April 03, 2009
It should be an equal childcare partnership, so why do some moms get nervous when dad is left alone with the kids? Is it a control issue? Do mothers objectively take better care of children? Or are moms afraid that their kids will return home like this? Whatever the reason, Daphne Brogdon of Cool Mom would like to know, "Are you nervous to leave your children in the care of dad?" Guest panelist Kierna Mayo, Big Kid Buzz Editor of CafeMom, joins the conversation.
Do you trust your partner to watch the kids? Do you get mad if he doesn't follow "your rules?" Or is having dad watch the kids a great help and luxury (girls' night out!)? And what about "Mr. Mom?" Is dad your children's primary caregiver? Join the Momversation by commenting.
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20 Comments
I'm terrified of leaving the kids with their dad. I often come home to the house trashed, the kids filthy and passed out in front of the tv with food everywhere and Dad not paying attention to anything but his beloved world of warcraft. But to be fair, it's kind of the same result when I'm home with them on an off day, like when i'm sick
Tue, 2009-04-28 20:09
My son is three-months and I am terrified to leave him alone with his dad. Part of it is that I think I am too controlling but the other part is that he doesn't know how to calm him down when he starts crying. Every time I leave to go get groceries or need to run an errand, I always get a call asking when I will get home with the baby crying in the background. And of course, as soon as I walk through the door, daddy looks tired, upset, angry, frustrated. I am not really sure what to do. I try to teach him or help him feel comfortable in soothing our son but it doesn't seem to work. His confidence level is just really low. Suggestions?
Thu, 2009-04-09 12:11
Your husband is probably in a bad grumpy mood after watching the kid on his own because he does not know how to deal with her on his own. I was in the same boat: Greg is a loving father and husband, but every time I had to leave him with our baby, he’d be exhausted after an hour! Exhausted = cranky = moody = grumpy. The only solution here is to “guide” him through: let him learn by watching you and CONTINUE to leave him with the kid on a regular basis, that’s how he will learn. After all, practice makes perfect. Yes, it was very difficult for me to leave, hearing her cry while my husband was changing her diaper with a stern face. Slowly (and yes, after quite a few arguments and tears) he learned to talk to her, sing to her. He learned that babies need talking to even though they cannot talk back yet. And all that I had to explain to him.
So what it takes is patience. At times I still feel like I have two kids to teach: one how to walk and talk and the other one how to deal with babies.
Thu, 2009-04-16 14:18
My kids are older now, but I was never stressed when their Dad watched them...he's their Dad and completely capable. I was just happy to get out the door.
Wed, 2009-04-08 17:17
i love this!!.. i have two daughters... one is 21 months and the other is 9 months (and still breastfeeding)
i have on occasion left one or both of my daughters with my other half but every time i do.. i know i'm coming home to a miserable house!!
i'm very scheduled and he's not... the only thing he always remembers is nap time.. why?? because it gives him a break!! what does he feed them?? the older one gets random snacks.. the younger one.. (he conveniently forgets she does eat food so) he rings down my phone to tell me she won't stop crying and i NEED to come home.. funny.. i don't think so.. i can't even shower without having them take over our house..
this drives me crazy.. i can't leave them with him ever!! grandma does a better job.. i don't know if he plays the i'm an idiot and a child myself card purposely or if that's how he really is..
Wed, 2009-04-08 14:29
I think it depends on the type of man you're married to. If your man is a hands on father and in control of his own life then you need not give thought over to it.
For a peek at how we get on check out: http://www.yumyum-eatemup.com
Tue, 2009-04-07 06:56
Hey everyone. Really enjoying the interaction on the site. Great peeps indeed. Check out my piece in reaction to the Hubby watching the kids video above. Enjoy and feel free to comment on the site...
http://www.outnumberedonline.com/2009/04/youre-god-damn-right-you-should...
