February 04, 2009
Welcome to our first guest panelist, Michelle Lamar, the Entertainment Buzz Editor of CafeMom! She joins our Momversation panelists in discussing how to attain that elusive "me time." Moms are used to caring for others, but do they spend any energy caring for themselves? Mindy Roberts from The Mommy Blog asks, "How do you find time just for yourself?"
What are ways that you snag a little alone time? Or is alone time just a pipe dream? Join the Momversation by commenting in our related forums below:
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56 Comments
Ewgwergjhvw
Thu, 2010-03-04 09:38
Lomwefgbnbv
Wed, 2010-03-03 17:03
I am a single parent with absolute 100% custody of my son. I don't have anyone to split the load with as far as seeing to Kaleb and his daily needs.
I feel that in order to be a good (and totally sane) mom to him, I need to have some time to myself. That could mean going to Starbucks with a book and sitting for an hour, going out to dinner with friends, or even just enjoying a bubble bath in peace and quiet.
With the exception of weekends, he is in bed at 8 every night. That way, I have at least two hours to myself before going to bed. Most of the time I spend those hours cleaning and getting ready for the next day, blogging or just sitting in bed reading. But it's nice to get that time to myself to do what I want without having to be in "mommy-mode".
Tue, 2009-02-17 08:06
I'm sorry but I was not being harsh, it's called being honest. Are we really helping anyone by blowing smoke up their asses? There's NO excuse to have that tree up and have time to made the video, then complain you don't have anytime.
Seriously all the time you women take to twitter, moversation, blog, facebook, and all the other things you have going and then you wonder why you don't have any free time? Really? Turn off the computer, go to the park with your kids, put down the camera to take pictures to share with the Internet and viola--Time.
Sun, 2009-02-08 21:14
Patsy, for some of us, this is our living. And not a very good one at that. When we're not caring for our children, we're scrambling and networking and trying to leverage one gig into the next. You must not know what it's like to not have help, to be totally responsible for all the care and all the financial support, because those who've walked that plank would never presume to judge, knowing what it entails, and how something like taking down the tree is not only NOT the most pressing issue, but another reminder that we have to do it all ourselves.
Tue, 2009-02-10 09:08
For me these are different things. I'm SAHM, so I have a lack of adult conversation during the day, and some privacy. Internet gives me an opportunity to talk about things besides Cinderella and diapers, share emotions, ideas, etc. And I can get it, when my kids watch cartoons or play dolls. Turning off my computer would give me time to wash the dishes, clean the floor, play those f*king barbies, but it won't help me get a babysitter to go to a coffeshop ALONE with a book, or to go to my therapist, or to my friends.
I spend 24 hours a day with my kids. I want some time separate from them - an "only me"-time.
Mon, 2009-02-09 03:06
This is one of the only good things about being divorced and having joint custody: I have plenty of free time. Also, my fiance is wonderful about watching L if I want to do something when she's with me. I have a lot of hobbies. I'm an avid salsa dancer, and go to the clubs at least once a week. In the summer, I'm on my bike a lot. I do some volunteer work. I go to the gym, and on the weekends take extra time in the steam room. S and I go on a couple of dates a month, and we're not shy about getting a sitter. Luckily, his son is 11 1/2 and is going to take the ARC babysitting class soon, so we can start leaving them home together for short times.
When I was married to her dad, my only outlet was going grocery shopping. He made me feel like a bad mommy--forget made me feel, he told me I was a lousy mother--if I so much as went out to coffee with a friend. It took me a long time to reclaim myself. I remember filling out my match.com profile when I started dating again, and only coming up with scrapbooking and reading as things I liked to do. Oh, and masturbate, because that was all the action I was getting. Who wanted to date a chick like me? So, I cultivated new interests and now I have more than I have time for.
I grew up with a mom who was a martyr for her children. Everything she did in her free time revolved around us kids. I don't fault her for that, but I feel bad for her. I love my free time, and I don't feel guilty about taking it when I need it. It keeps me happy and sane, and makes me a better mom.
Sat, 2009-02-07 17:43
For Moscowmom - I have gone days without a shower,Many days. I have seen my husband take two and three showers in one day not even realizing he was taking for granted what I wanted most. I think moms all over the world sacrifice.
