Do You Swear In Front of Your Kids?

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January 20, 2009

You're blissfully driving along when it happens. Another driver cuts you off; you slam on the breaks, and out come the curses... of course, the kids are in the back seat, listening to the torrent of swear words. Whoops. But is it really that big of a deal? Mindy Roberts of The Mommy Blog wants to know, "Do you curse in front of your kids? And do your kids swear?"

What do you think? Join the Momversation, and take our poll!

Or you can comment in one of the related forums:

Panelists

Alice Bradley - Finslippy Mindy Roberts - The Mommy Blog Rebecca Woolf - Girl's Gone Child

Keywords

Parenting

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39 Comments

kittyparker

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Fri, 2009-04-24 12:08

MsBwell

You gals crack me the *bleep* up! My parents didn’t swear in front of me growing up and my friends rarely did either. So it wasn’t really present in my vocab. Then I married a military man. *omg* When he is yelling at his military kids, every other word needs a bleeping. I do use that kind of language now, more than I want to. But we don’t swear in front of our girls, I don’t want them to pick it up from us. Like Rebecca we were driving one day and another car cuts my husband off and he yells a few choice words and “damn it” was in there. Our sweet little, not even two years old, daughter repeats it back clear as day. For the next year everything was “damn it” with her, if she dropped a cookie, when I would turn off the tv or she would just dance and sing it. That cured him. He needs reprogrammed when he comes back from a deployment, but for the most part our house is curse free. The girls are now 12 and 9 and my oldest does curse in her emails with friends. She has yet to use it in front of us.

Wed, 2009-01-21 04:12

erqsome

I love this topic. I remember the first time I said fuck -- I was 12 and with my best friend who very shortly thereafter decided she didn't want to be friends with a pottymouth, but by then it was too late.

She was such a goodie-goodie.

In any case, my dad instilled in me the opinion that if you have the right (or wrong) intention behind what you say, anything can be a swear word. If you call someone a moudly cucumber with *that* tone of voice, you may as well be calling them a shit-ho motherfucker and have done with it. He despaired of people who used the word 'shoot' or 'sugar', because the way those words were being used was just as destructive as any expletive.

I think all three of you make good points: swearing around is different than swearing at; knowing the linguistic context in which is use them is just as important as knowing the social context in which to use them; and, most importantly, swearing is fun.

Anyone who doubts that should look up the poetry of the Earl of Rochester (some may know him better as The Libertine, staring Jonny Depp? Someone with lovely cheeckbones). For Rochester and his fellows, swearing was simply a creative use of language, the saucier the better, the more crass the better, the bolder the statement the better -- it was all about commandeering the language and making it perform. He was the one who famously declared that King Charles 'fucks too much' and used that as his argument against the lackadaisical way Charles was running the country (but was so drunk when revelling in his cleverness that he didn't realise he was reading the poem to the king himself and was thrown promptly into jail -- which probably proves drunkenness will get you into more trouble than swearing).

Wed, 2009-01-21 06:04

Cynthia

erqsome, i totally agree. sometimes swearing is the most fun i have in a day! i also enjoy tacky puns, the less classy the better.

Wed, 2009-01-21 17:20

The Moxie Report

I've been in love with words since I was a little kid. All words even the four letter kind. The goody goodies who think people who swear have a limited vocabulary are full of shit. As a television producer I write scripts - those scripts don't contain swear words just good ole fashion writing. Simple words. Fancy words. I save the swearing for other stuff. Swearing can be appropriate in the right situation. A juicy cuss word can take a mediocre joke to the next level. A well chosen swear word can get your point across to some ass who needs a wake-up call. And sometimes cussing just blows off steam. I can't tell you how many times I have cussed somebody out when I have been in the shower all by my lonesome.

Of course now that I have a toddler I try not to swear in front of her. Like me she is obsessed with words. She is a book freak. And an incredible mimic. One time when she was younger she did hear me say "God damn it" and for the next hour she said those two words until her tongue went numb. The next day she forgot all about it and I haven't heard her cuss again. But at some point down the road she'll pick some four letter words up from somebody. I won't freak out about it. I think the more you do the more appealing "bad" words become to little kids.

Tracy
http://themoxiereport.blogspot.com

Wed, 2009-01-21 07:09

atedaldi

He he he, I had to laugh at this one, being Italian and all. I try not to use bad words in front of my kids but sometimes I slip. If I do and they ask me I say that it's better not to use those words but that if someone (me) happens to, it's not a huge deal. I think if I make it a taboo they will be more interested.

I agree with Tracy, moxiereport, sometimes swearing is powerful and oddly appropriate for certain situations.

As a last resort I swear in Italian which neither my husband nor my daughters really understand.....except for the tone...