Jay
Mon, 2009-04-06 19:09
I love when my husband watches the kids. They love spending time with him, and it's nice for me to have some time to myself. That said, I'll never forget the time he said that he brought our daughter to her ballet class with her tights on the outside of her leotard. He didn't realize that the tights go on inside the leotard until he got to class & saw that no one else was dressed the way she was! :)
Mon, 2009-04-06 18:50
I'm a SAHD, so, usually I'm the one stressing out over nap schedules. Our son is eleven months old and I've been home along with him since he was three months old. My wife actually comes to me for advice about what our son needs. She is an amazing mother, but just because of our situation I am the one that handles things with him and around the house. Obviously our situation is very much in the minority. Also, to oneandonly_erin, thank you. Dads don't babysit, we parent. Whether we are stay at home, work at home or work outside of the home. I get that all the time when I'm out running errands. "Oh, are you giving mommy a break and babysitting today?" I just smile and say "yes", it generally isn't worth my time trying to explain things.
Mon, 2009-04-06 06:22
Sun, 2009-04-05 12:33
so glad to see the men posting on here!
and yes, i'll leave my son with my husband ANY DAY of the week/weekend and not think twice about it. these days, our child is completely fascinated with "dad dad dad" and when he goes to work, that leaves me with an inconsolable child. pay back is when daddy comes home, and i go get a pedicure. :)
how's that for male-bonding?
Sun, 2009-04-05 06:51
As a Dad, there's nothing scarier than getting the assignment. The kids don't scare me as much as the lack of sleep and patches of time that constantly need to be filled. No doubt I'm up for it though. My wife just needs to check all their fingers and toes when she gets home... Read about one of those times here:
http://www.outnumberedonline.com/2009/01/just-shoot-me.html
Sun, 2009-04-05 06:07
At first, oh yes I was nervous - I had images of her wandering along the center line of I-90 while he snorted and slept in his recliner, the Lakers squeaking their way down the court. Images of him in the recliner, her inching her way up the ladder I KNOW he didn't put away, trying to pet the birdie curiously examining her from the gutter.
It makes me shudder to even think of it now.
But, I got over it. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with being a mom (at least how I seem to roll as a mom). He does things how I wouldn't do it, but if he did everything the way I did, I would be bored out of my mind in about three hours, so if he gives her an entire can of Spaghetti-O's for breakfast or lets her play Wii for six hours straight, that's his decision, and ok. I just had to let go a little (WAY easier than it sounds, lol!)
Sun, 2009-04-05 05:46
A couple years ago, my wife took on some Saturday clients ... which meant leaving the kids home with me.
The first few times she had to work on Saturday, the kids practically barricaded the door with their bodies to keep her from leaving ... and I was kinda hoping they'd be successful. (They weren't.)
At my insistence, my wife would leave for me a list of instructions that outlined what should be happening at what time, and what food should be served, and how to make it, and so on. My every move was scripted.
It wasn't long, however, before I was completely comfortable caring for them on my own ... and, equally important, before they were comfortable being left with me for a whole day.
Mommy's not working Saturdays anymore, but I am thankful for the period of time when she did, because it made me a better father, and certainly helped balance out the parenting dynamic in our family; prior to those Saturdays With Daddy, the kids were still sporting invisible umbilical cords.
Ironically, I now often find it easier to care for them on my own than I do when both of us are here with them ... for a variety of reasons ... to include the fact that the kids behave completely differently when she's around (which, in my opinion, is because they know she's willing to put up with more of their shenanigans than am I), and the fact that she and I don't always agree on how to parent our lovely cherubs when we're all here together ... which has, on more than one (million) occasion(s), led to some rather heated exchanges between us.
Anyhoo ... just thought I'd throw in my 2¢, in case anyone is interested in hearing from a Daddy who often watches the kids solo. (Doing so right now, in fact. It's Saturday night, and she's out. I played with 'em, fed 'em, got 'em ready for bed, brushed their teeth, tucked 'em in, read 'em their books ... all while adhering to the same schedule as that followed when Mommy's home. Now, if you'll pardon me, I have to go ice my right arm; I just injured it while patting myself on the back.)
Sat, 2009-04-04 17:50
I feel okay when I leave my 10 month old with his dad. I know he's a good dad and things will likely be fine. But, I agree with what I *think* most of the panel is trying to say: I'm a micro manager. I like to be in control. I don't think it's because I don't think anyone else can do as good a job, but I think I just want to make sure it's all been done and he's gotten everything he needs.
