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November 09, 2008
Today on Momversation, Mindy Roberts of The Mommy Blog asks: Is it okay to use food as a reward with your kids? Will dangling dessert as a reward for eating vegetables come back to bite you later? Or is it sometimes okay to harness the appeal of a candy bar to "grease the wheels" and get things done? Take a look at Mindy's dessert flowchart, and tell us what works in your family. Let us know in the comments, or join the Momversation in our related forums:
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22 Comments
Wefwjnegjjw
Thu, 2010-03-04 10:06
Lomwefgbnbv
Wed, 2010-03-03 17:34
Testing on the live site.
Tue, 2009-05-26 18:02
I have thoughts on the topic but decided I was probably unqualified to comment because I haven't been tested yet - I don't know if I'll cave under pressure and shove a piece of cake in his or her face for just a moment of silence. I'll have to get back to you on that one ;)
But I am adamant about one thing, and that is not rewarding kids for clearing their plates. If they're hungry enough to eat it all, great. If not, that's OK too. By conditioning kids to clear their plates they're being taught to use their eyes to determine when they're "full" and thereby stop listening to what their body is telling them. It's an eating disorder waiting to happen.
I know it's tempting because seeing a clear plate is an obvious and measurable goal ("just four more bites and you're done - come on, then we can have ice cream!"), but of all the food "issues" I think this is by far the most damaging in the long run. So what if you introduce your kids to a lifetime of sweet tooth? Its fine as long as they know they're full after four fun-size snickers and not when the bag is empty!
Fri, 2008-12-05 13:21
I really try hard not to offer up food as rewards, because I struggle with my own weight like many others. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm sad, when I'm upset...hell even when I'm happy. Birthday's are about the cake, Christmas is about the cookies...Halloween is about the candy.
I don't want my own kids thinking of things in terms of the food that is served at the time.
Thu, 2008-11-20 14:10
We try not to do this in our household primarily because my six year old daughter is a Type 1 diabetic. Believe me, using food as a reward can be very troublesome when you have that situation to deal with. What I really can't stand is that food, candy and sweets often times, is used alot in school as a reward for kids. Or parents bring sweets for things such as parties etc. all the time versus healthy snacks.
If food is gonna be given as a reward, I wish it could be as healthy, ie as slow in sugar, as possible. It kills me when like a parent at a party could have chosen, say, sugar free pudding versus regular or even lower sugar juice versus like fruit punch. I've only been to one party, where the family had a diabetic in their family and understood, who at least made the effort to make all the treats for the kids (not just mine) low or no sugar. Shouldn't we all aim for that?
Just a thought.
Mon, 2008-11-17 21:08
HappyMommyx4.....
Ahhh weight issues is the main backing for my own blog forum. So this I feel I can weigh in on (no pund intened....well maybe a little...lol). Growing up it was a big deal to get treats as a reward. H*ll it motivated me to no end. And has I got older I craved and hated the results so much that I turned bulimic. Years apon years till therapy and more therapy....lol
I guess what I learned is not to make food a reward. I always tried things like hey if you finish your homework we can go bike riding or any number of extra activities. In fact we had done this so many times my nieces and nephews would ask to stay just for those extra activities.
As for what snacks I do have and trust me we have them.... They are either made by myself or bought besificially on lowfat and healthier alternatives. Now I say that...but with everything there is a loop hole (lol...knew that was coming right..). We have dark chocolate and maybe some life savers, etc. as well. A little of this or that on occassion is not bad long as we don't indulge 24/7.
Thu, 2008-11-13 14:35
You know, there is a whole, untapped market in Aerobic Haircut and Styling. I break a sweat every time I give a haircut.
Tue, 2008-11-11 21:49
Because I have my own weight problem, I generally try to avoid food rewards. But in the case of my youngest (21 months), I occasionally have to break my own rule on this. In order to get him to sit even a little bit still so I can cut his incredibly fast-growing hair, I have to bribe him with a Popsicle. In fact, he had a three-Popsicle haircut last night! Sheesh!