I don't take time for myself because my husband works 70 hours a week and I feel guilty asking for some time. Instead, I wait for him to offer it to me, but he doesn't because he would just ask for time if he needed it, so he expects me to ask. When I do ask, when I think he has had enough rest, he totally supports me and I can tell he wonders why I don't ask more often.
I think mom-guilt has a lot to do with it. We just don't feel right about doing things for ourselves when others, like the dog (Asha), need things too.
I still have a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old and going to the bathroom is hardly ever a one-woman experience. I have had the talk with my six year old, though, and I think she finally gets it. Mom likes to poop alone!
Kellie
Thu, 2009-02-05 21:38
Oh, yeah, the same thing with going to the bathroom - always with an open door...
It's a tough topic for me - how tiredness can be measured... 2 years ago my husband said, he was really tired, and he went to the mountains for snowboarding (by car. On February. In Russia. I wonder, why I didn't grow grey...) for 10 days. I stayed alone with my 3yr old, on my 7th month of pregnancy...
I think it's important for both parents to take some time for rest, if it's needed - other way kids can suffer from a more tired one... I started my therapy and began taking some me-time, when I realized, I don't want my daughters to repeat my model of motherhood (irritaited, angry, unpatient...) with their kids.
Fri, 2009-02-06 10:45
Wow Patsy, that's a bit harsh and actually kind of ironic given the topic of this Momversation. God forbid Michelle take some time out to do something she might like to do rather than making sure all the house work is done!
Thu, 2009-02-05 13:28
I'm sorry but the woman with the Christmas tree behind her. If you took the time to make this video there's NO excuse why you can't find time to take down the tree. Put down the camera and take down the tree.
I understand trying to find time for myself as a working mother. But I will tell you that a lot of the mommybloggers should log off once in a while, you'd be AMAZED how much time you have.
Thu, 2009-02-05 11:43
Asha: I can SO hear you about the dog. Somehow, I find 45 mins - 1 hour EVERY DAY to walk her (granted, every other day I have my 7.5 month old in tow). But never, ever have I been so religious about carving out that amount of time for myself everyday.
I'd like to believe that I am high on my own list. But, the reality is, the dog & her walks are higher. If I don't walk her however I do pay the price of having an over-excited dog on my hands, so that's extra incentive. Whereas if I leave myself off my list for the day, the immediate consequence is usually much more low key. Of course, the danger in that is it builds until you end up having a serious meltdown.
I must admit, since DS was born, my definition of 'me' time has definitely changed (hopefully only temporarily). 20 minute shower with Eucalyptus oil? Oh yeah, that counts (equivalent to a week in Jamaica as a friend of mine said). Grocery store...alone. Oh yeah. Actually, I love doing any errands alone now. You just feel so free. And even walking the dog alone. She gets to run around. I get to be outside, breathing fresh air, swinging both arms and thinking about anything other than what to schedule next and do I need to do ANOTHER load of laundry?
I just declared to DH last weekend that if he wants to go the gym on Saturdays, then I get 2-3 hours of me time right before while he takes care of DS. What's fair is fair! Which reminds me...I need to book a facial for this Saturday.
And, oh yeah, I read somewhere that saying you can't stop to find time for yourself is like saying you can't get gas because you need to keep driving. Um, yeah. Good point.
Thu, 2009-02-05 10:51
I could see the video fine although it looks as if the cameraman was focused on the books behind Mindy. Doesn't matter. It was a great topic for me. This an incredibly difficult struggle for my husband and me. Not so much for him. Mostly for me. He's a freelance person so he goes months without going to work. But he pretends that he's working (we actually tried that for one hiatus 9-6) or he has "projects" he wants to get done around the house. Me? I'm overwhelmed by the bill paying, laundry, dishes, child care, taking to school, picking up, blah blah blah. What has worked for me are a couple of different things. My first choice (admittedly not the best) I hire a baby sitter when I need to get something done. Lately, that's not as much of an option so I've actually had to have a conversation with my husband about it. For me, I need to take the emotion out of it. My husband is as emotional as a man can be and still be a man but he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand my need to be by myself and recharge. Now I say to my husband, "I'm a better wife and mother if I have this time to myself." Who can argue with that?
