Do You Fight Gender Stereotypes?

I feel very frustrated with the whole GENDER STEREOTYPING thing. My little boy (4 yrs) LOVES Pretty Ponies - especially PINKIE PIE and therefore LOVES dressing in pink! lol I personally don't really care, but I am afraid for him (if it continues) of what may happen to him when he gets older and is around the "rough and tough" boys at school. I mean - he still LOVES dinosaurs, cars, etc. - so I think he will be alright, but I just find it sad! He had a friend over one day and he wanted to watch a Pretty Pony movie and his friend kept saying to him, "What are you a girl? You wanna be a girl?" His friend is only 5! Why? Why? Why? We handled it and so did my son when he replied, "Why don't you like ponies?" (So innocent)!!! I love that we;re raising our son to be caring and loving and well rounded! He also LOVES playing with babies (dolls) and I think this is great as one day he will be a daddy! Girls play with dolls and learn to be 'mommies', so why shouldn't boys?

Thu, 2010-01-28 10:19

"I never tried to create any kind of environment that was gender neutral. I really admire you ladies who did that, because I feel like a total lazy parent. I was just like, 'If it's not fire or a blade, play with it. Have fun.'"

Sounds pretty gender-neutral to me, Dana.

What bugs me is the "bad" aspects of gender-associated personality traits. Girls are supposed to be physically inept fashion victims and boys are supposed to be emotionally stunted killing machines. Since it's easier to be lame at girl things than to excel at boy things (or vice-versa), we see people asserting their chosen gender role through cultivated ineptitude. Imagine the most over-the-top drag queen or frat boy for a caricature of the point.

Why settle for feminine, masculine, or neutral, when you can strive for competence in all aspects of life? I insist on my son developing skills, all skills. One doesn't need to throw like a girl in order to put together a decent color scheme.

Favorite quote from the street: "You shouldn't let him wear pink, it might confuse him." I have my doubts that the color pink, or long hair, or skirt-like garments are hardwired to be feminine. However, I do see the biological basis for much of the personality traits. To me, it's important to develop as completely as possible—especially with what takes effort.

Tue, 2009-09-22 14:55

There's some great theory-level conversation going on here that I think is important.

I try to have an awareness of how I may or may not be reinforcing stereotypes with my two sons.

Not feeling up for tackling the big topic, but wanted to add an anecdote just from today.

It was the second day of preschool, a bit traumatic still for me and my 2 and 3 year-old. So we were headed to MCD's and I had promised that today was a day we'd get a happy meal with a toy.

MCD now always has a "boy" toy or a "girl" toy. Ugh, there's a topic for conversation.

Anyway, the boys were excited to get the advertised race cars but we were informed they only had the "girl" toys and did I still want a happy meal. Hmm, the sign said the girl toys were "Barbie Beauty Accessories." What the heck, why not? They really don't seem to have a strong sense of just girl or boy toys yet anyway. And I certainly did not want to face the trauma of no toys after all.

They got their toys - round mirror compacts with a heart-shaped comb inside, all pink pink pink! They thought they were cool, had fun with the mirrors, combed their crew-cut hair for a little bit in the car.

At home, Roo then proceeded to play with it as a "rocket ship" that flew around with his little NASA space shuttle. The two ships were chatting it up and having a great time. It was a lot of fun to watch.

Thu, 2009-09-17 22:59

I'm sort of on board with talulattdh -- it's more than how we play, it's even how we *hold* babies that differs from birth -- people cradle the girls like delicate eggshells, and bounce the boys like they're hulky kids. (And the colors that boys are "allowed" to wear are ghastly in their lack of fun!) Have been trying to combat that from day 1, at least with my own interactions with our child -- bouncing and holding, talking and letting play, etc. But it does run up against culture at the level of grandparents (with the granddaughter, it's all about dressing her up and rewarding her for putting up with hairclips, with the grandson, there are toys and admiring of skills), let alone once there are school peers (with princesses and guns and whatever)...

The story about the Dora backpack just about killed me. Why worry about what his (tot) peers think, rather than what you (adult, ostensibly feminist) and he (still learning) think? Better to get into a discussion about why other boys might/do react strangely, what that says about cultural assumptions (or their own fears), and why it's nice that he can choose for himself! A great start on not only [feminist] sensitivity, but on trusting your own instincts. Easier, I'm sure, from hindsight, but this is exactly how we start constraining our kids' choices in life.

