Um, yeah...so as far as i'm concerned, this is pretty black and white, cut and dry! If I had a relationship with another man whom I felt gave me something that I wasn't getting from my spouse...whether it be conversation, support, or even friendship laced with flirtation...that is inappropriate and well on the way to, if not already...infidelity! If at the bottom of it all is a desire to be validated by a person other than one's spouse, on a romantic or sexual level, that is wrong. If I don't feel like I can, or WANT to be my man's number one go to, and he the same with me, then there is a problem. My husband not telling me everything is one thing (within reason)...telling someone OTHER than me, another woman, for instance, is a whole other ball of wax. When I married, I was vowed the right to be my husband's main confidante, and vice versa. And I gotta say, I totally disagree with Rebecca's assertion that it is not her place to know all of her husband's business. As his wife, yes, it is precisely her place. Good topic ladies, and as always, any dissenting opinions are meant to be conveyed respectfully!

I totally think an emotional affair is cheating. In some ways, it is MORE devastating than a purely sexual affair. His Needs, Her Needs is a great book about marriage that talks about this issue very well. I would be totally devastated to find out that my husband had emotionally connected to someone more deeply than with me... and I would never want to connect emotionally with another man than I do with my husband. I don't know... it doesn't mean that I have to tell everything to my husband (he would hate that too) and that I CAN'T connect emotionally with another person... just it shouldn't be as deeply as I do with him... because HE is my partner in life... not the other person.

As a person who's marriage has survived a physical affair I have to say that an emotional affair is not about confiding or having male friends/or female friends or talking, even about deep things. It is about having that "special feeling" when you talk to them, it is about going out of your way, to feel drawn to someone else emotionally in a way that is warm, intimate and more validating and intimate (or growing to be) than the person you are married to. It can be online, at work, with clients or co workers, it could even be your therapist! Of course therapy is supposed to be a place where the therapist is in control and safe so that is often a normal place to feel that way. And a proper therapist ( since there are those who prey on this vulnerability- for shame!) is often encouraging for you to take what you talk about and share it with your spouse. A person with whom it is a slippery slope is one who wants you increasingly all to themselves and the bond just gets tighter and tighter until.... trouble as Maggie says Danger, Danger! I also agree with Maggie that is is the emotional piece of an affair that is the most dangerous and most to be worried about in re: to the actual risk to the marriage. Infidelity websites are full of spouses who cheated that report and describe the slope very well and it almost always starts with the emotional hook and the ones who leave their wives/spouses are the ones most "in love" and then the ones who stay "detox" and get out of the "fog" and recognize the powerful undertow of sex and conversation/validation outside of marriage. Some are like waking up out of a dream- it can be like a drug seeking that validation and intimate connection. So- sorry for the length- go out and have friends of all kinds but be prepared, if there are any gaps in the marriage and there is an extra secret or sparkle in the eye when you or they are with that friend then it has moved from a friendship to an emotional affair, in my opinion of course!

The way I see it is if one shares feelings, secrets, and precious thoughts with someone else either than their spouse then the marriage is in trouble to begin with. I would be heart broken if I found out my husband did not think that we were at that intimate level and had to find someone else to share it with. Emotional affair...physical affair....all in the same boat and definately cheating.

I'm just reading Redbook's article and I can't say I agree with them completely with these ones: "YOU'VE PROBABLY CROSSED THE LINE IF YOU... * Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer. * Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him. * Think crush-like thoughts like, He'd love this song! * Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner." Um... ok I'd say the second bullet point is a warning sign, but seriously 'crossed the line'?? This constitutes cheating?? I disagree. The first one I think is totally ridiculous. The third one is vague, I send silly things like youtube videos to my guy friends all the time that I think they'd like. The fourth one? My husband does not care to hear about my work day in detail whereas a coworker knows exactly what I'm talking about. I don't really see that one as a warning sign. Obviously, if I'm going into personal details with a coworker that'd be a different story. Cheating to me is when you are dishonest to a point where you need to tell your husband. I don't think any of this is cheating. It may be a sign that you need to explore your relationship further, but do you need to run home and say, "honey, I was flirting I'm SO SORRY" ?? In my opinion, no. I think Redbook exaggerates a bit much. Seriously, everyone knows when they're doing something that would make their spouse feel uncomfortable if they were standing right next to them. And since 75% of my workplace is male, I'm not going to freak out and question my marriage when I brush lint off of someone's shirt, or when I have a half hour rant-fest with a coworker about our mutual work problems.