Wed, 2009-01-21 08:13

kalisa

Oh man, I have THE BEST swearing toddler story!

When my son (now 15) was 2, his father had gone out and done yard work in his hiking boots. Which he then THREW INTO THE DRYER when he was done. I did not realize my dryer was caked with mud until I went to throw a clean load of wet clothes into it. I was SO PISSED. I dumped the clothes back into the washer, and was just cussing him while ON MY KNEES wiping out my dryer. "He is so. fucking. stupid!"

Of course, the little one was standing in the doorway watching me. "Hey!" he chastised me. "Don't say stupid!!"

Wed, 2009-01-21 10:48

conversationswi...

No! No! Daddy didn't say Fuck, he said Puck. No mommy didn't say SHIT, I said Quilt.

My son never buys it! He just looks at us and says, "that's a bad word".

Wed, 2009-01-21 12:43

jodimichelle

I loved this video so much I felt the need to add my own ... http://vimeo.com/2908402?pg=embed&sec=2908402

I love swearing.

Wed, 2009-01-21 14:04

Sarah@Ohana Mama

Aloha! I use Vimeo and just copy and paste the info on the embed button :) Hope that helps!

Here's my take on this swearing thing...this was a fun one. I have gotten sooooo much better with my swearing since having kids. Now I spell out explicitives, but for some reason that doesn't get my point across quite as well as a good old F*%@!

Here's my video...Again, you HAVE to love the unflattering screenshot. They do this to me on purpose I swear, LOL!

Vimeo.

Thu, 2009-01-22 17:47

badmummy

Can I just say that I'm Australian. Swearing like a sailor is a way of life over here. Everyone does it. Okay, so almost everyone. My in laws are still firmly planted in the Victorian era where one must say "Excuse me?" instead of "what?" blah blah blah.

So yes, I swear in front of Erin and she has quite an array of "inappropriate" words which she can even use in context. Actually, her third word was "bugger" so we had Dada, pup and bugger. Once she's older we'll teach her about appropriateness and that swearing is something adults are allowed to do but children' aren't.

I've had people tell me that they don't swear in front of their children because they're children aren't allowed. Well children aren't allowed to drive, should we all stop doing that in front of them too?

That said I don't tend to swear in my writing. On occasion I do, and I think that that occasion is becoming more frequent, but up until the past year or so I NEVER swear on blog. No particular reason for it though and I didn't realize I didn't do it until I started reading blogs where the author did.

Wed, 2009-01-21 15:33

Cynthia

Just the other day, I considered tweeting fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck for the entire 140 characters of a twitter update. That's how much I like to swear.

I agree with some of the other ladies that swear words can express that something special in a way other words can't.

I did not & really try not to swear in front of my daughter but have found that I seem more willing to say "dammit" in front of her than I used to. Not that I want to but I'm noticing that I do.

She says "sucks" & I consider that a swear word but I can't stop saying it myself so I find it hard to admonish her. Instead I give her a lukewarm look of disapproval & call it a day.

http://twitter.com/RichMama
http://blackswanpapers.blogspot.com/

Wed, 2009-01-21 17:28

ali

I grew up with both parents swearing like sailors. For my dad the F word was just punctuation.
So naturally my language wasn't exactly the cleanest. My mother would tell me off for swearing in my teens and i had no reason to pay any attention because she'd turn around and swear just as bad 2 minutes later.
Then I married a mormon and had a baby, took me a long time to eradicate the swearing from my vocabulary but I did it. Now when people swear it really hits a lot harder than it ever used to. Where bad language used to bounce off me like rubber balls it now pierces me like arrows. I wonder how children feel about it?

Wed, 2009-01-21 17:35

AZ Writer

First, I've gotta say, the bleeps make this episode funnier for some reason. At least to me.

For me, the whole concept of "bad words" has never made much sense. I grew up in a fairly strict household cursing-wise, but just never understood this notion that certain words were designated and set apart, such that uttering them was awful -- when you could say things that mean the same thing, or say things much more hurtful, or even use the forbidden words in a non-hurtful way.

I did briefly conduct an experiment when I was 8 or so with my parents, that I mentally dubbed "What the fuck is wrong with fuck?" Basically the concept was over-exposure and example, and they would surely see my impeccable logic.

It did not go over well. That was the end of my cussing career for the next decade.

My husband had it much worse than I did. He was raised to never ever EVER cuss, or say words that were "replacement words" for cuss words (cottonpickin' was just as bad as motherfuckin'; shoot was the same as shit, etc.), and he got his mouth washed out with actual soap for any transgressions. So even now, if I cuss in front of my son -- and by "cuss" I mean "dammit" -- he'll glare at me.

