Are You a Stressed Working Mom?

I have to admit, I'm glad Daphne distinguished between being a "mommy blogger"/work-at-home mother and being a more "traditional" professional. Not because one is better than the other, just because they're different, and I think it's important to recognize those differences.

Also, I'm surprised not to hear more about the fathers'/partners' support and how much or little that can help with the stress. And I would have liked to hear more specifics about what these women do to relieve the stress, or take time out for themselves. (Unless they don't??) Is it running, painting, going out once a week with girlfriends? Because it sounds like work can be a relief from motherhood stress, but work is stressful too, so what's the relief from work?

I dunno, this is one of the few times I thought the video stayed too much on the surface of the topic rather than really exploring the issue.

Mon, 2009-06-08 05:49

The company I worked for moved from California to Texas, but wanted to keep me on staff so a wonderful work-at-home opportunity simply landed in my lap and I am SO GRATEFUL because I love being at home with my son. I have some tough days where I'm really paying attention to him and feel like I should be working, or vice versa. But for the most part, I'm able to fit it all in somehow. If given the option, I'd probably quit work to take care of my son and the home, but I know I'd get bored and pick up a freelance project every now and again. I also sell jewelry on Etsy, and I'd probably amp that up a bit with the extra time. People look at me funny when I say I'd like to be just a mom, like I have no ambition or something. But most of those people don't have children of their own... I think in addition to finding balance, you also have to find a situation and a routine that works for you and your kids. Whatever that is, go for it, no matter what others have to say about it.

Mon, 2009-06-08 08:15

I agree with the idea that this topic should go more in depth. Maybe a second video topic is in order about how we actually do what it is that we do.... which I always find incredible. Moms of the world so deserve credit for everything we're responsible for.
I'm really struggling with this issue because I just got an offer for a full-time job. The pay isn't what I want, but jobs (especially in public relations and journalism) aren't exactly easy to come by right now and my two part-times don't give me any benefits. So I'll see my baby less, but I'll have health insurance, a 401k, paid vacation time, sick days, a little more money and a salary vs. hourly pay..... I'm not so worried about how to do it all, but more like how much I'll be missing. I had Monday and Tuesday mornings with my son before. And now I guess I won't. And that's sad. : ( Like I could cry at my desk but won't kind of sad. It just doesn't feel like a fair trade, even though I want to work and be fairly compensated for it.
So my solution in the very precarious stage of negotiations is to ask for a more flexible schedule instead of more pay, since the company has already nixed the salary I proposed anyway.
Any advice, ladies?

Mon, 2009-06-08 10:15

Most of the stress I feel being a working mother is born of guilt. My son is almost three and has been in daycare since he was seven weeks old. My daughter is 10 months old and has been in daycare since she was eight weeks old. While I know they are in fantastic care, I feel tremendous guilt over missing so much of their lives.

I used to say when my son was little that I would go out of my mind if I was a SAHM, but now that I understand just how quickly the time goes, I know that I would much rather be there for the endless diaper changes then miss out on one giggle or tear.

Mon, 2009-06-08 12:58

Thank you, thank you, thank youuuuuu for this discussion. I am almost driven to tears to hear Maggie say that she can't play trucks all day. I have been on maternity leave for six months now with my twin girls and for the last two months I have been fantasizing about my return to work - which happens in another month. I thought there was something wrong with me or that maybe I am not a good mom. But after thinking about it a lot I have realized that I will be a better mother if I go back to work. I never saw that coming. So much about motherhood has taken me by surprise, but I was totally unprepared to learn that staying home with babies all day, every day, is not as fun as I imagined. There is no time off, not even weekends when I get help from my husband. I have no other immediate family around to help either, so it's all mommy, all the time! YAY.

I am so grateful to hear that I am not alone in this. I took an extra long maternity leave thinking I would have a fun summer, get a tan, do some gardening, push the babies in the stroller... yeah. Not happening. Especially not with TWINS. I know going back to work is going to be difficult, exhausting, etc. But I need the adult time and I need to flex my brain again.

Again, thank youuuu! I don't feel so alone any more.

