Do Our Kids Get Too Many Trophies?

My ex-husband, who is our son's hockey coach, had a unique solution to the "everybody gets a trophy" phenomenon. At the end of last season, he handed out the participation trophies provided to him by the league, and then he singled out 3 kids and recognized them for special achievements. He gave a trophy out for most improved, a trophy out for top goal scorer, and a trophy out for best goal keeper. These weren't just any trophies - these were trophies that he had made himself by gluing two hockey pucks together, one as the base and one as the medallion or statue part. He then used a gel marker and inscribed the trophy with the name of their team, the player's name, and the reason for the recognition.

Our son, although one of the strongest players on the team, did not earn one of these special trophies and he had to work through that legitimate disappointment. In the first two games this year, he has outscored his teammates by a mile. He has his eye on one of these homemade trophies and it's just the push he needs.

It was a great life lesson.

Norma Jean
www.novemberjuliet.com

Fri, 2009-10-09 04:17

To answer the question. Yes, kids get too many trophies.

As a teenager that did do better then average in school and with some extracurricular activities, it was very frustrating to get the same award as the kid who just showed up. I think that giving a trophy to everyone teaches the kids that do better then average that there is no point in trying to be the best. As well as I think it teaches the other kids that just showing up is good enough.

My sister is 15 years old and part of what I call the "self esteem generation." It doesn't matter how well she or her friends do at something, they all think very highly of themselves. While I think good self esteem is important I also think that this is breeding an entitlement problem.

Fri, 2009-10-09 07:00

1. Yes, I HATE the waste. I printed certificate or homemade award for the 3-5 crowd is plenty.

2. Unless your 5+ (approx) kid has some sort of profound reason for needing a participation trophy, then enough is enough. "Just showing up" isn't cause for a cookie. Unless you're showing up for a cookie give-away.

3. Having a competitive figure skater in my home has taught me just how much kids will rise to their own expectations even without being handed an award. When you practice 5 days a week for 2 hours a day, plus conditioning and ballet, plus keeping your grades up and not neglecting home chores and friendships, and then drive two hours to compete in a difficult sport against 16 other contenders and do your absolute best under pressure and with great joy just to participate in an activity that you love knowing that you did your absolute best and were able to put yourself to a personal test and work harder than you thought you could ever work, and you get off the ice and feel like a million dollars so much so that your first thought isn't "what was my score" then that is worth more than any medal or trophy. How do kids get there? I don't know. Maybe by not being handed medals and trophies when the merit is not there. That's when a kid has to decide "why am I doing this anyway?" and really, truly answer that question. Because the medals and wins are far and few between in this sport. Deep thoughts maybe? But I see 9, 8, 7 year olds get to this place every year at the rink. Kids are pretty amazing creatures when we support them and allow them feel disappointed and have practice "hitting bottom" in a safe way and then support them in finding the wherewithall to be champions in every definition of the word, not just in number of trophies.

4. Tackle the issue of "red shirting" next. Because that's another great disservice we do to our kids.

Fri, 2009-10-09 08:43

I think that if the kids are too young to understand that another player/participant was better than they were, the solution isn't giving EVERYONE a trophy, it's giving NO ONE trophies. Why not just have a party/celebration with other treats for completing the season? And then when they hit an age you start adding awards. The younger kids can even see the bigger kids get awards and know that someday they might also get an award.

Overly praising children gives them a false sense of accomplishment and leads to their having to have the epiphany that would normally happen around 6,7,8 years of age as teenagers...or even older if their parents continue to intervene on their behalf. Some life lessons are meant to happen at certain developmental stages.

PS - I'm not familiar with "red shirting" outside of what it means for the new unnamed character on the Star Trek series...

Fri, 2009-10-09 09:51

I think that they should earn a prize. Our kids should not get a prize for just participating. What about the kids that stand out more, or play better than the kid that just sat on the bench? That is like me getting a raise at work for just showing up. Not doing anything all day, but just being there.

Fri, 2009-10-09 11:02

My daughters are figure skaters. The eldest does have a lot of trophys, but she has had to earn every one by winning something. There have been many many competitions where she has left with nothing right from the earliest levels. Yes, when she was 6 she was very disappointed if she didn't win, but she learned right from the start that you congratulate the winner and leave with your head held high. She now competes at a level where she doesn't win many trophies, and when she is lucky enough to win one, she is over the moon, she knows it's a major accomplishment and she has every right to be proud of it.

Conversely, she also does dancing and has just moved to a dancing school who give out trophies when you pass an exam. She didn't give that trophy a second glance. Passing an exam is an expectation not a major accomplishment, and she really wasn't interested in the trophy she received for that at all.

Fri, 2009-10-09 23:01

I really don't agree with handing out trophies for participation or for recognition. I think we should eliminate awards altogether from more things. It seems to me that the whole participation trophy idea is a direct response to parents who get crazy competitive and push their kids to win on one side and the parents who want to protect their kids from disappointment on the other, which is sad because the awards, however they are distributed, seem to be more about the parents than the children.

Hand a trophy out for participation, and they realize that they are just being placated and condescended to pretty quickly. Hand out trophies to the "best" in every competition and send the message that people who win are just plain better, so the effort put in has been wasted if you haven't won or aren't going to fight to win next time. Either way, doing something for the passion of it is highly discouraged, whether the talents lean toward athletic or academic. It's either all about the grade or all about making everyone equal, and neither of those are particularly healthy attitudes.

Frankly, I find it really disturbing that children are developing, at a younger and younger age, a dependence on some sort of material reward for activities they should be pursuing for enjoyment or exploration.

I don't have anything against sports, but can't kids just play a sport because it's fun and practice because they want to be good at it and help their team? Doesn't playing a sport for the trophy defeat the whole purpose of what they should be learning? I don't see how they can ever learn to set goals for themselves based on their genuine interests and talents and pursue them if we apply a carrot or stick mentality to every. single. thing. they do. And they certainly won't learn that hard work can be its own reward.

Sorry for the soapbox, I just have a real beef with the constant reliance on external rewards and punishments as motivation. What about self-motivation, self-discipline, and self-reliance? At some point, we won't be there as guides, and they will have to find their own reasons for getting the job done. Hopefully material rewards won't be the only thing that drives them.

Sat, 2009-10-10 07:25

Mon, 2009-10-12 22:00

Yes, we give way too many trophy's out. They should only give out trophy's to the winner or just the winning team. If you lose or did not come in first then no trophy. The trophy means nothing when everyone gets one. Only the best of the best who worked hard should get the winning prize. Too bad if the kids cry - in the real world, not everyone is going to get a trophy.

Thu, 2009-10-29 13:28