Are You a Stressed Working Mom?

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June 07, 2009

Work can stress you. Being a mother can stress you. So, how do you cope with the stress of being a working mom? After all, stress can cause symptoms such as headaches, anxiety, depression, and emotional, psychological, and physical exhaustion. And none of these are conducive to being a good employee or mom. How do you balance the two? Make compromises? Take yoga? Work on relaxation techniques? Our Momversation panelists talk the stress out in this episode, featuring guest Lisa Belkin of the New York Times Motherlode blog. Rebecca Woolf of Girl's Gone Child leads the discussion.

Does being a working mom stress you out? How do you deal with it? Join the Momversation by commenting.

Panelists

Daphne Brogdon - Cool Mom Heather Armstrong - Dooce Maggie Mason - Mighty Girl Rebecca Woolf - Girl's Gone Child

Keywords

Work and Money

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41 Comments

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Thu, 2010-03-04 09:40

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Wed, 2010-03-03 17:05

Beck

I have been both a SAHM and a working mum. I was a SAHM while my kids were little but once they hit school age I headed back to work full time as a teacher. Am I stressed out? YOU BET YA!!!! I too get up at 6 to be at work by 8.30am. I have two kids, ages 7 and 9. My husband works too. Add to this the fact that our son has Autism an Intellectual Disability and Tourettes Syndrome and you'll understand that things can get very stressful. When I was at home I had time to just be with my kids, to cook for my husband, to read, etc. I was still busy, and felt tired at the end of the day. Now my day begins with stress, feeding, clothing and organising the kids and myself. Running out the door, yelling and screaming at the kids that we are late again and reminding them for the umpteenth time that I might lose my job if we keep doing this. And then it ends with stress, getting the tea, readers, homework, housework, etc. It doesn't help that my teaching job is fairly high stress too, I teach children with severe disabilities and learning disorders and I often get phone calls from the parents of my kids even at night wanting my help. Did I mention that my 9 year old is not yet toilet trained! LOL
I often wonder how far I can push myself before I finally fall in a heap. Does anyone else have a mouth full of ulcers???
I started working because I wanted to have it all...turns out to have it all you have to DO IT ALL!

Thu, 2010-02-18 01:57

Makenzie Kelly

I despised the term "Stay at Home Mom"... I was a Careerist... and Entrepreneur.... I can do it all...and I was going to show them i could do it all....until I couldn't any longer. It worked just fine until I couldn't stop coming home crying, and then my hair started to fall out, and my kids called my by the nanny's name...and I missed all the t-ball games, the teacher conferences etc.

Balance? No Way! No Such thing.

I was making a six figured salary (in my Multi-Million Dollar business) but it wasn't worth it...so I gave it all up, recently. How's that for balance?

But I think the real question here isn't about balance, but what is most important? Priorities.

Was it really worth me crying every day? no. Was it worth missing the TIME that I could be spending with the little people I loved? no. So for me, when it came down to what I really wanted, it wasn't money, it was time. (And if you look at it like this...you couldn't pay any one any amount of money to get back the last 30 seconds you just wasted reading my comment. Not $10, not $10,000, not $1Mil) Time is the most valuable currency.

So I am in the process of redesigning my life (and career) so that I can get the most of what I want, and not what I think others want me to have. We'll see how it goes!!

Makenzie
www.adventurousmom.com

Thu, 2009-11-26 23:46

MeMyselfandMommy

Every single day of my life is a battle between working and wanting to stay at home. When my daughter (now 2) was born I only stayed home for four weeks after her birth. I needed out of the house! I needed to do something more with my day than cry because breastfeeding was so painful. I am a better mom because I work.

Now, however, my job demands a lot of my time and energy. There have been many 80 hour work weeks! When I am not working it takes everything I have to make sure there is food and clean clothes for my family. You can forget the rest of the house hold chores and organization! I would be a great mom if I had a personal assistant! Or, at least the energy that other mom's seem to have!

If I could turn the stress of "oh my gosh there is so much to do, it's never going to get done" into actually "doing the stuff" I may not be so stressed. It's so hard to turn stress into action when you are drowning in your to do lists!

I wish so much that finances would allow me to work from home or at least part time. Heck, I would settle for working 40 hours a week! At least then the house may a bit cleaner and we may not be living off of pasta. The laundry may even get folded now and then!

