Maggie's idea about whether or not she'd be happy if her son grew up to be just like her husband brought me to tears. I'm pregnant with our first child and I knew that I knew my husband was the right partner to co-parent with, but I didn't have any way of putting the reasoning into words... and now I do. If we have a son and he grows up to be just like my husband, faults and all, I couldn't be happier. And to Daphne's point, I have a wonderful dad. In fact, if anything, my husband has a helluva lot to live up to because I'm really pretty sure that my dad is the best man in the whole world. I do think we compare our husbands to our fathers but if I say my husband is an amazing father, it'll be because he lives up to the ideal that my dad set - so I think it can work both ways.

Wow, this is a tough topic for me, especially right in the midst of the holiday season. My first husband was...well, not good. We had a pretty rocky relationship from the start and probably should have never married. We both wanted a child and our daughter is the absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my life. But after she was born our relationship fell apart completely and ended in divorce. While we were married there were little things about his parenting that bothered me. He wouldn't participate in her daily care: feeding, bathing, diaper changing etc. He was all for going on walks, playing with her etc., but he never once lifted a finger to do the daily necessary things. Maybe this is more of a marriage issue, but it was puzzling and troublesome. After our divorce, I know he struggled. He would have our daughter for a couple of days at a time with no one else to help him. Those first weeks I received many phone calls asking for instructions on how to do this or that. My daughter also came back to me unbathed, in dirty clothes etc. Eventually, he moved to Florida (after agreeing in our divorce that we wouldn't live more than 5 miles apart--I live in Denver). For the first few months he kept in contact with her, calling often and sending cards etc. And then all of a sudden he dropped off the face of the earth. It's been over two years since my daughter has seen or spoken to him. We've tried to contact him a couple of times without success and then I just stopped because her poor little heart couldn't take the disappointment anymore. I'm remarried now and have two step children. My daughter now has siblings whom she adores and a father who gives her everything she needs both physically and emotionally. So, did I choose the right mate to co-parent with? Not the first time. But the second time couldn't be better. However, I wouldn't change a thing because my daughter is the light of my life and without her father (good or bad) she wouldn't be the person she is. @BeingSuper

I too love Maggie's answer and was nearly brought to tears by it. And I think Mindy's answer was great too: because a guy can be a great dad but not a great husband. Or vice versa. Or whatever combo of guy, dad, husband, brother, etc. Really curious to see how people respond to Daphne's question... I don't have any personal experience in this department, but I've always had my doubts about the idea that "any dad is better than no dad."

Thanks for the very honest answer to my question. That is so tough and I never understand a parent who bails. I'm so glad your daughter has a great stepdad. I know I am one of the many who can say, "if my best parents were were all healthy and fabulous I wouldn't have been born." At least that's what my mom says!

Wow, Maggie's answer was just so perfect. I've never thought about it that way, and I am so amazed & upset that no one told me that growing up. That's what you're supposed to be looking for in a guy. But I guess as a teenager & in my early 20's I may not have understood what it's like to think of my unborn child's future. My answer sort of parallels Mindy & Daphne's stories. I know the man I've chosen is a good father, based on how he is with my stepson, his parents, & his nieces & nephews. Unfortunately I am sure of that more than I am sure that he will be the best husband. I know he can be if he chooses to commit to certain lifestyle changes, if he chooses to commit to his family. I know that he is good to me now, that he can be in the future, and that he will always be an amazing father. That is good enough for me.

There is no such thing as perfect but my husband is a perfect fit for me & perfect for our kids. Like Mindy my dad just didn’t stick up for me, never in my corner or gave me a word of encouragement. My husband is totally the opposite, he’s been on every field trip (when home), he is always in our girls’ corner ready to stick up for them and he’s an active parent in their activities. My husband could tell you their favorite colors where as my dad probably couldn’t name the instruments I played in high school. I’ve enjoyed watching him change into a father & bonding with our oldest when she was born. It was amazing & made me love him more. Had he been like my father I don’t think we would still be married and he wouldn’t see the girls more than I had to allow him to. I would love to have a little boy who is exactly like my husband, smart mouth & all. Married/Single Parent

Quick facts on me: I'm remarried and I have two daughters, one is the the daughter of my first husband, the second is the daughter of my now-husband. My husband now is easy - he is a great father and stepfather. My ex-husband is something altogether different. I've been blogging for two years trying to work it all out. The short answer is, I don't think there is a short answer. While watching to this video, I found myself thinking, what is the criteria for which we decide whether our mate (or ex-mate) is a good parent? Maggie's answer is great, but Maggie, what if you found out later that the person you thought that man was was actually an illusion, someone you wouldn't be proud of if he were your grown son? Would that make him a worse father? I mean, I find many of the choices my ex-husband makes in parenting to be unwise, short-sighted and selfish. But on the other hand, my older daughter thinks he's the greatest, coolest, most amazing thing on the planet. I suspect a lot of that has to do with him never having to discipline her or enforce any rules with her (again, long story), but the bottom line is, his advocates think he is an amazing father. Some of them think I'm a terrible mother. When I saw the term "co-parent" is the title for this video, it made my heart sink. That term is so loaded when it comes to divorced/separated parents. What does it mean to co-parent when the two parents agree on very few values? Is it sufficient to say co-parenting is successful because a kid enjoys being with both parents? This is a comment, not my blog. If someone wants to read the whole schpeal and enter into an endless number of considerations, they probably blog about the same thing too. But I think it suffices to say, for those of us who are no longer with the other parent of our child, the question requires and very long and involved discussion in order for one to arrive at anything resembling an answer.

My husband is a good father in exactly the same way that I am a good mother. That is, we both had no idea how to be parents or what kind of parents we would be before our son was born, and now we're doing the best job we know how, and it's working out pretty well. He and I disagree on a few things, like how we can best discipline him, how much TV he should be watching, how much candy he should be allowed, but for the big stuff, I think we're on the same page. The only issue I have is that my husband has incredibly wonderful, kind moments, but he also has moments where he gets really angry about something completely stupid or treats me like I am a moron because I went about doing something in a different way than he would have. I call him out for this all the time, and he always apologizes, but it's as if he can't help it. I'd love to just have that piece of his personality amputated. But, what can we do now? We've brought a son into this world and we need to work together to raise a good kid. I'm sure there's stuff about me he doesn't like, but we have to put it all aside and concentrate on the task at hand.

I can imagine a good parent being a crappy spouse, but I can't imagine that person being a good "co-parent" unless you've really divided up the landscape pretty thoroughly (as you might in the negotiations around divorce). I mean, half of it is getting onto the same page (both by learning together and by negotiating values and guidelines) and half of it is the back-and-forth -- realizing when your partner has gotten frustrated or tired and stepping in, valuing the difficulty of childcare and being more supportive when "off-duty" (like making dinner appear magically, or taking the hard in-law phone calls), developing the kid-jokes and beer stash and other things that parents need to get through the hard days, not worrying about whose job is whose but just (recognizing and) getting The STuff done, and taking some responsibility for nurturing the relationship in the midst of the storm. Everybody will have strengths and weaknesses among these sorts of things, as well as days when they do better or worse at stepping up, but it feels to me like that's what it means to be in the game, and it's the kind of teamwork that a couple can develop over the earlier years of their relationship if all goes well (heck, they can develop it during wedding planning, if the Us versus Them stuff gets crazy enough). Just my two cents. It's partly picking and partly cultivating, but I think that much of what you need to know you can discern before the first diaper shows up. (Sadly, if you've been "fooled," as somebody else said, then it can be painful realizing that you're really a single parent! The sooner you figure it out, the sooner you can decide what to do next, but ouch.)