July 08, 2009
Your family - you can't choose them. But it's important to have a good relationship with them. And that can sometimes be difficult with your in-laws. They didn't raise you; they might not even like you (gasp!), but you have to spend holidays, birthdays, and special events with them. So, how are you dealing with in-laws? Dana Loesch of Mamalogues brings the question up for discussion with guest Sarah of Ohana Mama.
How is your relationship with your in-laws? Do you have an adversarial relationship with your mother-in-law? Or is she like a second mother? How do they relate to your family? Join the Momversation by commenting.
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44 Comments
Lomwefgbnbv
Thu, 2010-03-04 11:13
Jusdbfedfwf
Wed, 2010-03-03 18:43
my inlaws- my husbands half brother and sister by the same mother act nice and smile while they always say rude comments and you can tell they have bad intentions in there eyes you can tell that they want to see you fail and hate it when your doing good they love to point all the things there better at and i dont know how to act around people like that so some times it makes me look weird but the problem really is that because im not a fake person i dont know how to act fake. i cant look some one in the eyes and talk to them normal when it does not feel right they always say i love you by... i cant say that back. they act distant in nature they are not warm and friendly and open understanding to us. how do i act my self. i dont know how to act fake only people like them can be so fake distant un warm bad intentions and then say love you buy bye there nice is so fake... i am not of there nature and if i have to spend holidays with them for the rest of my life i will be nothing but un happy!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fri, 2010-02-19 12:40
My mother in-law is batshit crazy.
Tue, 2009-12-29 18:22
I loved my in-laws, until we had our first kid. My MIL especially has turned into an overbearing, over involved, overstepping grandma. She's constantly trying to take my place, acting like my son's mom. She's already invited herself to Disney World with us when we go - which is years away. Something that we haven't even planned yet. She likes to point out when he runs to her instead of to me. And that's just from last weekend!
I do love her, she's on the of the kindest, most generous women I've ever known, but she really needs to learn when to back off.
Tue, 2009-12-01 17:47
but as for the question asked here.. Thank God I have pretty great relations with my in-laws.. theyre very understanding.. not too nosy and not too demanding :)
-faraz from cheap laptops
Tue, 2009-11-24 05:12
What?? "When your son gets married you lose him to the wife and their family but if your daughter gets married you gain a son"?
Didny you say that like the other way around?? Like in our culture and i think in almost all cultures when a son gets married his wife moves in with him.. so basically it is the wifes family that loses a daughter..
-faraz from blu ray ripper for mac
Tue, 2009-11-24 05:10
They didn't raise you; they might not even like you (gasp!), but you have to spend holidays, birthdays, and special events with them. Online University
Mon, 2009-11-02 00:18
i had the worst relationship with my mother-in-law. She didn't want to let go of her son for anyone. So I tried not to take it personally. (I was not very successful.) The terrible part about the tension is what it creates between the husband and wife. It's most stressful for the son-husband. When I was thinking clearly, I felt badly for him. But I never thought too clearly when I was at my in-laws house. I really wanted to drink, but they didn't have booze in the house. That made the visits even more dreadful. I thought things would improve after children. Nada. The way she talked about those kids, you would have thought that they were cloned of my husband. And it did not create the best situation for a relationship between grandma and grandchildren. It's so unnecessary. Why can't everyone just be friends.
Mon, 2009-10-26 06:50
I have had both experiences. With my ex-husband although my in-laws were nice and had good intentions....my ex mother-in-law was so difficult to deal with...overbearing, involved in every aspect of our lives, my husband thought she did no wrong and always made excuses for her bad behavior, she was always telling us what we were doing wrong with our son (what we dressed him in - everything...it was awful). My ex father-in-law was a sweetheart but was completely ruled by his overbearing wife and I found myself feeling sorry for him.
Now, I am remarried and have a great relationship with my in-laws. They are supportive in every way, we enjoy just hanging out with them and my husband has a healthy relationship with them and with me. He and I are very similar and when they seem a bit over the edge on a particular issue etc. he's not afraid to say it and agree to disagree with them. I don't ever feel like he takes their side over mine/ours. He sees their "weird-silliness" the same way I do and we just accept that, that is who they are and we cannot change it. They constantly complain about little things in life that really shouldn't matter so much. They never seem content with life. We try and coach them to be more positive and supportive and attempt to steer them in a better direction but we won't battle over it. Just give them our two cents and let them do what they will.