Sat, 2009-07-11 12:20

kimchi mama

I work full time outside of the home in a typical 9-5 job. I really like my job and am currently on maternity leave (expecting my second any day now).

I don't think I would be a great stay at home mom. I need the intellectual stimulation as one person on the episode said that my job gives me... and I cannot play "ball" with my 2.5 year old all day long. In a way, it's harder to do that than to meet deadlines and create reports at work for me...

I think working outside the home's greatest challenge is that you are less flexible in your time... and you have to schedule time off and such when daycare/preschool is closed or when your kid gets sick... and if you are an exempt employee, you have to still make sure that your work gets done. I imagine, but could be totally wrong, that if you work from home, you are somewhat more flexible in your schedule and also you get to make your own schedule, which is great.

Tue, 2009-06-23 23:02

shayera

This momversation was very vague. I need to know that there are other women out there that want to bang their heads into the wall. They just need 2 more minutes to get something done and it never fails, there is a major meltdown.

The house feels like it's never clean (it is) and I never have time for myself.

How do you de-stress when things pile up?

Thu, 2009-06-18 22:56

homefedbaby

Figuring it all out and coping with the stress as you go along...

Kaltura

Fri, 2009-06-19 10:04

mommamichelle22

Hi there. I have checked out these videos every-now-and then and appreciate the voice that is given to all the topics. I always try to keep in mind that these are really just blurbs of your opinions and have never felt personally attacked or a need to criticize. I still feel that way, even as I take a moment to say something to Maggie. One of your comments was about how you don't think you could be a SAHM because you could never just sit down and play with trucks for five hours a day. You went on to say that you need more intellectual stimulation than that. I get that. I am a SAHM, full-time. We are not wealthy. We're the typical lower middle-class, pinching pennies and struggling to learn how to save money kind of folks. I just wanted to let you know that I can't sit and play with my kids for five hours either. I have never known a woman who stays home with her children as they get older to do that. Are you kidding me, I'd rather count cells for five hours! Playing with kids for longer than one consecutive hour (and that is pushing it) is boring. I too need more intellectual stimulation than what conversing and playing with my children can offer.

I have found it imperative to not put all my energy into playing with kids and cleaning the house. It's important to grow in more than one direction. Fortunately, a working environment is not the only place one can make this growth and intellectual pump grow. I read a lot, I'm a writer, I stay relatively informed and educated on social politics and I'm slowly working on a degree. I had to create situations to learn in and I have to be very proactive about my social life - 'cuz yes, without the mandatory face to face time with other adults that working outside the home provides, it is very easy to hole up in the house.

I wanted to tell you this because its a false and negative stereotype that many women have of SAHM's - that we don't need or create intellectual stimulation in our lives and that we spend long hours entertaining our children. Or, in the way that you put it, that you wouldn't be able to find these things if you were a SAHM. You would still expand your intellect as a SAHM, because that is your internal drive.

So what do my kids do since mommy doesn't sit and play with them all day? They play together, they are creative, they do art, make up games, run around like chickens with their heads cut off, and look at books (ages 4 and 2, so not reading yet), they are self directive about 65% of the time. They are also in preschool during the regular school year, so that I can tend to my own goals and quite time needs. I do want to work when they are older, but for what its worth, I have found a lot of value, personal motivation, inspiration, and direction in these years I have stayed home with my kids.

It's not for everyone. I know that. I'm not advocating for it to be the norm. However, for me, I would not change what I am doing right now. Knowing what I know, gaining what I have gained, I would not choose differently if I were to go back in time to when my first was born. I'm not suggesting that you or anyone else is missing out, I can assure you I don't think this is the case. It's easier to do this when you chose to do it. I had a moderate say in the matter, as I may not have made this choice if I were physically capable of working. I have a chronic pain disorder that put me in the position to be a SAHM.

We all do what we need and/or choose to do. I guess what I am suggesting is that since you have not been a SAHM for a good length of time - without working inside or outside the house - it would be kind to not assume what it is that a SAHM does with her time or what she desires for her intellectual world. KWIM? I understand that you didn't mean any harm, and really - no harm done here, :) - I just wanted to offer a different (my) perspective.

Sat, 2009-06-13 16:20

joyunexpected

Maggie, you don't really believe that stay at home moms sit on the floor and "play trucks" all day, do you?