Thu, 2009-02-05 07:18
I WISH we had cameramen! No, we film ourselves with a little flip camera.
Mine is on a tray table in front of the computer, facing the bookshelves. We figured that was the best location, as there are french doors opposite for natural lighting, and I can tip a couple lamps over so the naked bulbs are providing fill light. The books provide a darkish backdrop, better than the other rooms, which are distracting. (read: crap in piles everywhere)
You should see us. Or me, at least. I set up the camera on a gorilla pod on the tray table, turn it on, sit, leeeeeaaaan forward and reach around to the record button, sit back, lean forward and turn it off, and then get up and walk around to watch the playback to see if I'm in the frame. Have to be sure not to tilt or rotate the camera on its three little pod legs. After three or four checks, I can usually sit and talk, so long as I don't kick the table or knock anything over.
Glaaaamourous.
Thu, 2009-02-05 08:45
Her ex is obviously a good guy. Mine would never pull that off! In my estimation, this just leaves me more time for the good stuff.
ps. need more breaks between the good stuff! helps me take it in, ya know?
how do i do this? by asking my 11 year old for it. Or, telling her, I need a break. She's very understanding.
Thu, 2009-02-05 06:22
Mindy is awesome! She makes divorce sound so appealing! Seriously, the bliss of splitting the duties halfway.... I'm thinking about it.
Thu, 2009-02-05 05:31
Mindy & Tina, that is such a blessing that you all are able to have the Bruce Willis/Demi Moore thing going.
Thu, 2009-02-05 04:23
Mindy, I think you are my long-lost doppleganger! (or something like that) I thought I was the only one with the functioning dysfunctional relationship with my ex. We do the same thing with birthdays, holidays, we've even gone on vacations together. It seems to make other people uncomfortable; I think they keep waiting for his new wife and I to "throw down".
Wanna hear about fucked up? Try people's reactions when we told them I was going to give away the bride at the wedding (we weren't serious, we just like messing with people)
Wed, 2009-02-04 23:41
This is my me time. Pretty sad.
Wed, 2009-02-04 21:39
Well, I for one, appreciated Mindy's comments. I have a 50/50 custody agreement as well, and I frequently feel "left out" of the conversation. It's true, it's not typical, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Why should we feel like we can't talk about our experiences just because they're not exactly like everyone else's?
Mindy, I agree - it's alot easier for me to find time for myself now. When I was married, it did feel like we were constantly competing for the "me-time". But I have noticed that now, I'm always trying to "make it up" when my son's with me. More than once I've worked myself into a frazzle doing everything and trying to fit in everything I feel that I've missed.
Wed, 2009-02-04 20:48
Thank you Tina! Yes, one of the major downsides of 50/50 time is that you MISS what happens half the time. School sends things home with the children, and leaving it to them to be sure we both know about important things? Not happening. So we have to communicate extra well, and often.
I pride myself on the atypical arrangement. Wanna hear more? We all celebrate events together: my fiancee, my parents, my ex, the kids, and me. Birthdays, holidays, the works. We are sending a very strong message that we are and always will be family, but that we are a better team in two houses. They occasionally say they wish we weren't divorced, but I think they wish they could be with both of us at once rather than have us live miserably together again. It helps that my ex and my fiancee get along - in fact, my ex has been asking for two years when we're getting married. Now THAT'S fucked up. : )
Wed, 2009-02-04 21:27
Erin has recently decided that she doesn't need a nap through the day. At nearly two can I just say NO WAY! Mama needs her quiet time! On the days she does sleep I generally put on a movie and do something crafty. I make jewelry, knit...anything that I don't get to do when she's awake.
DH was recently made redundant and let me tell you, getting "me" time has become incredibly difficult. It's not that he doesn't look after her, he does, it's more that I can still hear them! I don't know why that bothers me. I guess I just need quiet "me" time.
Wed, 2009-02-04 20:08
I have two hours of free time each day: the two naps my 8 month old takes. I don't do anything important during that time. Instead, I surf the net, read a magazine, nap myself, watch TV, etc. Because I know that all too soon, he'll out-energy me and may even have a sibling, and I won't even have those two hours.
