Why Is It So Difficult to Make Mom Friends?

Jusdbfedfwf

Thu, 2010-03-04 10:45

I was searching this today and found your site (awesome site by the way). I have lived in this small town (in Saskatchewan, Canada) for 4 years now and still do not really have any friends! I am a 37 yr. old mother of 2. My son is 4 and my daughter is 2 1/2. It appears that all of the mothers, with kids my kids' age, are at least 10 years younger than I am. Also, they are all basically from here so they all know one another. I can remember the first time I went to the moms' n' tots thing they have here...I walked in and NOT ONE person came over to introduce themselves or say "Hi" or anything! So I sat beside some women and tried to get involved in the conversation (without appearing nosy, or whatever they may think). It was awful and I still feel that way toay - 4 years later! People around here just don't include a new person in a conversation and I find it very rude and difficult! There was one woman, on my hockey team, who i got talking to - and she was saying that was looking for a good friend, etc. So I tried talking to her more, facebooking her more, etc. and then, all of a sudden, she stopped talking to me. All I figure out is that she thought I was "stalking" her and I was a creepo...so????? I was just trying to make a friend! So ya - I find it VERY difficult to make friends here in this small town!

Thu, 2010-01-28 10:06

I live in Gilbert, Arizona and it's very family oriented, which I love. But I feel like I am the only mom in this city with this issue. It's nice to see I'm not alone in the world, even if I feel like I am alone here. I go to the gym, have nice small talk with other moms. But it ends there. It seems that they all have a lot of friends and there is no room for me. I volunteer at school and see all the other moms talking in groups and being friends and I'm not in that group. I've made a few aquaintences with moms from my kids school at the gym and even got on their facebook. These are ladies who it seems Ihave a lot in common with. Working, kids in same class or same age, like bunco, like to go camping, etc. Through facebook I see they have a lot of friends, have girls nights out and do things together. I've casually mentioned that I would love to have a girls night out sometime, or even dinner with our husbands together sometime. They agree, but it never happens. How do I get invited? The city I live in, Gilbert, Arizona is very family oriented and I love that. But I feel left out when I see groups of mom friends together everywhere I go. My childhood friends in my hometown say they can't believe I don't have close friends after living here 10 yrs, they say I'm bubbly personality, outgoing, social, fun, extremely generous, and open. I just can't get past the small talk with girls and go one step further. Maybe I should look at it like dating? Ask them for thier number and hope I don't get rejected? Call them and ask if the want to get together for something? Is that weird and too forward?

Wed, 2009-09-02 09:41

I just joined yesterday and wow, this topic is just so perfect- finding mommy friends really is LIKE dating, why is it so hard?

I too am a friendly, loyal, outgoing and funny person and i used to have a lot of friends and that of course changed as we moved about and some of my friends moved away and well, i am 32, with a 3 year old and 10 month old and i have always felt like 10 going on 20 growing up, always clicking with the older crowd and as someone mentioned here, it is all about the little cliques, and it trully feels like i am back in high school -which i did not like because of all the gossip and " you are different/look different/think different" thing and that si why we won`t let you in our group...or we have a tight knit group and and you are not welcome in or you always feel like the NEW KID, you are actually never accepted...and yes, everyone has their kids on different nap schedules, ages of the kids vary and i could go on and on...yes, i still have a few friends who do not have kids, but at times they cannot understand issues - mommy issues-i am dealing with...

I did find Meet up.com and a few groups but it is still the same, some moms will talk a bunch with you one day, than the next day they act like they did not know you or they even give you their phone number, you do end up calling them and they act like i am bothering them - so why give me the number if they really do not want me to call? - i only give out my contact number if i feel we really clicked and i like the mommy, what is the point of pretending to like someone, i am tired of that, i do not like pretensious ( spelling?) people, i am a very open person, i do not lie since i am a lousy liar anyway and i am very direct with people, i do not like to beat around the bush, so to speak and yes, i am friendly and people do tend to take advantage of that as well...

I don`t think it should be this hard to find mommy friends. I too had phantasies of making lots of mommy friends before my son was born and going to playdates etc and than my son was born with a neck injury and had to wear special cranial device on his head for 7 months, 23 hours a day, PT/OT speech for 2 years....i joined a hospital mom support group at that time and NO one, not one mom would talk to me- sad, actually, since it was just because my son LOOKED different, but he was just like another baby there, you see, i would never isolate a person, a man, a women, because they look different- skin color, med.issue-autism, ADHD...even kids, i am not ambarrased to be seen with a handicaped person/ child and it was just so sad to me that fellow moms, yes, MOMS, could not and WOULD not relate...long story, do not want to bother you....still i tried just to talk to people about stuff-TV shows, travel..not about the medical issues...did not mattered, we WERE labeled....