Fri, 2009-06-12 14:21

Agnieszka Krakowska

Lisa Belking, yay!!! Can you try to get Michelle Slatalla, too?

Thu, 2009-06-11 17:33

HappyMommyx4

Well, Maggie has lost this reader! I would like to think that she was not intentionally so absolutely ignorant of what a stay at home mother does and hateful towards a large group of women. I know that we have all met mother's who stay in their jammies all day, or the ones who truly don't do anything but play all day. But, keep in mind that there is a very large number of us who are incredibly intelligent and take a great deal of pride in the job that we do.

Did anyone else find her comments extremely offensive?

I do not play trucks for 5 hours a day. I do not lack intellectual stimulation and I can assure you, Maggie, that I am of no less intelligence than a working mother. I am well educated and find a great deal of intellectual stimulation in the course of my day. Of course, I do have to go looking for it just a bit more than I would if I were still working in the fascinating field I once had a career in. I have 4 children and were I to ever have the time in the day to play for 5 hours, well that means one of the children has gone missing and everyone is hungry, and I probably haven't bathed that day.

Maggie's comments were the same as my assumption that all working mother's are profoundly selfish. I have always felt that way and never understood a mother who works. But, if I said that I would be crucified by women like Maggie. And yet she found it absolutely fine to indicated that all I do all day is play? Wow.

Sure, it won't accomplish diddly but I certainly will never visit her site again.

Thu, 2009-06-11 09:20

mamaybaybay

I am a working mom. (That's actually the first time I've ever said that and it feels weird. Yikes.) I love being a young mama. I don't love my work all the time. But I do LIKE being a working mom. (Is this sounding weird?) I thrive on adult interaction but I love nothing more than spending time with my little babe, too. Being a high school teacher gives me the best of both worlds. I teach resource science which gets stressful a lot of the time but I can give it my best and still have energy leftover for my little family when I get home. Some weeks are worse than others but I think all parents are ridin that train together.

Balance isn't something that I actively try to achieve. I actually think when I try the hardest to get there, I land somewhere else entirely so I do my best to let structured balance go and let us find our own way.

Wed, 2009-06-10 12:33

Momartfully

I've been a F/T working single mom for years (recently not so single).

Kudos for noting that vast majority of working mothers deal with situations that are much more complex and demanding than the situations the panel members are in.

What did I give up on or compromise on? I have tried to eliminate the idea of perfection, keeping everything on MY list and the idea of maintaining a "balance".

I don't maintain a "work/life" balance - that implies equal measures for all things and a static approach. It implies static divisions between priorities. It also implies that my work and life must be compartmentalized - which any working mom can tell you just does NOT happen - they often overlap.

Forget "balance". The most important things for me to maintain are support, flexibility and priorities.

What do I do?

One of the best things I ever did was invite all the other working in my area to pool our resources and help each other out. We have an after-school/babysitting pool, we share unwanted gift certificates & coupons, we have a "night out" together so our kids are supervised and we have a social outlet with people who understand our realities. We do lots to support each other. Set up a clothing exchange and toy exchange with other moms. Help in emergencies.

Your partner (if you have one) helps. Period. Don't accept anything less - that's why they are your *partner*.

Ask relatives if they can provide before or after school care, summer care, or other support. Sometimes they just need to be asked.

Find a reliable babysitter or two - treasure them and USE them. Ask a single friend to babysit (best birth control ever). Send the kids to their grandparent's house. Let go of the idea that only mommy can care for the kids - embrace trusted members of the community and include them in your lives - they may enrich your child's life in lots of ways.

EVERYBODY CONTRIBUTES

A three year old can make their bed - not very well, but it's a start. Train your kids to understand that everyone pitches in, even if the results won't pass Martha standards. Adjust your standards and be happy with good enough house cleaning. In the grand scheme of things if it's healthy but not perfect - that's good enough.

Get your partner sharing in the workload. My partner learned how to make my little girl's hair into pigtails after decades of bachelorhood. Accept that everybody starts from knowing nothing - even moms - and accept their learning process.

PRIORITIZE

Don't waste time on things that don't matter to you. Stop buying into competitive parenting or other people's goals. Do what's best for you and your kids and your partner first.

Live somewhere that will help your situation. Good schools? After school programs? Close to work? Don't be stuck somewhere that doesn't meet your needs.