Tue, 2009-06-09 04:59

Thank you Daphne for noting the difference between working at home and getting out the door on time for somewhere. Everyone's work is important and pressing, etc. but to have to schlep everyone out the door and then race to get them on time is a whole other level of stress. I would like to see this kind of thing discussed more too.. there's a deep topic here that is interesting to hear how people manage. I don't work at home by choice because I get nothing done.

I'll give you a snap shot of my working mom life, and then a couple notes of how I deal (+ and -)

I am a CFO of a mid sized tech company, have a 7 year old daughter and 3 year old twins, one of which is Type 1 diabetic and although we're living with it, it is a constant worry when she is at daycare that she'll slip into a low blood sugar without anyone noticing. Its happened. My husband recently returned to work out side the home (THANK GOD) and since the twins were 4 months old he was home with them and I returned to work because we needed the money.. and I was going out of my mind a little too..but I digress. I started my CFO job when my daughter turned one year, so she too has been a day care kid all her young life. The diabetic toddler needs to have blood checked at midnight and 3 AM so that she doesn't slip into a coma, so I don't sleep much. I don't have a house cleaner or gardener or a babysitter able to take my kids in the evening or overnight. My mom is close, but she is older and unable to handle all the kids for more than a 2 hour stint, and is nervous about the diabetes and won't take them overnight.

Am I stressed? oh yeah baby. How do I deal?

* I try to go to the gym 4 days a week for an hour at noon. Its the only time of day that's mine. I run on the treadmill or jump around in a class and it sets me up for a wonderful productive afternoon. If I go a few weeks without exercising, my colleagues and husband (male, all of them) ask if I'm PMS-ing and please get your sneakers and go for a run because you're hard to live with.

* I have a wonderful supportive work place and friends to remind me I'm doing enough. I have been forced by our CEO to nap at work some days I've come in after being up all night with babies. I feel like a total looser when I do, but sometimes my body and mind are just spent and I can barely drive my car let alone think. I'm glad that I'm taken by the shoulders and pointed to the office couch when its gotten to that point.

* I deal in non constructive ways too... I drink to excess if given the opportunity to carouse and let loose (so I don't give myself that opportunity -- much), I deal by yelling, over indulging the kids & bending rules to just get stuff done, being disorganized by rushing and then yelling some more when I can't find things, I don't eat often enough, I don't see my girfriends enough, I rarely date my husband or TALK to him as he's equally stressed and busy and tired.

Like Daphne said... "shooting for the middle" .. Now that I don't have the luxury of a SAHD anymore (and ladies, its not the same as when a Mom's at home) maybe its time to accept some cleaning help or seriously advertise for a qualified evening sitter. Its easy to identify the problem; more difficult to find workable solutions to strike a balance that don't stir up mounts of guilt in the process.

Now, back to work! :)

Tue, 2009-06-09 05:20

I was reading Lisa Belkin's article in last week's edition of "The New York Times" magazine and thinking, "I'd like to hear what she'd have to say on Momversation" and violà! Great addition. Hope to see her here regularly.

And Rebecca ... you are adorable and I want you to come over and teach me make-up tips. I'm just a little north of you in SF.

Tue, 2009-06-09 13:22

I am one of those working moms mentioned in the video who get up at 6 in the morning in order to get out of the house with time to make the 1 hour commute to work and daycare. I think the commute is simultaneously saving and killing us. I never minded the drive because I actually drive rather than sit in traffic and my son and I chill out and listen to music. The part that sucks is the hour lost from my morning and worse, from my evening. Essentially I'm left with a 2 hour window in the evenings to prepare & eat dinner, maybe give my son a bath, and ohmygod if we're lucky take him for a walk on a nice night. Please know that my husband is right next to me the whole time doing the same with me. I feel like I have NO TIME. No time to just play and have fun with my son and no time to myself. I'm trying to deal with this by letting go of the idea that we have to sit down together to eat a totally well rounded meal at the dinner table. I'm trying to stop putting so much pressure on myself to get it all in that little window and if trading the bath for some extra time outside needs to happen, that's ok.

