Giving In to Your Kids: Does It Make You Feel Guilty?

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December 04, 2009

It's almost too easy to give in to your kids. After all, every parent wants to give her kids more than she had. But if you bend to every whim of your child, you risk raising a kid who might be a little, well, bratty. But when your child looks at you with big eyes and asks, "PleasePleasePlease, can I have Super Cool Hair Barbie?" it's pretty hard to say no. Or is it? And if you do give in to your child, do you feel guilty after? Giyen Kim of Bacon Is My Enemy asks, "Do you feel guilty when giving in to your child? Or when you don't give in?"

Do you feel bad when you give in to your child's demands? Do you feel guilty when you say no? Join the Momversation by commenting below.

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Panelists

Dana Loesch - Mamalogues Giyen Kim - Bacon Is My Enemy Heather Armstrong - Dooce

Keywords

Parenting Shopping Video

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12 Comments

salsamite

Giyen, I know what you mean when you say it's only one child, so you give in more. I think it's also that there is only one of you. Single parents feel significantly more guilt in regards to giving things to their children. It's all wrapped up in the giving of time to them, and the giving of a "normal" life to them.

I know that I will be more lenient on my son than my friends might be to their children because I feel guilty that he doesn't have more people at home, and he doesn't have me all to himself as much as he would like. He craves my attention so much, and so I let him have treats and stay up later, and I make deals because I work in the office and he goes to daycare four days a week, and I also work at home, and he doesn't have a dad there all the time or a brother or sister to play with instead of me. But I know that when I give him my full attention and time, that makes him so much happier than any treat could.

He will even say to me, "Mummy, if you put that computer down, I will give you thirty-nine cuddles... But if you don't, I won't have any cuddles for you." Isn't that heartbreaking?!

Sun, 2009-12-27 17:43

acm

I don't know where I fall on the spectrum -- some mix of indulgent and strict. Like another commenter, I'm pretty willing to give in when it doesn't matter, whether it's taking the long way home because we have no afternoon plans anyway, or sitting to hear the narration of the current game, or maybe picking up a $2 toy at the grocery store. But if we have to do something, we're just going, and no bones; similarly, if I have to be getting something ready, then I just can't play. Toddler cries of woe over arbitrary things don't move me, and if rational intervention doesn't work, then it's "ok, then we're done here" and either the fun activity ends, the kid is on the other side of the baby gate by herself for a couple of minutes, whatever -- whoosh, consequences! It just seems obvious to me that we have to set up the limits and the categories of response now, before the wheedling and the discussions get more complex -- there's Sure, there's Seems Silly (but I'll hear a brief argument or defer to a bad day), and there's Nope. Nope means business, and throwing yourself against that wall will just give you bruises . . .

Wed, 2009-12-09 09:33

mommytoall

My daughter is almost 6 .I don't feel guilty about telling her No My husband on the other hand is wrapped around her lil finger .I used to feel Bad like I was the bad guy when I told her NO then I changed. I saw the many toys forgotten or carelessly broken after a very short time. So now we Only do toys at Birthday and Christmas unless she uses her own money. She plays with Rocks and Boxes more than her toys half the time anyway.

My parents were Hella strict but Now as Grandparents they think Im too strict I too will cancel her going to a friends party or tell her No cake at a cousin Bday Party If she throws a Tantrum. Im big on structure and Bed time on school nights are non-negotiable

I think we should raise our children to be well functioning hard working Thankfull adults. Giving them everything they want and giving in to Tantrums will not do that.( I do not negotiate with Terrorist) I will show my child Love and affection and teach her to be thankful for the blessings to be gracious and thoughtful. That spending time with the people u love is most important whether its doing an activity or snuggling on the couch

What I see out in the world is Parents raising entitled ungrateful brats who only care about instant gratification who when all grown up will be the same only older and worse. You have to look at the future and remember those adults in our lives that we always think "when will they grow up and realize the world doesnt revolve around them" Do you want people to think that of your adult child?

P.S. One thing I do give into more is outings as a Family (time is so limited with work and all) and visiting friends because she does get bored being a only child she is very sociable.

Tue, 2009-12-08 11:19

MsBwell

First of all the plate breaking thing, could you imagine if that were to happen today? My husband’s mom broke a plate over his head. I forget what the reason was but know she was extremely pissed off at him. My uncle had a plate broken over his head too. Nowadays that wouldn’t fly, heaven forbid if school would find out.
Normally day to day I don’t feel guilty for saying no. The girls will ask for things while we are out shopping, I say no & that is that. They have chores, earn an allowance and can spend their own money if it’s something they really want. And it’s funny that when it comes to spending their money the wanted item all of the sudden isn’t that important. In the real world things aren’t going to be handed to them. Plus I love the fact that I can tell my girls no & there are no fits & no whining! Then there are the deployment years where I swear if my 10 yr old wanted a new car she would have a good chance of getting it. I feel so guilty for all that we have put on their little shoulders. They know what is going on, they understand what their dad’s job is, they are dealing with the harassment of kids at school over it, they are doing without a parent … let me buy you whatever you want. Which leads to me feeling guilty for saying yes because retail therapy really doesn’t fix anything.
Married/Single Parent

Tue, 2009-12-08 01:57

Sorahatch

Dooce, if you wrote a parenting book I would totally buy it.

Mon, 2009-12-07 15:16

zudora

my whole view on parenting is to prepare the kids appropriately for the "real world". and in the real world you don't always get what you want, you can't whine to your professor to increase your grade, you can't beg incessantly for a job promotion. thus my kids don't get everything they want and i don't feel guilty. if what they want costs money then we discuss how money isn't unlimited, what you have to do to earn money and the basics of budgeting.

if what they want is to sleep over at a friends house or something that is not money related then i explain my reasoning on their level. we might have plans with grandma the next day or i might not particularly trust this friend or their parents.

they do get some of what they want but not all and i don't feel guilty. we can go into debt buying them everything they want but that's just hurting our family as a whole in the long run.