Find a workplace that meets your needs. Get assertive. ASK FOR and GET what you NEED at work. Always shop for better situation - don't let inertia keep you somewhere negative. Do everything you can to create flexible options at work.

Don't waste - cut back or eliminate TV, junk food, junk possessions, junk reading, junk commitments. Make every moment of your life the best quality it can be. Ask yourself "what does this get me?" if it's something that improves your life keep it - if it's just stress, wave goodbye. Concentrate on your nearest and dearest.

Recognize that advice to indulge in a formal exercise program is usually coming from people who don't understand how time squeezed working moms REALLY are. Instead of trying to do it THEIR way, do it in a way that works for YOU - create fitness activities in your life - ditch the car for local errands and walk. Take the kids swimming every week. Try to get your hands on a jogging stroller or some bikes for all of you (second hand? auctions?). Coach a kids' team.

SUPPORT

Create a social event with other like-minded moms and MAKE time for it to feed your soul.

Remember you are NOT ALONE. Realize that while you feel alone you're actually in the MAJORITY. We're all so busy we forget to look up from our lives and find and support each other. You may not hear voices like yours often - but it's usually because we're too busy to share.

IGNORE CRITICS AND DEFINE YOUR GOAL

If you're not renowned for being perfect - SO WHAT? Is perfection your goal - or happy, healthy kids, a happy life or a fulfilling career? Perfection is not attainable - but happiness is. The pursuit of perfection leads nowhere, it just wastes time, creates stress and distracts from what really matters. Pursue happiness and health instead.

We all know that children need to make mistakes to learn - we need to make mistakes, too. Any artist will tell you that mistakes lead to some of the greatest discoveries or lessons there are. Accept your mistakes, happy accidents and imperfections - they may lead to creating something amazing.

http://momartfully.typepad.com/

Wed, 2009-06-10 09:48

Pat

I swear this topic is exactly what I have been thinking about for the latest while and like you Daphne "I AM SHOOTING FOR THE MIDDLE" of maybe a little less than the middle. Since I had my second daughter 8 months ago I was scared shitless of going back to work and doing it all.. I am still scared.. good thing (or bad thing) is that I got fired while I was on maternity leave; but I do need to work. Ladies I do not know how you do it because I still have not been able to balance anything right now.

Wed, 2009-06-10 08:07

CoachShalanda

I was just reading through all of these comments and sometimes you don't realize how much you share in common with other moms until you start interacting. When I first heard the comment about separating work from the kids I thought, "Maybe that's how these women are able to seemingly get so much done." But these videos are not going to go into a whole lot of detail for the sake of time. Plus, everyone's situation is different.

For me, I am a WAHM and my kids are not of school age. I already tried the career mom commuting for an hour and dropping the kids off at daycare to be "raised by strangers" thing. I was missing time with my husband and kids and daycare was eating up my paycheck. I was missing milestones, my oldest son was being mistreated by one of the teachers and then I had a miscarriage in my first trimester and that did something to me. I decided to stay home and enjoy my kids while I could. But guess what? You start feeling dumb after a while because your mental stimulation is guided towards things like nursery songs and toddler stories.

So, now I do my share of freelancing online and I love it. I've gone from bored to "where did the day go?" I love making my own money and being able to wake up when I get ready or should I say when the kids get ready. I tried many times before to separate work from the kids by spending all day with them and working at night which left me fewer hours to work and even fewer hours to sleep. What has been working for me is blogging while they are up because that doesn't require a whole lot of time and concentration. Waking up around 5 to pray, read some scriptures and workout has also free up more time for me believe it or not. My energy level is definitely up.

What helps is to write out a schedule and give yourself a certain amount of time to do things. For me, I found ways to keep a clean house without having to clean constantly everyday. For example, I only do laundry on Fridays and Saturdays and to keep the living room clean the kids cannot bring toys out there. This has really helped Ms Neat Freak stay sane. My husband and I have an agreement that I get uninterrupted time to myself daily. These guys helped make these babies they can help take care of them, right? I'm going to have to come up with a new strategy in a couple of months though because the Navy is taking him away for a few months. I'll cross that bridge later.