Tue, 2009-09-15 12:11

I see this as more of a nature vs. nurture argument, not so much a gender stereotype thing. Well, I guess it's really both, but I will honestly say that it is my son's NATURE to love cars/trucks/trains/planes/etc. It was clear from a very early age (he's 2.5 now, so I'm talking only a few months old here) that he prefers those things, over every stuffed animal in the house. Granted, we didn't have baby dolls, but we had other things to cuddle and show affection to. And we really had nothing to do with it. Of course, those are the toys he gets now, because that's what we know he likes, and I don't want to waste my money on a doll when he's not going to play with it. He was also held and sung to a lot, because I'm a singer in my spare time and that's just what I do. ;)

However, he is EQUALLY interested in our neighbor's little play kitchen. We don't have one, but whenever we are at their house, he LOVES to play with it, it's his first choice. And cooking as always, IMO, been a 'female' gender stereotype.

When I think of gender stereotypes, I think more along the lines of what professions/hobbies are more male/female. I consider myself more of a tomboy now, and looking back over my childhood I see that's really more what I was....not too girly-girly, although I definitely tried to fit into that mold for a long time. I am an civil engineer (a VERY male-dominated profession), I really like to watch AND play sports, and most of my good friends are men. I think this has more to do with my hard-wiring than the way I was raised, although I was always encouraged that I could be whatever it was that I wanted to be. Now, my father is an engineer, as was his father before him, so I do think that my love of technical things is probably 'hard wired.' And, I naturally assume that my son, who is the offspring of not one, but TWO engineers (my husband is a structural engineer), will be good at math and science and do that kind of thing as well. Or else he's inherited the recessive genes and will be an artist just to piss us off. But, I would think this of my DAUGHTER, too. If/when I actually have one. But I will be equally ok if I have a son who is very musical and not into sports at all, and a daughter that loves to play ball with Dad in the driveway and is the next Mia Hamm. Or one or both. It really doesn't matter....but it DOES bother me that so much princess stuff is rammed down little girl's throats. I'm not into that stuff...did I mention I'm an engineer? :)

I love the MilwJay's comments....although it is my opinion that having balls and a penis just makes you male. There are so many other things that make you a Man. And I know plenty of males that I really wouldn't call Men.

Mon, 2009-09-14 12:11

we personally have any toys and games for our daughter that are for all genders she loves princesses and Ninja turtles car, airplane, Transformers and lil mermaid , my lil pony and care bears.

We raise out daughter with idea that she can do anything as long as she is willing to work for it she can be a SAHM or a doctor a Construction Worker or Teacher whatever Gender doesnt matter I love the fact that she gravitates toward girl shows that are girl or woman who are strong and smart. I don't ever want her to feel like I cant do that or play that game or with that toy because its for Boys.

I do think people have a easier time having girls who do "boy" things than Boys who do "girl " things Ie. playing with dolls or wearing Moms shoes. When a lil Girl wears Daddy big boots its cute but when lil boy tries on Mommys Heels people freak it an unfortunate attitude in our society. When I have a son He can play with cars and airplanes or he can play with dolls it doesn't matter to me I think when you force them to play with certain things or just don't give them options you prevent them from developing all sides of themselves

My husband love to fish and camp but he also is a very nurturing father and loves to decorate our home.I love that about him

Mon, 2009-09-14 09:54

Oh my. Where do I start with this one?!
Without question, the gender stereotyping thing is as present as air. The latest with my Man Cub is that he wants me to switch radio stations in the car, until I find a "boy song", because he doesn't like "girl songs". Right.

I wouldn't say I go out of my way to make his environment gender neutral, but I like him to have a good balance and just not eradicate "girl" things from his life. He is naturally (or suggestively - however you want to put it, whatever), attracted to blue, black, swords, rocks, Ben 10 (argh!), etc. I think it's totally okay to let him do the things he wants to do. He also has a baby doll. Baby Isaac, as he named him, has been part of our family since he was about 15 months (he's now almost four) when my niece left him at our house and said he could have him. He has times when Baby Isaac goes to bed with him, has dinner with us etc. And then he will go a month without even picking him up - like most of his toys. He has had his times when he throws and bashes him about, but now he's learnt to be very gentle and loving with his baby. He is the same with his stuffed animals. It's also his way of interacting with me more when he feels like he's lacking attention. E.g. "He wants you, Mummy. He's crying and he needs a cuddle from you"

The one thing I am very strict on is making sure my son does not get this ridiculous idea in his head that boys are not allowed to be emotive. I WILL NOT TOLERATE any ridiculing along the lines of, "Stop sooking. Are you a little girl?" I HATE that. I want my son to express his emotions appropriately - if he is putting it on, I'll certainly tell him to knock it off, but not by putting in there that he is acting in any way female (as if that is a bad thing!!!).

