Is An Emotional Affair Cheating?

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June 23, 2009

Emotional Affairs is a hot topic these days. Are you cheating on your spouse if you're sharing secrets with someone of the opposite sex online? This article on Redbook Online caught our eye. What about catching up with an old boyfriend on Facebook or e-flirting with a co-worker? Daphne Brogdon from Cool Mom wants to know, Is An Emotional Affair Cheating?

Joining us as a guest in the Momversation is Romi Lassally from Truu Confessions. Join the Momversation by commenting in text or video.

Panelists

Daphne Brogdon - Cool Mom Maggie Mason - Mighty Girl Rebecca Woolf - Girl's Gone Child

Keywords

Friends and Relationships Sex Technology

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22 Comments

Whjuutwn

Lomwefgbnbv

Wed, 2010-03-03 18:31

MomDot

Yes, absolutely. Do I think its ok to have a crush? Sure. I have a crush on Leonardo Dicaprio. Is it ok to pack up and move outside his house and fawn after him....thinking...thinking...still thinking...

No, its not.

You shouldn't be emailing anyone, chatting on the phone, or going to lunch w/ someone that you feel the slightest bit of whatever towards. Template breeds cheating! They are 1st cousins.

Trisha
momdot.com

Thu, 2009-09-17 12:59

insidedog

I was a little concerned as I watched this video that Rebecca was not clear on what an emotional affair actually is (don't get me wrong, LOVE her, she's AMAZING). It seemed to me that she thought that an emotional affair was the equivalent of having platonic friendships outside the marriage? I agree with her that having platonic relationships (and I emphasize PLATONIC) outside marriage is totally fine. That being said, a person knows when lines and boundaries are being crossed and as one panelist said ... if there's a potential there for things to become MORE, then, well, yeah ... not good. And also the issue of hiding things from your spouse or lying about the relationship is not a good sign at all, and I don't think that honesty and trust are a cage! And that's what we're talking about here, isn't it?
Intriguing to say the least.
-Manda

Fri, 2009-07-10 21:52

kristanhoffman

I agree with both Maggie and Rebecca: I don't need to know everything, though I would hope that my boyfriend and I are closer to each other than to anyone else, but it's not until there's that feeling of needing to hide things that I'd actually get concerned.

And I have to agree with nicoleballet's comment that the Redbook list of warning signs is ridiculous. However, the article still sparked good conversation here.

I think the key is to, at some point, discuss with your sig other what constitutes cheating for you two, emotional or physical or whatever. Because that's really the only definition that matters for that relationship.

Mon, 2009-06-29 07:12

brandiwithani

I think cheating is all about deception. Whether it be a touch, a kiss, an email, a wink....if your partner knew about it and would be hurt, then you crossed the line. If you are deliberately hiding something from your spouse, or lying about an interaction with another person, then you're cheating. The bare bones of it varies from couple to couple, but in my mind cheating= deception.

Fri, 2009-06-26 10:43

Brandy S

I believe anything you do or say to someone else that you would not do/say in front of your spouse is cheating. If he walked into the room durning the conversation and you feel guilty that's cheating. If he walks in and you continue talking, your good.

Brandy S

Fri, 2009-06-26 08:40

bethmann15

Well said, Jeni, couldn't agree with you more.

Thu, 2009-06-25 10:39

Jeni

All we have to do is use our heads, trust our guts. You know when you've crossed the line. It's not about not having friends or confidants outside of marriage. Of course we need that. It's about sharing certain intimacies. If you are getting those belly zings, heart flutters, or whateva, from exchanges with the opposite sex, danger just like Maggie said! Run, do not walk the other way. You are setting yourself up for bad news. Keeping those zings and flutters sacred with the hubby is the best way to go.

