I think that unless you AND your husband can keep complete control and not call each other names or do worse, then a disagreement in front of a child could teach them something about life and how to handle themselves in conflict. But they will mirror you so if you are ashamed of the way you react in a confrontation then maybe you shouldn't preform in front of little eyes. I also think it's important that the argument doesn't threaten their feeling of safety in their world or involve them in any way in case they might later blame themselves for it . It's a tricky thing because you cannot always predict how an argument will unfold and what kind of fight it could lead to. The child might not always understand what the context is either so I think the parents should be very careful when fighting in front of the child. If you know that they outcome might not end in hugs and adoration then skip it for a later time. Because otherwise what is the child to do? Follow you when you storm out of the room or follow daddy? Or worse, be left alone in a room after both parents storm out. Think of the child first. It's hard for sure! Especially when the only time you really have with your husband is when your baby is attached to you. My husband and I have had arguments while sitting next to each other via texts while our daughter is nursing or playing quietly in between us. Ha ha seems silly but it works! At the least we get sick of texting and just let it go unless it's important enough to hold on to until later. And even then, we still kiss each other goodnight and make damned sure our daughter sees us make up even if it's b.s.

I"m not proud to say this, but my husband and I have had a "less than perfect" marriage and we have, on occasion, lost our tempers with each other within earshot of the kids. My parents rarely fought in front of us, and now, 47 years later, my mom is confessing things about her relationship with my dad that shock and surprise me. She admits to "shielding" us from their woes so that we wouldn't have to deal with it, but as an adult I never learned what fair (or unfair) conflict resolution might be. To that end, my husband and I have made our mistakes, but have learned how to handle our conflicts open and honestly, and we discuss those rationally with or without our kids. Our kids are older now (21, 18, 13). One refreshing thing I will say about them is that they are candid and honest with us about their feelings, and will tell, argue or discuss things with us that they know may not necessarily be what we want to hear as parents. But the conflicts that we have are dialogues; the kids will talk to us and bolster their points with their own brand of debate, and more times than not we will come to a resolution. They can argue constructively with us and with each other, and the end result is usually a meeting of the minds. I can see now how my mother suffered because she kept everything hidden and bottled in because of "the kids." Now me and my grown siblings sometimes react to her current state of honesty about their marriage with a big, "Huh?" because we were not aware of the pain she was in due to subversive, secretive arguments and disagreements. That being said, my dad has been deceased for 12 years, so I think she feels safe in revealing to us her sadness during those times; we are now the same age she was when she was going through her lonely, dark periods with my dad. Finally, arguing to me is stressful and counterproductive. My husband and I have been married 25 years and we have certainly had our share of "unfair" arguments (Name calling, etc.). Over the years, and through our kids, we've been able to temper arguments to more resemble heated discussions. We even agree to disagree, an then go back to watching a ballgame together. In essence, we've learned that the time spent arguing can be better spent healing and growing together, and after 25 years we want to maximize the good times that we know we can have.

This is a topic that a lot more parents should discuss. There are so many degrees of an argument- from simply expressing irritation, to outright yelling. The very last thing that Asha said was the only thing that I take issue with, because sometimes, if mom and daddy are arguing, not loving one another could be EXACTLY what it means. Sometimes the two parents themselves don't even know the answer to that. However, regardless of the reason for the dispute, people need to practice treating ANY person with respect- despite whether or not someone shares your views and especially those closest to you(as its much easier to be more brutally honest with those close to you). Giyen brought up an interesting point. That very point is one of the biggest problems IN THE WORLD- some of us do not know how to disagree and argue. There are those who are looking for a resolution, but also those who enjoy the conflict, those who insist on being right, those who avoid confrontation and cause fights as a result...etc. etc. In my opinion, how we've learned to argue and settle conflicts, should be as common of question as any other question regarding core beliefs and values. "What do you do for a living?" "What's your religion?" "What are you like when you're angry?" Before I got married, I took my boyfriend (at the time) to a bar and intentionally bought too many drnks to see what type of drunk he would be. Immature? Maybe. Manipulative? Perhaps. But by then I knew he was only a social drinker and after that night, I learned he was a happy drunk and not an abusive yellie, control freak. I intended to have children with him and I wanted a glimpse of those "heat of the moment" behaviors up front. I am by no means perfect, but have tried my entire adulthood to treat others as I'd like to be treated. Someone who is focused on resolving conflicts rather than perpetuating them, showing respect despite the circumstances, knowing when to aplogize and being able to admit when they are wrong. The same qualities that were important for me to have were important to receive. Lately, I have been seeing the direct effects of children I know who've watched their parents repeatedley ineffective communication over the years. Some of those children are having tons of trouble with respecting teacher's and friends at school, others are so emotionally distraught that I've lost sleep over it thinking of them. Too many people go ahead with the argument in the heat of the moment, in front of the children and don't bother with the resolution aspect. Studies have shown that when some parents are ready to resolve things, its in private sometime later and away from the children who never get to see the resolution. What really bugs me is parents who blame the other person for their outburst; that they were provoked and it couldn't be helped. As a parent, one of the biggest sacrfices you make is having to more closely monitor your own behavior in the heat of the moment, because as a parent, someone is always watching and how that person/s handles their future heated moments is learned by watching yours.

I think people need to make a clear distinction between arguing and yelling... arguing does not have to include yelling. Yelling would be very scary for a lot of children, but arguing (i.e. debating, perhaps even a bit heated) should be okay because arguments should always be level-headed. I've never seen two adults call each other names and hit below the belt in an argument... to me that would indicate other problems anyway.

