Did You Take Your Husband's Name?

Follow-up question: If you didn't change your name, whose name did the kids get?

Sun, 2009-10-11 21:13

I really wanted to change my name. I was kind of mad at my mother for giving me my dad's last name when I was born, and then my parents split up when I was 2 years old and I lived with my mother, so right from the start it felt like my name didn't fit. Then she got married and I non-legally assumed my step father's last name, which was confusing because at school I was being called by one name and on anything official it had to be my actual last name. I always figured the sooner I can change my name, the better.
Now I just wish I wasn't stuck with something as difficult for people to spell correctly as vandenbosch.

Sun, 2009-10-11 22:48

I never considered changing my last name. Not even for a nanosecond.
I offered my husband my name. He declined.
I've always thought of my name - my last name in particular - as part of my identity. I was Dana X for 29 years. I couldn't suddenly become Dana Y.
My last name tells the story of my family. My crazy, loyal, loving family. Abandoning it would feel like abandoning me. Abandoning them. I would feel adrift. Like Rebecca in the video... "Who am I?"
The only real discussion about names came when we started having children. I thought the great compromise would be to use my last name as the children's middle name. We'd give it to any and all children we had and they would take my husband's last name.
We did that for our first. Then our twins. But it always felt strange to me. It unnerved me at the doctor's office to write their name on the sign-in sheet. His name. Not mine.
[It should be noted: he has a complicated relationship with his family who often can be difficult and unkind. So, the name evokes hard feelings, for sure.]
I grew so unsettled with our decision that I actually asked if we could change it. And, after much discussion, we settled on a hyphenated last name that marries both families. We had the names legally changed.
I NEVER EVER thought I'd choose a hyphen for my children. I once saw poet Gwendolyn Brooks speak and she rejected the term "African-American" in favor of "Black." "I am not a hyphen," she said by way of explanation. That always stuck with me.
And yet. And yet...
Funny how real life changes many of the ideas you had when you were younger.

Mon, 2009-10-12 04:06

Did I take on my husband's name when we married? No way. Why on Earth would I change my identity after 25 years on this planet? I don't use his name at all personally or professionally. Now, that I'm 41 I look back at my young self with pride for making such a ballsy decision.

Our 3-year-old daughter also has both of our last names. My husband and I agreed it was the right thing to do for our family.

Feminism is all about doing what's right for you. And we all need to remember that what's right for yourself isn't always right for other people. So, if someone is bitchin' that you changed your name or you didn't... that's their problem!

Tracy

Mon, 2009-10-12 05:16

My maiden name is a super long, hard to pronounce Swedish surname. So when I met my first husband who has a super long, hard to pronounce German surname, it was a no-brainer. Hyphenating was not an option because it was just ridiculously long so I became Kristin German surname.

When I went through my divorce I had the option of changing my name back to my maiden name, but I didn't because I wanted to have the same last name as my daughter and it was a lot of paperwork etc. It was just easier to keep it.

Then I got remarried to a man with a simple, short German surname that is actually a shortened version of my first husband's super long, hard to pronounce German surname--Steiner.

That too, was a no-brainer...ahhh love. I am now Kristin Steiner and it feels quite natural. It is a tad confusing with my daughter, not because our names are different, because they are so similar, but different.

I still use my first married name for certain clients in my profession, as it's just easier and my husband is quite well known in our industry, so we like to keep it separate when we can. And my daughter's friends call me Mrs. super long, hard to pronounce German surname and I don't bother to correct them. They are too young to understand the complexity of the situation and it's close enough.

@BeingSuper

Mon, 2009-10-12 05:55

Yes, I took my husband's last name, but it was a last-minute decision after I decided that I didn't want our children having different last names than either of us.

I hear all you ladies who say, "Why would I change who I am?" It was a difficult decision that I didn't take lightly. But I ended up doing what was right for me and my (eventual) kids.

Side note: I despise when I get mail addressed to "Mrs. My husband's first and last name"--THAT is something that is so old-fashioned that it offends me! I may have taken his name, but I'm not his property!

Mon, 2009-10-12 06:28

I'm a feminist professionally and personally, and no I DON'T think feminism is just about having the choice to do whatever you want. Feminism is also a historical and social awareness; a consciousness of the history of women in society and of the ways in which we're gendered. That produces choices, and political efforts to gain access to those choices. Just remindin' ya--people had to work for your right to not be your husband or your father's property; to legally hold property in your own name; to not have your status in society determined by whether or not you're married.

I figure, as long as you can say with a straight face that you know that the tradition of taking your husband's name came out of the legal norm of being his property, then go ahead and change it. Just as long as everyone who does it has actually put some thought into it. That's all I'm asking for.

Personally, I think too much of women's identities are tied up in marriage--that's why we have an insane wedding industry. That's why I wouldn't change my name. As for kids' names, I think it's arbitrary, and I'd probably go with my husband's name for all of them because I'd be more comfortable with that (didn't say that a consciousness means you have always to go against what's comfortable--we can't escape gender). Also personally, I'll be frank--I get annoyed when women change their names, because then I have to imagine them as two people. Katie Smith who I went to kindergarten with; Katie Jones who I run into now on facebook. Annoying.

Mon, 2009-10-12 07:38

I took my husband's last name.

Prior to getting married, we had a daughter, and she had Steve's last name. It was a natural choice because we knew that one day we would be married, and changing a child's name is a nightmare.

Way before I knew Steve, I knew I would change my last name. My maiden name was always misspelled or mispronounced, and my Dad and I (until recently) didn't have a great relationship, so I had no real ties to it.

