Dealing with a Miscarriage

Miscarriage is never fun, no matter how far along you are. It is a hard subject to deal with and even though I have been through a miscarriage I still don't know how to talk to others who have miscarriages. Everyone grieves differently so it is hard to ever know what to say.

My miscarriage was my first pregnancy. I had been on depo previously, only one shot but the effects lasted an entire year. My then fiance, now husband, were at the end of a 9 month engagement and decided why not start trying, it should take awhile right. Well we immediately found out we were pregnant and had our wedding the next month. We thought everything was going well. We went to our first doctor and confirmed the pregnancy. I was 12 weeks along when I miscarried. I went in for my 12 week check up, you know the one where you hear the heart beat. The doctor had troubles and figured that I was just wrong about the date and maybe wasn't that far along. So they scheduled me for an ultrasound to check how far along we really were. I had to wait a week to go in and when we went in the ultrasound tech confirmed what I had feared for the entire week. There was no heartbeat. :-( We went to the doctor and they gave me the option to let the miscarriage happen naturally, with no idea how long it would take, or go in and have a D & C. I chose the D & C not wanting to have a dead baby in me for god knows how long. I remember as I was going under I just started bawling. Thankfully the nurse was great and stroked my hair as I went to sleep. I went home and cried. My husband tried to console me but all I could think is that I am useless as a woman and will never be able to give my husband a child why would he want me? Then my hospital bill came and it said "Spontaneous ABORTION!!" That is not what I had, and just as I thought I was getting better this word sent me into a downward spiral. I called the insurance company and yelled. I didn't have an abortion, weather it be spontaneous or not. Then I cried again. I'm not sure there wasn't a day that I stopped crying until I got pregnant again. Which luckily for me was only 4 months later, and ended in a much better way. Even to this day, only being 5 years later, I think about what might have been.

Even though 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, when it is happening to you, you don't think that anyone else could have gone through it. And if they did how did they survive??

Wed, 2010-01-06 18:54

Hi, my name is Krystal(23yrs old). My Husband Alexander (22yrs old) and I have a beautiful daughter Alexis. She turned two in June and we thought to ourselves how nice it would be to have another one. On my daughters birthday i took 3 home pregnancy test all three were positive!!! We didnt tell anyone till we were past the first trimester with our daughter and thought to ourselves we might as well share the news now since our first pregnancy was a success. So we did we told everybody.... I went to our first appointment to meet the OB doctor in July, then had a pregnancy test there and then later blood work.. Everything came out fine and my ob doctor said since i had two mistrual periods in may that i should get an ultra sound done to determin the due date better. August 13th i went in with our two year old daughter to get the ultrasound done since my husband is in the military and couldnt get this day off. As we waited for them to call us back i kept telling Alexis you ready to see your sibling maybe we might be able to see if you will have a lil sister or brother on the way!! As i knew it might be too soon only being 11 weeks but shes very curious for her age. She would even point at my belly and say baby..baby in there.. So after the long wait we were called back and to the ultrasound room. I slid a chair up to the examing table so Alexis could be right beside me and see everything too. My ultrasound tech did the over the belly ultrasound and was complimenting me on how beautiful Alexis is. When she looked at me she said you need to schedule a follow up with your ob doctor. I said why is everything ok?? She at this point put her head down and I asked again and she grabbed my chart and i said to her i didnt hear a heartbeat can we do a vaginal ultrasound. She said i dont think thats necessary. I pleaded for her to so we proceeded and I got to see its arms and legs and head but still didnt hear a heartbeat.(For anyone whos not experienced doing a vaginal ultra sound it was the worst thing because u can make it out unlike over the belly). I looked at her and said my babies dead and started to cry which inturn my ultrasound tech started to cry too. Alexis looked at me said, Mommy ok?? With the most sadest look on her face and as i tried to get a breath i told her Mommy will be ok as i kissed her forehead the ultra sound tech pointed on the screen where the babys heart should be and said theres nothing there (just a black circle on the screen) and turned on the blood flow monitor pointed to where the blood was flowing thru me but not to the baby. I had several questions at which she could not answer any of them. I left that ob office and called my husband and told him. We were both thankful for the timing of this event due to his deployment august 24. I could not see myself dealing with this and our daughter without him. He was sent home from work to be with me. Later that night, I could not live knowing that the baby inside me was no longer living so i called my ob and said i want it out of me. Later that evening we went into the surgery room to remove our dead baby inside me. My ob answered several questions i had and the one that sticks with me the most is how common this is 1 in 4 women lose babies.That is awefull and hard to grasp. I dont know how anyone is suppose to handel this. I dont think you ever get over the lose what was hard for me more than anything was to see newborn babies and pregnant women afterwards. It gets easier day by day and to know it was nothing i did. Part of me wishes we hadnt told everyone but when he told everyone what had happend my phone was going off like crazy several missed calls, voice mails and text messages from family and friends and thats when you feel like being alone and not talking to anyone but at the same time feeling really loved and know you are and how many people care and it lasted for 3-5days afterwards of people wanting to know my condition not necessarily nosey either.... But thats what helps is to have a great support system and relating to people with the same experience. I would never wish a miscarriage on even my worse enemy. My apologies go out to all who have suffered a miscarriage. I also want to give thanks to those who made it possible to make an outlet for us to discuss our experiences with a miscarriage.