Shalanda
www.tookeswilderguidance.com
www.shalandarian.blogspot.com
www.shalandarian.today.com

Wed, 2009-06-10 03:29

Sarah@Ohana Mama

I totally agree that I would love you to go deeper into this subject. AND the lovely ladies at momversation seemed waaaaaaay to calm to me to be working moms. Can I please have whatever it is they are taking because I would buy stock!

I also wondered what sort of support group they have? Babysitters, mommy's helpers, grandparents, are their children in school? Because I have yet to find a support system and am trying to conquer it all, just my hubby and me.

I was happy when Heather brought up that she can compartmentalize her duties because her daughter is in school. What to do when you have kids younger than school age and are a work from home mom? It's probably the hardest route of any "mommy" situation.

Working outside the home you can focus on your work. Being a SAHM you can focus on kids. Doing both at home? Well you have one hand in a diaper the other on a keyboard and you pray that shit doesn't end up on the return key. It's H.A.R.D!

Other than not wanting my entire paycheck to go to daycare, I lack the trust in others to watch my kids other than my son's preschool teachers. (I know that one day I will have to find a babysitter but I just can't go there yet.) With no family on island, well, my hubby and I are tag teaming it. We're doing it and the kids are happy but yeah, we're stressed, just a little.

Here is my answer. What do YOU think? Stressed?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBovGAx8OpA

And I always think that a question like this deserves answers as to HOW they are so calm and doing this working mom thing so well. Share with us the secret to be loving "doing it all" PLEASE! (I added some tips for my readers at http://www.theohanamama.com

Thanks for another great conversation ladies! Sarah

Tue, 2009-06-09 18:25

Mindy

Oh, and no support group. Just a few days "off" while they go to Dad's, during which time I do laundry and wash the 648654th dirty baseball uniform of the season. I WISH I had someone else to help. I'd be a nicer person and a saner mom. Never had a mommy's helper, never hire babysitters because when they are with me, that's our time, period.

Stressed? Like a German consonant.

The kids are in school, and that helps so much. It feels like it took forever to get that last one through half-day kindergarten and have more than two hours in a row to do anything. Hint: if you have more than one child, you are delaying that time, waiting for each successive child to turn six.

Not having family close by is hard, but you can't put a price on having the only other person on the planet who loves those kids as much as you do right there under the same roof.

Fri, 2009-06-12 04:29

Mindy

Clonazepam.

Fri, 2009-06-12 04:19

katie d.

I am one of those working moms mentioned in the video who get up at 6 in the morning in order to get out of the house with time to make the 1 hour commute to work and daycare. I think the commute is simultaneously saving and killing us. I never minded the drive because I actually drive rather than sit in traffic and my son and I chill out and listen to music. The part that sucks is the hour lost from my morning and worse, from my evening. Essentially I'm left with a 2 hour window in the evenings to prepare & eat dinner, maybe give my son a bath, and ohmygod if we're lucky take him for a walk on a nice night. Please know that my husband is right next to me the whole time doing the same with me. I feel like I have NO TIME. No time to just play and have fun with my son and no time to myself. I'm trying to deal with this by letting go of the idea that we have to sit down together to eat a totally well rounded meal at the dinner table. I'm trying to stop putting so much pressure on myself to get it all in that little window and if trading the bath for some extra time outside needs to happen, that's ok.

I think the next issue is finding real passion in the work you do. I gather most of you featured in the video are doing what you love and/or really focused on building a career that you love. It makes it hard when you are doing what you kind-of, sort-of, like, but are good at and you are the primary breadwinner or, in my case, health insurance carrier. Basically there are days that I feel like I'm putting the squeeze on my family in order to get in a full work day where I get paid just enough to make it barely worth the cost of daycare, but have awesome insurance benefits that make it impossible to leave. So, I'm trying to address this by seeking passion in my work, whether at my job or towards something else.

One final thought. I really, really don't like it when statements are made that give women some cast of credit for being able to "play trucks for four hours straight." It feels like a statement like that should be followed with an "or whatever it is you do." Sorry, it's just a personal pet-peeve of mine and I think it comes from a misunderstanding of what SAHM's really do. That or bad editing. Also, I think you all must know that you are all kind-of a big deal hear on the interwebs with us moms who regularly read your blogs and watch you on Momversation. So I would say shooting for the middle has gotten you somewhere above that realm. And I think that is awesome because it proves that we may not be able to do it all, but we can do the things we really love doing quite well.

