My Birth Plan: How I Took (Birth) Control

When I found out I was expecting our fourth child, I was one month post-resignation from my job as a surgery scheduler for four orthopedic surgeons. My two older children, seven and nine at the time, were in school all day, so, after I resigned, my daily responsibilities were significantly pared down to the caretaking of our eighteen-month-old daughter Emma, and the growing of a healthy fetus.

Oh . . . and the watching of hours of episodes of “A Baby Story.”

One of those episodes mentioned birth plans, a concept new to me since there WAS NO TLC during my first two pregnancies, and during my third I had worked full-time pretty much right up to my due date, not catching much daytime television.

The idea of creating a plan to be followed by each person involved in the birth of my precious offspring satisfied my Inner Control Freak, my Inner Over-Organizer, and my Inner Micro-Manager all in one fell swoop. So birth plan? COUNT ME IN.

I went to my computer, Googled the phrase “birth plan”, and clicked a link which led me to a printable fill-in-the-blank-type birth plan. I was a little disappointed since I was always better at multiple-choice-type questions in school, but I went ahead and printed it, figuring I could copy some of the answers from my close friend who was also pregnant and who had always let me copy her French homework in ninth and tenth grade. (Shout out, Angie!)

I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember thinking some of the questions were absurd. For example: Would you like to avoid an episiotomy? (Answer: Why, yes. Yes, please. Aren’t all the other mothers-to-be liking avoiding them these days? ) Also: Will you need to be induced? (Answer: That would be jim-dandy. How about we schedule it for halfway between can’t-fit-into-a-restaurant-booth and my-bladder-is-falling-out-of-my-nethers? Are you available that day?)

There were two issues about which I had very strong feelings. The first, pain control, I stood firmly in favor of, especially where control was defined as “feeling none”. LOVE THE PAIN CONTROL.

The second was allowing the umbilical cord to stop pulsating before being clamped and cut. When I got to that question, I recalled that I had heard something years earlier in nursing school about that practice being better for the baby, so I checked the YES box thinking “better for the baby” probably meant shiny hair and strong nails, but now, nearly five years later, I think it actually meant healthy lungs since, man, CAN THAT KID SCREAM.

Looking back, I wish I had kept a copy of my completed birth plan for posterity and such, but, alas, I gave my only copy to the admitting nurse the day I went into labor. The rest, as they say, is history.
Katelynn was born July 23, 2004. Eight pounds and four ounces, twenty inches long. Practically perfect in every way.

Birth plan = two thumbs way up.

Jenny Motley is the author of Crash Test Mommy.