Tue, 2009-11-24 21:59

I have been asked by some ppl that because my miscarriage was so early 7-8 weeks why was I so upset, it was not like anything was there. The doctor said it was a blob, someone even laughed when I said this I found out she went through it too, and we both had to explain something to our older kids. Although, I didn't like that she laughed. I have had another baby since she is now 4 months old and have been asked why did you try again so soon and I say I wanted a baby and I was ready to try again.

Sometimes I still think about it just because I had made plans and told so many people... but yes I do have my children and should be happy and I am but that doesn't make it go away...you deal and you heal over time. It helps to talk and not everyone wants to talk or even listen. Gratefull for this site.

Moms are programmed to be empathetic, I think we don't always know what to say because we don't want to offend anyone and everyone deals with things their own way even if they laugh...
Being sensitive doesn't always pay off...

Mon, 2009-11-02 11:17

October of 2007, my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first child (my second pregnancy, my first was a miscarriage). Anyways, we were very excited and thrilled we were going to be parents. He knew I'd been wanting kids for a very long time. 17 weeks into my pregnancy, January of 2008, I began having contractions, my water broke at home, and by the time I got to the hospital my baby (boy) had no heartbeat, and the hospital had me deliver him. I had extreme PPD, but continued with the will of wanting to have kids. In March of 2009, I found out I was pregnant again. I went to the best doctors in Beverly Hills my insurance could buy. Almost 5 months into my pregnancy, at 18 weeks (July 09), I started having contractions again. I went to the hospital hoping to stay there enough time to save my baby, but instead I ended up delivering my baby girl, as well. She was alive for a few minutes before she took her last breath, holding her daddy’s finger. Needless to say, almost 4 months after this happened, I’m twice as sad. My doctor told me to wait 4 period cycles before I tried again. However, my husband and I now hesitate to want to have kids. We’re both 28, and after going through double the heartbreak, it’s hard to have a baby talk without having a meltdown (me). In the back of my mind, I definitely would love to have kids, but after everything we’ve been through, and my uterus/cervix having a mind of their own, my chances look slim to ever having kids. Everybody tells me to wait at least a year again to give my uterus a chance to heal. I have a hard time getting pregnant, believe it or not. So, until I stop having half-assed pregnancies, I guess my tears, anger, confusion, my husband, and my dog is all I have left. I feel very empty.

It has been really hard, especially after you start receiving baby presents, you start buying clothes, and you name your children (Vincent & Hailie). My kids, even though they are not here, will always be my kids. I gave birth to them, and although I may not see them physically, with every breath I take, I am reminded that God is raising them, and that maybe, just maybe, I will see them that one sweet day. It’s probably the only thing that keeps me going.

Where are my tissues? :’(

Thu, 2009-10-29 13:40

My goodness. I'm surprised no one else has mentioned this, but my pro-choice stance makes my feelings about miscarriage a little bit complicated.

