November 19, 2008
How do you balance work and motherhood? Today, Heather Armstrong of dooce asks the Momversation panelists how they deal with working while raising children. Do you feel guilty about the time spent at work or away from your kids? What's your advice to Heather and other working moms? Join the conversation by leaving a comment below or participating in our related forums:
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21 Comments
Jusdbfedfwf
Thu, 2010-03-04 10:05
Lomwefgbnbv
Wed, 2010-03-03 17:34
Ummm. I am in love with all of you. Can we have a drink some time? I REALLY need some girlfriends. It's sad that I'm bonding with internet video bloggers who may end up thinking I'm a weird stalker.
Wed, 2009-01-07 06:44
I don't do guilt. However, as a work-from-home mumma I do see how when I am over-burdened and stressed, so is my daughter. So for me, it's finding balance - a tougher challenge.
As my sister has said to me "I'm a better mother BECAUSE I work".
Sun, 2008-12-14 14:11
I don't feel guilty. I also don't feel it's necessary for me to feel guilty. I wouldn't stay home with my son full time even if I could. I love work and helping people. I love my son, but I don't think daycare is doing him harm. In fact, the most well-balanced people that I know went to daycare. I think feeling guilty is something we bring on ourselves. I simply refuse to feel it.
Fri, 2008-12-05 14:23
Janice and I struggle with this working mom guilt thing sooooo much!!!!
When we both gave birth to our second babies within two weeks of each other, we knew we had to give in and hire nannies. Running our blogs and our ecommerce stores takes too much time and with newborns in the mix there was no way we could keep juggling it without childcare.
Now the babies are a year old and we still have our nannies and we can't imagine life without them. It's still not like leaving and going to a job for 8 hours of uninterrupted time though. We're still nursing, driving kids to and from school etc. So we still have tons of interruptions, but also lots of interaction with our kids during the day.
But we feel lots of guilt. And I don't imagine the guilt will be gone until they're teenagers and like @Giyen says, telling us to get a life.
Fri, 2008-11-28 16:30
I'd just like to say that as a SAHM I live with guilt too. I don't think it matter's which role we decide to do, the working Mum V the SAHM. We will always live with guilt.
I feel guilty that some days after I've spent the entire day with my son, all I want is for him to go away for a while. That sometimes I sit him in front of the TV so I can go to the toilet in peace. That I can't wait for him to have a nap so I can have a nap too. And how angry it makes me when he doesn't nap, because I miss mine.
Then, maybe if I worked I wouldn't feel that, but I would feel some other kind of guilt.
Fri, 2008-11-21 03:21
When our children were little, I traveled for work only two or three times a year. As they got older, I was more comfortable taking a job that required more travel, but no more than two or three weeks over the course of the year. We made that decision because I knew how hard it was for my husband to manage the household while I was gone.
Is there a good or bad answer to the quandry? I don't think so. It seems to me that it depends on what works for your own family.
Thu, 2008-11-20 15:38
I didn't have a choice...and yes it was the most difficult thing I had to do-leaving my new-born with a total stranger as my family (ex's parents, etc.) wouldn't help at all.
I never took a break from my career (Special Education in Public schools) though, and once my daughter got into a good preschool setting I felt the worst was over. Like I said there wasn't a choice as her dad seemed to to always be out of work! (go figure!)
I still trained for triathlons by getting up very early or setting up the bike trainer after she went to bed. I traded babysitting a lot with neighbors too.
The upside of all this is I got to retire at 53, my daughter is in college and respects me helping her reach this point and we have a good relationship!
Thu, 2008-11-20 15:19
"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man." --Erica Jong
Thu, 2008-11-20 12:05
I love how Aphra put it: A well rounded momma, who follows her passions, I think is a grand example for the kiddos.
well said!
However, I do have the guilts, but for different reasons. As a teacher, my kids need me all day long. By the time I get home, I am wiped out. I feel guilty not so much for being gone for work but rather for my need to be quiet and NOT have anyone ask me for something for at least 20 minutes after I get home. It might be different if I did get to leave at 2:30, like most people think, but I rarely make it home before 6 pm after getting to school by 7am :o). I love my job, my kids, my students, but I do miss being a stay-at-home mom. I feel badly about missing out on reading to my daughter's class or chaperoning a filed trip, but then, when I think about it, I would miss my teaching life too much to give it up!