I will say that actually changing your name is a pain in the rear! We got married in May, and I am still stuck between names. My social security card has been changed, and maybe one or two bills. Other than that I've not had the time to go change my license, insurance and so on. It's just so stressful!

Mon, 2009-10-12 08:10

I really struggled with this for a while - I loved my name, Julie Sutton. Being in Musical Theater in NYC - and then having a great career in magazine publishing...I wanted to keep it. I mean - it took me almost 30 years to figure out and be comfortable with this Julie Sutton person...
BUT - my husband's face when I mentioned keeping my name, did not match his words. Tenderly, he said, "Sure, honey. Do whatever you want." I love him so and to make him even for a moment think that I was rejecting a part of him that he was so proud of (and so eager to share with me)...well, it just got me.
So I hyphenated. And, sure...it's a pain sometimes. But, I also like the fact that I didn't lose my name - I just connected myself to him. Win/Win.

Mon, 2009-10-12 08:42

I changed my name. I always knew I would, and that has never bothered me. My maiden name is so commonplace anyway....Johnson....that I never considered it part of 'who I was,' as there are a million other Johnson's out there. In fact, there are LOTS of Katie Johnsons! I'm sure you all know one!

A name is a name....that's all. It doesn't make me who I am, really. I've never identified with it in that way. Probably because I'm called by my nickname, Katie, and have from day 1, although that's not my given name. Plus there are a whole slew of other 'names' I've been called, some good and some bad, so I don't see my identity as wrapped up in my last name, either.

BUT, it doesn't make me any LESS of a feminist. ;)

Mon, 2009-10-12 08:56

I did not change my name when I got married. It's not because I'm a feminist, more because I'm a narcissist. I love my name. It's part of me and I had no desire to change it. I'm a doctor and it was important for me to be Dr. My-last-name and not Dr. My-husbands-last-name. I don't use his name at all - not professionally or personally. At first he was mad that I didn't take his name. He said taking his last name would be a sign of unity, of love, of family. So I told him if that was the case, he could take my name....of course he didn't but he got the point and never complained about me keeping my last name again.

Mon, 2009-10-12 10:04

My partner and I have been together for four years, but we're not married, for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest ones is that my mom is gay, and has been with her partner for years and years but they still aren't allowed to marry. It's a choice that Chad and I discussed, and he supports the statement that I'm choosing to make. Even if we were, though, I wouldn't take his last name. My father passed away when I was young, and being a Chong, being his daughter, has always been a huge part of my identity and a way I continue to honor him.

As for our daughter, I was living in Hawaii and my partner was in Oregon when she was born. He came to visit, but left two days later and we weren't together as a family for four months. Logistically, taking her to doctor's appointments, registering everything and being her sole caretaker for months was just easier when we had the same last name, so she has mine. And her dad's relationship with his father and that last name is strained, so it's just warm and fuzzy all around here this way.

Mon, 2009-10-12 10:36

I've been waiting for this topic to come up. I do not plan on taking my fiance's name, and hoo boy, has it caused some major drama. Both with my grandmother ("But you HAVE to take his name!" uh, no, I don't), and with his parents - his mom was absolutely crushed. But she's also incredibly old-fashioned, and to her, not taking her son's name isn't a choice I'm allowed to make, rather, it's just straight-up a slap in the face and an indication that I a) don't love him, b) don't respect him, and c) am not committed to him (and by extension, will probably divorce him). So to be perfectly honest, I didn't feel too bad about disappointing her. I know it's just a function of seriously old-fashioned and outdated thinking. Of course, my fiance has indicated in no uncertain terms that he prefer I KEEP my maiden name, which is good, because I feel the same way! When we have kids - well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but I'm probably willing to let them have their father's name. We'll see.

The thing that really shocked me though was the reaction of someone my own age. It was a representative for a tailor, I think he was around my age (mid-to-late twenties), maybe even younger. Last time I saw him he said, "wow, I guess next time I see you you won't be Ms. Y anymore!" I corrected him, saying, actually I will. He didn't get the hint. "Oh, so you'll be Ms. Y-X? You're still taking your husband's name, right?" I told him no, I'll still be "just Ms. Y." He looked really confused and said incredulously, "Really?!" I expect that to be the reaction of my grandparents, but a kid in his twenties? What rock did he crawl out from under? Even if it's his preference that his wife assume his name, how could he have lived this long without realizing that some people don't take their husbands' names, period?

I think it's every woman's choice to do what she wants with her name. The only thing that really makes me roll my eyes are the women who can't stop gushing "I can't WAIT to be Mrs. Robert Smith!!" Makes me want to vomit.

Mon, 2009-10-12 11:08

I too have been waiting for this topic to come up (thanks Rebecca!).

When I got married, I didn't change my last name. I love my name just the way it is and really felt like changing my name would mean screwing with my sense of self-worth and identity. Plus no one would expect my husband to change his name, so why should I be expected to? I also have zero interest in a tradition that harkens back to when women were considered property, like land or cattle. How is that romantic?

My family knows I didn't change my name, and yet I still get birthday cards addressed to Mrs Husband's First and Last Name. Ugh. It irks me and makes me feel like my decision is not being respected, but I just have to chalk it up to their old-school way of thinking.

We have a baby on the way, and she will have both my last name and my husband's.

Mon, 2009-10-12 11:43

Absolutely agree that whatever works for you is what's best for you, and I wouldn't judge either way. But I was raised by a bleeding heart liberal family so i think i shocked my mom and aunts by taking my husband's name. I figured why bow to expectations -- I wanted to express myself and my love for my husband, even if it means being a little subversive! ;)

Plus, I never really understood the feminist argument from a logical standpoint. Isn't your maiden name yet another man's name that you didn't choose for yourself?

Mon, 2009-10-12 11:52