My son si fine now, smart, active , fully functioning and funny 3 year old after surgeries, looks like a normal 3 year old child...yet why do other moms isolate fellow moms? Medical issue or not, Why?

As of late, i even started thinking" Is it ME? What is wrong with me, why cannnot i make mommy friends, i am such a social butterflie, i like other people...

I am rumbling here, sorry....but this topic struck a sensitive cord.. and yes, it is hard to share this with other moms, because you may scare them away or they will want to be your friends out of PITY- no thank you.

My hubby always says, that not everyone is like me, loyal, supportive...people are flakes, they do not call, will not return phone calls and we live in California, Orange County, where you get a lot of what is called" Barbie moms groups", you must have a certain social status, money, perfect body...well, we do not have lots of money-who does these days- do not have fake boobs, thank you very much ( no offence meant to you, who do and the reasons why -it is a personal decision that i respect), do not live in a mansion, and although i am a blonde, i am not "..." ( a stereotype remark that i do not like),i am a well educated woman!

Please note, that i am aware that there are nice moms & moms support groups here in CA as well!!

And i have lived all over, Europe, went to college in London, GB, have lived on the East/ West Coast here, but i still do find it the hardest to make friends here, in So. California, for some reason....why is that?

One last thing i have always wondered about, is that poeple may have issues with my ethnic backround, i was not born here, i was born in Prague and even though i have met opeople who just did not want to hang out with me, simply because i was NOT born here, can`t they just see me for who i am?

A mom, a daughter, a sister ,a wife, give me a chance, talk to me, find out if you like ME, my personality, me.

All done now, just had to vent, i am glad that i have joined, this is my first on line chat room, thanks for being here!

Tue, 2009-04-14 17:27

I was lucky in that my city has a couple of hubs of mom-support (mostly built up around breastfeeding groups at the beginning). However, that too has its limitations as (1) waves of moms return to work around 3-6 months, (2) your kids' naptimes start to shift around such that it can be hard to get more than 1-2 people together successfully. And that's *before* getting into whether you really have close one-on-one relationships. (Large groups let you finesse that by spreading the socializing around and giving you many folks at many stages that you can plug into or learn from.) So now working moms and stay-at-homers (part or full time) become separate species, and then even folks in the same bin become hard to pin down...

Am curious about people who just want to get together with other mommies without their kids -- are you really so dissociated from your old friends that you no longer enjoy getting together with them? Maybe I just haven't run into it yet, since the logistics of doing *anything* without the kid are a bit limiting right now (and/or getting in some sleep or some quality time with the spouse seem to take precedence), but when I see my old friends I still like hearing their news and they mine, even if the latter is more about crawling and babbling. Perhaps years of such will make us grow apart, but right now I still care about politics and culture and all the things (other than drinking) that originally brought us together, so if I'm going sans kid, I'm not too worried about its being another mom.

Anyway, for anybody in a metropolitan area, there are a variety of moms clubs that can give you a chance to do outings with toddlers, have a moms' night out, and otherwise get to know some folks you wouldn't bump into otherwise. Do a search for your area and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Tue, 2009-03-10 12:22

I'm with you Jojo on being an "older" mommy. I'm 35 with a 6 month old and all the mommies I know are young moms. I just can't seem to find much common ground with a 16-18 year old it doesn't seem. Now, to be fair I'm not the most social of people anyway, I like my solitude, but I would love to have some older mommy friends for my daughter's sake anyway. Most of the moms I know my own age have teenagers, not infants, and they don't have time for talking "baby talk" and I honestly didn't have many "girlfriends" before having my little one since I was neither a mommy nor single and didn't have many friends that were at a similar stage. Hubby and I tried for years to conceive and are thrilled with our little miracle, but I am finding motherhood a bit lonely :( And it doesn't help when the clerk at the grocery store refers to me as "grandma" to my little one! I know I'm older, but I didn't think I looked THAT old!

Mon, 2009-03-09 18:24

My experience has been completely the opposite. Mom friends just seem to drop in my lap. Now maybe it is because I had my daughter when I was pushing 40...well, I was 38 she made her grand entrance. Perhaps moms in my age group - especially those that work - seek each other out. I find that my women friends who work in television instantly seek out other moms in the workplace. Thank goodness.