I think the next issue is finding real passion in the work you do. I gather most of you featured in the video are doing what you love and/or really focused on building a career that you love. It makes it hard when you are doing what you kind-of, sort-of, like, but are good at and you are the primary breadwinner or, in my case, health insurance carrier. Basically there are days that I feel like I'm putting the squeeze on my family in order to get in a full work day where I get paid just enough to make it barely worth the cost of daycare, but have awesome insurance benefits that make it impossible to leave. So, I'm trying to address this by seeking passion in my work, whether at my job or towards something else.

One final thought. I really, really don't like it when statements are made that give women some cast of credit for being able to "play trucks for four hours straight." It feels like a statement like that should be followed with an "or whatever it is you do." Sorry, it's just a personal pet-peeve of mine and I think it comes from a misunderstanding of what SAHM's really do. That or bad editing. Also, I think you all must know that you are all kind-of a big deal hear on the interwebs with us moms who regularly read your blogs and watch you on Momversation. So I would say shooting for the middle has gotten you somewhere above that realm. And I think that is awesome because it proves that we may not be able to do it all, but we can do the things we really love doing quite well.

Tue, 2009-06-09 18:16

I was just reading through all of these comments and sometimes you don't realize how much you share in common with other moms until you start interacting. When I first heard the comment about separating work from the kids I thought, "Maybe that's how these women are able to seemingly get so much done." But these videos are not going to go into a whole lot of detail for the sake of time. Plus, everyone's situation is different.

For me, I am a WAHM and my kids are not of school age. I already tried the career mom commuting for an hour and dropping the kids off at daycare to be "raised by strangers" thing. I was missing time with my husband and kids and daycare was eating up my paycheck. I was missing milestones, my oldest son was being mistreated by one of the teachers and then I had a miscarriage in my first trimester and that did something to me. I decided to stay home and enjoy my kids while I could. But guess what? You start feeling dumb after a while because your mental stimulation is guided towards things like nursery songs and toddler stories.

So, now I do my share of freelancing online and I love it. I've gone from bored to "where did the day go?" I love making my own money and being able to wake up when I get ready or should I say when the kids get ready. I tried many times before to separate work from the kids by spending all day with them and working at night which left me fewer hours to work and even fewer hours to sleep. What has been working for me is blogging while they are up because that doesn't require a whole lot of time and concentration. Waking up around 5 to pray, read some scriptures and workout has also free up more time for me believe it or not. My energy level is definitely up.

What helps is to write out a schedule and give yourself a certain amount of time to do things. For me, I found ways to keep a clean house without having to clean constantly everyday. For example, I only do laundry on Fridays and Saturdays and to keep the living room clean the kids cannot bring toys out there. This has really helped Ms Neat Freak stay sane. My husband and I have an agreement that I get uninterrupted time to myself daily. These guys helped make these babies they can help take care of them, right? I'm going to have to come up with a new strategy in a couple of months though because the Navy is taking him away for a few months. I'll cross that bridge later.

Shalanda
www.tookeswilderguidance.com
www.shalandarian.blogspot.com
www.shalandarian.today.com

Wed, 2009-06-10 03:29

I've been a F/T working single mom for years (recently not so single).

Kudos for noting that vast majority of working mothers deal with situations that are much more complex and demanding than the situations the panel members are in.

What did I give up on or compromise on? I have tried to eliminate the idea of perfection, keeping everything on MY list and the idea of maintaining a "balance".

I don't maintain a "work/life" balance - that implies equal measures for all things and a static approach. It implies static divisions between priorities. It also implies that my work and life must be compartmentalized - which any working mom can tell you just does NOT happen - they often overlap.

Forget "balance". The most important things for me to maintain are support, flexibility and priorities.

What do I do?

SHARE

One of the best things I ever did was invite all the other working in my area to pool our resources and help each other out. We have an after-school/babysitting pool, we share unwanted gift certificates & coupons, we have a "night out" together so our kids are supervised and we have a social outlet with people who understand our realities. We do lots to support each other. Set up a clothing exchange and toy exchange with other moms. Help in emergencies.

Your partner (if you have one) helps. Period. Don't accept anything less - that's why they are your *partner*.

Ask relatives if they can provide before or after school care, summer care, or other support. Sometimes they just need to be asked.