I suppose if you're going to discuss emotional affairs you would have to define what that means to you and share that with your spouse. Some defining characteristics of an EA to me would be sharing any aspect of your life with the opposite sex that you won't share with your spouse. A single conversation = venting An ongoing discussion = affair For me, an emotional affair would be far more devastating than a physical affair.

I think there is definitely a "line" to be crossed, and I'd agree that's right about where an emotion affair has physical-affair potential, or even makes you want such potential. But outside of that, I think the particular people and their personalities really dictate what's OK and not OK and even what's best for the emotional health of both partners. I am really low-maintenance emotion-wise. Like, I never overreact, never really even react, to most things. But relationship stuff is one of my few exceptions. I need someone to listen sometimes, offer emotional support, be on my side even when it's my fault, all that. But there's just one problem: in this case, my husband IS the problem. I've always fallen firmly on the side of "my husband should be my main, close to only, emotional support," and that I should never tell anyone anything that I wouldn't tell him. And he's a little insecure about me going to anyone else for emotional support, and it's never really a problem because he offers support in spades. But I can't really cry to him ... about him. So that's sort of become our one exception. I DO sometimes tell other people, including straight guys my own age, about our relationship issues. In fact, straight guy friends my own age are my favorite ones to go to in these cases because 1) they don't blab to others; and 2) they have an insider's perspective on the whole issue. I only do this very occasionally, but it is telling these guys things I don't tell my husband, and offering equal emotional support if they need it. It works for us. My husband is fine with it. In fact, he's admitted he's done the same thing, with women. We just need some outside party sometimes, you know? Because really, we are on the same page and would do anything for each other. But we just like to be right sometimes, have someone saying "Yeah, I hear you. He is a jerk." Then we come back home to each other. It can go deeper than that, and I do have very close relationships with some of these guys. It just adds to my emotional health. The only problem I can see other than turning emotional connections into affairs is if you seek/have a connection with someone you USED to be with. Maybe it's because I'm from a hick town, but around here we all have friends we used to date, or who wanted to date us, or who we'll always remember because of that one night after the football game... I try not to make these guys my main extra-marital emotional support. It just seems smart to leave it at being really good friends and doing the "Do we hug or shake hands" dance when we get together every month or so. Really interesting topic and great treatment, everyone. I really liked your perspective, Romy!

I'm with Rebecca on this one. I don't need to know everything going on with my husband and I recognize that there are things he prefers or needs to talk about with other people, including other women. That's fine. My best friend is male and that's fine, too. Expressing sexual interest or amorous affection for someone else? Not cool. Being emotionally invested in a friendship outside your marriage? Perfectly fine. We should be emotionally involved with our friends. I see an emotional affair as one that would be physical if something wasn't holding you back (be that distance or your wits). Like Rebecca, I'm happy to be his wife and NOT his life. The only life I want is my own.

My parents divorced over an emotional affair. So, yeah. I think it's still cheating, there are a lot of underlying problems if one spouse has too look outside of the marriage for someone to confide in, or feel validated. You are sharing a part of your heart in a way that is inappropriate, and to consciously look to someone else for something you arent getting from your spouse is an affair. I have male friends that I am close to, but there is a line that cant be crossed there. I don't think I need to know ALL of my husbands business, nor do I think he needs to know ALL of mine, however that is because I trust him. I would be devastated if that trust were broken.

I think it’s slightly ridiculous to include conversation with others and confiding in others under the same umbrella as the flirting and similar behaviors. Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex that I’m sure we’ve told things we haven’t told each other. I’m on the fence about telling them things you *wouldn’t* tell your spouse, because I, like Maggie, feel like we made a promise to each other to be partners, and to go to each other first with problems. I feel like any secrets I keep from my husband are just like little seeds, and when they’re planted they can grow into bigger and bigger secrets, and secrets I really should not be keeping. But after a while of keeping things from a spouse, it can seem normal to keep the big stuff from them too. I would be really hurt if my husband did that. But, really, all of us should make our own personal relationship rules and regulations. The way I see it, cheating is anything that A) you would not want your spouse or partner to know that you did, and/or B) you would be hurt knowing your spouse did the same thing to you. If flirting with a coworker makes you feel either of those things, then YES IT IS CHEATING. However, if you and your spouse or partner have the kind of relationship that allows room for a little flirting here and there, and neither of you would take issue with it, then no, that’s not cheating.