Fighting In Front of Your Kids

My husband is a product of a nasty divorce and also the child of some pretty unusual parents who are still single (as in, no relationship whatsoever) even though he is in his mid-30s. He said that growing up, he dealt with a lot of very passive aggressive fighting between two people who would not compromise, speak honestly, or openly express their frustrations. This is something I have to deal with every time we have an argument or a heated discussion. I have to remind him over and over again that we are not his parents and we can't deal with our issues in the same way. He does not mean to do it but it comes out this way frequently (albeit, less and less- Thank God!).

My daughter is still very little but I worry abut this topic because I do not want her to spend an X number of decades getting over her childhood family environment when she is an adult.

Fri, 2009-02-20 05:06

I married a man whose parents never fought in front of him. Ever. Mostly because his dad was only home on weekends due to his job. Because of this, my hubs tends to freak out at any sort of sign of conflict. Every little issue, he thinks stems from a huge bigger issue. Because if everything were good, we wouldn't fight at all, about anything? I'm not sure where the logic lies there.

And I come from a family of squabblers. Or rather a mother who likes to pick. And pick. and pick and pick and pick and PICK! My parents also had the bad habit of talking about each other not so nicely when the other wasn't around. This is something I catch myself doing with my friends every once and a while.

So we try and meet in the middle where I need him to tell me more of his issues, and I am choosier about which ones are really important to take up with him about.

I do think it's important to show your kids that a healthy relationship is going to have some conflict, and even more important to show how to communicate through that and come to a resolution with respect and love. Was that cheesy enough for you all? Rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, buttercups. oxoxoxoxox

Fri, 2009-02-20 07:46

I absolutely think that arguing in front of your kids is healthy. My husband and I fight fair, which means we don't name call, and we stick to the issue at hand. We don't argue a ton, and I'm not going to orchestrate those arguments so that they take place behind closed doors. Anytime you have 5 people living under one roof, there's going to be conflict. Learning how to handle that conflict is teaching life skills to your kids, the same way you'd teach them how to balance a checkbook or prune the garden.

Fri, 2009-02-20 11:10

I agree with the panelists and disagree in the same time.

Yes, it's important for a kid to learn how to work out problems with his/her spouse, but the way of behaving in a conflict and the manner of expressing ones point of view is very-very important too.

I think, there is something kids can understand better, than words: your attitude to the person, you argue with, and your aim in this conflict. When it's a real fight, that shows that you don't love this man any more - that might be traumatic for a child. I remember myself as a kid: my parents always went to the kitchen to argue, and I was very-very scared of their shouting. I felt like the walls of my family are falling apart...

So I think there are different kinds of conflicts: with and without love. First one is constructive and can teach children how to work out things - that's what Asha was talking about. And the second one is harmful and has nothing good at all - that's what Giyenn discribed...

Sat, 2009-02-21 01:27

I absolutely have a strong opinion on this.

When you're a kid, everything bad is 100,000 times worse than it really is - everything good is 100,000 times more freaking fabulous than it really is.

So when your parents fight, it's stressful - and as a kid, you feel totally insecure in how stable your family is. Your friends have divorced parents and THEY said THEIR parents fought, so that means your family will soon fall apart too...

When we were young, my dad yelled at my mom a lot. She kept the house clean and brought in more money than him - but he still found whatever to be mad at. My mother never ever ever raised her voice and was completely calm and took the yelling from my dad. So now a lot of my childhood memories are of my dad being a complete monster, terrorizing the household, and my mother being an absolute angel. They're divorced now but we hardly ever see my dad and we recently invited my mother to come live with us.

If youre going to fight in front of your kids, BE CAREFUL! NO NAME CALLING. They should know there's a resonable disagreement and you're working on a solution... resonably

Sat, 2009-02-21 16:10

I grew up in a household where I never saw my parents argue. I MIGHT have seem them argue 2 or 3 times my entire life - and this is not because they were hiding things or slogging it out behind closed doors or secretly miserable. My parents are just really (grossly) happy together. Sure, they argue, but it is really infrequent and I think they did make an effort not to do so in front of me and my siblings.

This doesn't mean we thought things were peachy all the time. We knew when money was tight (always) and when their jobs were stressful, etc, but their marriage was the rock that our family was built on and something we never worried about.

The downside is that I grew up thinking that if you argued, then the relationship was bad - I thought (even at age 30) that if you were in a good relationship, that meant you never argued - that arguing meant the relationship was bad, not meant to be, and should be over. Needless to say, my husband has done a lot of work with me on this and I will be sure that we have reasonable arguments in front of our children (when we have them) because I don't want them to grow up thinking arguing is abnormal.