Mon, 2009-12-07 13:22

SilverXeno

I would say I'm sort of like Dana...I am stingey with my dollar down to the last PENNY. I try to get discounts EVERYWHERE. If I go into Target and there are 10 identical packages of Barbies, I will pick up the one ripped box, take it up to the service desk and go, "Hey, wanna knock 10% off this since the box is damaged? Ya know nobody giving it as a gift is gonna take it home!" And I smile..and they look at me like...uhh... "I can wait for the manager if you want." And because they don't wanna sit around and wait...I get the 10% off!

So when it comes to my kids asking for things...It's an easy NO. I feel more guilt over the fact that now every person within 20 miles now has to listen to the shrill cry of my toddler over a "no" to a colorful whooziwhatsit.

I used to be really excited to buy stuff for my kids...then I sort of felt like they weren't that into it later, whether they had the toy to entertain or not...and I sort of switched my thinking on WHAT to buy them. I stopped buying REALLY specific toys. Acme's One Trick Wonder was not going to do it. The toy has to do EVERYHING. Or it has to be something like Legos...which you can build into a castle or a car...giving you more variety.

We JUST moved into a new house 1400 miles from my hometown...the girls have a chance to have their own play room...and instead of a bunch of little individual toys, we are getting them a play kitchen. There are various brands everywhere...so I will do my bargain hunting online, but they will get the kitchen and accessories as a shared gift...and I might do one or two things individually, but probably more on the useful side than the fun side. (Little hairbrushes and bubble bath sets, etc.)

...I am GUILT FREE when the tantrum starts. And often that reinforces my NO...No kid that bratty deserves a new toy.

Mon, 2009-12-07 13:07

kristanhoffman

LOL I love Dana's clip at the end.
• "I can't show that to my friends!"
• "Now I am feeling very guilty, because I don't feel guilty."

My mom often gave in to me, I realize now, but at the time I thought I was earning the things I wanted. Example: I wanted a GameBoy for Christmas. She told me I could get it if I got good grades. The truth is, I would have tried to got good grades anyway, but I *thought* she was making me earn the GameBoy! Clever, my mother is.

She also let me have an unlimited amount of one thing, so I felt like I was being indulged. What was that one thing, you ask? Books. She made me think LEARNING was an indulgence!

Mon, 2009-12-07 13:05

faydean

Once upon a time I felt guilty, but over time it became fairly obvious we were spoiling our kids rotten, namely the first born and then the new baby. It only took about two years into having two kids for us to see that buying them stuff only produced fighting, expectations and aggravation for us. They didn't play with half the stuff, but still fought over it and wanted more. So we stopped. Simple as that, we just stopped. The only toys that come into the house now are on Christmas and Birthdays and we limit the number they can ask for to six each, a number picked randomly in truth.

The result has been that our kids seriously want for so little that when it comes to making a "want" list they have a hard time even coming up with stuff, lol.

The only guilt I feel is when I don't act as a parent as I should, otherwise, I'm perfectly at home being a hard ass. In fact, I think most parents are so soft when it comes to how they give in or discipline their kids, that in comparison I'm probably considered cruel and inhumane, lol. It's like someone told me years before I had kids...it's not my role to be my child's friend, it's my job to be their guide!

But the thing I know for a fact, is that my kids know my limits. They try, just by nature, to reach them and cross them. But when they've pushed it...oh, they know. This is a mother who cancelled, at the last minute, her child's birthday party last year after she got sent to the principal's office in FIRST grade!

I've threatened for to cancel Christmas before. And, to be truthful...if the behavior of my kids was bad enough to warrant it, I would do it in a heartbeat. I have a special savings account set up for the therapy they're bound to go to one day.

Mon, 2009-12-07 08:25

Ally1979

I don't so much feel guilt as I feel I am doing both her and myself a disservice -- if I train her that loud crying = getting what she wants, what an unlikeable, unhappy child/adult she'll be! And I will end up resentful and worn out as a parent. My issue is that 90% of the time I end up giving in to her without a fight - if we're playing and she wants me to stand on my head and sing the National Anthem, and it's no skin off my back, then I do it. It's so rare that I actually WANT to say NO to her that when I do it's a shock to her. The lack of "NO" in her life I think causes some brattiness, because it's just not what she's used to. I find myself wanting to say NO more often just to teach her that it's ok to be denied things...and then THAT'S when the guilt comes - here I am TRYING to deny my child things just for the lesson to be learned? That's hard! As a single Mom, I think it's so easy to give in to our kids, cus it's just us and them, and they fill our whole heart and thoughts. What can I say, my daughter and I are definitely a work in progress...

Fri, 2009-12-04 09:07

Carita

Ally1979- Single mom of a daughter here, and all I have to say is: yup. That's pretty much my problem in a nutshell, word for word. And yes...a work in progress for sure. It helps me to think of it as art work. :)

Fri, 2009-12-04 15:05

fishman

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think a lot of parents feel it’s important to explain their reasoning to their children in an attempt to get them to understand. Realize that along the way, wanting your child to understand can easily shift into wanting their approval, or their acceptance of your reasons. When this happens, parents can get stuck in a dynamic where they're over-explaining things to their children. I personally think that once you’ve given your child a reasonable amount of input, any further explanation defeats the purpose.

Don’t forget, if you tell your child “No, you can’t do that now,” and he keeps bugging you—and then you end up giving in to your child and letting him do it—you’ve just trained him not to listen to you.

Fri, 2009-12-04 07:02