We are going through a really tough time right now and while neither of us are yellers, things get very tense. We've done our best to keep things away from our child, but we've realized that our child is at the very least, picking up on that tension. So we've been honest, just telling our child that Mommy and Daddy are working on some things and it's kind of an icky time. We used the word "icky" because our child is in kindergarten and that seemed to be a word that our child could easily identify with. Plus, we just like saying "icky."

I'm with Giyen on this one. My parents are divorced and for the last 3 years of their marriage, they fought like rabid dogs. Now that I'm married, whenever my husband and I disagree about something, unless it's a major issue, I like to just let it lie. I used to lock myself in the bathroom crying if we ever had a fight because I thought my marriage was over. We've since dealt with that issue and I don't do that so much any more. We don't often fight, but when we do it's typically over something trivial and it's because one or both of us is tired or in a bad mood. I try not to do *that* kind of fighting in front of our son. A petty fight consists of petty insults and really immature conflict "resolution". And that's not teaching him a thing about arguing constructively. I guess what I'm saying is, fighting in front of your kids is ok. Just pick your battles, and leave the stupid stuff for when the kids are not around.

i use to agree that it was okay to argue in front of my children, until i came home from work, on august 27th 2008 and found a cps agent at my home taking my children. it seems that when my husband and i argued it scared my son and he asked for help at his school. we just yelled at each other i did not see that it scared my son that bad. but he was scared for me now after begging that woman not to take my kids and the police officer telling her she was crazy and she was the one that was in the wrong she let me take my kids and leave with them. about a week and half i called the cps office to find out when i could go home with my children and get them back into their routine and i could go back to work and my husband and i could hold on to what little bit we did have, they told me we could not return home until counseling and anger management was done. well after you take the assessment for anger management (which noone on earth could ever pass) we went through 5 months of someone coming to our home and talking with us. needless to say i have not seen or spoken to my cps worker since nov.27, that's a lie my husband had to have open heart surgery on dec.21, i called to tell her why we missed our meeting with the homestead worker, she said to keep her informed. anyway we are suppose to see her at least once a month and she doesnt call or just show up. now we have out anger management certificates and completed all she had told us to do and we still havent heard anything about our case being closed. now after that story, we thought the same way that our kids need to learn to stand up for all that they believe is right no matter what anyone says to them. sticks and stones. well you better make sure that when you argue in front of your kids that they do not fear for anyones safty no matter how small the disagreement is. or if they do have them speak freely on their feelings about what had happened. i use to say you have to be a really really bad parent for these people to take your kids away, but you dont one mistake and they are gone. if your mouth is hanging wide open trust me mine is everytime this crosses my mind. i am sorry for taking up so much space i just dont wont anyone to go through this mess that doesnt deserve to. i am almost in tears now just trying to get the message out.

I agree. 'Arguing in front of your children changes who they are' is a ridiculous statement. I DO want to change who they are - I want them to LEARN to debate effectively and with respect for others - not to continue on for the rest of their lives in a stagnant, infantile state thinking adults don't debate or argue. Ever. That's a ridiculous and irresponsible impression to leave children with. Abuse in front of your children harms them - but debate and respectful disagreements help children grow and learn.

IMHO a debate can be in front of the kids - or involving the kids if they're older or impacted by the issue - as long as it remains respectful. SO and I debate around the kids, but there are rules of conduct and expectations of each other. The kids are welcome to voice their opinions on matters that impact their lives - but the final decision after weighing all contributions belongs to the parents. Arguing, nit picking and abuse that crosses the line of respectful is not acceptable to us. Our rule is "keep it respectful, or keep quiet". Kids need to see effective, respectful debates and discussions in relationships - not just for marriages, but for writing papers, discussing issues in school, standing up to bullies, asserting themselves with their future boss(es), challenging a toxic friend... and eventually their own relationships... there's lots of real life situations where a well-formulated argument and a respectful debating style will serve them well. Being falsely happy in front of the kids and never arguing - but being miserable - leaves the child with no debate skills in the future - and the impression that passive aggressive behaviour is a reasonable, effective coping mechanism. That isn't going to help anyone. Kids almost ALWAYS know you're arguing. I can't tell you how many kids from toxic households have told me they knew about arguments even when their parents thought they were being clever and secretive. You can't pop a video in, plunk your child in front of the set and go hiss at each other in the kitchen - the kids know what you're doing - and that's what they're learning. Life isn't a sit-com, you can't avoid debates with others in your family. Why not embrace them instead - but in a healthy, effective and useful manner. Give your kids tools for real life, not a vacuum. http://momartfully.typepad.com/

I grew up in a household where I never saw my parents argue. I MIGHT have seem them argue 2 or 3 times my entire life - and this is not because they were hiding things or slogging it out behind closed doors or secretly miserable. My parents are just really (grossly) happy together. Sure, they argue, but it is really infrequent and I think they did make an effort not to do so in front of me and my siblings. This doesn't mean we thought things were peachy all the time. We knew when money was tight (always) and when their jobs were stressful, etc, but their marriage was the rock that our family was built on and something we never worried about. The downside is that I grew up thinking that if you argued, then the relationship was bad - I thought (even at age 30) that if you were in a good relationship, that meant you never argued - that arguing meant the relationship was bad, not meant to be, and should be over. Needless to say, my husband has done a lot of work with me on this and I will be sure that we have reasonable arguments in front of our children (when we have them) because I don't want them to grow up thinking arguing is abnormal.