I have actually had FEMALE friends of mine suggest that by taking my son to dancing lessons, that I am - and I quote - "going to turn him gay". WTF?! I won't even go into how ridiculous that is. Meanwhile, he also takes swimming lessons and plays soccer.

If he sees me doing nails, and wants his done, too. I figure, hey - who is it going to hurt? We also laugh about farts and play wrestling - see? Balanced.

Sun, 2009-09-13 21:21

As a lesbian couple with boy/girl twins, we took extra care to try to treat our children exactly the same. Realizing pretty quickly that that was a virtual impossibility (not because they were different genders, but because they were different PEOPLE), we soon jumped off that crazy train and just tried to go with the flow.

We are also both latina. My partner tends to exhibit more typically masculine characteristics and prefers male dress. I am definitely a foofy, high-heels and manicures sorta girl. We were both raised in households where being a man meant immediately that you had the upperhand, got the best seat in the house or at the dinner table, and could get away with riskier behavior with little to no negative consequences.

We've tried not to push the typical gender toys or colors on our kids, but have found ourselves competing with their 6-year-old classmates or commercials about what's a boy thing and what's a girl thing. Our daughter has officially declared that she "is not a girly girl" (as much as I would love her to be). But two years ago, her favorite things were pink, purple, and butterflies. Our son has raced the gamut from wanting to dress up in his sisters clothes a couple of years ago, to only wanting to wear clothes that were red, to demanding a babydoll, to playing jungle animal and karate games, to preferring a good book over a hot wheel car any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

But there are things that she does -- nurturing, loving, caring things -- that seem to come so naturally from her that I can only describe them as being hardwired. And he is basically a squirrel. Can't sit still, antsy, and has no general sense of consideration for others in his immediate vicinity. These are qualities that I tend to immediately attribute to their gender roles. But there's really no telling, is there? Is she nurturing because we were more nurturing towards her or it's what she sees women doing in movies, at school, at our family events? Is he all ants-in-the-pants because we tell ourselves, oh, it's just a boy thing and leave him be?

They were supposed to be my great social experiment. I was going to raise them exactly the same. Prove once and for all that children were socialized into gender roles prematurely. And then have the healthiest, most well-adjusted kids on the planet.

But you know what? The only thing that happened was that they proved to me, once they hit about 4 years old, that (given any amount of free will at all) they WILL begin to establish their own identity. And it WILL evolve and change and then change back...many times over. And that on the days that I think I know exactly what kind of little person they're becoming, those are the days when they switch it all up and decide they want to cut their hair (her), let their hair grow (him), pierce their ears (her), never wear pink (him), never wear pink (her), love sports (her), hate sports (him), and the list goes on and on.

And I think, as a society, we tend to be more and more okay with girls not being girly. Because it's okay, and even encouraged, if we raise sporty girls. Strong girls. Self-confident girls.

But with boys, I think our society is still so afraid of them exhibiting any sort of characteristic that could be characterized as feminine. They're called "sensitive" or "soft" or "emotional" or "tender". And I think all of that goes back to the patriarchal line of thinking where women were 2nd class citizens, and, therefore, anything remotely female was deemed a weakness. Whereas, anything readily identified as male (such as physical strength or athleticism), was positive. And, unfortunately, this hasn't really changed all that much in 500 years.

So, the only tidbit I have to offer up that I consider valuable enough to pass on is to just let your children develop into the skins that fit them best. And try to be aware of passing on unnecessary biases that are only going to get in the way and delay the emersion of your child's true personality.

