Do You Judge Young Mothers?

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April 20, 2009

You're in a toddler swim class when you meet a teenager splashing around with a 2-year-old girl. "Oh, are you taking your little sister to class today?" you ask. The teen looks at you and says, "Actually, this is my daughter."

Or maybe you're the young mom who's heard: "What about your career?" "Aren't you a little young?" or even "You should have been more responsible."

More and more mothers are putting off pregnancy until their 30s (or later), which can lead people to wonder why someone has had a baby earlier in life... whether it's their business or not. Rebecca Woolf of Girl's Gone Child asks, "Do you judge young mothers?"

What are some of the judgments you make about the age of a mom? Do you think the media portrays young moms in a negative or positive light? Join the Momversation by commenting on our video.

Momversation has been nominated for a Webby! Please VOTE!

Panelists

Dana Loesch - Mamalogues Giyen Kim - Bacon Is My Enemy Rebecca Woolf - Girl's Gone Child

Keywords

Family

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51 Comments

shylobisnett

There's a difference between being a married 21- or 23-year-old mom and a 14-year-old with no support system. The other day, I took my due-any-day, 30-year-old self down to the local park and spotted a heavily pregnant girl who couldn't have been older than 15 or 16. While I never would have said anything to her to make her feel bad/scared, would I have gone up to her to give her a high-five? No. Because getting pregnant and raising a child when you're a teen is not a great idea.

That said, I'm the first of my friends to have a child and I'm 30. 30!

Mon, 2009-04-20 08:17

ordinarygirl

I think the point of not judging is that you don't anything about her. I was 22 when I was pregnant with my daughter and people assumed I was in high school. They would ask me what school I went to and whether my mom supported my pregnancy. Was I giving the baby up for adoption?

Teaching teens to abstain or use protection is the way to prevent teen pregnancies. Nothing is taught by judging the poor girls after the fact.

Mon, 2009-05-04 17:05

Miss Tricky

Oh my gracious I love this topic. Like Rebecca, I was 23 when I had my son. Also like Rebecca it wouldn't have been hard for me to pass as a high schooler. I was married and it was a planned pregnancy but that did not stop my mother and my older sister ( who got pregnant immediately after me) from treating me like an embarrassment. I remember saying to my sister
"Hey! I am married and 23! It's not like I'm 15 and got knocked up by my boyfriend!" Her response? "well it's not far off, Emily." Really? wow. Even now at almost 28 with an almost 4 year old people look at me like they hope I manage to get my GED someday. True I tend to dress like an eccentric 12 year old and I am fond of pigtails, but why do other moms tend to pick on the young ones? Especially now that I am a single mom and my son is autistic and has melt downs I can just feel those looks. The ones that say
"See? that's what happens when babies have babies...no discipline at all!"

I'm with Dana...when my kid graduates HS and leaves the nest I will still be young enough to really enjoy that freedom!

Thanks Ladies!

Mon, 2009-04-20 09:02

tornadochaser

I judge mothers by their actions, not their age. Although I try not to judge really at all (yeah like that's possible but at least I keep it to myself a majority of the time) I've seen great teenage moms and awful ones the same as I have seen great 30+ year old moms and awful ones.

I had my oldest son at 17. I am now 22 with 3 boys. My husband and I will be 40 years old when our youngest is 18! I am already planning the cruise we will take that year. Haha!

We've have been lucky not to receive too much negative reactions. It's more of "I thought you were older." I have very few friends that aren't 8+ years older than me but luckily age has never been an issue with any of the mom groups I have been apart of.

When I was 18 and my son was 6 months, I did have a hair stylist ask if I knew who the father was. o.O "My husband." It was awkward.

Mon, 2009-04-20 09:23

bwankel

As has already been said, there's a huge difference between unmarried and 16, and married and 23. Or even not married, but financially ok and in a stable relationship. Young moms are rare in San Francisco, 99% of the time it is the nanny. But, when I do see a young mom, I make my best attempt to ascertain her situation. I would never assume she's the nanny and ask for her availability. IMHO that's terribly rude. Never assume. You know the saying.

And I don't judge young moms so much as just wonder if they're truly happy. My mom was 17 when she had me. And was not a good mother. She resented me and my brothers. She did an *ok* job at raising us to be good people, but I always felt that undercurrent of her wishing she could have done other things with her life. I was so sure to get any and all things done I wanted to before having my son. And I look back at how much I changed between age 18 and age 28, and I try to imagine having my son during those years. I would have missed out on a lot.

