Are You a Paranoid Parent?

Jusdbfedfwf

Thu, 2010-03-04 11:12

My son will only be 3 in January and I'm not fearful for him. Of course I don't let him talk to strangers, etc. etc. But I didn't baby proof. I don't watch him that well at the park, in fact I sit on a bench and watch, sometimes I bring a magazine!! Bumps and bruises are part of childhood. He's a had a TV fall on him- because I didn't stop him. He's stuck a fork in an outlet- because I didn't stop him. I warn him, but I let him see the consequences of him actions. I hope by the time he's 6 or 7 I'll be able to let him walk to the park 2 blocks away by himself. I hope by the time he's 10 I'll be able to let him walk within a mile of the house. By the time he's 14, he should be pretty self sufficient. I want him to have a good grasp of personal consequence- If I do that, it hurts. I worry about sexual abuse, I worry about abduction. Statistics show only 1 in 1 million children will be abducted and most child abuse is done by someone the parents know and trust.
Your child is more likely to be killed in an equestrian accident. (Odds in one year for people who ride horses: 1 in 297,000.) Or better yet, pull him off the football team. (Yearly odds of dying for youth football players: 1 in 78,260.) And if you really want to protect them, sell your car. (Lifetime odds of dying as a passenger: 1 in 228. Odds of dying this year alone: 1 in 17,625.) Or better yet, don't go outside- (odds of getting struck by lightning in your lifetime are 1 in 3,000.)

Or, to put another spin on it, your child is 700 times more likely to get into Harvard than to be the victim of such an abduction.

Sat, 2009-10-10 20:55

I was always the helicopter mom at the playground with my first child. I've relaxed a little bit with my second child, but I'll never stop worrying about them. :)

Mon, 2009-04-06 18:28

p.s. i've found that when they injure themselves on something i've told them numerous times to leave alone, the message seems to sink in then. obviuosly i'm not going to let them jump in the fire to learn that particular lesson, but smaller non-fatal lessons.

Tue, 2009-03-31 09:10

everyday accidents:
yeah, they're gonna happen. i have three kids, i can't follow each of them around to make sure they don't hurt themselves. i can't force them all to stay in the same room so i can keep an eye on them. the baby gets a little more hovering because, well, she is only 10.5 months old. i've removed any obvious hazards and have spent the past five years teaching my kids about the other hazards and why we should avoid them. we taught them how to climb the jungle gym when they showed interest, because they were gonna do it anyway, might as well teach them how to do it safely rather than run over every two minutes to take them down because THEY MIGHT FALL!

stranger danger:
i may be a little more paranoid about this one. i've talked to my kids about what to do when someone is trying to abduct them (although, i remember watching some morning news program where they had a guy "taking" a girl [both actors] while she screamed "I DON'T KNOW HIM!" "HE IS KIDNAPPING ME!" "HELP!" and four or five people just walked on. a couple of guys finally stopped and started coming after the "kidnapper".). i don't want them to be scared stiff to do anything or go anywhere, so i try not to get hysterical about it, but i've expressed how important it is that they don't stray too far.

there is such a thing as being TOO overprotective. i've seen those kids, they don't have a lot of fun or are constantly in trouble for trying to do something "too dangerous".

Tue, 2009-03-31 07:49

You know, I'm really one to talk. I'm following regular child abduction alerts on Twitter. Why? I have no idea.

But a few months back, I commented on a blog post at Fear-based Parenting, which I think fits really snuggly within the context of this momversation.

My reply is here: http://saiaandchago.blogspot.com/2009/01/fear-based-parenting.html

But the gist of it is that I think there IS enough reason -- real reason -- to be fearful of predators, of the careless and reckless behavior of others, and, of course, the completely uncontrollable. The latter being the primary reason that I commute 30-45 minutes a day one-way across a bridge to take my kids to school, and then stay on that side of the water until they're released. Five hours later. I mean, what if there's a fire? What if a plane comes down? What if THE earthquake happens, for crimineysakes?

And we've also never let anyone (other than my mother on the once-a-year Christmas visit) sit for our kids. And we would never ever ever drop off our kids at a birthday party or playdate without one or both of us staying behind. Our kids are only 6, though. So, I imagine some of the letting go will be a natural part of their development, and our ability, in turn, to trust their judgement and decision-making skills (to a point) -- otherwise, who would ever go to slumber parties?