Tue, 2009-06-09 18:16

Mindy

Honestly, thank you for the compliment, but I think there are many days when I/we don't even aim, we just shoot for something and hope it lands. I'd go so far as to say (for myself) that it was a sense of totally doing it wrong and being inadequate as a mom that drove this need to write and let loose, and in the process discover that others felt the same and remove some of the stigma.

Also, no one plays trucks for hours. Kids might play trucks for hours, we might check on them over the hours, but seriously, no. You point out something shiny after a while and move slowly to something else, and stay downwind until you're needed again.

Fri, 2009-06-12 04:17

Kelly

Katie, +1 to everything you said.

Wed, 2009-06-10 05:09

mosey along

Like many others here, I'm a SAHM/WAHM. I gave up a full-time career with a big salary to stay home. No regrets, don't miss it. (Well, maybe except for the big salary part....) But it's been a struggle to reinvent myself career-wise while looking after all the household stuff and being an effective mother too. I really like Daphne's "I'm shootin' for the middle" concept, and happily embrace that as my own MO.

I edited a short-form documentary a couple of years ago where we asked in "woman on the street" format - what do women want? (Someday I'll actually have enough time to get it up on vimeo and/or my blog....)

I always remember one woman's answer - that women want it all, and they can *have* it all, but just not all at the same time.

Tue, 2009-06-09 17:06

francabollo

I was reading Lisa Belkin's article in last week's edition of "The New York Times" magazine and thinking, "I'd like to hear what she'd have to say on Momversation" and violà! Great addition. Hope to see her here regularly.

And Rebecca ... you are adorable and I want you to come over and teach me make-up tips. I'm just a little north of you in SF.

Tue, 2009-06-09 13:22

bforbedlam

Heather's comment about separating work time and family time gave pause because I survive by doing just the opposite. I am a multitasking mofo! Which is why it drives me up a freaking wall when hubby will stand in the kitchen and stare at a wall while waiting for coffee to brew or toast to pop up. For God's sake, empty the dishwasher while you're standing there. Take out the trash, wipe down a counter, put that box of cereal away, make a phone call, fold some laundry, do something!

If my husband was able to stay home to help out with the kids and managing the household, enabling me to focus solely on work for periods of time, I would probably be more productive professionally. But that's just not an option at this point. We prefer to spend his free time as a family, and the time that he is able to take over for a while I tend to spend catching up on housework and grocery shopping instead of work-related projects.

Am I stressed? Hell yes, but not necessarily because I don't feel fulfilled if I'm not able to have a career. More because we could really use the additional income but it's difficult for me to find the time to put into developing a business (I design and create jewelry).

Tue, 2009-06-09 06:17

Kelly

Thank you Daphne for noting the difference between working at home and getting out the door on time for somewhere. Everyone's work is important and pressing, etc. but to have to schlep everyone out the door and then race to get them on time is a whole other level of stress. I would like to see this kind of thing discussed more too.. there's a deep topic here that is interesting to hear how people manage. I don't work at home by choice because I get nothing done.

I'll give you a snap shot of my working mom life, and then a couple notes of how I deal (+ and -)

I am a CFO of a mid sized tech company, have a 7 year old daughter and 3 year old twins, one of which is Type 1 diabetic and although we're living with it, it is a constant worry when she is at daycare that she'll slip into a low blood sugar without anyone noticing. Its happened. My husband recently returned to work out side the home (THANK GOD) and since the twins were 4 months old he was home with them and I returned to work because we needed the money.. and I was going out of my mind a little too..but I digress. I started my CFO job when my daughter turned one year, so she too has been a day care kid all her young life. The diabetic toddler needs to have blood checked at midnight and 3 AM so that she doesn't slip into a coma, so I don't sleep much. I don't have a house cleaner or gardener or a babysitter able to take my kids in the evening or overnight. My mom is close, but she is older and unable to handle all the kids for more than a 2 hour stint, and is nervous about the diabetes and won't take them overnight.

Am I stressed? oh yeah baby. How do I deal?

* I try to go to the gym 4 days a week for an hour at noon. Its the only time of day that's mine. I run on the treadmill or jump around in a class and it sets me up for a wonderful productive afternoon. If I go a few weeks without exercising, my colleagues and husband (male, all of them) ask if I'm PMS-ing and please get your sneakers and go for a run because you're hard to live with.

