To Cry It Out or Not Cry It Out?

I write this from a (good) air mattress which is next to Roo's bed. He will be 4 years old later this month. His younger brother will turn 3 a couple of weeks later.

Roo and Bear are biological brothers who came to live with us at age 13 months and 1 month as foster children, and we finalized their adoption a year and a half later. If I had known what was coming, I would have taken one more nap before bringing home the first time.

We knew that their confirmed and suspected exposure to toxins in the womb and overall poor prenatal care would affect their ability to self-regulate and self-soothe. We thought we were up for it -- but those issues in two children at once nearly buried us. I get emotional just thinking about it... I honestly don't know how our little family would have survived without the remarkable, over-the-top help we received.

Long story short, we had to move out of our home and in with another family.

Oh, my little boys... the anxieties, the severe reflux, the sleep, the daily trauma that was 2 adults for every naptime and every bedtime (one adult per boy).

The specialists who had nothing for us.

The early-intervention preschool teacher who always looked at me like I was making stuff up and had the nerve to ask me if "I'd ever tried a rocking chair." Oh really, what's that? Do tell.

It's probably a good thing I didn't slug her when she said that. Considering my massive sleep-deprived state at the time, it's kind of amazing that I didn't.

Their pediatrician is an advocate of trying a certain degree of "crying it out." But she agrees that's not an option for them, considering their other issues.

Over the last three years, she suggested Benadryl and then Melatonin. Both helped some, but didn't make much of a dent in the overall problem.

A few months ago, we started them on a very low dose of a perscription medicine. I's an off-label use for a blood pressure medication, but that was better thn having to start trying psychotropic options. And it has made a big difference. Oh dear God, thank you...

And I may be on an air mattress, but I'm not IN the bed anymore, and that's a big step when you count all the tiny baby steps of progress like we do.

Maybe someday I'll be my own sleep groove back...

Sat, 2009-10-10 00:09

I was totally against letting my daughter cry it out, and after trying lots of different methods we decided to let her cry. I tried the no cry sleep solution, which DID NOT WORK. And I after me slept only 2-3 hours a night while trying for three weeks straight hunched over my daughter's crib). She was 9 months old when we let her cry it out - I don't think this method is intended for newborns. We did the go in after 5 minutes to tell her everything's okay without picking her up...then after 10 minutes...then after 15..etc. We only had to go to 15 minutes, and it only lasted one night.

Since then, she's been sleeping from 7PM to 7AM, and she is now almost 3. If she wakes up at night sometimes, she'll ask us for water or sing a song or talk to her dolls. Sometimes she stays awake in her crib for an hour and then goes back to sleep. If she calls us in, though, it's when she's not feeling well or when she has a request (i.e., "I'm hot. Can you please turn on the fan?")

So for us, it was absolutely empowering for our daughter. She associates her bed and her room with sleep, not me or my breasts. And she was a COMPLETELY different kid when she started getting 12 hours of sleep a night - happier, less whiny, more energetic. I used to roll my eyes at women who said they let their kids cry it out, but it changed our lives, and our daughter still loves us.

Tue, 2009-10-06 21:35

Ugh, heartrending. Getting our kids to sleep shouldn't be heartrending, should it? Even after all this time the topic fills me with ambivalence.

All I will say is that we let our son cry it out when he was an "older" baby -- about 1 1/2. This was a kid who, after about 6 weeks, only napped 30 minutes per day. We were exhausted.

He just turned ten yesterday, and the intervening years have taught us that he's a kid who doesn't like to take direction, and will loudly protest for a LONG time until he learns that's his only option. I say this simply to remind people that temperament plays a big part in this decision.

One thing that didn't make it into the video was my statement that I could never *encourage* a parent to do this. How people can be cavalier about it I'll never know. But, in the end, it was the only thing that worked for us.