Thu, 2008-11-20 09:35
Ah the guilt! For years when I was working in my prior career, which I was passionate about at the time, I felt lots of guilt because I was obsessed, work-aholic level, and I thought my willingness to give myself so fully in that part of my life, to the detriment of my husband at times, was a sign at the least of some fundamental selfishness, and at the worst, a sign that I didn't love my husband "enough." Well, after making significant changes in my life, and coincdentally entering mommyhood, although that didn't motivate the original choice to do a 180, I find I'm still obsessed now in my life as a writer. And of course the guilt of my child wanting to play legos, while I'm trying to get my research done sets in.
I had a kind of epiphany though. If my child, whom I love MORE THAN LIFE can't tear me away from this passionate work ethic I have, that must mean that it is fundamental to MY LIFE, and therefore it's got to be acknowledge and balanced in the whole beautiful chaos that is my life. A well rounded momma, who follows her passions, I think is a grand example for the kiddos. But then I grew up with a mom who always told me "the world doesn't revolve around you," so let the psychoanalysis begin! :-)
Aphra
http://www.relevantmom.blogspot.com
Thu, 2008-11-20 00:22
Please ladies, do not fuss so much about it.
Paige used to be the center of my universe until about last year when she basically told me to 'get a life.' Do not let this happen to you, it's humbling.
They'll respect you more when you have your own life and take time for yourself. I can tell you that the less attention that I pay to my daughter, the more interesting I become. Now that I am 'getting a life' she actually asks how my day is going. Prior to that, she used to assume that I just waited for her to come home.
Coincidentally, I have found that the same thing applies to men.
Giyen
www.baconismyenemy.com
Wed, 2008-11-19 23:34
Do husbands face this much worry when it comes to their kids?
Mothers are often sick with anxiety over mulling about time spent at home with kids vs. time spent at work (without which would cause less self-fulfillment, less independence from partner etc).
Sometimes I think the world is very much eager at perpetuating a wonky relationship of sorts. We're so proud to exhibit the "I'm a mommy, I'm a wife" label, and also to take on the obvious responsiblities as compared to our partners. Google "proud hubby" and you will see that most posts are created by women as compared to men saying it out loud themselves. And then there's the house to take care of, kids to feed..
Why aren't men as bothered as we are most of the time?
Maybe we should learn a bit from them and see whether the house crumbles..
Wed, 2008-11-19 22:43
Guilty, oh hell yeah, loads and loads of it. My solution? My checkbook. If I can pay someone else to do it I do. I have someone cut the lawn, clean the house, wash the car and anything else I can arrange so I can spend my free time with the girls. This does mean that I am paying to be able to work, but I need to work. Not only for economic reasons but I think I'm a much better mom when I am sincerely happy to see them at the end of a long day. I'm a better employee when my mind get to rest after a long day because my girls take my full attention when I'm with them so I don't have any room in my head for thoughts of work.
Then there are the thing that just don't get done. We always have clean clothes but it's not uncommon for them to be in a basket in the familyroom. I'm a one skillet wonder for dinner Monday - Thursday and I don't cook on Friday! I do cook a full blown meal on Sunday. I also pay someone to watch my girls for one weekend a quarter so I can have 2 days off. I check into a hotel and I read, watch movies, order room service and sleep until I wake up.
My mother doesn't understand it. She worked, cooked, cleaned, etc and held down a full-time job and she was one of the most unhappy people I knew. She's changed so much since she's retired it's amazing to me. She laughs, smiles and tells her grandchildren she loves them, something she didn't do with her own children.
Don't get me wrong, she is/was a great mom but she worked too hard and enjoy far to little and I learned that lesson. So if the windows aren't clean the the clothes aren't folded that's fine because I'm going to read to my girls at bed time and I'm going to do my best to get my 8 hours. If I can't do everything I elect to not vacuum or clean the toilet, I'll pay someone to do it.
Wed, 2008-11-19 19:46
I honestly don't know how women can keep the pace (for too long). Kids plus jobs plus a home to take care of plus allllll the other pressures and expectations we have these days (diet and exercise and home cleanliness, etc!!!) seems like a recipe for eventual burn-out if you try to keep all of that on your plate.