Tracy

Sun, 2009-03-08 17:58

I have had this problem for 17 years. I say there is no one good solution; you just have to continue to reach out to people who interest you. I think a lot of women feel this way, but we don't make a big effort to change things. Dana is right in the sense that it is a lot like dating-because of that it can be hard to not come off like a stalker or a loon. All you can do is keep trying. You're bound to hit gold once in a while right?!?

Something else important-don't only seek friends that will also include your kids. As the mother of teens I am here to tell you-all too soon your kids won't give one whit who you want to hang out with. I have some friends now I wouldn't let anywhere near my girls-but hell i like 'em-they're a ton of fun and I'm almost 40 :-)

Good luck ladies and if you're ever in St. Louis-I'll be your friend and I love little kids-mine are nearly grown.

Sat, 2009-03-07 14:19

Amazing that this topic should come up today - it's been very much on my mind lately. We recently moved from the Berkshires to the Bay Area, and I left some close friends behind. I never dreamed I'd have so much trouble connecting with other moms here, but after six months I have to admit to myself that I feel out of place. It seems that most of the moms I see on the school playground are in cliques, or are too serious, or just not interested in connecting, or will have what I think is a fun conversation with me one day and ignore me the next. The situation is complicated by the fact that I'm an older mom - I had my twins in my late forties, now I'm in my fifties. And for those of you ladies who have felt isolated because you were very young when you had your kids, at least you weren't considered a freak or a grandmother.

Most of the time I'm too busy to even think about this, but for some reason it's hit me recently that I'm feeling alone and missing my friends back east. Anyway, thank you for this discussion. I feel better now.

Fri, 2009-03-06 23:41

What a fantastic conversation here in the comments. What I didn't go into in this episode (but did in the Real Friends/Online Friends episode) was the shock I felt when motherhood completely altered my existing friendships...including those who had kids at the same time I did. I had happy fantasies that we'd all just swap stories and take care of each others' babies, but it didn't turn out that way at ALL. Somehow, even though we were all struggling through those first months at the same time, it didn't bring us together.

Those days are far behind me now, but I can still feel the disappointment. I'm grateful it all feels easier now. Like Dana, feeling "more comfortable in my skin" now makes it easier to reach out and to share.

Fri, 2009-03-06 22:41

Ladies! You are speaking to my SOUL!!! We've moved twice in the last year. Overseas and back. TWICE. ONE YEAR! We're now in Silicon Valley and I've been making my way around the "mommy group" circuit, but haven't found anyone that clicks.

I never used to have trouble making friends, but now that it's me and my son in a whole new place- no family, no roots, nuthin', it has felt impossible to find a group that works for us.

I really do hope it gets better. Thanks for the great momversation!

Fri, 2009-03-06 15:59

I am not a mother yet but I love watching these videos. It's funny that you guys mostly mentioned the stigma to young mothers, I have experienced the opposite since I do not have any kids yet. I have been with my husband since I was 17 (age 27 now) and I of course grew up with the safe sex lectures and etc., but once I hit 18 I have had these questions directed at me on a EXTREMELY REGULAR basis "When are you gonna have kids" "why don't you guys start having kids" "you need to have kids when your young" "Are you pregnant yet"....seriously no joke I hear those weekly sometimes daily here in state of Idaho, maybe its a geographical difference but around my neighborhood most everyone thinks it odd to not start popping kids out in your early 20's.

Fri, 2009-03-06 12:41

I totally agree about the isolation of young mothers. I don't know anyone my age with a baby. I'll be 24 next week and my son is nearly 2. It's just not happening with other mothers, and I feel really intimidated by them. Not even similarities between our children make the conversations take place. As I'd mentioned in another post, I stopped attending a local playgroup when a woman asked me if I had dropped out of high school or if I was still able to attend class with a baby. Clearly, I look a little younger than 23. Um... I have 2 bachelor's degrees and I'm applying to law school..... Talk about not friendly.

Fri, 2009-03-06 11:59

It's a date nic! ;)

Fri, 2009-03-06 11:03

I think this must be hard for most women. I've come to the conclusion that finding a close, same-sex friend is as rare as finding a good mate. It takes a lot of shots on goal, and once you have a baby, you have much less time to be out on the field. All of us are lonely sometimes, and I agree that if you want to overcome that, you kind of have to put your back into it. That said, I'm also unwilling to be friends with someone just because they have a kid. I don't have that kind of time either, Giyen, and the women I love are similarly busy.

Typing this, I'm realizing that it's time for me to schedule a regular girl's night at my place. I had one when I was single, and it was lovely. Time for the mom version.

Fri, 2009-03-06 10:39