Sat, 2009-10-03 09:40

It's all about trust!!!! Trust trust trust!!!
The most important thing you can do for you and your baby is train them to fall asleep on their own. But! My advice is to start early...put them down almost asleep, not totally asleep, when they are brand new. Keep it up and be consistent. But listen to their cues. New born babies need to be in their parents arms often and bond so if you put them down and they cry, wait a minute at the most and if it doesn't stop, pick them up right away. This is how you will build trust with your baby. Kiss them, hold them, sing to them. Let them know you love them. Once they get a bit older, 3-5 months, let them cry for a few minutes but be absolutley sure that you go in to their room every 1-3 mintues and rub their back, head, tummy or bum and tell them 'it's ok sweetheart', 'you can do it hunny' and that you love them and that you are just in the next room etc. Never leave a baby too young to cry it out for more than a few minutes without going in to comfort them. Never! They will not trust you and trying to win back trust from a baby is very difficult. Try not to pick them up if you can but if they are totally freaking out, pick them up and cuddle them, make sure they didn't have a burp they needed to get out (or a poo filled diaper) and then put them right back in the crib again. VERY IMPORTANT: if your baby is upset and screaming, there is a good chance your baby has to burp. Especially if you put them on thier backs and they can't move. I leanr't this the hard way. My baby boy was crying one day in his stroller and I picked him up and he let out a huge burp! Poor guy:( Babies are so helpless and can't communicate other than crying so listen to your child. The first time i put him in his crib awake, he cried for 8 minutes and then fell asleep. It was the longest 8 minutes of my life but after about a week of this, he was able to all asleep all by himself! I give him a soother for naps but not at night and it works well. He can fall asleep no problem at night without his soother. You will be amazed at how these little miralces will sleep once they learn to do so by themselves and trust you. It will help your relationship with your spouse and your connection with your baby cause he/she will be well rested and tons of fun to be around! I recommend the "Sleep Whisperer" and "Twelve Hours of Sleep by Twelve Weeks" books...excellent info in there. If you need any more advice on this please let me know! I could go on forever! Good luck! AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: IT IS NOT YOUR BABY'S FAULT, IT IS NOT YOUR BABY'S FAULT! I had to repeat this over and over to myslef when i was frusterated with him. It is not his fault. In fact, it was mine! It's called accidental parenting. Opps!

Fri, 2009-10-02 09:48

Oh Holy Night. Letting our son CIO was completely awful. But, like Leta, he was colicky and had reflux. At 6 months old, he would wake up between 7-10 times a night, and we were going crazy. We dreaded going to sleep every night because we knew we weren't going to sleep anyway. Something had to change.

Starting around 7 months, we tried every gentle sleep technique their was and none of them worked. Going in to soothe him only made him cry harder. Around 8 months, we decided to let him CIO. He cried for 45 minutes, then went to sleep and slept all night. Each night it was less, until we would put him down without a fuss. Now, at 19 months, he sleeps like a champ.

I know that not everyone would make this decision, but it was right for us and our child. Perhaps he has learned that no one is coming to get him. Perhaps there is part of him that loves me less. I prefer to think that I have given my child, and myself, the gift of sleep.

Thu, 2009-10-01 13:25

My daughters were 11 months and 2.5 years when they came home to us so I can't say how they were in the early parts of their lives. But we did have to do some sleep training. Mainly letting them know that we WERE still there, we just weren't going to let them up out of bed. We started this from night one and now my girls are fantastic sleepers almost a year later.

I think it's necessary to follow your baby's lead and figure out a way for everyone to be happy.

Thu, 2009-10-01 12:39

I agree that you have to do what's right for your child. We did the cry it out method with our daughter, starting when she was 3.5 months old. At that age, she could roll over and we put her to sleep on her tummy (a major faux-pas). The first time we tried it, she cried for less than 5 minutes, needless to say, we're very lucky. We did this for naps first, then eventually we did it when putting her down to sleep for the night (which they say is psychologically different than going to sleep for naps). The first night we did it, she cried for about 45 minutes, then slept well with a few night wakings, the crying reduced but the night wakings did not. Eventually, we got her to the point where she wasn't crying at all when we put her down. Then we worked on reducing the night wakings by not going to her as often. Now, at 9 months old, she sleeps through the night for 12 hours.

I feel that we worked hard to get to this point and that our daughter would never have done it on her own. If I kept going to her every time she cried, she would've keep crying for me. It's not easy to do the "cry it out" method. Although, I admit it never took 14 nights of crying, it took more like 3 nights and the crying wasn't too long. And my little girl sucks her fingers to soothe herself to sleep--she really, clearly does self-soothe, it's so great to see her help herself. Also, it can be helpful not to just leave your baby without going back to check him/her, especially after they learn to stand in the crib. Read here about what you can do when they're standing there screaming: http://mamaberg.wordpress.com/2009/08/22/a-whole-new-scream/ it worked for us, anyway.

Great book on the subject that helped me a lot: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Mark Weissbluth! Check it out!

Thu, 2009-10-01 09:49

Cry it out worked for my son Eli. It was a tough choice, but after 3 nights of non-stop crying unless he was in our arms, we were desperate.

Eli was about 4 or 5 months old at the time, which is a little young. But he had been a great sleeper, then suddenly he wasn't. We tried everything we could think, he wasn't sick, he wasn't hurt, he wasn't teething. He just wanted to be held. The first night was the hardest. We let him cry for 5 minutes, went to check on him, waited 7 minutes, then 10, and so on. I think the longest he cried for before he fell asleep was 20 minutes. I felt like the worst momma in the world. But the next night he cried for less time. The night after he barley cried, and from then on he slept like angle.

This was one of the hardest things I had to do as a parent, but it worked for us. Eli slept like an angle from then on.