Thu, 2009-06-25 10:07

mommainthefog

The phrase "emotional affair" is a little sensational for me but I do think there is something to this idea of fidelity being more than a bodily issue. As parents, I think we're all familiar with the difference between doing something because you have to versus doing something because you want to. So there is this question of heart and action--which is the one that really counts? At the point that you want to have an affair and don't, can you still call yourself faithful? Of course, your choices still count, but I think if I knew my spouse was having romantic fantasies about some friend of his, the betrayal would be almost on par with an actual affair.

Wed, 2009-06-24 19:11

VIP09

I have great friends and some of them are men. My husband has many friends and some are women.

We have both been burned with cheating exes. So we know we know where we stand when it comes to emotional and physical cheating. If it feels wrong and if we feel that it would hurt the other to be having this conversation or writing things to another person, we need to re-evaluate that specific friendship.

Wed, 2009-06-24 19:04

bwankel

I think it’s slightly ridiculous to include conversation with others and confiding in others under the same umbrella as the flirting and similar behaviors. Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex that I’m sure we’ve told things we haven’t told each other. I’m on the fence about telling them things you *wouldn’t* tell your spouse, because I, like Maggie, feel like we made a promise to each other to be partners, and to go to each other first with problems. I feel like any secrets I keep from my husband are just like little seeds, and when they’re planted they can grow into bigger and bigger secrets, and secrets I really should not be keeping. But after a while of keeping things from a spouse, it can seem normal to keep the big stuff from them too. I would be really hurt if my husband did that.

But, really, all of us should make our own personal relationship rules and regulations. The way I see it, cheating is anything that A) you would not want your spouse or partner to know that you did, and/or B) you would be hurt knowing your spouse did the same thing to you. If flirting with a coworker makes you feel either of those things, then YES IT IS CHEATING. However, if you and your spouse or partner have the kind of relationship that allows room for a little flirting here and there, and neither of you would take issue with it, then no, that’s not cheating.

Wed, 2009-06-24 14:48

bekah

My parents divorced over an emotional affair.

So, yeah. I think it's still cheating, there are a lot of underlying problems if one spouse has too look outside of the marriage for someone to confide in, or feel validated. You are sharing a part of your heart in a way that is inappropriate, and to consciously look to someone else for something you arent getting from your spouse is an affair. I have male friends that I am close to, but there is a line that cant be crossed there. I don't think I need to know ALL of my husbands business, nor do I think he needs to know ALL of mine, however that is because I trust him. I would be devastated if that trust were broken.

Wed, 2009-06-24 13:46

BookishPenguin

I'm with Rebecca on this one. I don't need to know everything going on with my husband and I recognize that there are things he prefers or needs to talk about with other people, including other women. That's fine. My best friend is male and that's fine, too.

Expressing sexual interest or amorous affection for someone else? Not cool. Being emotionally invested in a friendship outside your marriage? Perfectly fine. We should be emotionally involved with our friends.

I see an emotional affair as one that would be physical if something wasn't holding you back (be that distance or your wits). Like Rebecca, I'm happy to be his wife and NOT his life. The only life I want is my own.

Wed, 2009-06-24 12:19

LetterEleven

Great topic... I'm with Rebecca, BookishPengu and AZ Writer as well.

I do not make a conscious effort to stay within the gender lines when making friends. I gravitate toward HUMANS who possess a particular set of personality traits (funny, witty, smart, great conversationalists, fun to be around), and it makes no difference to me whether they are male or female. I talk and act the same way around them no matter what gender they are, and I expect the same from them.

Also, I agree with AZ Writer that straight males are GREAT friends to have. I can bounce things off of them and get great insight into how to navigate rough spots with the straight male I live with (and am crazy in love with, by the way). Guy friends are also AWESOME because they are WAY low-maintenance, much more so than my girlfriends. My husband knows how I feel about this, and he has no problems with it whatsoever... but that's because he is secure with himself, and with our relationship. He also understands that I'm not REPLACING him with these other relationships... I'm just supplementing, if you will, my need for social and APPROPRIATE emotional interaction by cultivating friendships with other people... who, yes, happen to be both male and female.