I appreciate the great relationship I have with my mother-in-law after having a bad one and after losing my mother...it's nice to have someone in that role I can talk to without feeling like I am being judged. And, I make it a priority to make her feel the same way.
Fri, 2009-10-23 08:40
My inlaws are OK. Well, they're fine. NO - they are CRAZY! LOL!
My husband's parents are divorced and remarried and hate each other. I mean, HATE. They won't even go to the same functions together and have been divorced for like 20 years.. They even got into a fight outside our wedding reception and the police were called. Yes, that was a nice memory to have. Luckily I wasn't told about it until the next day.
But, I really didn't mind too much until I had kids. They won't come to their birthday parties if the other will be there and wouldn't even visit the hospital at the same time. They hardly visit the kids and we've tried to be closer to them. They're too busy and selfish.
So, we moved. We moved 1 hour away from them and closer to my husband's job. If they weren't going to be involved in our life, why be inconvenienced of living so far from everything. And you know what..they've only visited 2 times each in the past 11 months.
I think the best thing we have ever done is to move away from the bad influence they would eventually have on my kids and their views of family.
Fri, 2009-09-04 20:58
like marriage itself, it takes work. and work. and more work.
and patience.
Wed, 2009-07-22 07:03
woah.. your comment is so right on.. I believe that as well.. relationships and especially relationships with your inlaws require a lot of work and patience... and sometimes tolerance :)
-faraz from blu ray ripper
Tue, 2010-01-19 13:00
People all over the world buy the pre written essay and custom essay writing from the writing service.
Mon, 2009-07-13 08:18
My in-laws and I started off great, but over time it's deteriorated. They've gone from living thousands of miles away to living just a few hours away, which has changed the dynamic. Plus, they both retired when they moved, which I think has made them a little crazy. They nag us to come visit, but ignore us once we're there. They express almost zero interest in my husband or me as people, instead using us as an audience for their thoughts and stories. It's not uncommon for us to be driving home from a long weekend visit and realize that they didn't ask us one question about what's going on in our lives.
Then again, if they do actually hear anything we say about our lives, they usually go on at great length about what we should do, or how what we did do was wrong. As a result we both just hunker down in "obedient child" mode for the duration of the visit. We can't be completely ourselves around them at all, which does make me sad.
Of course, my family is nuts, too, but at least they still live thousands of miles away.
Sat, 2009-07-11 18:21
OMG Meesha, I think we have the same in-laws! I get so frustrated starting all the conversations, keeping it going - trying not to ask questions that can be answered with a yes or no, and not punch myself the face at the same time. I remember going to their house years ago and sitting at the kitchen table while they both were in the back room, each on their own computer playing games, or doing something - clearly very important - that kept them busy while we were their - it was the strangest thing.
With us it has always been a trying experience going to see them (they live 20mins away) and we see them maybe every three months, if its someones birthday. I thought it would be better when we had kids, and i can count on my hands the number of times they have seen the girls. And when they do visit they stay exactly two hours (..okay not complaining about that part - but the labour of making dinner, cleaning the house, and dealing with toddlers is hardly worth the effort)
The weirdest part is that my husband had a really good childhood growing up - now they just seem to be completely oblivious to the world outside their bubble. I've been told that they just aren't 'baby' people - but give me break - these are your grandchildren. I would have shut the door on them years ago, but i don't think that is my role. Instead i resort to rolling my eyes everytime i pick up the phone to invite them to dinner...
Thu, 2009-07-23 16:45
We have a fantastic relationship with my parents. We enjoy their company, do things together all the time. They live close and enjoy being involved in our daughter's life. She knows and loves them. They want to spend time with her and we fully trust them to care for our child.
My MIL is a different story all together. She never really showed an interest in spending time with us, calling, etc until after our daughter was born and then only calls/visits every few months.
My husband and I have been together for over 10 years and while I recognize my MIL for who she is (consumed with her own life) I am ALWAYS frustrated by the ambivalence she has toward my family. She always acts like she's glad to hear from us or see us, but the novelty wears off quickly and she retreats into the guest room to play on her laptop or drifts off on phone calls. Under no circumstances do I trust her to care for my child - EVER. (The only time she did, for two hours when our baby was 10 months old, was it for me. When we left baby was sitting her her Bumbo enjoying a Baby Einstein DVD. I told my MIL that she could finish watching that one, then have a snack, then play time. We'd be back before nap. When we got home two hours later, my child WAS STILL SITTING IN HER BUMBO WATCHING TV. OMG. One look and my husband knew that was it.).