Wed, 2009-02-04 17:37
My favorite parenting quote:
"It's not difficult to take care of a child. It's difficult to do anything else while taking care of a child."
Full quote from actress Julianne Moore in the recent Redbook Magazine:
"You do learn a tremendous amount of patience. Children's pace is glacial, and you can't change that. Literally, just walking down the street with them, I thought I was going to tear my hair out, but that's where they are. It's not difficult to take care of a child; it's difficult to do anything else while taking care of a child. Trying to clean up the kitchen after you've had a baby is a nightmare. You have to wait for the baby to be asleep, you're exhausted, you don't want to clean up the kitchen now."
When I read that my eyes grew big and I thought, damn I couldn't have said it better! It's next to impossible to get anything done while I'm watching my daughter including setting aside alone time. I've always valued my privacy and now that I'm a mom of a toddler I fight tooth and nail to protect the few moments I have to myself. So anybody thinking of bugging me during my private moments better stay out of my way!
Tracy
http://themoxiereport.blogspot.com
Wed, 2009-02-04 17:31
Great convo as always!
A tip from my wise mom...
Vimeo.
And I've posted about this on my blog a while back on getting some mommy time...
Vimeo.
Wed, 2009-02-04 16:58
My concept of Me time has changed greatly over the years. There are a couple of things that factor in. First, I have a high tolerance for untidyness (not dirt) I can let things ride for a bit. Its never a top priority unless I go on a clean fit. My husband definately has a higher standard than I, but after 12 years of marriage, the message "do it yourself to the way you desire" has sunk in.
I feel the need to escape less and less, now that the kids are no longer babies and toddlers. I needed to get away more then - mostly because I enjoy my solitude and having kids all day long, and needing to be "on" was exhausting. Now that the boys have matured, I don't feel that need to get out. I am content and fulfilled hanging with them on the weekends. And come to think of it, I was working mostly at home.
I work all day - I need to get away more from that. My "me" time more or less comes from NOT working, whether that is being with the kids or hanging out with my friends. If I were home all day long, I think I would feel that need to get away more, but because I do work outside the home, all I want to do is hang out at home - slightly messy or not.
I really think working outside the home plays a huge factor. I also have a solitary job - meaning, I don't work with the public and I stare into a computer monitor pretty much all day long. So, by the time I come home, all I want to do is connect and hang with the gang. And trust me - its exhausting too.
Wed, 2009-02-04 14:17
Are you KIDDING ME?
Mindy, I can't believe you globally presented divorced parenthood as having "50% me time". A functioning 50/50 custody agreement ISN'T TYPICAL. The reality is that a huge portion of single parents have SOLE custody - either legally or functionally - meaning that one parent does the vast majority of parenting duties even if the other parent retains shared legal rights, but chooses to ignore or minimize their "shared" parenting duties.
I don't know of a SINGLE functioning 50/50 agreement like yours - and I know a lot of divorced parents.
Even worse - there's NO mention of career obligations by anyone? Hello? Women work... many of us have demanding careers! Most of us spend a HUGE portion of our days at work! Why wasn't that even mentioned as a demand on our time?
Why on earth are there no realistic representatives momversation.com panel?
Wed, 2009-02-04 14:00
Hello...that's so so me. A 50/50 split sounds like nirvana or something. I get NO help parenting & work 2 jobs. I seriously hear your point momartfully & thanks so much for making it.
Thu, 2009-02-05 06:19
What was cut from the video was me immediately following up by saying that that really isn't the case because we spend so much time together all the time, whoever has them. They can ride their bikes the mile to his house, and are back and forth all the time. Honestly - I have one of the most functional divorce arrangements, ever. 50/50, cooperative, and we cover for each other. Unfortunately, we're both unemployed at the moment and there's no child support.
Also, the "me time" I mentioned is filled with all the things I can't do when they are here and I am the only one running the house. Some of that time is spent panicking and sobbing, some of it looking for work. And yes, I can usually get a nap in there somewhere before I go *tilt*.
Wed, 2009-02-04 21:12
Regarding the no-working-moms representation: the vast majority of popular mommy blogs are written by stay at home moms. They actually have the time to update often, unlike the rest of us working mamas.
Wed, 2009-02-04 14:23