May 07, 2009
Picture June Cleaver, the epitome of the perfect mother. She's rarely wrong, always understanding, and she even put dinner on the table every night while wearing a frilly dress. This is the up-on-the-pedestal portrayal of mothers that the media likes to tout. But if a mom doesn't fit the mold, or (heaven forbid!) makes a mistake, then the media brings down its hammer and wags its proverbial finger.
Every decision made by a mother is considered public property ripe for scrutiny. Think of the recent famous moms in the news: Michelle Duggar, Nadya Suleman, Sarah Palin, Kate Gosselin. Whether you like them or not, you have to admit that their mothering skills have been picked apart in excutiating detail by the mass media. And it doesn't stop there. There's welfare moms (now known as largely a media construct), moms who drink, moms who work, moms who don't work, moms who... you get the picture. No mother is safe from measuring up to the ideal. So, Alice Bradley of Finslippy asks the panelists, "Do you think moms are portrayed fairly in the media?"
Do you feel media pressure to be a "perfect mom?" Do you think moms are generally portrayed positively or negatively? Join the Momversation by taking our poll or commenting.
Share This:
Best of Momversation
Did You Take Your Husband's Name?
Some women still get disapproving looks when they state that they didn't take their husband's last name. …
Childfree by Choice
There's a growing movement across the blogosphere of people who have chosen to remain childless. …
Is Circumcision Wrong?
It's a tough decision that every American mother of a baby boy has to make: to circumcise or not…
Are You Concerned About Vaccinations?
When you hear the word "vaccine," do you immediately think of the word "autism?" …
Favorite Quotes
Alice
On behalf of the parents of autistic children I know, Jenny McCarthy can go &*$% herself.
Doctors or Parents: Who Do You Trust More?
Asha
I can't plan anything a year in advance. I certainly can't plan 365 meals, nor would I ever want to.
Meal Planning for a Year: Crazy Talk?
Dana
We've been conditioned to think that only one way is acceptable.
Life Experiences: Do They Count as Education?
Daphne
My husband is not Mr. Romantic, but that's OK because he can fix the tires on a stroller.
Valentine's Day: Is It Important to You?
Giyen
Sometimes it works out great, and sometimes she wants the $195 flat iron.
Thankful: How Do You Teach Your Kids to Be Grateful?
Heather
Heather, it's going to be your duty to teach our daughter about her cheeseburger.
Private Parts: Do You Have Cutesy Names for Them?
Heather
When you have something wrong with your child's health, a lot of parents need to cling to something.
Vaccines and Autism: Debate Over?
Jessica
The reality is if you have kids at your house often enough, the accidents will happen.
Accidents Happen: When Someone Else's Kid Gets Hurt on Your Watch
Karen
My husband is the gadgety person. My God, that man has gadgets. And they never work. What is that?
Gotta-Have Gadget: What's Yours?
Maggie
Your 6 week old is not interested in anything but light and shadow.
Mindy
Americans eat too much. Eat half!
Rebecca
What I really want to accomplish is raising children who are advocates for themselves.
Categories
Stay up-to-date on the Momversation by subscribing to our RSS feeds and joining our weekly newsletter.
Stay informed on our latest news!
24 Comments
Hjuasdfasef
Thu, 2010-03-04 10:49
Lomwefgbnbv
Wed, 2010-03-03 18:14
FOUR DOGS/ A LIZARD/ TWO TURTLES/ A SNAKE/ A DOVE / A FISH /THREE TAD POLES TWO CHILDREN AN COMPANION UNDER ONE ROOF I LOVE TO COOK AN I KNOW HOW TO COOK I GET DRESSED UP ALOT EVEN IF I JUST RUN TO THE MARKET I DON'T GET PEACE IN THE BATHROOM MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER DANCES ON THE RIM OF THE TUB MY SON CONSTANTLY SAYS I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING MY COMPANION HAS SPATS ALL WHILE I'M IN THE BATHROOM THEN THEY WANT TO KNOW WHY I SIT IN A DARK ROOM WITH A CANDLE OR JUST WALK AROUND THE HOUSE IN HIGH HEAL SHOES MOTHERHOOD RELATIONSHIPS CAN DRIVE YOU NUTS IF YOU LET IT I JOINED UP FOR DANCE LESSONS I WATCH THE MOVIE THE WOMEN MEG RYAN DEBRA MESSIING ANNETTE BEINING JADA PIKKETT SMITH EVA MENDEZ BETTE MIDLER PLEASE JUNE CLEVER WAS GREAT BUT EVERY HOUSE HOLD IS DIFFERENT HAVE AN HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY YES I DO HAVE LOCKS ON MY DOOR THEY KNOCK AN KNOCK I ALWAYS TRY TO STAY CALM I'M GOING TO HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND I HOPE U LADIES DO AS WELL
Sat, 2009-05-23 13:07
You all might get a kick out of Sarah Haskins' segments on Current TV, where she makes fun of how women in general are portrayed in the media. She's hilarious. www.current.tv/sarahhaskins
Fri, 2009-05-22 12:15
Thu, 2009-05-21 17:00
great discussion
media likes extremes either your mother of they year ready for sainthood Betty Crocker, June Cleaver or you mommy dearest, drunk, irresponsible or you poor pathetic how does she stay sane, how will she ever survive damsel in distress. Balance. We are a little of all of that because its a Journey and a Process. I think its good to show motherhood is hard that its work and not all soap operas and bonbons or 3 star meals and always happy and content that you don't have to live up to unreal expectations but we are not Victims.