I've been a work-at-home mom, a stay-at-home mom, and a working-outside-the-home mom and all of them are difficult jobs!!! And either way, you feel guilty. When I'm at work full-time, I feel like my kids (and home!) aren't getting as much attention, but I don't think I'm a good full-time at-home mom either because it's just too much and I don't get a chance to miss them, and I also want to inspire my daughter to have her own career and goals by being a role model.
My mother and grand-mother were women whose entire focus was on being a mother. And my opinion is that I don't want to be like that. I feel women should find fulfillment in other areas, including a career. For themselves, for the kids, for financial reasons and for their own sanity and self-worth!!
The world is slow to catch on though, and old perceptions still linger. When I started my last WOHM job at the Senate (of Canada), my security check involved a long list of every single job I've had in 5 years. They had to call me to quiz me - "So when you say at-home-mom, you mean you weren't working?". "No, I was working... as an at-home mom." (he repeated his narrow-minded question until I figured out how to get it through his head: "I was not engaged in any paid employment").
My hope is that more moms start (and keep) "outsourcing" more and more, so the value of women's work is recorded and seen as what it is - *work*. And so that busy moms with full-time careers and with young kids can focus on those two very important things and leave other things to the wayside instead of having to choose.
Krismom
krismom.com
P.S. I made a blinkie today that can certainly apply to the Momversation-alists and other web-camming mommies:
"The cleanest part of my house is in front of my webcam.". ;)
Blinkie's up on my blog.
Wed, 2008-11-19 17:51
Why the guilt ... that is exactly what i ask myself even if I step out the the door for a minute without my kids... now what I ask myself every day is why my hubbie does not feel like that also; for him as long as the kids are cared for and happy, fed ect.. He is happy and out the door with no remorse. I on the other hand.. very different story
Wed, 2008-11-19 16:57
Wow, I just wrote a post about this on Monday. It's a huge discussion, and the way we handle this balance is evolving as we evolve as women and as our definitions of career and family change with the times. My point in the post is that there are no current role models for doing this *well*. We are one another's role models, and we're still all figuring it out. I believe there is a way to make it work so children are nurtured and have our undivided attention when they need it, (not just when they want it, perhaps) while we are modeling for them a fulfilled and creative life that contributes to the well-being of others. There are new definitions to create, and while we apply new ideas to old paradigms, it's bound to be messy and not quite fit. Let's keep on trying and sharing.
Wed, 2008-11-19 15:41
I didn’t make it as a working mom and gave up my career. At the time when our first daughter was born I was a Mechanical Engineer working 50+ hrs per week. This was 12 yrs ago and I was the only women in the department. It didn’t go over well when I brought up wanting a more fixed 40 hr week schedule. At the time the baby was 100% my responsibility when it came to drop off and picking up at the sitter’s or doctor appointments. Throw on top of that a big scoop of mom guilt for leaving my daughter and I cracked. My husband was great about me giving up my career and paycheck.
Now fast forward from then to today and I still question did I do the right thing? My degree is useless now, I’m out dated in that area. All that money for schooling down the drain, I don’t bring in any income but I do make a mean chocolate chip cookie. I have just gone back to school in hopes to start a new career path.
Wed, 2008-11-19 13:55
I have a really hard time. I work from home, so its like i have the best, and worst, of both worlds. In one way, i get to be around my family and embrace them. But in the other, they want me all the time, they dont get that i am working, and its constant interruptions that lead to more work.
damned if i do, damned if i dont.
trisha
Wed, 2008-11-19 10:47
The guilt is definitely always there, but I think you simply need to do it day-by-day and adjust and do your best! I know I wouldn't be happy if I didn't work and if my only identity was to be a mommy (anyway here (Montreal, Quebec) every mother works, it's just how it is). But at the same time, my son is still my absolute priority, and so I try to do things in a way that reflect that. I'm a consultant and so what I lack in job security I make up in flexibility: I work full-time but still pick him up at 4:15 every day and so I still feel like we have plenty of time together and I'm not missing out on anything major in his develpment.
I guess I'm also lucky to have an amazing (and cheap, read goverment-subsidized) daycare where I just know he's completely loved and happy, and gets all the stimulation and socialization he probably wouldn't have if he stayed with me all the time (running errands with mommy: not so fun for a toddler). I must say it eases the guilt a lot.
Wed, 2008-11-19 07:17