But I do think this topic also weaves well into the lying to your children segment a while back here on Momversation because we do very often use those little white lies to instill a sense of (hopefully reasonable and rational) fear in our children in the hopes that it filters their natural sense of adventure and indomitability.

So, yeah, how far is too far? And is being informed of certain harsh realities of life a protective shield or a plastic bubble?

Personally, I'm in the fear-as-one-of-the-many-parenting-tools-in-my-toolbelt camp. But I navigate daily the path between caution and paranoia. And for me, at least for now, that's just about right. (Or at least until their therapy bills start rolling in.)

The Adventures of Saia & Chago

Mon, 2009-03-30 18:11

TtownAnne is right when she says that most child abductions/molestation is from someone your child knows, not a stranger. Despite media depictions, the rates of these crimes are (in most areas) significantly down since we were kids -- and that's probably due to post-Adam Walsh (and in my town, Steven Staynor), stranger-danger-type education programs. But all of the true-crime stuff is tough to take.

There's this blog I've been reading, http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/, where parents talk about some of these paranoia-type issues, from stranger-danger to accidental-type stuff. It can be kind of eye-opening to see what your feelings are about what you're comfortable with versus what schools or other communities are okay with.

Mon, 2009-03-30 12:27

I work hard to be like Rebecca, mainly because my husband is so paranoid that if I let my paranoias have free rein, my daughter would never be able to leave the house! I don't know if his issues come from a policeman father, or growing up in NYC, or what, but he worries about everyone, everything, everywhere.

My mother and I were talking about this recently because I let my daughter go to a park two blocks away with her friends. She said she thought that was fine, I was MUCH younger when I was allowed to go to a park about a half mile from our house with no other instructions than "watch for my car in a while when I come pick you up". And in deciding to let my daughter do this, we gave her very specific instructions, made her wear a watch and told her what time to leave the park, how long it would take her to walk home, so that if she wasn't home by x time I was coming to look for her and she wouldn't be allowed to go again for a while, etc. I decided that it was a worthwhile experiment because I guess as a function of being an only child she is not very independent and so I think I should encourage her requests to be independent when I can.

My mother said what she thinks changed everyone's outlook on "child safety" was the kidnapping of Adam Walsh. She said he was doing a perfectly normal activity that she had let me and my brother do every time we went to a store (us looking at the toy dept. while she shopped in peace) but the constant barrage of news and reports and special shows about it really freaked everyone out. In that vein I try to keep in mind that some ridiculously huge percentage of child abductions and "child harm" come from people they know at least peripherally. The percentage of complete strangers involved in a child abduction is so low it practically isn't worth worrying about. Yes, I would still want to die if something happened to my daughter, but I can't stunt her emotional growth and my own sanity by obsessing about it.

Mon, 2009-03-30 10:41

I'm paranoid to an extent, but it's related to things that I have no control over. I never baby-proofed my house (save for moving poisonous cleaning supplies to a height they couldn't reach. My little brother managed to drink bleach one day and it scarred me.) figuring that they just needed to be taught what not to touch, etc so that if we visited somewhere that wasn't babyproofed, they wouldn't need me to follow them around every second to ensure their safety. And I don't worry when they are on the monkey bars or are swinging as high as their little legs can pump them. I don't worry when they are riding their bikes.

I am terrified about things like cancer. The thought is almost enough to spin me into a full fledged panic attack. I worry when my husband takes them on errands with him. I run through scenarios in my head when flying. It's always just me and my 3 kids and I worry how I will save all of them if we were to crash into the ocean or something. I never worry about this stuff when I fly alone. LOL. I wonder if this says more about my control issues than it does about my maternal instincts??

Mon, 2009-03-30 07:43

I’m not so much worried about my girls getting hurt as I am about someone hurting them. I’m paranoid about child molesters and boys. We live in a small town that currently has two child molesters living in it. I make sure the girls know what these men look like. I don’t let the girls go outside without supervision and they are almost 13 and 10 now. When they go outside I don’t leave the first floor of the house and I can’t sit and relax. I know if someone ever touched my child I could shot to kill. I wouldn’t think twice about it. Then there are boys, not just your everyday boy, I’m not totally crazy yet. I worry about abusive boyfriends. We are heading towards the teens years and it scares me. I think I bring that topic up more than the sex talk. I want to make sure she knows to stand up for herself and not take that crap from anyone.

Mon, 2009-03-30 02:02