I'm not saying all young mothers are missing out on something. Having a child when you're young can be a choice. And it can be the right choice. It just would not have been for me.

Mon, 2009-04-20 10:05

soon2bemrsg

This was a very interesting topic and something I think about very often. I am not a mom yet, but my fiance and I plan on trying for our baby in about 2 yrs..in 2 yrs I will be 25. Most of the girls that I graduated with from my all girls catholic high school are either married with children or single with a child/children. There is no way I could see myself having my first child at 33..34, I'm not saying anything is wrong with that,but for me it just wouldn't work as I want to be young with my children like Dana said.

I wonder if the judgments from some of these mothers who are older are A.Thinking because they wouldn't/couldn't have a family younger something must be wrong with anyone who does. or B.Damn, does she really have her s*** together at a young age, because I know I didn't. Leading them to isolate the younger mother out of just plain bias, I really can't see any other reason.

I've spoken to several older women about my plans and they all tell me I'm nuts and to wait as long as possible, so what I can be 49 years old with a 13 year old? Menopause and puberty in the same house?No. Perhaps i'm neurotic but I've been thinking of these sorts of things, as I'm wondering how people will take to the fact that after college..I'm pretty much going to be at home, so I'm gearing up for the "what a waste of degree" speeches.

Mon, 2009-04-20 10:17

nicoleballet

That's also what I said when I was 23 and engaged. Two more years... Now I'm 26... yep, still two more years.

Mon, 2009-04-20 10:23

soon2bemrsg

Well I kinda have a medical reason, so it really is 2 more years for me, I can't put off having children. But hey..life's life.

Mon, 2009-04-20 10:33

paperfairies

I was 21 when I had my first boy and I used to get judgmental looks all the time. I had my second (and last) at 28 and both experiences were radically different. To be quite honest, even though I feel I've been an awesome mom to my eldest, I've been able to enjoy my baby more because both my life and my state of mind are clearer, stabler all around better. Because of that I always recommend waiting to have a baby. That being said, no logic or "common wisdom" justifies treating young moms badly or judgmentally, if anything support and kindness would be the way to go.

Mon, 2009-04-20 10:40

Clementine

When I was pregnant with my first son, I was 23 (and married). I remember one day I was at work (at a coffee shop) and an older guy came up to the register. He looked at me with disgust and said, "Didn't anybody ever tell you what caused that??" and glared at my belly. HA!
At first I couldn't figure out what he was even implying but then it occurred to me that he thought I was a teenager.
It always amazes me the things people think they can just come up and say to you.

Mon, 2009-04-20 10:46

Heza Hekele

Did you spit in his coffee? Might have been waranted...

Mon, 2009-04-20 13:16

Giyen

I concur with Heza. That is just awful.

Mon, 2009-04-20 21:21

GrandmaLori

What you do when someone makes this comment, is look them right in the eyes with a knowing smile and say "yes, I know what causes it and I LIKE IT!" There's usually not much they can say after that. :)

BTW, I was a teen mom and then an old mom. I have five kids total - now aged 30, 28, 12, 9 and 7. My grandkids are the same age as my younger 'set' of children ... I don't think there's ever a time where the self doubt of not doing/being good enough goes away -- which is probably 90 percent of the 'judgement' we feel. The other 10 percent are idots (see above).

Lori

Mon, 2009-04-20 14:25

Aceiatx

That is offensive no matter what age you are. Trust me. I had people tell me that at 36 when I was pregnant. They were trying to joke like I was old enough to know better. I got it as 'don't you know by now what causes that?' I also had people assume I was pregnant by accident because I was older and why would an older woman want to have a family so late?

Tue, 2009-04-21 11:40

maggiejo

The hardest part for me about being a young mom is when people expect me to make mistakes, and be more selfish because I haven't had the years between 20 and 30 to get all "my" things done. Yes, you do have to sacrifice some things when you chose to have children younger in life, but then you also have to sacrifice things when you chose to have your children later in life. It's all a matter of what works for you. I just get so frustrated when I get the reaction that I'm doing things "wrong" by being 25 and 3 weeks away from my due date with a second child.

Mon, 2009-04-20 10:49

carlyfalls

When I had my son I was 22 years old, and most often mistaken for a 16 year old. In a community filled with mothers in their 30s and even 40s I am often made to feel like a outsider. When I was pregnant I was the target of many a nasty look. I would get the question "aren't you too young to be having a baby" almost daily. The words on the tip of my tongue were always "So, what if I am? What do you say then? How is it any of your business anyways". Now that he is almost one, the comments have not stopped, they have multiplied. I've been asked with disgust more times than I can count "how old are you?"