Find a reliable babysitter or two - treasure them and USE them. Ask a single friend to babysit (best birth control ever). Send the kids to their grandparent's house. Let go of the idea that only mommy can care for the kids - embrace trusted members of the community and include them in your lives - they may enrich your child's life in lots of ways.

EVERYBODY CONTRIBUTES

A three year old can make their bed - not very well, but it's a start. Train your kids to understand that everyone pitches in, even if the results won't pass Martha standards. Adjust your standards and be happy with good enough house cleaning. In the grand scheme of things if it's healthy but not perfect - that's good enough.

Get your partner sharing in the workload. My partner learned how to make my little girl's hair into pigtails after decades of bachelorhood. Accept that everybody starts from knowing nothing - even moms - and accept their learning process.

PRIORITIZE

Don't waste time on things that don't matter to you. Stop buying into competitive parenting or other people's goals. Do what's best for you and your kids and your partner first.

Live somewhere that will help your situation. Good schools? After school programs? Close to work? Don't be stuck somewhere that doesn't meet your needs.

Find a workplace that meets your needs. Get assertive. ASK FOR and GET what you NEED at work. Always shop for better situation - don't let inertia keep you somewhere negative. Do everything you can to create flexible options at work.

Don't waste - cut back or eliminate TV, junk food, junk possessions, junk reading, junk commitments. Make every moment of your life the best quality it can be. Ask yourself "what does this get me?" if it's something that improves your life keep it - if it's just stress, wave goodbye. Concentrate on your nearest and dearest.

Recognize that advice to indulge in a formal exercise program is usually coming from people who don't understand how time squeezed working moms REALLY are. Instead of trying to do it THEIR way, do it in a way that works for YOU - create fitness activities in your life - ditch the car for local errands and walk. Take the kids swimming every week. Try to get your hands on a jogging stroller or some bikes for all of you (second hand? auctions?). Coach a kids' team.

SUPPORT

Create a social event with other like-minded moms and MAKE time for it to feed your soul.

Remember you are NOT ALONE. Realize that while you feel alone you're actually in the MAJORITY. We're all so busy we forget to look up from our lives and find and support each other. You may not hear voices like yours often - but it's usually because we're too busy to share.

IGNORE CRITICS AND DEFINE YOUR GOAL

If you're not renowned for being perfect - SO WHAT? Is perfection your goal - or happy, healthy kids, a happy life or a fulfilling career? Perfection is not attainable - but happiness is. The pursuit of perfection leads nowhere, it just wastes time, creates stress and distracts from what really matters. Pursue happiness and health instead.

We all know that children need to make mistakes to learn - we need to make mistakes, too. Any artist will tell you that mistakes lead to some of the greatest discoveries or lessons there are. Accept your mistakes, happy accidents and imperfections - they may lead to creating something amazing.

http://momartfully.typepad.com/

Wed, 2009-06-10 09:48

Well, Maggie has lost this reader! I would like to think that she was not intentionally so absolutely ignorant of what a stay at home mother does and hateful towards a large group of women. I know that we have all met mother's who stay in their jammies all day, or the ones who truly don't do anything but play all day. But, keep in mind that there is a very large number of us who are incredibly intelligent and take a great deal of pride in the job that we do.

Did anyone else find her comments extremely offensive?

I do not play trucks for 5 hours a day. I do not lack intellectual stimulation and I can assure you, Maggie, that I am of no less intelligence than a working mother. I am well educated and find a great deal of intellectual stimulation in the course of my day. Of course, I do have to go looking for it just a bit more than I would if I were still working in the fascinating field I once had a career in. I have 4 children and were I to ever have the time in the day to play for 5 hours, well that means one of the children has gone missing and everyone is hungry, and I probably haven't bathed that day.

Maggie's comments were the same as my assumption that all working mother's are profoundly selfish. I have always felt that way and never understood a mother who works. But, if I said that I would be crucified by women like Maggie. And yet she found it absolutely fine to indicated that all I do all day is play? Wow.

Sure, it won't accomplish diddly but I certainly will never visit her site again.

Thu, 2009-06-11 09:20