A miscarriage can dredge up myriad emotions: guilt, sorrow, anger, and isolation. A miscarriage truly is a loss, and it's natural to grieve. It's also natural to ask yourself questions such as, "What did I do to cause this?" even though the majority of miscarriages have nothing to do with a mother's actions. And though it's difficult to talk about, miscarriages should be discussed because such a large number of women experience them; talking through the pain can often lead to a healthier recovery and less stigma. So, today on Momversation, the panelists are speaking about miscarriage, the feelings associated with them, and the reaction of friends and co-workers.  Our guest Megan Meany of NBC 4 New York asks, "How do you deal with your or a friend's miscarriage?"

 

 

Have you had a miscarriage?  Has a friend?  How have you dealt with it, and do you think discussing them is healthy or hurting?  Join the Momversation by commenting below.

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Showing the Latest of 50 Comments

blueskies98990
3 weeks ago
I just found and watched and all I can say is thanks!!!! I had a miscarriage 2 ,monthes ago and still hurting so bad. I feel like no one understands and I can not talk to anyone even with the hubby its so hard.
 
kristanhoffman
10 months ago
(Oops, a coworker just walked by while the title screen for this video was up on my screen. Will she now think I'm dealing with a miscarriage? Do I say anything?? o_O) .......... I don't have any experience with this myself, but I just wanted to say to all of you that I am so sorry for your loss... :( When I was a girl, my best friend's aunt had 6 miscarriages and she was, even at that age I could tell, absolutely devastated by them. Thankfully, the 7th time was the charm. And let me tell you, that baby was ADORED. Cherished. Beloved. And, I like to think, she carried a bit of each of the others within her.
 
feastafterfamine
10 months ago
Heavy, hard topic that cuts close as I've lost five babies to miscarriage. Thank you so much - each of you - for talking about the subject. Obviously, I was crushed by grief after our first loss. But I was angry too. Angry that no one told me before we got pregnant just how common miscarriage is. My mother, grandmother, aunt, friends, THE DOCTOR! No one said anything. I was one of the first of my friends to get pregnant so I didn't have the experience of hearing others' stories. The grief was more paralyzing because it was grief in isolation. Like you say, Megan. People just don't seem to know what to say. And repeated miscarriages, well, they really don't know what to do with that. Once people heard our story, there were many who offered support but what I found most helpful were the people who shared their stories. Just to know I wasn't alone. Somehow, my husband and I now find ourselves with four children. We're still not entirely sure what turned it around for us though I'm convinced an acupuncturist experienced with infertility issues helped inordinately. We're astonished everyday and obviously feel insanely lucky but we'll NEVER forget the losses. The scars from the miscarriages will always define us. And our marriage. Infertility can be devastating to relationships. We somehow managed to muddle through but just barely. Here's what I have to offer: - thanks: for sharing your story and speaking out - hope: that despite repeated losses you can create a family (whether through your own pregnancy or adoption, which we pursued for a time) - advice: you may find great comfort and help through individual or marriage counseling - condolences: to you AND your partner because the losses affect both, just as deeply - best wishes: that you find peace and joy and family.
 
happygirl
9 months ago
I was 6 weeks when I learned that I had had a miscarriage. (I just found out one week ago today.) My husband and I had just made the exciting decision to start trying, and we got pregnant almost instantaneously. (I stopped taking birth control on October 19 and had 4 positive pregnancy tests on November 4 & 5.) We told my entire family on Thanksgiving that we were going to have a baby. Less than a week later, my mom had to call everyone to report the bad news. Checking the mail & my email has been hard. I got a "congratulations!" letter from my grandmother one day, and an "I'm so sorry" letter from her the very next day. The stuffed lamb that I ordered from Etsy was in the mailbox when I got home from the doctor. I had to unsubscribe from the website that was sending me email updates on what my body and my baby would be doing this week. Beyond having experienced the greatest disappointment of my life, I too am quite angry. As feastandfamine said: "Angry that no one told me before we got pregnant just how common miscarriage is. My mother, grandmother, aunt, friends, THE DOCTOR!" It's like women have been coming out of the woodwork in droves since I learned that I had a miscarriage. Where were they before?? I've actually had difficulty feeling like my grief is common and shouldn't be such a big deal since it happens to everyone. But then I think that everyone has lost someone close, and the fact that it happens all the time doesn't make it any easier at all. Yes, my doctor told me not to start officially "trying" until I had been off of birth control for a couple of months. She didn't tell me why, and I foolishly assumed it was because she didn't want me to have unrealistic expectations. I now know that because I did not have all of the birth control out of my system, my body was not ready to support a baby to full term. The one "good" thing about this is that at least I have a specific explanation for my loss. Why aren't doctors more open and candid about the possibility of miscarriage. Just after the nurse practitioner had told me that she "thought I had probably miscarried", she "promised it wouldn't happen again." I know now not to believe her. I don't mean that to sound callous or cynical, and I realize that she was being optimistic and trying to make the horrible news sound less bad, but why perpetuate the innocent ignorance? I believe that women should be educated about the facts of pregnancy & miscarriage so that first, expectations will be more in line with reality and second, the subject will be less taboo. Anyway, I just needed to describe my experience and share some of my thoughts. Thank you to Heather, Alice, & Megan for sharing your pain and your comfort and thank you to everyone who has commented.
 