These Blog sites are what help show moms that that motherhood is about Joys , laughter ,success, pain, stress , exhaustion, great moment and failed battles Its LIFE
Tue, 2009-05-12 15:47
Great discussion!
The media definitely stereotypes moms - they tend to like to fit things into nice little boxes "either all good or all bad" when in reality no role in life (including mom!) is usually that clear cut!
I have never seen myself (a happily married, educated Black mom who decided to step away from corporate America for a while to focus on raising her kids full-time) portrayed in the media. Yet, I see these types of women in my community every day.
The blogosphere is only a little better. However, the good thing about it, is that at least discussions are being started and moms (of all backgrounds) are calling on corporate America (and one another!) to listen to and to represent the stories of ALL types of moms.
-Kimberly/Mom in the City
Mon, 2009-05-11 19:42
I'm with nolachick when she writes:
I also feel that there is a bit of a mixed message. In one breath we get it's ok to go to work, it's ok to take time for yourself, it's ok to have a glass of wine. And in the next it's, moms who drink while the children play... is it ok?
This is the big thing. Motherhood is hard, but it's all-fulfilling and you should be dancing with butterflies. You totally can work and be a power persona, but you should/will find yourself wanting to stay home and change diapers full-time. It's ok to get a sitter and go have a Girls Night Out, but you should be up late making organic multi-course lunches every day. No matter what you do, there's something better you should be considering...
Where's the analysis of dads? Not the rare bird the Stay-At-Home dad who stands by himself at playgroups designed for moms (although that's a ridiculous dynamic too), but the everyday dad who does just as much spoon-feeding and playdate-shuttling as the moms, who thinks about how hard he wants to work versus being at home earlier with the kids, who wishes society wouldn't judge him if he dropped back to part-time... Maybe these folks are still rare, but maybe all this focus on moms is just a sub-aspect of the basic Othering of women -- everything we do is weird and off the "normal" (male) model, and thus deserves lots of scrutiny and explication...
Mon, 2009-05-11 09:12
Again I want to make an appeal to take these conversations to the next level--doesn't "the media" sound a little amorphous, after a while? As though we can personify it and generalize about it. The media is a collection of all kinds of stories that capture the popular attention for one reason or another, and the real question is, *why* are these kinds of stories capturing our attention? Breast feed or don't breastfeed, drink at your kids' parties or not, etc. You all seem like intelligent women, so I wouldn't be surprised if you started talking about the gender aspect of all this. Why would popular culture be hypercritical of women's decisions about mothering? Why is this a topic that is so panic-inducing, and why does everyone feel there is always a right and a wrong way to do everything? What has changed since June Cleaver? There are powerful social purposes for these kinds of cultural phenomena--the happy housewife who has no choice in a career hid the feminine mystique, and the mother constantly anxious because she's made to feel guilty for not following an ever-changing set of rules serves a social and political purpose as well, too. What might that be? I'm not saying there's a puppeteer pulling the strings somewhere at NBC or in some political party; I'm saying that cultural phenomena usually reflect anxieties about change or about something that's being repressed (this is nothing new). People blaming women for all of society's problems isn't new, either. We can start a revolution by each of us no longer letting others make you feel guilty for being who you are. Alice is on to something when she demands mothers no longer be spoken to as children. That is a good description of the the cultural power dynamics that we need to recognize and continue working to change.
Sat, 2009-05-09 12:18
Well, obviously we differ on how some of us have made a name for ourselves. In any event, I don't think it's unreasonable or absurd to react to the media even if we've been, at times, a part of that "machine." It's disheartening to personally experience the media essentially taking what we've put out there, stripping it of any nuance, and then upping the potential-controversy angle.
Fri, 2009-05-08 20:02
The hypocrisy of this video is unreal.
The majority of these panelists have made a name for themselves talking about the drama and difficulty of parenting! How can they now say that they don't like the way the media portrays them, knowing they are fueling the media machine with negativity to begin with?!
This is absolutely absurd.
