace in your mind that you will be OK and will survive any unexpected outcome. If you can't wrap your mind around an "undesired" outcome beforehand, maybe the painful truth is you're not ready for a baby at this moment. If your husband isn't OK with any undesirable outcomes, perhaps you shouldn't make him a father right now. After meeting many women at different stages of this thinking, I really think the most well-balanced women who are happiest in their lives got pregnant only after being able to say this;

"I'll be OK whether my future baby is a boy or a girl, healthy or challenged, autistic, mentally retarded, birthmarks, disabilities, health issues, colicky or whatever. I'm ready and know it's a risk."

Sadly, it's the ones that are obsessed with one trait or sex or coloring who seem to be outrageously self-centered. They're not much fun to be around, as friends and (*gasp*) probably not much fun to be around if they were your mom. I like being around women who are grateful for what they have. Don't you?

Tue, 2009-11-17 11:55

dunnemama

MissKathryn hit the nail on the head. I hate to see women getting upset or bothered when they learn the gender of their child. It is especially disheartening to me who has dealt with infertility and views any child as an absolute miracle. If you might be disappointed by your child's gender- or any other surprise that may come about, don't have children. Having children is not required of us, no matter what your mother says :)

Tue, 2009-11-17 13:12

Ally1979

I think you being too reactionary with your quick judgment that people deeply diapointed with a certain gender aren't ready for kids. I know MANY parents that were at first heartbroken over the verdict and not one cared a fig the day their baby was born. People have different reasons for wanting a certain gender which have nothing to do with their ability to parent. Parents don't come with a magical switch they can flick and become Perfect - all people have agendas and desires that are based on the most personal of histories. I myself wanted a boy so bad for reasons unknown. I cried when i found out I was having a girl. Now, 2+ years later, I cannot imagine life any other way, and am so blessed to have a daughter.

Tue, 2009-11-17 13:36

MCBLA

I have twin boys. I couldn't have cared less what the gender of my children was going to be, didn't matter in the least BUT it seemed that many, many people had to weigh in...
I started showing about two days into my pregnancy, so the question "do you know what you're having?", started coming up really soon... like immediately.
Once we found out it was twins, we got the "Since you're having twins I hope you have a boy and a girl. It would be shame if you have two boys or two girls." No kidding.
And when I shared the happy news that it was TWO BOYS... oh the disappointment for some friends, some family and total strangers, with the exception of a few who apparently think boys are ok.
While I was elated with the gender of my not yet born children, I started to feel major frustration at people who I guess were well meaning when offering me borderline condolences, but seriously, maybe should have just kept it to themselves.
I totally get the hope of a specific gender, I do but a healthy baby (or babies) is the goal, really. I also think a healthy reminder of what we control and what is out of control is always good.
More importantly, my own experience taught me that if you're going to ask that question or if someone tells you they're having a girl/boy/unicorn - be overjoyed for them. Keep your opinion in check.

Tue, 2009-11-17 15:29

bwankel

When I found out I was having a son, I was disappointed for about a half a second. I mean, you wanted a baby, right? And you're carrying a happy, healthy, beautiful baby. That happens to be male. You knew it was a 50/50 shot (even if you did "all the stuff"). Let's hope for the baby's sake that they never find out she reacted that way. Talk about screwed in the head. Totally agree with MissKathryn, if you're that disappointed, then it wasn't actually a baby you wanted, but the vision of being a parent that you've had in your head since you were 8. And none of us gets to have that.

Wed, 2009-11-18 11:36

THE GUYS

I get it, but don't get it.

We were in the same situation. Two boys. We decided to go for a third and yes, we got a girl. My wife was thrilled and sure, so was I. BUT......we would have been thrilled with a third boy too.

Sure I get the initial disappointment, but the thrill of having a child seems like it would erase those feelings quickly.

www.theguysperspective.com/theguysblog

Wed, 2009-11-18 17:30