But I see nothing wrong with cussing, at least nothing separately wrong with it. Hurtful is hurtful, slang is slang, it's all the same to me. But by osmosis and just habit, I hardly ever cuss, naturally. That, coupled with the fact that I really would rather my son spout something other than words that will get nasty-grams sent home from his first-grade teacher, and my language lately amounts to "Golly gosh darn it! Horsefeathers at all this bull-honkey!" (for which my husband's grandmother would probably like to wash my mouth out anyway).

My son did ask me about bitch a few months ago, which I think is one of the few cuss words that I can almost unequivocally tell him it's wrong to use, at least in the noun form that doesn't mean female dog. I just told him it was a word that meant girl dog, but people also use it now to insult people girls, and since that's what everyone thinks when they hear the word we shouldn't say it, even if we're talking about girl dogs. The message was basically if you can avoid hurtfulness in language, do so. He's been exposed to most of the "biggies," but doesn't really think anything of it one way or another. It's just another situation where you can choose to say this or that, choose to be mean or nice.

This is how unexposed my son is to cussing: The other day in the parking lot, someone slammed a car door on her hand and addressed the car, hollering, "Stupid fucking piece of fucking shit! Dammit!"

He looks solemn. "Mom! She said stupid!"

Wed, 2009-01-21 17:57

Mindy

AZ - The bleeping was one of the preconditions! I said I'd do it if I had full freedom to say whatever I wanted and if they would bleep it out. You know, make it into a drinking game. This video is relatively tame - both Alice and I rehearsed long strings of profanity - independently - and kept cracking up in the middle. I think we each had to do three takes.

Wed, 2009-01-21 18:59

TheWife

I spilled a tray loaded with food, fries, and soda at Burger King this weekend. All over the floor. The sodas *exploded*.

I shouted, "SH*T!" at the top of my lungs - pure instinct - looked down and there was a five year old girl and her mother right next to me. I slapped my hand to my mouth and stammered out an apology - first to the kid and then to the mom. By time the manager had replaced my order I was purple with embarrassment.

Wed, 2009-01-21 18:11

Momartfully

Yes, I can't help it. Sometimes when I've tried something like walking across my son's Lego-covered floor in bare feet, at night... it just comes out. Swearing is like punctuation marks for my pain.

I remember getting into the car with my father and son (who was barely 3). As we started driving my little angel spoke up from the back "Grampa, is THAT a putz TOO?"

My poor dad.

And Mindy... are you wearing a pocket watch locket in the video? I like it!

Wed, 2009-01-21 20:40

Mindy

Yes - that was my great-grandmother's watch! We can't figure out who it belonged to before that - there is some old etching in the casing we can't read. I feel like I'm officially middle aged - wearing my great-grandmother's watch and my grandmother's diamond ring.

Wed, 2009-01-21 22:06

Alice

Mindy, I'm so sad that our long strings of expletives were cut from the final product. Those took work, people! And afterward I had to wash my own mouth out with soap.

I'm beginning to realize that I might be a bit Victorian, myself. I totally correct Henry when he says "What" instead of "excuse me," and I get all testy when he calls Scott "him" instead of "Daddy" or "Honorable Father" or whatever. Jesus Christ, when did I get so fucking proper?

Thu, 2009-01-22 11:18

Momartfully

"And afterward I had to wash my own mouth out with soap..." anybody else read that and picture the scene from "A Christmas Story" where the mom washes Ralphie's mouth out with Lifebuoy soap?

Careful, Alice, I hear it causes blindness ;-)

Fri, 2009-01-23 19:20

nicnicnic

my husband and i cuss in front of our 9 month old constantly... assuming that he doesn't get it. but maybe we should hold back and attempt to tame our potty mouths before jackson can understand what we're saying. i'm not sure if it would even matter though because i learned the other night, when giving jackson a bath, that he thoroughly enjoys having soap in his mouth. so it's not like i'll be able to use that as punishment for cussing... fuck that.

Thu, 2009-01-22 11:33

TheXMom

My husband and I both cuss in front of our children, but we do try to censor what we say if possible. Most of the time we don't think about it before we say it. There are worst things in the world than dropping the "F" bomb. To read more about me and my experience with getting my 5 y/o to stop saying fuck... check out my post http://thexmom.blogspot.com/2009/01/everlasting-alternative-f-bomb.html

Thu, 2009-01-22 12:29

the monster wrangler

Call me old-fashioned or up-tight or any other hyphened word, but my husband and I only curse around each other. And we're trying to cut that out.

I, too will admit that nothing is funnier than throwing a expletive out there occasionally. And sometimes there is no other word that fully describes what you want to say, BUT...

I don't like to do it in front of others, and I certainly do not want my children to do it.

Maybe it's because I'm a pastor's wife. Okay, well that has a lot to do with it.