I think it's a shame that so many women feel threatened when their partners make friends with other women... they always believe the worst is going to happen. I understand the concern because I know that plutonic turns romantic all too often -- but that's because, as others have noted, something in the marriage was amiss to begin with. But as a woman who has several close male friends, I'm here to tell you that some of us truly have the best intentions... and that is simply to maintain great and lasting friendships.

Thu, 2009-06-25 11:59

nicnicnic

ditto. i attempted a video comment on this yesterday and it didn't load... so i'll just leave it at "ditto."

i think "emotional affairs" are overanalyzed.

Thu, 2009-06-25 06:40

AZ Writer

I think there is definitely a "line" to be crossed, and I'd agree that's right about where an emotion affair has physical-affair potential, or even makes you want such potential. But outside of that, I think the particular people and their personalities really dictate what's OK and not OK and even what's best for the emotional health of both partners. I am really low-maintenance emotion-wise. Like, I never overreact, never really even react, to most things. But relationship stuff is one of my few exceptions. I need someone to listen sometimes, offer emotional support, be on my side even when it's my fault, all that. But there's just one problem: in this case, my husband IS the problem. I've always fallen firmly on the side of "my husband should be my main, close to only, emotional support," and that I should never tell anyone anything that I wouldn't tell him. And he's a little insecure about me going to anyone else for emotional support, and it's never really a problem because he offers support in spades. But I can't really cry to him ... about him. So that's sort of become our one exception. I DO sometimes tell other people, including straight guys my own age, about our relationship issues. In fact, straight guy friends my own age are my favorite ones to go to in these cases because 1) they don't blab to others; and 2) they have an insider's perspective on the whole issue. I only do this very occasionally, but it is telling these guys things I don't tell my husband, and offering equal emotional support if they need it. It works for us. My husband is fine with it. In fact, he's admitted he's done the same thing, with women. We just need some outside party sometimes, you know? Because really, we are on the same page and would do anything for each other. But we just like to be right sometimes, have someone saying "Yeah, I hear you. He is a jerk." Then we come back home to each other.

It can go deeper than that, and I do have very close relationships with some of these guys. It just adds to my emotional health. The only problem I can see other than turning emotional connections into affairs is if you seek/have a connection with someone you USED to be with. Maybe it's because I'm from a hick town, but around here we all have friends we used to date, or who wanted to date us, or who we'll always remember because of that one night after the football game... I try not to make these guys my main extra-marital emotional support. It just seems smart to leave it at being really good friends and doing the "Do we hug or shake hands" dance when we get together every month or so.

Really interesting topic and great treatment, everyone. I really liked your perspective, Romy!

Wed, 2009-06-24 11:23

Cat3KidsandUs

I suppose if you're going to discuss emotional affairs you would have to define what that means to you and share that with your spouse.

Some defining characteristics of an EA to me would be sharing any aspect of your life with the opposite sex that you won't share with your spouse.

A single conversation = venting
An ongoing discussion = affair

For me, an emotional affair would be far more devastating than a physical affair.

Wed, 2009-06-24 10:56

nicoleballet

I'm just reading Redbook's article and I can't say I agree with them completely with these ones:

"YOU'VE PROBABLY CROSSED THE LINE IF YOU...

* Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer.
* Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him.
* Think crush-like thoughts like, He'd love this song!
* Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner."

Um... ok I'd say the second bullet point is a warning sign, but seriously 'crossed the line'?? This constitutes cheating?? I disagree. The first one I think is totally ridiculous. The third one is vague, I send silly things like youtube videos to my guy friends all the time that I think they'd like. The fourth one? My husband does not care to hear about my work day in detail whereas a coworker knows exactly what I'm talking about. I don't really see that one as a warning sign. Obviously, if I'm going into personal details with a coworker that'd be a different story.

