How Do You Deal With Bullies?

Lomwefgbnbv

Thu, 2010-03-04 11:02

I am Mom to a child that was bullied mercilessly through grades 3-5. Jake has special needs but looks completely normal, and so he always had a hard time socially. He has a tendency to forget personal space, interrupt, butt in people's conversations, and has sensory issues that kids (and many adults) don't understand. While a completely gentle and non violent kid, he became a bully magnet.

When he began grade 3 we moved and hell began-not just with the school not supporting his special needs and not understanding him, but him being bullied. There were:

-death threats were left in his desk
-he was punched/kicked daily
-rotten fruit was placed in his backpack
-a rope was put around his neck and yanked so hard it left welts
-kids destroyed his work
-he was called retarded, stupid, gay, homo, and much more
-4 kids cornered him in a field and tried to beat him up

There's so much more then that but it would take a book to list it all. One child told Jake he was going to kill him at school, which we reported and the child was suspended. However, for two years later the mother was on a rampage, saying that we were out to get her child. She followed Jake in her car on a weekly basis, screaming and swearing at him until I confronted her and threatened a restraining order. The school then did very little and in fact, WE were bullied by the school district as we fought for services for his special needs. We called the police, who said they couldn't do anything either. He couldn't play outside in our townhouse complex unless I literally sat outside and watched, because the bullies would beat him up. The PARENTS would verbally attack him. He never fought back. He couldn't come up with witty comebacks fast enough. He was terrified of the adults and developed severe anxiety.

Jake has since admitted that at that time, he just wanted to kill himself. Honestly, at one point I even considered suicide too.

Finally, we moved, Jake was diagnosed, and we found the help we needed. Jake still was bullied to some degree, but he finally began to acquire the self confidence that he needed to stand up to the mean kids. We have worked on witty comebacks, he's learned to ignore, and Jake himself has said that "I survived THAT, I can survive ANYTHING. Those kids think they're mean? They haven't seen NOTHING. I've seen MEAN and I survived it." We've all worked very hard to get past what happened, although there are still triggers that induce severe anxiety, nightmares, and flashbacks.

A month ago some well known bullies were mercilessly taunting an autistic student in Jake's high school cafeteria and he turned around and verbally LET THEM HAVE IT about how unacceptable and rude their behavior was.

Here he was; my child, the kid who was so anxiety ridden that he would've gone crying to nearest teacher a few short years before, standing in the face of 3 bullies in front of all his peers-telling them off to protect a fellow special needs student. Some of the older kids instantly declared him a hero.

I couldn't have been more proud. :)

Tue, 2009-03-24 23:36

I can not claim to have watched every single video on this site, not even most of them. I basically watch the ones that my wife tells me to watch, so we can have launching pads for discussions between ourselves. I have read through (I think) all of the comments on this board. I find it interesting that despite the target market of this website, only women have commented on this. Perhaps a male perspective would be welcome?

If not, then please feel free to ignore me. Otherwise, here is my full disclosure: I had no sisters growing up and very few girls lived near us. I hardly ever played or hung out with them until I was old enough to want to for a very different reason. Also, I was born and raised a smart-ass. Insults my way always got hurled back.

OVER-GENERALIZATION ALERT: Boys and girls play differently. Different interests, different rules, and different methods of bullying.

For me and in my time, there were playground fights at school all the time. The boys the started the fights were bullies. They were in the wrong. The boys that ran away when the bullies came at them were the victims. They got picked on all the time, but they would RUE THE DAY they ever tattled on somebody. The boys that stood up and fought back (even if it meant getting their asses kicked) got picked on far less. In this group is where most boys back then stood, myself included. Bullies, by definition, are not brave people. They are people who are looking for the easy win - making it difficult for them means that they're likely to try their crap with someone else.

At the end of the fight, both participants would be marched by the playground attendant to the principals office where the explanations were heard and the punishments upheld. We always had to shake hands and look each other in the eye and say sorry. I didn't get into too many fights and I never fought the same person twice.

That was a boy's life (25 or so years ago). It is a different world today, judging by the comments. Someone mentioned escalation of violence. A clean fight with a clean ending, in my opinion, does not escalate. But again, that's just my point of view. I have a lot of stories, but I'll just end it here.

PS: This is for the elementary-age kid. Rules change in junior high and high school.

Fri, 2009-03-20 11:47

I think that some of the natural consequences that used to mold behavior have been lost. I think that is why the transition from childhood to adulthood is such a shock and when individuals makes this transition they expect that there are always exceptions to the rules that can be made for them. It is hard for them to accept the fact that when they do something wrong they have to deal with the aftermath.

As a grownup, when I speed I should get a ticket and accept having to pay it for making that mistake, when I fail to pay taxes there should be consequences harsh enough to encourage me to pay them, when I fail to make payments on things they should be taken away. However, people do all of these things and then complain about the consequences and even fight for their right to get away with it.

This might be a stretch, but maybe it is because we have taken away the natural consequences that should teach children how to behave. One of these natural consequences is a child fighting back when being bullied. Under normal circumstances (not some of the extreme ones listed in other comments) if a child is bullying another child, the natural consequence of that is that the other child should be able to defend themselves. I have absolutely no sympathy for children who need to feel power over other children by emotionally or physically attacking them. Maybe if children knew that instead of just holding it in, crying, or walking away that there was a good chance the other child would give back what they were given maybe the bully would not be so quick to hand it out.

For some children it is better to tell a teacher or other adult because they do not feel capable of handling the situation (and in some cases it is dangerous to do so) but in simple cases doing that seems to give the power to the bully and the teacher instead of where it belongs, which is with the child being bullied.