Six years ago, I had an abortion at five weeks. Last year, I miscarried at six weeks. Certainly terminating my first pregnancy was an incredibly difficult decision, but it is not one I regret. Losing my planned child, my baby, was not a decision, or something I'm sure I can mourn. Why should one week make a difference between a fetus that I terminated and a baby who died?

Mon, 2009-10-26 23:51

I totally agree with the sentiments expressed by the other moms. I had three miscarriages before I had any children. What struck me most was the disregard of my feelings. People who said nothing were more bothersome than those who said idiotic things like "It was God's way." Many also believe that having a live baby will heal you. I have three children. I think of the three that I lost, now 17 years later. Most people think that I should be over that. What concerns me even more than how people treat miscarriage is the incidence of miscarriage. On my block, every single woman who lives within 20 yards of me has had at least one miscarriage. Something is very wrong.

Mon, 2009-10-26 05:40

It does blindside you, years later!

I thought it was all behind me, until Dr. Tiller's assassination last April. I'd been in fertility treatment in 1995 and had a chemical pregnancy followed by a miscarriage at 13 weeks -- another instance of "beating the odds" after seeing a heartbeat and thinking you were out of the woods. I, too, went in to just check on some spotting without bothering my husband.

So, four years after I'd endured that ominous silence in the ultrasound room, it was all I could think about when the Dr. Tiller story broke. I could think of nothing except how much worse that moment must have felt to the women that were far enough along to need Dr. Tiller's services instead of the quick D&C I was able to arrange the next day. Of course terminating a pregnancy for disability is not the same as needing to resolve a miscarriage -- it must be exponentially worse.

I have mixed feelings about the tendency toward silence. Not being a mom, I signed up for this site just to comment on this particular post and I hesitated about what username to choose. I never told my family (with whom I am not close) about the pregnancy or the miscarriage and most of the people I work with don't know either. Not because it's anything to be ashamed of but because I wasn't telling people anything, from trying to conceive onwards. In the workplace, secrecy has obvious benefits. It felt strange (to me) to announce a miscarriage (other than to my then-manager relating to time off) when nobody knew I'd been pregnant in the first place. And among friends who did know, I tended to change the subject after accepting their sympathies, because it was painful to think about for awhile and I like to lick my wounds in private. After that, though, a strange dynamic kicks in. Once it's no longer painful to discuss, it is indeed a verboten topic. It feels like you need a special reason to mention it because the window has passed.

I think there's something else behind the silence -- miscarriage is trumped by the excitement of pregnant women. It's not as if women who've miscarried are going to taunt pregnant women with how late they found out. And it isn't as if there's an official rule of politeness that you pretend forever that it never happened. It's more as if the presence of pregnant women in society, whose parades must not be rained upon, requires sweeping miscarriage under the rug.

This may be self-imposed but I certainly was loathe to have anyone in the office know I had just miscarried, for fear that THEY might scrutinize my relationship to the pregnant woman in the next cubicle, not to mention my reluctance for her to feel uncomfortable around me.

Thu, 2009-10-22 08:39

With all of the changes in society you would think that the topic of miscarriage would not be so taboo. Cancer and diabetes are open to conversation and no one really thinks twice about it. I think it's like the subject of a yeast infection, no one really wants to talk about it because it's just really uncomfortable for both parties. That being said, I've had 10 myself. I can remember each and every one of them with great detail and it makes me feel horrible. Not to push my personal views on anyone but I have decided in my own little head that it was God's plan, it's how I deal with it. I was not with the right person and with all of my other stress induced medical problems things would not have turned out well, I needed to get my life together. My ex-husband tried to blame me every time and his last parting shot to me was that he was seriously considering having kids but if I was going to act like such a bitch then forget it (stab-twist). I shot back with I hope he got gangrene and his penis fell off. He cheated, he deserved it but that's a whole other conversation. Today I have a little girl that will turn 1 in 9 days and she is my little miracle baby. She keeps me going and I can not express how much I love her. The funny part about finding out I was pregnant; I had a month or two before gone to a fertility doctor to find out what was "wrong" with me. The office called me for a follow up to start the testing and I told them it wasn't necessary because I was pregnant. Although difficult and stressful with lots of complications (bed rest sucks) I somehow got through my pregnancy and have my beautiful little baby. I can honestly say I am terrified of ever getting pregnant again because I will immediately think something is going to go wrong. Every little new thing that happened during my pregnancy freaked me out because I was terrified. Everyone says pregnancy should be a wonderful time in a woman's life but it was not for me and I regret that. I should have been ecstatic but I wasn't. I can relate to how everyone feels and I have a physical ache because I know the horrible pain and guilt you have gone through. Time helps but a miscarriage is something that you never get over.

