Do Your Kids Call Adults by Their First Names?

Living in Hawaii makes this easy--every adult is "Auntie" or "Uncle" unless we're told otherwise. We're also teaching "Sir" and "Ma'am" for when we go to the mainland. I think it's totally fine to call an adult by their first name if that adult has given the child specific permission to do so, but our default is to use honorifics.

Tue, 2009-10-27 20:22

Growing up in a small midwestern town, it was very rare to call someone Ms. or Mr. Whatever. It was probably because I grew up in a place where I knew most of the people in town. My parents were teachers and when my friends came over they encouraged my friends to call them by their first names when in our home. However, my husband is from Boston and was appalled at the thought that our children might not address our friends as Mr. or Mrs. I thought he was weird for wanting them to because I grew up in a place that was so laid back, we knocked as we were walking into friends' homes and they did the same to ours. I never saw that as rude, but my husband certainly does and I can see his point to some extent. I would probably start my kids out calling people Mr. or Mrs. until that person tells them they can use their first name if they want to just because I know how important that is to my husband. I agree with Heather's point that it is more important how they treat adults rather than the emphasis on using Mr. or Mrs.

Wed, 2009-10-28 04:18

Born and raised in Southern Louisiana we ALWAYS addressed our elders with either Mr/Mrs. If it was a very close friend then it was Aunt/Uncle.
I am trying to raise my daughter the same way but I find that some of her friends don't use these manners.

Wed, 2009-10-28 05:39

I think this is a regional thing. Growing up in the northeast, we called (and still do) my parents friends by their first names. And I assure you, we had absolute respect for them because that's how my parents taught us to behave. Now that I'm a parent, I'm more comfortable having my daughter's friends call me by my first name.

I don't connect respect with using words like "Mrs" or "Ma'am." I think it's a facade. In fact, I hate it when someone "Ma'ams" me (now I live in the South). Respect comes from how you act (and a lot of the times, react) around children.

Since I live in the South now (the "South light" as we call it, since there's a huge amount of people from the northeast here), I just ask people what they prefer to be called. As I stated, it has nothing to do with respect, but it has everything to do with the adult's comfort level, and as long as nobody asks my kids to call them "Ol' holy one" or anything ridiculous, I let each person decide. We've found that some people want to be called "Ms. first name." Others want to be called "first name." And that's perfectly fine by me.

Here's a question to the group--how do you handle it when someone asks to be called something different? For example, Dana, you mentioned that you have your kids use "Mrs. last name"... what if that person said they prefer "first name" or "Ms. first name," etc.?

Wed, 2009-10-28 06:36

I totally agree with Dana. We are losing our manners. One of my biggest pet peeves is when a child answers an adult by saying yeah. It sounds incredibly rude. I was raised in the South and I still answer my elders by saying yes maam, no sir, etc.

Wed, 2009-10-28 08:23

Wow, "there's a lack of manners with kids these days"? Is this 1960? 1930? 1830? Sounds like a perennial complaint of one generation about another.

Sounds to me like it's a question of what lesson are you trying to teach your kids for them to take into adulthood. Submission to authority, or respect for another person's perspective. Why don't you teach them something an adult would be wise to do: learn to ask people what they would like to be called, and err on the side of being more formal at first. That's respect for their views, without just giving them a vision of the world where they have no power. (That sounds like a great way to raise kids who will constantly be acting up).

Wed, 2009-10-28 09:38

Up until my father got remarried, most everybody in my life was Aunt/Uncle. My grandparents had me use them for their friends, various older cousins (like 20 years older) and such - I didn't know until I was probably 6 that they weren't in fact related by blood. My mother actually HAD 9 brothers and sisters, so again with the Aunt and Uncle. My father's wife actually was the one who made an issue out of this and I'm not sure exactly why. Then it became Mr. & Mrs. In any case, for my daughter I'd like to do mostly the same as my grandparents if we're close enough OR in some cases use whatever people are comfortable with being called. To me it doesn't really matter, as long as my daughter is respectful of adults in her life. Interestingly enough, in school they only use first names - no Miss, no Mrs Last name. So I don't know if when the time comes, she'll even understand that.

Wed, 2009-10-28 10:30

We started out with our children calling adults by Mr and Mrs. Some people said that they could call them by their first name because their last name was too hard to pronounce. We said they could learn it because it was a sign of respect. We also told them that if they were at a friends house, they could call the parent by their name, using Mr. or Mrs., because they knew their friends last name. Some people also said call me Miss (first name) or Mr (first name). That got way too confusing for our kids, and us, so we just told them to use the last name only.