What's most frustrating to me is that my family is wonderful to my husband and child. Yes, they get on our nerves occasionally, but who's family doesn't? Frankly, they've been there for us for anything we've needed and are a very special part of our lives. My husband and child deserve better out of his mother. MUCH better and that's what upsets me the most. How can she not want to be more involved? How can she not show them how much she loves them? Don't they deserve that?? He fully recognizes it too, but makes a very valid point - would we want her to be move involved?? Probably not.
I could go on for days....
Fri, 2009-07-10 09:15
I get along well with in-laws and my husband gets along well with my folks as long as none of us live together. problem is our mothers don't love each other which wasn't so bad before we had kids we alternated holidays and there was little reason for them to be together.
Once we had our Daughter ( my mother in laws 1st grandchild) the problems began. they are competing grandmothers . who gets to see my daughter more? they are both passive aggressive. sometimes my mother-inlaw says rude things to my mom or pushes her aside with a smile on her face. my mother grits her teeth and takes every glance and action as intentional rudeness. some is intentional and some is personality conflict. no one actually confronts the other I just hear about it for weeks after we have a get together. My mother in law likes to come into a party grandly and sit our daughter on her lap the whole time. My mother like to criticize everyone and everything.
my daughters last birthday was so tense I cried and my mother refused to go to any other bdays with that woman. while my mother in law doesn't notice my mom is upset. Its all about her so she had a great time. Now we have separate B-days and we all deal when it comes to school Graduation and school events. I intentionally seat them on opposite sides so there is little contact.
I am not looking forward to when my daughter starts sports. I will have to have the gmas alternate games so I don't lose my mind. Sometimes I wish they would just scream at each other and get it over with so they could get it out of their system. but they just seethe and fester.
My father in law and my Father get along famously we can all celebrate Fathers day and hang out anytime. I remembered why I mostly hung out with guys growing up NO DRAMA
Thu, 2009-07-09 15:04
I feel really lucky that I love my husband's parents. They are just really nice people and happy to welcome someone new into the family. We get along well and I feel like I can be myself around them without worrying about what someone is going to think of me. His parents are great but his siblings? Definetly some tension there. There are 8 of them so everyone doesn't get along and it seems like there is constant bickering and taking sides. And me being an only child I don't really know how to deal with that so it can be pretty awkward. Luckily we live far away from everyone.
Like several other people have mentioned, the real problem is MY mom. We have a rocky relationship and she drives me CRAZY.
Thu, 2009-07-09 13:43
(Mindy) Thanks for posting about Alice's dog. I LOVE it! Made me completely forget what I wanted to comment about.
Wed, 2009-07-08 15:50
I adore my mother-in-law. My husband waited a relatively long time to get married compared to his older brothers and sisters. Seeing as how he was the youngest and the last one to "settle down," I was greeted into his family with open arms. She raised six kids, and for most of those years was a single parent. She didn't enjoy those years much, but she takes such joy in her adult children and their spouses, and especially her grandchildren. What I love the most about her is that I can tell the truth about my kids when they're driving me nuts or being absolute terrors. She commiserates and helps me to see the humor in all of it. She is 32 years older than my own mother, yet I can be more frank with her about everything because she's already heard it all and seen it all, and she doesn't judge.
My relationship with one of my sisters-in-law is more complex. Being married to the "baby" of the family made me the "baby" sister by extension. It took me a while to adjust to all the unsolicited advice and my toes were really stepped upon when my daughter was born because I began teaching when she was 6 months old, and her kids were entering college--you see where this is going, right? After a few difficult, tearful (for both of us) conversations, we came to understand each other better. I know with 110% certainty that she means well, and I do love her like a sister (I didn't have one growing up). But like any close family we rub each other the wrong way sometimes... usually at my daughters' birthday parties.
They love me and they are all spectacularly in love with my children, so who am I to complain? I only wish that my side of the family was as warm and open with my husband. It's not him, they just have a hard time relating to each other.
Wed, 2009-07-08 19:12
My relationship with my in-laws is really mixed. My father in-law is a sweet, but extremely quiet man. Though I have tried, we have never had a real conversation. It is so hard to know what he thinks about anything. However, he treats me well.