Tue, 2008-11-11 17:21
Living in Japan they have a great system, kind of based on England (I think). We have scheduled snack times. Usually 10 a.m. (for little ones at home) and then at 3 p.m. as well (usually for after school before dinner). There tends to be quite a few sugary snacks included, but hey, it is only a limited amount and when it's done, it's done. Kids seem to do better when they know when it is going happen.
Not to say that I don't have lolipops in my purse for emergency melt downs!! Or for praise as well! My 5 year old boy got a flu shot yesterday and cried!! I felt so bad for him, I immediately whipped out a sucker!
Tue, 2008-11-11 16:45
HappyMommyx4,
It may seem that we are all thin (and I think I'm the only one who can say this) but I am carrying forty pounds I didn't have before kids. It's a struggle. And I can tell you, it doesn't help being too depressed to do anything about it, even knowing that exercise is the biggest boost and the best way to get healthier. *sigh*
Tue, 2008-11-11 15:13
I was all set to say "nope, I do not! It didn't work so we ..." but then I stopped. Because I was looking at my wall where the tallies are kept - my classes are competing, by playing online games (the online system we use tracks how many minutes each student plays each game) for a pizza party at the end of the year. Test grades have gone up and I am amazed at how many minutes they will play - classes are logging in over 300 minutes in a two-week span (and no, they cannot just log in and walk away, the system only logs active minutes HA!).
So, apparently, the answer is no at home, yes at school.
Tue, 2008-11-11 07:34
Using food for anything other than matter-of-fact nourishment is a recipe for EATING DISORDER. From birth, I have offered healthy food choices for my kids everyday, along with the attitude, 'This is what we're eating, take it or leave it'. And when the kids would sometimes eat only a few bites on their plate, my super cool, laid back Pediatrician would always remind me, "Kids won't starve themselves". Now my kids are 11 & 14 and eat just about anything, and don't hoard chocolates, stuff their faces with raw cookie dough, or go on secret, greasy taco runs at Jack-n-the-Box...not that I'm admitting any wrong doing. Yes, yes, there is a surprisingly domestic "alter ego" to my evil twin, Scandalous Housewife!
Tue, 2008-11-11 07:01
Bribing with food is one of those (many) things I swore I'd never do as a mom, and find myself doing anyway, against my better judgment. My two-year-old eats rather constantly, and while I only have healthy snacks for him, I know he can't be hungry ALL the time. I realize it's become a habit for him to have snacks in the car, at Stroller Strides, and in grocery stores - basically anytime we're somewhere I need to appease him. (I cringe to admit this!) I know that if I were to bite the bullet and just say no to snacks - say, immediately following breakfast - he would have one big fit and then accept the new reality. I just haven't found a good day to take that on.
I have 2 more comments, one about sweets in particular, and one about rewards in general:
I think we shoot ourselves in the foot when we reward our kids with sweets. The impact of sugar on my son's behavior just makes it so NOT worth it for me. Sure, we celebrate at times with sweets, (and I'm a total hypocrite, because I eat sweets daily - just not in front of him) and I really enjoy seeing how excited he gets about it, but then I know that I'm in for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride for the rest of the day.
The last comment is on rewards in general, and it's actually a book recommendation. I read the book "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn a few months ago, and it completely revolutionized my thinking about rewards and punishment. It was an eye-opening book, citing some interesting research about the long-term effects of coercion (let's face it, that's what it is) on our kids. I highly recommend it. I'm finding it challenging to implement as a philosophy, since it radically goes against the status quo, but I absolutely see the value in it. I'd love to hear if any of you have read it and what you think.
Cheers!
Mon, 2008-11-10 20:00
@HappyMommyx4
I totally use food as a treat for myself too! It's horrible!
Given that there is only two of us (my teen daughter and I) we tend to not have that many desserts around the house because if we bake a pan of brownies, we are left alone to eat them ... and we will. Why waste food? Eat, eat, eat!
Actually, I don't use food to motivate, but to celebrate! Of course we end up celebrating a lot. But that's not bad, is it? : )
Mon, 2008-11-10 19:07
I would love to hear some mom's weigh in (pun intended) on this who struggle with their weight. I notice these are all thin moms. I am 70 pounds overweight and the daughter of parents who are hundreds of pounds overweight. Depressed? Eat. Happy? Eat. Accomplishe? Eat. Failed? Eat. You get the idea here. I struggle with it every single day and I desperately want my family cycle of obesity to end with me.