Heather Sellers
10 months ago
This topic hurts my heart. I have no personal experience with miscarriage but I have an aunt who does. My mother's older sister had an abortion when she was in her early 20s and every time she miscarries she says it is because she had the abortion. It is so painful for her and then it's even worse because she blames herself. To Heather, Alice and Megan: I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you have had to endure. A big hug to you all. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this with us.
 
IAmTasiaD
10 months ago
Oh, timing. This month marks the six year anniversary since my miscarriage. I always get a little more softhearted around this time of year. Well .. the question .. how do we deal? Honestly .. I'm not sure how I dealt with it.. There was a lot of crying, a lot of blaming - myself and others - a lot of trying to work through it all in my head .. I wanted so bad for it to make sense because then I could know what went wrong and have that closure that so many of us don't ever get when it comes to dealing with a miscarriage. I don't know that it will ever be something that I don't hurt over .. I truly felt like I lost a part of myself that day. When I think about it I remember that someone is missing in my life and I always try, again, to make sense of it. My heart aches for how many women have gone through this and how many I know will in the future.. I think it's definitely one of those things that many people feel uncomfortable talking about but I don't think they realize how much it really helps when we do. So, thank you ladies for bringing this topic up and everyone that's responding to it.
 
autodidactress
10 months ago
This is so appropriate because I just miscarried on Friday, had it confirmed on Saturday. I was 5 weeks and 4 days into a pregnancy that I didn't plan and wasn't sure I wanted. Friends don't know how to react because I'm 20 and their thinking is basically, "Well, it wasn't what you wanted anyway so, let's move on." Good to have seen this, makes me feel less awkward for feeling so sad about it...
 
ktbuffy
10 months ago
Thanks so much for this topic. Honestly, after watching these videos for a year or so, I finally joined Momversation officially about a month ago when I had my miscarriage. What Feastafterfamine said is exactly what I felt myself going through -- how is it that NO ONE told me one in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage? How come I didn't know that? I joined the site for a place to talk about something that I was "told" I shouldn't talk about. I mean, we're not supposed to say anything to the public until the end of the first trimester for fear that something will go wrong, but when it does, we're stuck without the usual support group. have since told two friends and my sister because I NEEDED someone to talk to. I needed this, so thank you. This was my first pregnancy, and we discovered the miscarriage at our first doctor's visit, so I was only about 8 weeks pregnant, but still, in that time, we dreamed an entire life for that baby.
 
LDuane
10 months ago
I don't understand why we're not supposed to tell anyone until the end of the first trimester. If I were to lose a child, I would want those around me to know what had happened and why I was upset. When I was probably around 12 weeks, my father told me he wasn't getting too attached yet in case something went wrong (my sister had miscarried at 6 weeks several months earlier, just before she was going to tell my parents). It bothered me so much---wouldn't he mourn for the grandchild he had lost, whether he was "attached" or not? My thoughts are with all of you. I'm pregnant with my first child, and can't imagine the pain of losing a child.
 
Alice
10 months ago
LDuane, I think the rule of thumb is to tell the people you'd also tell if you miscarried. That's the way I went about it. Some people like to keep their pregnancies a state secret until the end of the first trimester, but I couldn't do that. On the other hand you don't want the news getting around, and someone coming up to you a few months later and thinking you're still pregnant. That's awful for all kinds of reasons. One of my neighbors had heard through the grapevine that I was pregnant and congratulated me about five days after my miscarriage. Then I had to stumble through the news, to this stranger, about what happened, and THEN had to deal with her actually lecturing me about how I shouldn't be sad because it was for the best. Oy.
 

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