Thu, 2009-01-22 13:05

Pat

I don't have a potty mouth but I have to admit to swearing once in a while in front of the offsprings.. swearing is a weird and funny thing sometimes, I came to live in montreal around 5 years ago and here saying anything related to the catholic church is a swear word... so hostie (host) swear word... holy communion.. swear word... calice (chalice/calix) also a swear word... to me that is just too darn funny!!

Thu, 2009-01-22 14:59

Mindy

Pat - the Host thing completely threw me in Spain. I stayed with a family in Catalunya, and the son was always saying "hostia!" or "hostia sagrada!" and his mother would try to get me to make him stop by pretending I was offended. It actually cracked me up, just like my using "Jesus!" make them laugh. "Why are you saying that?" Even worse, when I won an argument I'd say, "See?" and they'd just look at me funny. "Si? Si, que?" I could not break the habit. Just could not.

I can swear in Chinese, ("Go fuck your dog." "I don't have a dog."), Serbian (I'm afraid to try to spell it - I don't know what it means, but my Serbian boyfriend in HS had me saying it for years. That is, until a Serbian I worked for once asked me to tell him all the phrases I knew, and when I said this one, he turned pale and said, "I have never heard that word from a woman's mouth."), French, Catalan ("I shit on the Host" - hey, THEIR words, and I was shocked), and Spanish. I can swear in languages I can't even begin to speak. Probably just as well.

Thu, 2009-01-22 20:15

momranoutscreaming

I was a waitress for fifteen years. A little insight, we have potty mouths. So, it took a lot of time and effort for me to curb my bad habits. Luckily, by the time my oldest started repeating everything, I had myself under control. Not working in a restaurant helped a lot. I don't swear in front of my kids except for the occasional slip up. I'm sure when they get older they will do their fair share of cursing but for right now I thinks it's best to keep them as innocent as possible. They grow up so much faster these days. Why help it along?
One problem I do have though is being aware of what I watch on TV. One evening, when my oldest was three I fed them dinner in the living room so I could watch the early viewing of The Sopranos. She turned to me and said, "Did he just say f**ing?"
"Yes, but we don't use that word"
"What f**ing?"
"Yes"
"Why don't we say f**ing?
"It's not nice and mommy and daddy don't use it so you shouldn't"

She did the same thing after she heard her Grandpa say dammit.
Those little stinkers will sneak it in as much as possible if they find out they're not supposed to say it.

Kellie
www.momranoutscreaming.com

Thu, 2009-01-22 19:06

licensed2parent

I agree with the savvy moms who know there is no shame in a potty mouth since it goes in the grown up activity category, like driving. The reactions are key, and the parental domination of never saying shit makes it juicy to do so. I may swear in front of Aston or Indiana Jones will and we just check in with him that he knows it is a grown up word, aka not to be used in school where an adult can hear him!
Once when he was 4ish, during a freestyle prayer riff, he says: And God loves me even if I say the A word or the B word or the S word, even though I don't even know what the B word is, but Justin at school said it is pretty bad. ROTFLMAO!!!! The next day I asked what the S word was and he said, stupid.
He has never been intrigued by the whole thing. He has said: That sucks, and when I asked, What did you say? He says, Just trying it out. But if he asks me what they mean, I try to give him an idea of the nature of the insult without going into detail. It's like a parenting challenge for me. Just doing research for my next coaching client! Great topic ladies...

Dawn
www.licensed2parent.com

Sat, 2009-01-24 15:30

BabblingAbby

I guess I'm a bit of a goody-goody. You won't find it on my blog and you won't hear me do it in front of my baby. I'm one of those people who uses "gosh" like it's going out of business. Well, maybe I'll throw out a piss here or a damn there when I'm with friends or extremely upset, but I didn't grow up in a home that cursed so I guess I'm just not programmed for it. I try to keep it clean :)

Sat, 2009-01-24 21:22

Marinka

I never curse in front of my kids. Ever. That's why I curse constantly on my blog.

Mon, 2009-01-26 11:12

hismom

Ok, I'll admit it. I've got a major pottymouth.

Sometimes swearing is the only way to really get your point across whether you're telling a story, telling another driver what you really think, or even squealing about a stubbed toe.

I'll say things without thinking and immediately will slap my hand over my mouth and pray that Kaleb didn't hear me. I try to censor myself but Kaleb is literally *always* with me and sometimes I just can't. Lol. When he does hear me, I'll usually get a sharp glare or a "What did you say, mommy?", so I'm happy he's at least taken the "Bad words are for grown-ups, not little boys" lesson to heart. *phew* Who knows what will happen once he's in school and the kids are using swear words on a daily basis.

Tue, 2009-01-27 12:00