It had made the experience of motherhood more lonely than I could have every imagined. I know that I don't need the community to support me in my choices. I will raise a well adjusted, charming, kind hearted young man, and I don't need anyone's help to do it. Its just unfortunate that young mothers are being judged for thier decision to have a child. I think everyone would be better off, the mothers and the children, if young mothers were embraced rather than scorned.

You'll never hear me utter the words, "Aren't you a little OLD to have a child"

Mon, 2009-04-20 11:20

bethany Coffey

Well, I gotta say, as one of the (i'm assuming) very few childless chicks who are members of Momversation, I for one envy you young moms! I always thought that I would, and very much wanted to have kids young. I thought around 22-23 was ideal. But alas, I did not get married until I was 25, and now here I am at 29 feeling nervous about the idea of being an OLDER mom. I can say that I certainly do not judge younger moms just based on the fact alone that they are "young" moms. What I DO judge however, probably too much, is careless and irresponsible behavior. Now I certainly participated in my fair share of said bad behavior as a younger lass, but I feel like when you bring a child into the world, it's time to chill out and stop the shenanigans, (lookin at you Britney Spears!) That to me, is what's offensive and judge worthy, if anything is, about being a young mom...but then again, I think we all know that bad behavior is not simply a faux pas committed only by younger moms. You ladies crack me up and I always look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Mon, 2009-04-20 11:50

mommytoall

I personally think after 20 is not too young but everyone should go into it with eyes wide open. Its a Hard job and a lot of sacrifice. My mother was a teen mom I was born day before her 15th bday. For me its not about Judging because we all make mistakes or do things at the wrong times. I would be more worried about teen moms than judging because when your a teen your selfish and usually unrealistic the things you want from even 16-23 are different than what you want or understand 25-30.

My mom says she don't regret having me just her timing at that age you can't be the best mom that you could be at 23 you end up growing up with your kids instead of watching them grow up.

Mon, 2009-04-20 12:27

Nicole Duclos

Though I'm not exactly a young mom (I had my daughter 19 months ago at the age of 33), I think Rebecca is dead on when she says that the first three months of motherhood are some of the loneliest in your life, whether you're a younger mother or not. Your entire life has shifted overnight, planned or unplanned, and that is a hard shift to navigate. Even at 33, I was the first of my close friends to have a baby, and lost many peripheral friends who decided long ago that they never wanted to have kids and just couldn't relate to this new little creature in my life.

That said, I reserve all judgment for all moms. You've got to do what works for you. I think we need to applaud and support each other whether we are young, old, single, married, whatever it might be.

Mon, 2009-04-20 12:28

Heza Hekele

I find this subject to be very interesting. I was a fairly young mother, by choice, having my son just shy of my 22nd birthday. I was five years into a relationship and therefore thought I was on solid footing to be raising my child with two parents. This is not the way the cards were dealt, however, and I have ended up raising my son on my own. The bigger surprise is that I have a fairly active part in the lives of my son's *surprise* younger siblings, who are also being raised by a single mother, who also, diid not anticipate being such! So, I have not experienced as much shock at being a *young* parent as I have for being a *single* parent. Better yet, is the reaction of people who see me out and about with the *siblings* from which only one is mine!

I am very open to having a second child, if I find myself in a suitable relationship, in the future. I anticipate that this would be a totally different experience, as I would be both an *older* parent & a *2nd time* parent and likely NOT a *single* parent...it would be quite interesting to have such varying experiences in motherhood, if things were to play out this way...

Mon, 2009-04-20 12:59

MollyCT

I don't want to burst anybody's bubble here, but just to step back for a moment: several of the Momversation episodes are about judging others, and I wonder if there isn't an element of us projecting our insecurities onto others when we feel judged. I *do* think it happens--everyone seems to think they have an opinion on childrearing, more than any other activity it seems--but I'd also like to acknowledge just the personal choices and the anxieties about them when we talk about feeling "judged." I feel judged by women who are my age and already have multiple children, since I don't have them yet, and a part of me wants to say two things at the same time: a) "I DO want to have kids, just when the time is right for me!" and b) "Why the hell is it so important to you when I have kids? Why don't you find all the other wonderful things I'm doing with my life important at all?" What this comes down to is feeling comfortable with both the decisions I've made and the life circumstances I've been handed. Oh how little we all want to acknowledge the role of randomness and chance in the most important events in our lives! I remember that all three of today's panelists didn't plan on getting pregnant the first time, and were kind of launched into motherhood without a whole lot of pre-planning--I wonder what that was like? Especially in a world where so many of us like to think we have our nice little five-year plans all mapped out? This seems to me a more interesting discussion than the elusive answer to whether or not nameless people "out there" are judging us.