Wed, 2009-10-21 12:38

Having dealt with my 5th miscarriage in a row last month, this topic is close to my heart. My first loss was a second trimester one, a little boy, and it shattered my world. The four since have all been from 5-9 weeks but were hard to deal with none the less. Thanks for getting people talking about this.

Tue, 2009-10-20 07:59

On Friday the 13 of February this year my husband and I went in for an ultrasound and the technician found that our baby had fluid in it’s body and she said it was very likely that it would not live throughout the end of our pregnancy. It was too early for her to tell what exactly was going on, but she just kept saying it was very bad. I was 12 weeks into the pregnancy, thinking that I made it through the first trimester and I was “safe“. After talking to our doctor and thinking it over, we decided to terminate the pregnancy, we told those who knew that we had a miscarriage.

I am so sad and feel so alone. I haven’t sought out support groups online, but read dooce.com regularly and when I saw this momversation I couldn’t wait to watch and read all these other stories. I am so sorry to everyone who has gone through this. I knew how common it was for pregnancies to end in miscarriages, but you still don’t really think it’s going to happen to you and then it turns out to be so devastating. I know a few other women who have gone through this, but they have other children and have reached the other side where they can say to me that this pain is worth it to try again. Getting pregnant again helped them get over it. I just feel so lost and confused, I don’t feel ready to try again.

A co-worker announced her pregnancy shortly after our loss and so many of my friends have had babies recently and my email box is filled with baby photos. I feel like I can’t talk to them about what I’m feeling. I know they care about me, but they just ask when I’ll start trying again and I just feel like I can't share my true feelings of sadness with them. Especially now that it's been so long, everyone expects me to get over it and move on.

I am anxious about Christmas as we found out we were pregnant after a year of trying right before Christmas last year. We were so excited and all though the holidays I kept thinking about how we would have our baby with us for the next Christmas. It felt so magical, like a dream come true. Now the pregnancy is almost like a dream. I only knew I was pregnant for a short time, but it’s amazing how much you get excited for and how painful it is after the loss.

Mon, 2009-10-19 21:12

My experience is a bit different I suppose.

In 1997, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Rhys was 8lbs 6oz and fully 22 inches long. And he died, four days after his birth. We didn't know that his heart was so severely malformed that the doctors were astounded he lived so long and showed no cardiac symptoms. None. I had to bury my son. And somehow I had to keep living. Without him. And I did. My family was useless, and my husband and I grieved very differently, but that was okay. We could deal with that.

In September of 1998 I got pregnant again. Date of conception was right around our anniversary. And the due date was MY birthday. And I lost the pregnancy. It stopped developing at around five weeks, and only the placenta was keeping me pregnant. Blighted ovum. At right around eight weeks is when we had the ultrasound and the bloodwork and the confirmation. My poor husband wanted me to wait...and see. I wanted it gone. I didn't want to feel pregnant anymore when nothing would come of it. There was no hope; as usual when the doctor said "That's what it looks like to me," in response to my, "Is it a blighted ovum?" instead of hearing, "Yes in my medical, obstetrical opinion, with the ultrasounds and the bloodwork, this is what it is." he heard, "Well maybe it is, and maybe it isn't."

I had a therapeutic abortion, because I did not want to wait for nature to take its course...my body does not like to let go of pregnancies.

