Co-Parent: Did You Pick the Right Mate?

For me, the answer to Daphne's question is not to have kids. I love children, always thought I'd eventually be a mom. But I'm 39 now, still childless - by choice, sort of. I like my husband. I have the usual complaints, but we get along well, have been married for 11 years. We have a nice life, decent assets, own a home, etc. All of the things that you want to have lined up before you have kids were accomplished a long time ago.

We don't have kids for a variety of reasons, but the one I don't talk about to him is that I don't think he'd be a good dad. He's extremely intolerant of noise and mess, and I can't think of anything noisier and messier than a kid or two, unless maybe it was a pack of wild dogs roaming freely through the house.

I would love to be a mom, but don't want to ever put a child in the position of having to be shushed and stifled just to deal with a parent's quirks. I grew up like that - my mother was not a good mom in many ways. I recall spending hours standing by the wall while she was on the phone, waiting for her to look at us so we could be allowed to ask her a question. We WEREN'T allowed to interrupt her "phone time" unless the house was going to burn down. Even then, I'm sure she would have been pissed.

So yeah, some of that is my own personal baggage having grown up with an inadequate parent, but part of it is concern that how he is with a pet, at least partially reflects on how he'd be as a dad. And when your partner freaks out that the cat puked on the rug again, or that he got woken at 6am three mornings running, and insists that it's a malicious conspiracy to disturb his peace and rest, I can't help but project that he would be absolutely and fundamentally unable to parent.

It makes me very sad, and it makes me angry that I didn't see it before and choose better. The problem is, I both love and like my husband. I'm 39. I wouldn't want to parent without a spouse. The one real life friend in which I have confided regarding this, tells me to leave him, and find a man who fits the bill. Practically speaking, there simply isn't time. And emotionally speaking, I don't feel it's a good enough reason to leave my husband. It's a sacrifice I've chosen to make - being a mother - and it hurts, but I believe it hurts far less than it would hurt to have a child whose father got angry or had an anxiety attack every time she cried or spit up or woke up 5 times in a night.

Wed, 2009-12-30 15:43

Hmm. It's not that I don't "like" Maggie's idea, it's that I think that's more a reflection of their own parenting than the kind of parenting they'll be able to give.

It reminds me of how my mother always said, "If you want to see if he'll treat you well, watch how he treats his mother."

I don't know, I just think it's unfair to say that if we wouldn't be 100% thrilled with being our partner's parent that they wouldn't be good co-parents. There's too much push-pull.

Sat, 2009-12-19 14:44

One of the things that came directly to mind when I saw this topic was something my mother said to me. I don't remember how the conversation started, it wasn't that long ago, but she said something that I know she's said in the past, at least indirectly. But what she said to me, not so long ago was this:

"My father wasn't much of a father and isn't much of a husband or man. You kids are lucky to have the father you do." Or something along those direct lines.

And you know what? Every single word is true. I live in Michigan, which runs on car production. Both my families worked for 2 of the Big 3, so layoff's were a part of our lives. My dad took me to ballet, he volunteered at the co-op pre-school that we all went to (just around the corner in the basement of the Methodist Church we also attended), he co-ran OM (Olympics of the Mind) and Future Problem Solving while the boys and my cousins were in elementary school (our school system had seven of us from pre-school to graduation, THREE in one year because my middle brother and my twin cousins were the same age) he coached Jr. Football when it first started, so did I, for that matter, he came to my basketball practices, sometimes came to watch me in b-ball camp and was there for the day my coach tried to get through me to the basket and he ran smack into me and fell on his ass, and I barely moved.

He went to my brother's chess tournaments, cross country races, endured many MANY Band Booster fund raisers, sat through innumerable band performances since all three of us were also in band. Actually we were all in sports, band and drama and forensics.

And it wasn't just the fun stuff either. I could go on about my dad AND my mom...the good and the bad. But when I chose a co-parent...I know I chose a good one. He may be a moron some of the time (you know...like those times he either does something moronic or disagrees with me when I'm clearly RIGHT *grin*) but we lived through the loss of our first child together. He's still angry with my parents for how they treated me Mothers Day that first year (Rhys was born after Mothers Day in '97, in '98 I got a horrible phone call from my father in the evening because when any one of us falls down on the job, it's my fault because I'm the oldest.) Well, I was...it was a horrible day for me to begin with. I was a mother who didn't have her child, and to add to it, Rhys' birth and death anniversaries will always be close to Mother's Day. My husband went to talk to my father the next day. It didn't go well. And Jim is still pissed about how they treated me. Because all three of us forgot to call Mom that day.

We don't see eye to eye on everything, or even on things that are important. But I'm Mom, so alot of these things are MY call. Did I choose the right co-parent? This nonsensical rambling indicates that I did. We home school, and Jim wanted Ripley to try Brownies, and Ripley wanted to try it. I was already responsible for all her other activities (science, yoga, swim&gym, art, ect...) so I told him if he wanted it so badly he'd have to handle it. I had my fill of Girl Scouts when I WAS one.