The Adventures of Saia & Chago

Fri, 2009-09-11 17:34

I think some gender stereotypes are hardwired. I think people want to deny it because first of all, it's politically correct, and second of all, gender stereotypes do result in disadvantages, mostly for women but for men too. My son is absolutely CRAZY about trucks, cars, buses, anything with wheels. He also loves to play ball. He has many stuffed animals but mostly ignores them. My husband and I know nothing about trucks. He has many books, but strongly favors his 2 truck books. The fact is there is some truth to gender stereotypes. But I agree that this is a problem when it comes to children's self esteem, and when adults have reactions that show a gender bias. Bwankel's story about the pink bowl is classic. Who cares if a boy eats out of a pink dish?

I believe that gender stereotypes are becoming less strong, and they will continue to do so. When I was little, I remember that my sister didn't know that a woman could be President. I don't think there are many little girls or boys nowadays who don't think a woman could be President!

Fri, 2009-09-11 12:17

My 15 month old son has both dolls and trucks, and goes for the trucks every time. He's even learned the "vroom" sound, etc. And no one taught him that! So, I've given up in the area of toys, he can play with whatever he wants to.

I agree with Karen though, I can't stand when people assume one can't or shouldn't do something just because they are a man or a woman. And I will encourage my son to do whatever it is his heart desires. If he wants to be a nurse? Fine. Stay-at-home dad? Cool. NFL player? Well, then we'll have to talk about that one ;)

Fri, 2009-09-11 09:41

This is such an interesting topic. I grew up as a tom boy, playing all kinds of sports and having mostly male friends. I also loved Barbies and dolls, but those were things that I usually played with alone or with only one other female friend. As a teen I was a cheerleader (because I loved it), but rejected all things pink, frilly or otherwise "feminine."

My daughter is much the same way. I was shocked at how "physical" a baby girl could be--I just wasn't expecting that. And she has no fear. She is tougher, stronger and (dare I say) more "masculine" than my 11 year old step son. On the other hand, she refuses to wear anything but skirts and dresses (with shorts underneath and tennis shoes so she can still play football with the boys), and loves a touch of lip gloss so she's pretty. I very much like this balance, and it works for her. She knows she can do anything, it just sometimes requires a wardrobe change. :)

My step son violently rejects all things girlie and won't even give his own mother (let alone his step-mother-I don't even ask anymore) a hug or kiss. Once, he had a friend spend the night and my older step daughter (16-years-old) snuck into his room in the middle of the night and put makeup on the boys as they were sleeping. When they discovered it the next morning it was pure chaos. He had a major meltdown; cried and screamed (SCREAMED!) for most of the day and was so angry he plotted revenge on his sister for several weeks. We thought it would pass, but when it didn't we had to intervene and make him get control of his anger. This bothered me immensely because, even though it was a joke and all in fun, he took it so seriously and felt that it threatened his "manhood" in some way.

Is it Nature vs. Nurture? I think it's both.

@BeingSuper

Fri, 2009-09-11 08:37

I don't have kids so I can only speak from my own experience as a child, but I'm a girl who was often more attracted to boy things than girl things. I think that was due to a combination of "hard wiring" (estrogen / other chemical levels) and who my friends were. Growing up I had 5 close playmates, 2 of which were girls, 3 of which were boys. With the girls I played make believe and dolls, with the boys I played Mortal Kombat and "the blindfold game," which involved one person being blindfolded and the other ones trying to hit them with pillows without being tagged. (AWESOME GAME, btw. Just gotta make sure you have rules that keep people from getting hurt.)

I considered myself a tomboy growing up, and while I have gotten "girlier" as I got older (dress and act more feminine, love to dance, cry more often at cute/sad things, etc.) I'm still less "girly" than many of my peers. (Hate shopping, don't wear makeup, etc.) But my parents never steered me that way. In fact, they sort of thought I should be more feminine than I was/am.

So I do think there's an element of "hard wiring" involved.

That said, I also believe society creates perceptions of what a man or what a woman should be. And as Giyen pointed out, in different cultures (Asia, but also Africa, Latin America, etc.) those perceptions can be even more stringent. (Latin "machismo," Asian "deference," etc.)

But I've seen the trend of being (IMO) overly PC -- calling children "friends" instead of "boys and girls," for example -- and I admit, I think it's silly. I think what's more important is, regardless of stereotypes or societal expectations, letting your individual child know that they can be whoever they want to be and it's okay.

Fri, 2009-09-11 07:00