Allison
www.alli-n-son.com

Wed, 2009-09-30 21:04

For the most part, I am anti-cry-it-out. Baby cries, I pick them up. That is how we are designed to respond, and we can fight it, but it really tears us apart inside to do so for very long. It's not healthy for anybody, and while I would like to have my bed back, we are cosleepers because getting out of bed every 1-3 hours for two years is probably not healthy either.

However, all kids are different, and my sensitive older child could not possibly have been Ferberized. He was incredibly content until it was time to sleep, and then he was inconsolable. He would literally scream himself sick if we put him down alone. My daughter is 14 months and a totally different creature. She will fight sleep as long as I try to hold her, so I lay her down if she is tired- in my bed - and she cries, but only for a few minutes before falling asleep. If she is awake longer than five or ten minutes, I go in to lay down with her or get her up and try again later.

BTW, if you do not yet have children, and your husband's side of the family is riddled with sleeping disorders, consider adoption. Nobody sleeps through the night here. Last night, my husband kept waking me up to tell me that the mattress was made of butter, and my 6 yr old was head-butting the wall while shouting about people going the wrong way, so a baby in my bed is kinda the least of my worries when it comes to getting a full night's sleep.

Wed, 2009-09-30 12:49

I am a mother of 1 and a Nanny for over 10yrs I have always used the method of routine and soothing.

I first put them to bed put repetative soothing music or white noise I would cubble them and and say goodnight. Then I would lay them down and sit in the room where they couldnt see me if they began to cry I would softly sooth with my voice if they got real upset I would pat their backs but i wouldnt turn on lights or pick them up. I would get a lil closer to the door every day until I was out the door in the hallway with door open again if they started to cry I would sooth with my voice eventually Im out the door most kids wre done in a week and I could just leave the room and close the door the rare child took 10 days. this worked for naps as well as at night. If they woke up at night I would go in sooth with my voice and maybe pat their back but never pick them up even if they neede diaper change ( unless it was a big mess) I would leave lights low and change in crib and turn over patting back and soothing voice. It always worked everytime. I think the main thing is consistancy and knowing you are there

I understand what Mindy was saying about realizing no ones comming The way I do it they know your there but they also know crying isnt going to allow you to get up or sleep with mom or nanny.

Wed, 2009-09-30 12:14

Heather I am so sorry, I don't know what to say other than that.

It makes me feel bad to even tell this story because it's so minor compared to what you ladies went through with your children.

The first month of Moanna's life was miserable for me. She would sleep FINE during the day, for a few hours at a time. When the sun would go down, she would sleep for no lie 10 minutes at a time. I would nurse her, swaddle her... the whole routine. Lay her down in her crib that was by the way right next to our bed. 10 minutes later she would wake up and freak out. So we would do the whole routine over again. Steve and I both cried almost every night because we didn't know what to do. I kept thinking please don't let her have my insomnia, not at this point in her life. I honestly didn't like my daughter those first few weeks, I loved her yes, but I didn't like her. We would both freak out if we were left alone with each other for too long. I had to go back to work four weeks after she was born just to get away. I don't remember what changed, but she started sleeping for an hour at a time, then two and so on.

This is my take on the whole thing. Do what is best for you and your baby. For us, when Moanna was under a year old and then on nights when she was older, we would go get her. Now that she is two, we only get her up if it's the "HEELLLLLP MEEEEEEE" cry. If it's any other cry, she stays. Typically it takes her less than 5 minutes to fall back to sleep, if it's not the serious cry.

Wed, 2009-09-30 10:04

I am so glad that you finally tackled this topic that is so near to my heart. I can't believe I"m doing this but I need to defend Dr. Ferber. Why on earth do people attach his name to this Cry-It-Out method? FERBER DOES NOT ADVOCATE THE CRY-IT-OUT METHOD! Can I say that again? OK, I won't- but it's true. I know because I have read every single sleep book out there. Weissbluth (of Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Baby fame) is the one to advocate putting your baby down at night and not returning all night long. On the contrary, Ferber is very clear in the new edition of his book that not only does he not advocate this technique but he thinks it is possibly detrimental to both mother and baby. That is his official stance. Ferber advocates a progressively lengthened time of coming in and soothing the baby briefly and leaving over the night (but you generally start at three minutes and you never ever let the kid cry for more than half an hour maximum EVER).

That's my beef. Beyond that technicality, I think every family needs to do what is best for them. My toddler is definitely still not sleeping through the night. Things were bad during teething and then got better. We are using a very gentle combination of Pantley's (No Cry Sleep Solution) and Ferber. I need my sleep but I don't mind waking up a couple times per night. That's where I stopped with the training rather than get her to sleep all night long. That's just me, though.

I will second Mindy's assertion that I would also be downing bottles of Jack Daniels and shooting at pigeons if I had to deal with two weeks of screaming. Heather is awesome. Mindy is awesome. Thank you for sharing your lives so honestly. It helps me more than I could ever express.

Wed, 2009-09-30 07:47