As a disclaimer, I do have a background that makes me more sensitive to this issue. I believe that no one has the right to physically or emotionally make you feel powerless, especially so that they can feel powerful. I believe that letting them get away with that by teaching kids to let it go and to suffer silently encourages bullies to bully and victims to continue being victims.

Fri, 2009-03-20 07:59

My daughter was being bullied by a child in her playgroup. The child would get into things with all of the kids on occassion, but it was especially bad with my daughter. My little girl would end up crying every single playdate because this little girl had hurt her either physically, or emotionally. The parent tried to discipline her daughter with time-outs and sometimes even leaving the playdate, but nothing seemed to stop this girl from hurting my daughter or the other children.

The last straw came one day when my daughter ended up at the Pedicians office for X-rays because the little girl had slammed my daughters finger in the closet door. I wasn't in the room to see what had happened, but from talking to my daughter and hearing the little girls words it sounded like she did it on purpose because she didn't want my daughter in the closet.

That was it. My husband told me that my daughter was learning how to be a victim, that she wouldn't stand up to this other child despite our trying to tell her how to speak up for herself. Nothing worked, and our daughter was retreating into herself more and more around this other child.

What we did was quit the playgroup. We started taking her to new playgroup acitivies with other children and she has thrived. Gone is the quiet, shy, victim child who cried every playdate. Instead we have a confident, outgoing five year old who gets along well with many friends, and who is a victim no longer.

I know that I won't always be able to swoop in there and save my child from all the bullies of the world. But at three years old it was time to say enough is enough and with time she has found the self confidence to stand up for herself and I don't think that would have happened had we left her in the playgroup with that little girl.

Tue, 2009-03-17 13:40

We all bring to these discussions our own experiences. I had two run ins when I was young - one was sexual harassment on the bus in 4th grade - yes sexual harassment by fellow 4th graders (CRAZY!). I asked to be picked up for a week so I wouldn't have to endure them pulling at me, bumping into me on purpose or pulling on my shirt. One day my mom couldn't pick me up so I, a 4th grader, went, by myself to the principal. I took it into my own hands. The boys were brought in too - that was horrible - having to be in the same room as them. But you know what, they learned that I was not afraid to go to a higher authority - it helped that they too RESPECTED the higher authority and thus stopped harassing me.

Then in 7th grade a girl didn't like that I was "going out with" her friend - she had a major crush on him and I was in her way. She intimidated me, or tried. Again, I went to the VP. On my own, no parents involved. I was scared that this would escalate things outside of school if I saw her but again, she realized that I was not scared to go to the VP and she, again, must have had respect for the VP and left me alone and became nice in fact.

Perhaps, and most likely, I was lucky.

BUT, I do feel that we need to teach kids confidence - to stand up for themselves, using the right paths that are set up to protect them. Teach them to respect authority. And most of all, teach adults to listen to the kids, take them seriously and have a mutual respect.

I think of it as long term - when they are older and adults, if you were at a football game and someone hit your husband, would you want your husband to hit back to defend himself? Yes and no. Yes to get out of harms way but no, in that if the cops came BOTH parties would go to jail. I'd rather my husband walk away, and call the authorities. So I am trying to teach my kids that logic early on. Now, when they are in school, it could end in detention or being expelled, later it ends in a night in jail. All are no bueno!

Dana - I actually do not know that story - admittedly, I am not a bible reader or church goer. But will now go look it up.

Like I said in my video - I wanted my son to stand up for himself (or be able to get out of a headlock should an adult or older teenage use it to kidnapp him) but I don't want him to hit in general - conflicted- that is me!

And again, my child is only in preschool, we are in the beginnings of this, I am sure I will feel differently many times over.

All in all, great discussion - be nice, judge not, learn, grow, discuss and respect!

Tue, 2009-03-17 11:50

My take coming from someone who was bullied from 6th grade through junior year of high school.

I'm totally going to take this to the extreme level. A couple years ago I remember a court case against a high school boy who had been bullied and harassed by another boy repeatedly. One day after school the bully actually followed the boy home and had a confrontation with him in front of his house. The bullied boy reacted, pushed the bully away, and into the street where he was hit by a car and killed. The bullied boy faced charges of manslaughter. Do you still think it's okay to hit back? @Ohanamama, if the bullied boy was a girl, do you think she would face the same charges?

When I was younger, I was bullied on the school bus. First I tried ignoring them. That did not work. Then I tried sitting away from them, which sometimes worked. Then the witty comebacks, which would just escalate the situation into 'who has the wittiest comeback' and turn into people throwing swears and right-out insults. I told my mom when I came home in tears, who told our principal, who called me into her office for a confrontation with my bully. Ask me how great that turned out when your bully knows you're tattling on him. The only reason that bully stopped was because he didn't go to the same high school as I did. I've been kicked and punched, I've been called names. I have hit back and I have called names back. And no, that didn't stop it. And yes, I have even tried being friends. I wish I knew what made me such a target. I think partly because I would have a reaction because I think that's what bullies look for - attention. But ignoring them just made them taunt me more because ignoring is just as much of a reaction.

I think the reason the bullying stopped in high school was because I had a boyfriend who all the guys liked.

As an adult, let's be honest, there are still adult bullies! And I try to face them with a sort of strong, quiet cool shrug response that hopefully says "You have your opinion, I have mine and I'm going to do what I think is right and that's that." Usually that's met with respect. As a kid, that is much MUCH harder to convey. If you can figure out how to teach a kid to convey his confidence to a bully that would be my best advice. But good luck, it's hard!

Tue, 2009-03-17 09:04