She Wants to Move

So I've heard that babies can actually be born with a disposition toward being quiet or screeching, and since then I've prayed I get the former. And now that I've voiced that thought and therefore made it real, I'm sure I'll get the loudest child ever, but there it is.

I already know that Jason was a handful as a baby. His mom told me that he was escaping from his crib before he could even fully bend his arms at the elbow. I asked my mom what I was like on the rowdiness level as an infant, hoping I was some sort of miracle silent child who slept 8 hours a night straight out of the womb.

I know that, as a toddler, my parents broke down and bought me one of those child-leash thingies because I developed a fun little habit of running away the second we found ourselves in public (I actually have some memory of this. I really thought it was fun, not only for me, but for my mom, to take off running as soon as she let me out of the car. Sorry, mom.) I was so pissed about the restriction that I got down on all fours in the middle of the Mall of Memphis and barked like a dog. When my mom reached down to try to stop me, I think I growled. Again, sorry mom.

As a baby, my mom tells me that I couldn't stand being still. She says that for months, every single time she put me down or stopped moving I'd erupt into screams. So, basically, I was a handful.

That need to constantly move stuck with me. I hate sitting still. I hate "doing nothing," even if it's desperately needed to relax. I hate sleeping in. I hate the feeling of "wasting time." I think a lot of prolonged hospital stays growing up also contributed--the feeling of accomplishing nothing, of letting laziness take hold, depresses me like nothing else.

We bought a new computer a few weeks ago after both of ours crashed. After we bought it I spent a few minutes on Amazon contemplating the purchase of Sims 3, because soon I'll have a lot of time at home on my hands and I'll need SOMETHING to do. I used to really like the game, even waiting hours on end for a new screen to load on my family's teetering-on-death PC, so it would have to be even better on a lightning fast Mac, right?

It came in the mail a week later. I played it for the first time Wednesday, on a rare day that I had nothing planned except sleep for work. (Something else I can't stand about my schedule at work--even though I'm usually working my ass off, a lot of the time I'm left with an empty, I-slept-all-day feeling.)

Dear god it is the most addicting game ever. I'm sitting there three hours after I started playing, completely engrossed in these simu-lives I've created, feeling actual happiness when my character gets a promotion or has a baby or buys a new sofa. An hour after that and I start to notice a familiar feeling sink in, one I used to feel playing the game. It's the sudden realization that I'm getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I could be the one getting a promotion, or having a baby (well, working on that one) or buying a new sofa. And instead I'm sitting here wasting hours of my day watching a mash-up of CGI and programming do it? How worthless could I be?

So I spent the rest of that day off feeling pretty badly about myself and my lack of accomplishment.

God forbid I get put on bed rest--something that's become another fear of mine--and have to battle this need to move for days on end. At least as a teen, in the hospital, I had doctors in my face hourly reminding me why I was letting myself idle.

Sarah Caitlin blogs on Nine Months to Life.  Read more about Sarah's pregnancy journey:

• My Belly Full of Ramen Noodles
• Pregnant Girl Shopping for a Wedding Dress
• Crohn's Disease and Pregnancy
• Anti-Maternity Wear
• The Pakistani Disease
• The "Good" Pregnant Woman
• Will I Work After Having a Baby?  Will I NOT?!
• Bump Watch
• What Happens When I Try to Cook
• How I Quit Smoking After I Found Out I'm Pregnant
• 15 and Pregnant
• In Which I Find Out I'm Pregnant and Fall Down in Shock