Mon, 2009-04-20 13:18

Giyen

Much of the Momversation episode remains on the floor of the editing room. That said, I think I recall talking about how my insecurities played into feeling so disenfranchised. I spent a lot of time comparing myself to 30 something mothers and whether or not I measured up. In reality, I would have never measured up because I was at a different point in my life back then.

But to really answer your question, being a mother without a whole lot of pre-planning is nuts. There were lots of tears and lots of moments asking myself - “When? When will I get my life back? When will I be able to go out and not worry about having a hangover the next day? When will I be able to run off on weekend getaways and not worry about having a sitter?”

I missed out on a lot of those twenty-something coming of age benchmarks, but I wouldn't change it. Things are messy and complicated and perfect.

Mon, 2009-04-20 21:18

DollyDee

Very interesting discussions with lots of perspectives. I have to say that I agree with MollyCT in that this topic should be more about the randomness of circumstances and the uncontrollable element of life, partnerships and children. In fact, the train of the discussion made me - yip, one of those 'old mom's' with first baby at 38 - feel attacked for being an old Mom!

I have friends who had their first babies married at 21, friends who are in their late 30s and single and trying artificial insemination, friends who would dearly love to have a baby but the circumstances haven't been right yet, friends who had first babies in their late 20s early 30s after significant time with significant other, friends who were single teen Moms and single 30 something Moms - how boring if we were all the same!

I didn't decide when I was 20 to have my first baby at 38 and concentrate on my career as was so often assumed when I was 35 and childless (and spent so much time wishing I was in the right situation for a baby) - it just happened this way (and I'm thrilled). We are, to a certain extent, victims of our own momentum. I really enjoy the Momversation debates, but found that this ended up flipping around to be a judgment of older Moms (who also have many insecurities about motherhood etc) and how we will be so uncool when our kids our 16..

Tue, 2009-04-21 14:43

Antoinette14

I LOVED this video. I am a 30 year old mother of 3. I had my first child at the age of 21 and the other two by the age of 26. I knew that I didn't want to have children after the age of 30 and so I set off. This all stemmed from a friend I had in high school whose mother was childhood friends with my grandmother. From there on I knew that when my kids where in school, I would never be the "OLD" mom. I must say that I was never bothered by this until I moved out to New York and realized that I was much younger than the other moms around. Moms who I could find nothing in common with because we were at different points in our life. They were women who called a "Ladies night out" having a glass of wine at a nearby restaurant while I called a "Girls night out" having a couple of shots and dancing until I got blisters on my pinky toes from the hooker shoes I went out and bought specifically for the night. (Hey, I have to make the most out of my ONE night a year!) I was a little surprised that other mothers looked shocked when I would tell them that I had 3 kids. In fact, after a while I started to feel embarassed by the fact that I was a young mom and then I remembered how being a young mom was what I wanted and I GOT OVER IT! After all, why should I let the thoughts of others make me think twice about what I was doing with my life. I always thought that age didn't matter as long as you were taking care of your children and raising them to be great individuals. I still believe that! This experience has taught me not to be judgemental. I could easily label them as crazy for wanting to chase a 3 year old around while in their fourties, but I don't because that's their business, so please let me enjoy the choices that I have made for my family. Dana, I totally agree... I will be the hot young mom!!LOL! P.S. I just joined and I love you all already!! You ladies are awesome!

Mon, 2009-04-20 13:37

nicnicnic

i'm not quite sure where i fall in terms of this category/episode... i was days from turning 27 when my son was born. in my mind, i was young. i guess that is because the majority of MY friends are in their 30s when they have kids... the majority of MY HUSBAN'S friends though are military, and that puts us in a different bracket in terms of age and kids and all that junk. my friends are now just getting married at 28, and i have a 1 year old... my husband's friends have 2 kids and are expecting or planning the next.

so, i guess it's all relative. i like how rebecca mentioned being out in LA and a young mom, because i do feel like a good bit of the stigma that comes with being a "young mom" is based on where you are regionally.

i'm not in a rush to get pregnant again... though i have always embraced the idea of being a "young mom" because i feel like there is a vitality that i enjoy and appreciate as a mom in my 20s.

great topic!