As for my mother-in-law, oy! I don't even know where to begin. Most people have the story of the mother-in-law-to-be being jealous and afraid that the bride-to-be will take her son away, etc. In my case my mother-in-law seemed completely great up until we got married. Then she got all nutty! I am not sure what the issue is, but she has become impossible and ridiculous.
We've only been married a year and the things she has done and said are way too numerous to say here, but here are two of my fav. moments (funny now, not at the time):
She came to visit us and as my husband was about to head to the shower she yelled out to him "Do you need me to change your diaper? Because that's what I used to do and I am your mother and I can do what ever I want!"
What the heck kind of a statement is that?
I am not sure what reaction she wanted from me, but mine was "You can change his 'diaper' all you like 'cause I sure as hell won't!"
Another time when the family was over I was cooking a special dinner because I love to cook, she proceeded to yell and I mean YELL!! the entire 3.5 hours it took me to make the meal: "What are you doing in there? Get out of the kitchen!! I HATE cooking!! If I hate cooking then I don't want you to cook! What the hell are you doing in there?" She repeated those same lines over and over again.
She will also never watch our children.....I decided that when I saw her pick up her other grandchild by the head...BY THE HEAD! She put one hand on each ear and lifted that child off the ground.
The most important piece of advice I have always heard and now I KNOW to be true, is that it is soooo important for the spouse of the outlaw in-law to be on the side of their husband or wife. I don't know what damage would have been done to our marriage had my husband not been able to see or fault his mother for being the nutbar that she is.
Also, despite all her crazy antics, I still try my best to do nice things for her and avoid blowing up at her. That effort has nothing to do with pride and everything to do with keeping the peace. It's not easy to do though and I am not sure I can promise to do that forever.
Wed, 2009-07-08 15:16
sorry double posted by mistake
Wed, 2009-07-08 14:01
I used to think that I had a good relationship with my in-laws. My father in law is nice to me and my kids, my mother in law is nice to me. And my sisters-in-law (4) and my brother's-in law (3) always treated me nicely. But the truth is our relationship is more of one that you would have with a neighbor. Not a too close neighbor or anything, someone that you are polite with, and say hi to, and invite to the occasional birthday party... But about a year ago a personal thing happened between my husband and me that brought up the true colors of my sister's in law (especially one of them) and I came to realize that they where not my friends and that they had been talking badly about me behind my back and I came to realize that they would stab me in the back if I gave them the chance. So now I keep my distance and say a polite Hello if necessary but there is absolutely no trust between any of us. It's sad, but what are we going to do?
Wed, 2009-07-08 14:00
I have a wonderful relationship with my in-laws. In fact, I sometimes think that I am closer to them these days than my own parents. They are always there for us, but I don't find them overbearing or anything like that. I am so lucky to have such a great family.
Wed, 2009-07-08 12:10
My mother-in-law is a lovely lovely woman and I would happily spend more time with her if it were possible (they actually live near Alice, I think!). My father-in-law, however, makes me want to stick knives in my ears. As I like to say, they are the most uncommunicative bunch of Italians I have ever heard of! They have health problems and don't tell my husband, but then are upset when he doesn't tell them about things going on here (and we're talking about completely out of scale, too - they don't want him to know that his brother is terribly depressed over eye surgery that went badly, but then they are upset when Husband doesn't tell them he had a sleep study done). Then he does things like we can all be sitting watching TV, my husband will get up and leave the room, and FIL will turn and ask *me* "where's he going?" Uh, maybe to pee? Get a snack? How am I supposed to know? This wedding ring didn't come with a psychic decoder too!
Wed, 2009-07-08 12:02
Before we were married my relationship with my mother-in-law was awful. She was threatened by me "taking" her son and treated me horribly. After we got married our relationship improved more and more every year. Now that we have our daughter (her first grandchild) I would actually say our relationship is pretty good. Sure she still does things to get on my nerves but what mother-in-law doesn't?
Wed, 2009-07-08 11:30
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Thu, 2009-12-31 17:40
Wed, 2009-07-08 11:23
My in-laws annoy the bejeezus out of me. They are very inconsistent, nosy, and judgmental. They also LOVE drama and do everything in their power to spark it. Luckily, my husband has little to do with them. I do try to nurture a warm relationship between them and my girls, but I don't personally go out of my way to spend time with them. I've learned that smiling and nodding is the best way to deal with all of them.
Wed, 2009-07-08 11:22