Ripley's in her third year of Troop 100. They're very close, especially since he's been out of work for almost two years now. I'm ill alot, so it's hard on Ripley, and Jim takes up that slack really well. I wish he'd take up the housework slack when it's clear I can't manage it...but I lost my stun gun.

I'd love to have a third child with him. I really would.

Wed, 2009-12-09 09:53

Tue, 2009-12-08 10:33

Quick facts on me: I'm remarried and I have two daughters, one is the the daughter of my first husband, the second is the daughter of my now-husband. My husband now is easy - he is a great father and stepfather. My ex-husband is something altogether different. I've been blogging for two years trying to work it all out. The short answer is, I don't think there is a short answer.

While watching to this video, I found myself thinking, what is the criteria for which we decide whether our mate (or ex-mate) is a good parent? Maggie's answer is great, but Maggie, what if you found out later that the person you thought that man was was actually an illusion, someone you wouldn't be proud of if he were your grown son? Would that make him a worse father? I mean, I find many of the choices my ex-husband makes in parenting to be unwise, short-sighted and selfish. But on the other hand, my older daughter thinks he's the greatest, coolest, most amazing thing on the planet. I suspect a lot of that has to do with him never having to discipline her or enforce any rules with her (again, long story), but the bottom line is, his advocates think he is an amazing father. Some of them think I'm a terrible mother.

When I saw the term "co-parent" is the title for this video, it made my heart sink. That term is so loaded when it comes to divorced/separated parents. What does it mean to co-parent when the two parents agree on very few values? Is it sufficient to say co-parenting is successful because a kid enjoys being with both parents?

This is a comment, not my blog. If someone wants to read the whole schpeal and enter into an endless number of considerations, they probably blog about the same thing too. But I think it suffices to say, for those of us who are no longer with the other parent of our child, the question requires and very long and involved discussion in order for one to arrive at anything resembling an answer.

Tue, 2009-12-08 09:48

Wow, Maggie's answer was just so perfect. I've never thought about it that way, and I am so amazed & upset that no one told me that growing up. That's what you're supposed to be looking for in a guy. But I guess as a teenager & in my early 20's I may not have understood what it's like to think of my unborn child's future.

My answer sort of parallels Mindy & Daphne's stories. I know the man I've chosen is a good father, based on how he is with my stepson, his parents, & his nieces & nephews. Unfortunately I am sure of that more than I am sure that he will be the best husband. I know he can be if he chooses to commit to certain lifestyle changes, if he chooses to commit to his family. I know that he is good to me now, that he can be in the future, and that he will always be an amazing father.

That is good enough for me.

Mon, 2009-12-07 19:15

Wow, this is a tough topic for me, especially right in the midst of the holiday season.

My first husband was...well, not good. We had a pretty rocky relationship from the start and probably should have never married. We both wanted a child and our daughter is the absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my life. But after she was born our relationship fell apart completely and ended in divorce. While we were married there were little things about his parenting that bothered me. He wouldn't participate in her daily care: feeding, bathing, diaper changing etc. He was all for going on walks, playing with her etc., but he never once lifted a finger to do the daily necessary things. Maybe this is more of a marriage issue, but it was puzzling and troublesome.

After our divorce, I know he struggled. He would have our daughter for a couple of days at a time with no one else to help him. Those first weeks I received many phone calls asking for instructions on how to do this or that. My daughter also came back to me unbathed, in dirty clothes etc.

Eventually, he moved to Florida (after agreeing in our divorce that we wouldn't live more than 5 miles apart--I live in Denver). For the first few months he kept in contact with her, calling often and sending cards etc. And then all of a sudden he dropped off the face of the earth. It's been over two years since my daughter has seen or spoken to him. We've tried to contact him a couple of times without success and then I just stopped because her poor little heart couldn't take the disappointment anymore.

I'm remarried now and have two step children. My daughter now has siblings whom she adores and a father who gives her everything she needs both physically and emotionally.

So, did I choose the right mate to co-parent with? Not the first time. But the second time couldn't be better.

However, I wouldn't change a thing because my daughter is the light of my life and without her father (good or bad) she wouldn't be the person she is.

@BeingSuper

Mon, 2009-12-07 12:42

Maggie's idea about whether or not she'd be happy if her son grew up to be just like her husband brought me to tears. I'm pregnant with our first child and I knew that I knew my husband was the right partner to co-parent with, but I didn't have any way of putting the reasoning into words... and now I do. If we have a son and he grows up to be just like my husband, faults and all, I couldn't be happier.

And to Daphne's point, I have a wonderful dad. In fact, if anything, my husband has a helluva lot to live up to because I'm really pretty sure that my dad is the best man in the whole world. I do think we compare our husbands to our fathers but if I say my husband is an amazing father, it'll be because he lives up to the ideal that my dad set - so I think it can work both ways.

Mon, 2009-12-07 10:58