I was SO relieved. I was SO relieved that it didn't hurt like losing Rhys did. I was sad, disappointed, but relieved as well. I basically ignored the grief of losing the pregnancy, the possibility for a good few months, and then it kicked my ass. I don't recommend this course for anyone.

But I don't grieve for my miscarriage. And there is a reason for that, and as I said...my experience is a bit different, and not just because I lost a full term, post-natal baby. My miscarried pregnancy was due on my birthday, May 31st. And THAT is when I got pregnant with my daughter...May 31, 1999. And I know the date because after Rhys died I experienced the added grief of secondary infertility. I was SO fertile with Rhys that I got pregnant TWO days after stopping the pill. TWO DAYS. After he died my body turned against me.

So both the miscarriage and my daughter's pregnancies were well planned. I didn't do invitro, or AI, but I did take clomid, knew when I ovulated and when we did the deed.

I found, that for me, my daughter came to me twice. The first time, she couldn't come because the body she should have had was broken. So she waited and the second time she came home.

I've counseled alot of mothers and fathers who have gone through the horror of miscarriage. And when they hear my story, they IMMEDIATELY downplay their own pain. And I just don't accept that. Miscarriage is a loss. It is a horrible, arbitrary, unfair, devastating loss. Just because I see my own experience one way doesn't mean it's the right way for anyone else. And not acknowledging your own grief, as I did not really does a number on you.

When Rhys died, I didn't just lose my son, my first born child, I lost the future. I lost the possibilities of his life. I lost his first smile, his first steps, his first tooth, his first word. I lost my life as it would have been, had my son lived.

Miscarriage is that same loss. You lose the rest of your pregnancy. The kicks, the rolls, the happiness, the impatience of wanting the little freeloader out and into the world so you can hold him or her. You lose all the possibilities of their lives, of your lives as a family. And it is made worse, because of people's attitude.

Death is taboo in our society. No one wants to know how you feel, if it is going to make them uncomfortable. And it is easier to ignore the existence of someone who was never "born." (Believe me, I get enough of denial from people that Rhys ever existed, and he was full term and lived for four days. People do NOT want to hear about your grief.) It's easier to say, "Oh, it's better this way," or "Something was probably wrong with it," or my personal favorite, "It was Gods will...and besides, this means you can try again!" Well, I'm not Christian, and children are not replaceable. They are not toys or tables or knickknacks.

This is what I tell newly bereaved parents. And I also tell them something a wise woman once told me. "The journey to healing begins with the thousandth telling. Talk." And for those who want to know what they can do to help their friends who have lost children through miscarriage or other tragedies, I tell them this: Listen. Acknowledge their loss. Do not flinch from their anger, their grief, their sadness. Do not try to fix it. They don't want to hear that it was meant to be, they don't want another child, they want the child they lost. Listen. It is the hardest thing in the world to do, because we want to fix everything all better so they won't hurt. But the only way to do that is to Listen. Let them talk. Encourage them, but don't pressure them. If they named their baby, use the name unflinchingly. Don't be afraid you will make us sad, we're already sad, and your honest understanding, your willingness to listen, to mention our lostling, will help more than you can imagine. You are validating and acknowledging their existence in our lives, our family and our world.

Mon, 2009-10-19 15:11

I wanted to support the panelist who spoke in the vid and also to all the people who have made comments about their experience. It can painful to talk about because it dredges it up again.

When I went through mine ( 15 weeks) I, like Alice also found the internet a source of support. I wasn't blogging yet, but going to various sites where women had talked about it was helpful. I rolled out the news slowly to people I knew. I also got some gnarly medical inattention/advice (thanks Kaiser) and I didn't have a D and C so I hemorrhaged quite badly, went into labor, landed in the ER and had to have a blood transfusion. The emotional and physical experience made me tweaked for a while.

Look like Megan was getting at one ouch of a miscarriage which is things people say. I did a vlog about What Not To Say http://coolmom.com/2008/07/09/miscarriage/ cause there were some doozies. But, it made me more sensitive to other people who go through a loss of any kind. Miscarriage seems to fall in a gray zone of mourning which is partly what makes it tricky for all involved to know how to address it.

Mon, 2009-10-19 14:09