Fri, 2009-05-08 19:18
While I see where you're going with this, DH, "hypocrisy" goes too far. Yes, indeed, many of us write about the difficult parts of parenting. But it's perfectly valid for have a problem with the sound-bite packaging and mass distribution of that story on the morning shows and in the magazines.
Like I said in my video -- "that's entertainment." But I don't think that, just because we sometimes write about the hard parts of parenthood we've given up all right to be critical about how that message gets played out in mass media.
Mon, 2009-05-11 13:25
I do think it's unfortunate when the media showcases mothers purely as freak shows.
However, I don't think we should be so quick to condemn the times when the media, like The Oprah Show, has a COMMUNITY of women who are talking about the darker side of motherhood (or any side of motherhood for that matter). The point is, there IS a darker side of motherhood and I applaud the mothers who have the courage to write about it and talk about it, and even try to find the humorous side of it.
I'm all for the CONVERSATION (or MOMversation!) of it all. Different perspectives, different ideas, hopefully, not too much judgement :)
Fri, 2009-05-08 11:50
I don't really have a problem with it actually. Think about a few years ago when child abuse was never talked about and everyone always assumed that things were peachy everywhere. I think that we have worked hard for more awareness about child abuse, mental health issues, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. We have worked hard to expand the meaning of the word abuse to encompass neglect and sexual and emotional abuse as well as physical. To me, this is the trade-off. We want people to talk about these issues. If that means that they talk about things a little more than we are comfortable with or that there is constant debate over whether wine at playdates is okay, then so be it. At least we're not all living with the monsters locked in the closet anymore.
Fri, 2009-05-08 06:53
Frankly, I'm just tired of being ignored when it comes to meaningful conversations about motherhood. I'm an African American mom in a happy marriage with three beautiful, smart, incredible kids; I got married, had my kids with the man I love, and move Heaven and Earth to try to get this mothering thing right. Yet, the only time I see black moms talking about motherhood is... well... never. Unless we're talking about achievement gaps, poverty, teen pregnancies (insert your pathology here), we don't hear from black moms. Ever. Talk about stereotypes! (Note: I was SO happy to stumble on Momversation.com just yesterday and see such an eclectic mix of panelists--lead the way! But this combination is RARE.) What I would do to see a black mom like me with a voice and an opinion somewhere... anywhere!... represented in the media. (Um, and no, chronicling which cute outfit Michelle Obama is wearing while she breaks ground on the new White House garden is NOT enough--though greatly appreciated.)
On a more general note: We moms will happily go on TV to talk about getting drunk in the afternoon to cope or bash Nadya Suleman for the gazillionth time, but we won't raise our hands and speak up about unfair pay, unpaid maternity leave, negative media images of young girls, and other issues that affect our families. Why is that?
It's just not sexy. For the media. And unfortunately, for us, too.
So let's talk about Octomom again!
Fri, 2009-05-08 06:11
I totally remember that Today show, and I remember thinking "Oh my God, they're making such a big deal out of nothing." Perhaps the media is not looking for drama anymore, just tying to create it. Ooh, moms who get together and have a glass of wine while the children play, let's make some people angry about that!
I also feel that there is a bit of a mixed message. In one breath we get it's ok to go to work, it's ok to take time for yourself, it's ok to have a glass of wine. And in the next it's, moms who drink while the children play... is it ok?
Thu, 2009-05-07 17:15
I think that the media has gone running in the complete opposite direction from June Cleaver. Look at all the shows out there that portray moms in ways that are, I believe, closer to home. Or maybe June was the norm back in the day, and now Molly Ringwald in Life of the American Teenager is our television icon, along with the Blogess and Dooce. But if you look at advertising, moms are harried or calm, purchasing organic gluten-free bug spray or sprinting through MacDonalds in their SUVs. There is definitely a plethora of family life-styles portrayed on any form of media you examine. There may have been June Cleaver but there was also Edith Bunker not too long afterward!
I don't believe that it's social pressure or media influence, because there is such a wide range of moms displayed. Rather, I think it's what we focus on as individuals, where we see ourselves lacking, and who we want to be. For me, it's the pressure I put upon myself to rise to a, quite honestly, unachievable goal. Not because of what the media puts out there, but because I'm human.
Thu, 2009-05-07 16:25
I am not a Mom yet, but I am a regular Momversation watcher. I am the type of person that puts a lot of planning into my decisions. After watching many stories and reading many articles about motherhood I am terrified that having a baby is going to ruin my body, end my career, suck the fun out of my marriage and make me broke forever. TERRIFIED! I honestly really do want a family but at what cost? Someone please enlighten me.
Thu, 2009-05-07 15:17
It's the same as with anything else - it is what you make it.
Thu, 2009-05-07 16:26
We are all human, we react differently to different situations. My experience with breastfeeding/potty training/discipline is going to be a different story completely than another mother's. Vive la difference, no?