Cheating to me is when you are dishonest to a point where you need to tell your husband. I don't think any of this is cheating. It may be a sign that you need to explore your relationship further, but do you need to run home and say, "honey, I was flirting I'm SO SORRY" ?? In my opinion, no. I think Redbook exaggerates a bit much. Seriously, everyone knows when they're doing something that would make their spouse feel uncomfortable if they were standing right next to them. And since 75% of my workplace is male, I'm not going to freak out and question my marriage when I brush lint off of someone's shirt, or when I have a half hour rant-fest with a coworker about our mutual work problems.

Wed, 2009-06-24 08:23

Val2260

The way I see it is if one shares feelings, secrets, and precious thoughts with someone else either than their spouse then the marriage is in trouble to begin with. I would be heart broken if I found out my husband did not think that we were at that intimate level and had to find someone else to share it with. Emotional affair...physical affair....all in the same boat and definately cheating.

Wed, 2009-06-24 06:46

starrlife

As a person who's marriage has survived a physical affair I have to say that an emotional affair is not about confiding or having male friends/or female friends or talking, even about deep things. It is about having that "special feeling" when you talk to them, it is about going out of your way, to feel drawn to someone else emotionally in a way that is warm, intimate and more validating and intimate (or growing to be) than the person you are married to. It can be online, at work, with clients or co workers, it could even be your therapist! Of course therapy is supposed to be a place where the therapist is in control and safe so that is often a normal place to feel that way. And a proper therapist ( since there are those who prey on this vulnerability- for shame!) is often encouraging for you to take what you talk about and share it with your spouse. A person with whom it is a slippery slope is one who wants you increasingly all to themselves and the bond just gets tighter and tighter until.... trouble as Maggie says Danger, Danger! I also agree with Maggie that is is the emotional piece of an affair that is the most dangerous and most to be worried about in re: to the actual risk to the marriage. Infidelity websites are full of spouses who cheated that report and describe the slope very well and it almost always starts with the emotional hook and the ones who leave their wives/spouses are the ones most "in love" and then the ones who stay "detox" and get out of the "fog" and recognize the powerful undertow of sex and conversation/validation outside of marriage. Some are like waking up out of a dream- it can be like a drug seeking that validation and intimate connection.
So- sorry for the length- go out and have friends of all kinds but be prepared, if there are any gaps in the marriage and there is an extra secret or sparkle in the eye when you or they are with that friend then it has moved from a friendship to an emotional affair, in my opinion of course!

Wed, 2009-06-24 05:27

kimchi mama

I totally think an emotional affair is cheating. In some ways, it is MORE devastating than a purely sexual affair.

His Needs, Her Needs is a great book about marriage that talks about this issue very well.

I would be totally devastated to find out that my husband had emotionally connected to someone more deeply than with me... and I would never want to connect emotionally with another man than I do with my husband. I don't know... it doesn't mean that I have to tell everything to my husband (he would hate that too) and that I CAN'T connect emotionally with another person... just it shouldn't be as deeply as I do with him... because HE is my partner in life... not the other person.

Wed, 2009-06-24 00:36

bethany Coffey

Um, yeah...so as far as i'm concerned, this is pretty black and white, cut and dry! If I had a relationship with another man whom I felt gave me something that I wasn't getting from my spouse...whether it be conversation, support, or even friendship laced with flirtation...that is inappropriate and well on the way to, if not already...infidelity! If at the bottom of it all is a desire to be validated by a person other than one's spouse, on a romantic or sexual level, that is wrong. If I don't feel like I can, or WANT to be my man's number one go to, and he the same with me, then there is a problem. My husband not telling me everything is one thing (within reason)...telling someone OTHER than me, another woman, for instance, is a whole other ball of wax. When I married, I was vowed the right to be my husband's main confidante, and vice versa. And I gotta say, I totally disagree with Rebecca's assertion that it is not her place to know all of her husband's business. As his wife, yes, it is precisely her place.
Good topic ladies, and as always, any dissenting opinions are meant to be conveyed respectfully!

Wed, 2009-06-24 00:17