Also, my son is in his really clingy phase, and since my husband is working so much, it's only me he's clingy too, not both of us. So when I leave, I don't really care if he bumps his head, but I just think, is he going to be okay with just having daddy there to hug and not me??? But, for the most part I don't worry. I also don't feel like I need to get away either. I enjoy things I can take him along to do. I'm sure this will change as he gets older though.
Fri, 2009-04-03 14:46
My husband has always been very involved in the childcare. I am home alone with the children the vast majority of the time. So, leaving him alone with them is a fair trade for me to have some me-time. That said, while he is wonderful as a parent, he is a bit absent-minded. I am fine with leaving the kids alone with him. However, I have to accept that they will probably have potato chips for lunch and spend way too much time playing something electronic. My husband is completely useless for meals and he thinks game cubes and boxes and pc stuff is the ultimate in entertainment. Since he will eat potato chips for his own lunch and play something electronic the whole time himself, he sees nothing wrong with the kids doing the same.
It used to bother me. Not anymore. The me-time is too important to worry about whether they eat something nutricious during one portion of the day. I just make sure they eat extra verggies at dinner or for snack time. It is a trade-off. I know their health won't really suffer. I know they will play with toys and use their imagination and go out in the sunlight when I am the one in charge.
Fri, 2009-04-03 13:56
also wanted to mention that i hate when people talk about dad as the 'babysitter'. "oh, is he playing the babysitter today?". um, no. he's a dad, so he's being a dad.
Fri, 2009-04-03 08:28
wow, this would never have occurred to me -- have we really moved so little from the 1950s? I mean, Spouse and I figured out parenthood together -- we got up in the night together (he did diapers and formula, when needed, I did boobs and hugs), we figured out solids together, dealt with inconsolable evening cries, etc. He's been taking one day per week solo with the kid ever since, which I'm sure is rarer, but it means he's as up on the current state of flux in Kid's sleep, development, and moods as I am. The main difference is that I do more reading on parenting stuff (mainly because he has lots of work in the evenings) and I have (ahem) better instincts on what clothes go together. I probably also obsess ahead of big events more, so that I hit the ground running on equipment to pack, etc., but he'd get there too, if needed.
Am curious about the "something missing" that one panelist felt -- is it something that she thinks was overlooked in the kids' day, or did she just miss being with them? And, to anybody who worries about Dad, do you really feel he's worse than, say, a daycare team? Isn't he more likely to be giving the kid plenty of personalized attention, etc.?
Respect The Nap is a whole different thing -- I would be outraged if Spouse (or any caretaker!) disregarded the kid's nap needs, not just because it would wreck my day (although Spouse better Respect The Wife!!), but because it's a central part of our childcare obligations to keep the kid rested and healthy. I guess having primary responsibility for at least one day per week would cure dads of any inclination to be cavalier about that! wow.
Anyway, amusing topic. Interested to hear other takes.
Fri, 2009-04-03 07:29
dude, i'm home with the kids by myself MOST of the time....BRING ON THE DAD TIME!
no, i am nervous leaving him at HOME with the kids because, invariably, the homestead will look worse upon my arrival than it did upon my departure. i'm like, "dude, we were here ALL DAY and the house stayed picked-up...why does it look like the final battle of star wars took place in our living room? i've only been gone for an hour!"
so no, angelo is great with the kids. they love being with him and i love leaving without them.
Fri, 2009-04-03 06:35
Oh what a wonderful day when my husband is home with our daughter and I am not home! We only have one child and baby girl is still just 9 months old, and since I am currently a SAHM, it is such a relief to get away once in awhile (rarely ... but it does happen). I don't worry at all.
...
Okay, well, maybe I worry a little. Admittedly, sometimes our daughter is totally a mamas girl. I went out for dinner with some friends this week and was just hoping I wouldn't get a text message like last time: "she's been crying for over an hour. i don't know what to do."
I didn't.
Fri, 2009-04-03 05:55