But. We're all in it together. Positive and negative, our stories can enrich others who are walking a similar path. I like Giyen's point that in the blogosphere, we *have* that. You can hit any of the blogher or blogmama, etc. sites and find hundred upon hundreds of stories of motherhood and can pick and choose which speaks to you.
Right now, unfortunately, the media has latched on to the more negative aspects. Tomorrow it'll be a different story. Which is why any newspaper or newsfeed that I read I take with a grain of salt and don't (or try not to) let it effect my everyday walk as a woman and a mom.
Thu, 2009-05-07 12:37
Some people LOVE motherhood. Some people never thought they would be a mother but OOPS! they are one now and they're just learning to deal with it. Moms are all over the board in terms of how they approach motherhood and how they feel about it.
I for one always assumed I'd be a mom. And I also assumed that once I became a mom, I'd just fall into it, know what I was doing and have at least SOME blissful moments. Still waiting on the blissful moments - they're rare. But that's not to say I'm unhappy as a mom. And five years after my first child was born, I still don't have a clue. I have a five year old with an extremely intense/persistent personality and we clash like oil and water. That doesn't mean I think motherhood is "dark." But it's REAL. We all have off days and great days and that's all a part of being a mom.
So when I was a working mom, it was "Oh wow, how do you do it? Work all day and then housework on your time off plus you miss your kids, etc. etc. etc." Now it's, "You're a stay at home mom? And you have a degree too? Not up to much, are you?" like I'm wasting my life. I've realized in the last few months that there's no "template" for motherhood. We all figure it out on our own, what fits best for us and we're not wrong for not doing it all the same way.
Thu, 2009-05-07 11:47
In general I usually keep my opinions on my blog but after seeing this episode and the hypocrisy of it all I just couldn't bite my lip.
Are you kidding me? I'm not the only one who saw some of the panel from momversations on Oprah. The show that was all about the dark side of motherhood. It was all about the drama of the bad and seedy part of parenting.
I don't know if you're all aware of this but that show and what it was trying to say to us didn't go over well with a lot of the blogosphere. We are feed up being spooned feed that this is what motherhood is all about. It's not. It's not for me and it's not for a lot of women.
The media has glorified it because, it's what sells. But programs like this don't help either. You employ one of the most disgruntled mother's out there--Heather Armstrong. She has a book and a website that is all about bad mothering. Ruth Reichl & Ayelet Waldman are other examples of it as well. I can’t turn on NPR, or read a newspaper that doesn’t have an article about how awful and hard motherhood is. Stop. Enough. Bitter is not the new love.
It seems that you can't be an intelligent and educated woman and have a child, without your mind cracking under the pressure. The idea that motherhood makes you crazy and postpartum depression can become lifelong, and moreover, that this is not an uncommon situation...just blows my mind.
Where are the positive stories? I know they’re out there. I read them, I see loving parent’s everyday. I’m honestly afraid that if this is what the media keeps putting out there our children are going go to get a very skewed idea of what parenting is all about.
Thu, 2009-05-07 11:17
Jezebel.com did a GREAT editorial related to this (http://jezebel.com/5210005/sex-and-the-married-girl-the-madonnamom-complex), which they labeled as the Madonna/Mother complex. There's this sense that moms either need to be all nitty-gritty/frazzled "real" mom, or they're upheld as these bastions of honor and self-sacrifice; instead of, ya know, NORMAL women who happen to be moms as well! Motherhood is something to be celebrated, for sure!, but the media typecasts, which completely obliterates the multi-faceted nature of motherhood.
Love Dana's term of 'mama drama'-- SO true! Just look at all the press this entire Jon and Kate Plus 8 fiasco is getting.
Tori Kropp (one of our authors) wrote about this Madonna/Mom phenomenon on her blog, as well, and mentions how the attention she would get from others shifted from "aw your baby is adorable" to "avoid that woman and her wretched, screaming toddler": http://thejoyofpregnancy.com/content/blog/entry/the-madonna-phenomenon/
I think it's important for moms in the blogging world to call the media out on the way they are portraying motherhood! Online, there is an international community of moms and dads that exemplify just how multi-natured parenting really is. I agree with "the monster wrangler" in saying that with posts/conversations like this, we can steady that pendulum!
Thu, 2009-05-07 11:04
Like Asha said, years earlier motherhood was portrayed as this beautiful, perfect, life-long love fest and like everything else in our society, the pendulum swings. And we never get a middle ground. Now parenting is portrayed as a burden.
There are some advantages to this media hype, as were mentioned in the video. But man! I get tired of people making parenting out to be horrendous. And like Dana said, those who enjoy being a mom and do get much of their life's fulfillment out of it are ridiculed.
The next time the pendulum swings we all need to ban together and stop it in the middle!
Thu, 2009-05-07 08:06