Then we moved to an area where every adult was called by their first name and many of the women kept their maiden name. My kids were incredibly confused and didn't know what to call adults. We finally told them to use their first names but they should speak to them with respect and not like they are their friends.

When we moved back to our original location, we went back to the kids calling adults by Mr. and Mrs., but if they were told that they could call them by their first names, then that was okay too. We also ask or encourage our children to ask the adults what they would like to be called. My husband and I are usually called Mr and Mrs. (last name) but we do introduce ourselves by our first names also. I let them have the option but they must call me something other than hey you or so and so's mom. They will get corrected for that.

All in all, my children have been taught to use adults' last names first and to always use respect. It will carry them well through their life.

Wed, 2009-10-28 10:35

Wed, 2009-10-28 13:27

One more vote for the "Auntie/Uncle" title from me. And like deannanmc, I think it's a Hawaii thing. I grew up there and my daughter was born there. We've relocated to the mainland but kept the best parts of the culture. It catches people off guard but nobody has ever taken offense. As she gets older, I plan to enforce the Mr./Mrs. LastName unless they specify otherwise.

Wed, 2009-10-28 16:06

I hadn't really thought about it.... The kids just call people what they would prefer to be called, which is the ultimate in respect, right? I guess I could be better about the use of sir or ma'am, being as they age they may find themselves in a situation where they are not with me and have to interact or speak to an adult that they may not know(personally, I prefer "Miss" or April amongst friends, but that's just me.)
I guess as a whole, I feel that respect is not something that I'm going to get unless 1. I advocate for it myself and 2. I deserve it. I generally try to conduct myself in a respectful manner toward others and my family, including my children. It's doesn't matter what they call me if they aren't respectful, they aren't respectful.... what name they call me by isn't much going to help their manners if they have none.

Wed, 2009-10-28 17:58

Forgot to say two things:

1. Asha, you look fantastic in this video! Very fresh-faced and relaxed. Go you.

2. I worked in an in-home daycare for a while, and asked that the kids call me Miss LastName, instead of just my first name like they were accustomed to doing with the other helpers. Within days, we all noticed a difference in the way the kids approached us. It was more formal with me, and it was cute watching them introduce me to their parents as Miss LastName. I'm all for teaching your kids respect no matter what term they use to address their elders, but I think a Mr./Mrs. in front is just another way to help them make that distinction.

Wed, 2009-10-28 19:52

I grew up in a large capital city in Australia and in kindergarten and Primary school we called our teachers by their first names. In high school it was pretty casual - all teachers were Sir or Miss, but our favourite teachers (and I guess the one we respected more) were called by their first names.

I was NEVER introduced to my friend's parents as Mrs or Mr, it was ALWAYS bu their first name.

I don't think this meant that we had no respect for all the adults in our lives! Teachers and other adults demanded our respect by their attitudes and behaviour and they way they treated us as children.

I now live in the Caribbean where, as a teacher myself, children refer to me and other adults as Miss or Mr. Actually as an adult, I refer to strangers and elders as Miss and Mr as well. I like this friendly formality, but on it's own it doesn't automatically demand more respect from children than calling adults by their first names.

Thu, 2009-10-29 09:35

I am a big fan of this site, but sometimes I am a bit surprised how such open-minded women can make an issue so cut and dry.

Like most parenting choices, this is a personal preference with no right or wrong. The assumption that the use of Mr. or Mrs. is the only way to teach your children respect is a bit misguided.

When I grew up, there were no first name options. We respected the adults because that is how we were raised, not because of what we called them. Not out of fear (like Heather voiced), but because we were taught to respect elders.

In raising my own kids I chose to have a more informal home. That does not mean that I did not expect respectful behavior. I simply wanted to be more approachable. My 17 and 20 year old kids' friends have always respected us. Very much so.

Sorry, I think it is a bit close-minded to think that there is only one way to teach respect.

Thu, 2009-10-29 12:04

amyz5-I have to disagree with your assessment that this was a one-answer episode. In fact, there were several different options discussed here in how some families teach their kids to address adults. Ellen said her son calls adults by their first names but inserts the Mr and Mrs in front of them. Heather says while she was raised to call adults by sir or ma'am, her daughter calls adults by their first names. Dana was the only one who said she believes kids should address adults solely by Mr or Mrs. So to say that the ladies were "closed-minded" with a "cut and dried" answer is a misinterpretation of the facts.

Thu, 2009-10-29 20:05