* I have a wonderful supportive work place and friends to remind me I'm doing enough. I have been forced by our CEO to nap at work some days I've come in after being up all night with babies. I feel like a total looser when I do, but sometimes my body and mind are just spent and I can barely drive my car let alone think. I'm glad that I'm taken by the shoulders and pointed to the office couch when its gotten to that point.

* I deal in non constructive ways too... I drink to excess if given the opportunity to carouse and let loose (so I don't give myself that opportunity -- much), I deal by yelling, over indulging the kids & bending rules to just get stuff done, being disorganized by rushing and then yelling some more when I can't find things, I don't eat often enough, I don't see my girfriends enough, I rarely date my husband or TALK to him as he's equally stressed and busy and tired.

Like Daphne said... "shooting for the middle" .. Now that I don't have the luxury of a SAHD anymore (and ladies, its not the same as when a Mom's at home) maybe its time to accept some cleaning help or seriously advertise for a qualified evening sitter. Its easy to identify the problem; more difficult to find workable solutions to strike a balance that don't stir up mounts of guilt in the process.

Now, back to work! :)

Tue, 2009-06-09 05:20

Daphne

thanks Kelly,
doll why don't you have a housecleaner? You need something to let up and to come home once a week to mopped floors would really give you a boost cause I'm pooped hearing all you have going on. That's great you have a nice work place. Pretend your European, they nap during the day.

Tue, 2009-06-09 21:41

Kelly

Daphne, now that my husband is back at work I can justify the expense of a house cleaner. I've held a belief from my upbringing that getting paid help is for the rich and lazy, but that message is officially purged from my brain today when reading all these comments and realizing that maybe I am normal to feel overwhelmed and stressed and perhaps I do have a bit much going on.

I know my downfall is that I find it difficult to accept help when I *think* somehow I should be able to manage it all if I try a little harder and just be grateful for what I do have on my plate. I'm working on that, and recently hired a freelancer SAHM to take off the management of one aspect of my job and she's thrilled to have the 10 hours a month job and I'm thrilled to loose that responsibility and already am thinking how I can bring her on more as her skills are proven to me.

Really, there's a business case for SAHM's to offer themselves as home assistants to working mom's a few hours a week... I would kill for a mom to go and pick up a pair of sneakers or clothes for my kids the next time they're at Target because that's the kind of errand I never get to do... or put away the winter jackets in storage, or organize the toy area. Like an earlier poster said, you've got 2 hours in the evening to be with your kids before they go to bed.

So what keeps me from advertising for the above service? Guilt and Shame. That is like saying "Hi. I can't cope. Can someone come and save me?" In this day and age of media preaching women need resilience, stand on your own two feet, don't wait for your Prince to save you... what I need is a like minded mom to "save me" by offering help (Which I'd pay for) with no pity or judgement. Perhaps I'll start with the house cleaner and see if that takes off enough pressure to do the rest.

Thanks for the venue for the honesty moment. Certainly has got me thinking.

Wed, 2009-06-10 06:27

whatevs

Thank you, thank you, thank youuuuuu for this discussion. I am almost driven to tears to hear Maggie say that she can't play trucks all day. I have been on maternity leave for six months now with my twin girls and for the last two months I have been fantasizing about my return to work - which happens in another month. I thought there was something wrong with me or that maybe I am not a good mom. But after thinking about it a lot I have realized that I will be a better mother if I go back to work. I never saw that coming. So much about motherhood has taken me by surprise, but I was totally unprepared to learn that staying home with babies all day, every day, is not as fun as I imagined. There is no time off, not even weekends when I get help from my husband. I have no other immediate family around to help either, so it's all mommy, all the time! YAY.

I am so grateful to hear that I am not alone in this. I took an extra long maternity leave thinking I would have a fun summer, get a tan, do some gardening, push the babies in the stroller... yeah. Not happening. Especially not with TWINS. I know going back to work is going to be difficult, exhausting, etc. But I need the adult time and I need to flex my brain again.

Again, thank youuuu! I don't feel so alone any more.

Tue, 2009-06-09 04:59

mosey along

My sister, a single mom of two, says that she is a better mother *because* she works (outside the home). We all gotta do what we all gotta do - for practical reasons but also for sanity!

Tue, 2009-06-09 17:54