Mon, 2009-04-20 18:04

brandiwithani

This is a really good topic. I was a teen mom. I got pregnant with my daughter at 17. I barely knew her dad, and I was still happy and excited to be a mom. I went to the doctor and they had me meet with a counselor. The woman was very somber as she schooled me about my "choices" and I know they're trained to be sensitive, but I was mildly offended, and it was a sign of things to come. I don't think I was in the perfect circumstances to have a child, but I don't think it was the tragedy that teen pregnancy is collectively made out to be either. I'm now 28, married, with 3 children and I have a good job that supports my family. I know it's not the case with all....nothing is, but most of the teen moms I know, have tried harder, perhaps because we have to fight against the stigma and condescension. I'm still the "young mom" when it comes to my oldest, at school, at her activities, etc....
It's getting a little easier, and my confidence is much higher after 10 years of this, but there still is a certain level of ostracization among the older moms.

Mon, 2009-04-20 19:57

brandiwithani

Ok I guess I finished before I was really finished. I have a couple more things to add.
I think there are some positives to having my daughter young. For one, I have worked hard to give her stability and all things NECESSARY, and she has seen all of my hard work, and respects me for that and does not take her life or home or other material things for granted.
I think it takes courage for pregnant teens to stand up and take responsibility for their children, rather than taking the "out" that's offered. And I think they should be better supported by society as a whole. I remember every day toward the end of my pregnancy, watching "A baby story" on TV, and every day it seemed to be the same woman......married, in her 30's, suburban home, luxury SUV, and all the right pieces, and I quickly became bitter that us women that were not in that position were being hidden away. I know the women on the show were not the only ones having babies, but they were they only babies being publicly celebrated.
As I've gotten older, most of that bitterness has been replaced by understanding. It's another symptom of the fear-based parenting that is so prevalent now, fear that our children are ill equipped to deal with the challenges of a difficult world. I think I'm lucky that I've learned what the important things in life are early, and get to enjoy them that much longer.

Mon, 2009-04-20 20:40

Giyen

Yes! I think that is why the Internet/Blogosphere is so great for moms that are out there. Moms of all shapes, sizes, ages, attitudes are being represented. I am an Asian single mother who got pregnant at 19. You aren't going to see that on a TLC show.

Mon, 2009-04-20 21:28

Rebecca

What Giyen said. The media depiction of the "modern mother" is so contrived it makes me want to burn my nursing bra. Ha!

Tue, 2009-04-21 10:49

yngmomngma

I most certainly think there's a stigma associated with young moms. If you'd asked me this question about 2 years ago I might've naively said no, however now that my kids are involved in more social activities I have definitely noticed the looks. I was a very young mom (16), I had absolutely no business having a child at that age, children shouldn't bring children into the world! However, I made the best of a bad situation. But when I think back to when I was pregnant, people would literally stare at me for what seemed like hours when I would be on the bus coming home from school, b/c at 16 I looked like I was about 11 or 12. My daughter is now 20 years old and has a 3 month old son of her own. And so now I am a young grandma, coupled with the fact that I still look about 25 people often think I am either lying or just downright insane when I say "no, that's not my nephew that's my grandson and that's my daughter". We both are then stared at like two crazed lunatics, b/c my daughter looks like she's about 14 or 15. Whenever she goes to pick up my other kids from school they often mistake her for one of the 7th graders.
There's most certainly a difference between being an unwed teenage or 20 year old mother and a married with a career 21 year old mother. Either way mistakes can and will be made, there's no such thing as a "perfect mom". I know kids who do not have the brains or common sense my daughter has and they were born into a family where the parents were married and doing things the "right way". That's not to say I agree with teenage parenting or young adults having children when they aren't ready for it. Raising kids is a tough job and unless you are ready to give up your wants for those of that baby you better think it over!
The truth is, we (mothers) are our own worst enemies, if we would simply stop judging each other for everything we do or don't do and stop trying to live that life made for TV we would all be just fine. Teach your children to treat others the way they would want to be treated, be fair to others and share your wealth, respect your elders and give back to some cause, if we all followed the same rules we teach our children the world would be a much better place to live.
I think someone said this already, don't judge a person until you've walked a mile in her shoes, you don't know her story!

I am done...Tata for now!

Mon, 2009-04-20 23:37