Mon, 2008-11-10 16:42
Just to establish one end of the weird-child-preference spectrum: When we took our first son trick-or-treating, we put three Fig Newtons in his pumpkin as a bribe to get him out of the house in his getup. Anytime people tried to add candy, he waved them off and refused to even consider taking something. He had his Newtons, and that was that.
I cried for a week. There was nothing to steal.
Mon, 2008-11-10 15:28
I'm kinda having the opposite problem with my one yr old. He can get in the pantry now and brings me packages of fruit snacks, containers of puffs, anything that he knows he normally eats. Then he throws it at me to open the container and feed him.
He's a chunky little dude but is always signing 'eat'. I'm trying to feed him more solid food all the time instead of milk bottles but he LOVES to eat. Any good ideas to enforce mealtimes? or even snack times?
Mon, 2008-11-10 15:11
We tried the "reward with food" for potty training. Three M&M's for each successful potty. It did work for peeing for a while and then I gained about 3 lbs because I was eating the M&M's. In the end, she still would have major accidents and it was the natural consequence of going to back to diapers that stopped her.
I did the "reward with dessert" for dinner. But dessert was a brownie laced with spinach and blueberries... is that mean?
I switch between that tactic and the, "That's fine if you don't want to eat them now, you can try the broccoli for breakfast, K?" This works much better.
Mon, 2008-11-10 13:27
I've been through the dessert game. It's such a thin thin to skate. I never did the food as reward for potty training, so I was lucky in that regard. My kids get plenty of junk (I think; they don't) so I have resorted to only doing dessert on Sundays. It works. They know that during the week they often have ice cream/popsicles/sherbet when they get home from school, so that alleviates most of the 'we never have dessert' whining.
On Sundays, they are expected to eat a good portion of dinner to be eligible for dessert. Sometimes I have dessert that they don't like (one doesn't like pie/ the other doesn't like cheesecake/ blah, blah, blah) so they don't eat, that's OK. If they don't like that dessert, that's OK. No alternative to dinner is served; you can eat or not eat, it's your choice. Have a cookie if you don't like 'my' dessert but you have to eat like a reasonable human being in order to get to that point.
Mon, 2008-11-10 13:09
I've got a problem with this too. My 4-yr old only wants PBJs or something filled with preservatives, like packaged chicken fingers and frozen mac-n-cheese, which we occasionally serve. He refuses to eat anything like spagetti or roast beef and veggies or even baked chicken. So we resorted to the bribery.
One thing he loves is buttered cornbread. Once we even placed warm cornbread in front of him and buttered it so he could see it melting. We said one bite (!) of roast beef, carrot or potato and he could have a slice. He refused to eat anything. After a few weeks, I called the doctor about this and he seems to think that it won't hurt our 4-yr old to miss a few meals and that we're doing the right thing by trying to introduce foods that are made by companies other than Jif and Smuckers.
In the meantime, our offers for ice cream, cookies, etc. after dinner are not motivators enough. How do you get the stubborn child to eat? If you think we give in, you're wrong. If we know he hasn't eaten anything, we'll let him have bread or crackers, but not what he wants. Ladies, let me know if you have suggestions...
Mon, 2008-11-10 08:25
Ok, I'll bite (ha ha). I haven't been fond of the idea of using food as a reward, mostly because, as an adult with weight issues (who was a child with weight issues), I didn't want to set up a psychology whereby my kids reward themselves and comfort themselves into obesity. That said, we felt like potty training needed a little nudge in the right direction, so we started offering a piece of candy after every pee-pee. Now the kid tries to make himself go whenever he wants candy, and he barely hops off the toilet seat before he's asking for his candy. NOT exactly what we were looking for. All this to say that I'm still unsure, but I'm beginning to think my original philosophy was the right one -- no food as a reward.
P.S. LOVED the flow chart, Mindy.
Mon, 2008-11-10 06:10