Tue, 2009-02-24 09:24

i use to agree that it was okay to argue in front of my children, until i came home from work, on august 27th 2008 and found a cps agent at my home taking my children. it seems that when my husband and i argued it scared my son and he asked for help at his school. we just yelled at each other i did not see that it scared my son that bad. but he was scared for me now after begging that woman not to take my kids and the police officer telling her she was crazy and she was the one that was in the wrong she let me take my kids and leave with them. about a week and half i called the cps office to find out when i could go home with my children and get them back into their routine and i could go back to work and my husband and i could hold on to what little bit we did have, they told me we could not return home until counseling and anger management was done. well after you take the assessment for anger management (which noone on earth could ever pass) we went through 5 months of someone coming to our home and talking with us. needless to say i have not seen or spoken to my cps worker since nov.27, that's a lie my husband had to have open heart surgery on dec.21, i called to tell her why we missed our meeting with the homestead worker, she said to keep her informed. anyway we are suppose to see her at least once a month and she doesnt call or just show up. now we have out anger management certificates and completed all she had told us to do and we still havent heard anything about our case being closed. now after that story, we thought the same way that our kids need to learn to stand up for all that they believe is right no matter what anyone says to them. sticks and stones. well you better make sure that when you argue in front of your kids that they do not fear for anyones safty no matter how small the disagreement is. or if they do have them speak freely on their feelings about what had happened. i use to say you have to be a really really bad parent for these people to take your kids away, but you dont one mistake and they are gone. if your mouth is hanging wide open trust me mine is everytime this crosses my mind. i am sorry for taking up so much space i just dont wont anyone to go through this mess that doesnt deserve to. i am almost in tears now just trying to get the message out.

Tue, 2009-02-24 18:18

We are going through a really tough time right now and while neither of us are yellers, things get very tense. We've done our best to keep things away from our child, but we've realized that our child is at the very least, picking up on that tension. So we've been honest, just telling our child that Mommy and Daddy are working on some things and it's kind of an icky time. We used the word "icky" because our child is in kindergarten and that seemed to be a word that our child could easily identify with. Plus, we just like saying "icky."

Wed, 2009-02-25 17:28

This is a topic that a lot more parents should discuss. There are so many degrees of an argument- from simply expressing irritation, to outright yelling. The very last thing that Asha said was the only thing that I take issue with, because sometimes, if mom and daddy are arguing, not loving one another could be EXACTLY what it means. Sometimes the two parents themselves don't even know the answer to that. However, regardless of the reason for the dispute, people need to practice treating ANY person with respect- despite whether or not someone shares your views and especially those closest to you(as its much easier to be more brutally honest with those close to you). Giyen brought up an interesting point. That very point is one of the biggest problems IN THE WORLD- some of us do not know how to disagree and argue. There are those who are looking for a resolution, but also those who enjoy the conflict, those who insist on being right, those who avoid confrontation and cause fights as a result...etc. etc.

In my opinion, how we've learned to argue and settle conflicts, should be as common of question as any other question regarding core beliefs and values. "What do you do for a living?" "What's your religion?" "What are you like when you're angry?" Before I got married, I took my boyfriend (at the time) to a bar and intentionally bought too many drnks to see what type of drunk he would be. Immature? Maybe. Manipulative? Perhaps. But by then I knew he was only a social drinker and after that night, I learned he was a happy drunk and not an abusive yellie, control freak. I intended to have children with him and I wanted a glimpse of those "heat of the moment" behaviors up front. I am by no means perfect, but have tried my entire adulthood to treat others as I'd like to be treated. Someone who is focused on resolving conflicts rather than perpetuating them, showing respect despite the circumstances, knowing when to aplogize and being able to admit when they are wrong. The same qualities that were important for me to have were important to receive.

Lately, I have been seeing the direct effects of children I know who've watched their parents repeatedley ineffective communication over the years. Some of those children are having tons of trouble with respecting teacher's and friends at school, others are so emotionally distraught that I've lost sleep over it thinking of them.

Too many people go ahead with the argument in the heat of the moment, in front of the children and don't bother with the resolution aspect. Studies have shown that when some parents are ready to resolve things, its in private sometime later and away from the children who never get to see the resolution.

What really bugs me is parents who blame the other person for their outburst; that they were provoked and it couldn't be helped. As a parent, one of the biggest sacrfices you make is having to more closely monitor your own behavior in the heat of the moment, because as a parent, someone is always watching and how that person/s handles their future heated moments is learned by watching yours.

Thu, 2009-03-26 12:23