July 22, 2009
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35 Comments
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Thu, 2010-03-04 11:13
Jusdbfedfwf
Wed, 2010-03-03 18:43
Tue, 2009-07-28 11:16
I had to comment because after reading this and thinking about how some of my friends disappeared off the face of the earth when they had kids, I realize how lucky I am.
I was never sleep deprived---my husband took 3 weeks off (paid, luckily) when our daughter was born because he knew that I could not be sleep deprived (I have passed out while standing, driven, hallucinated, all learned while working overnight jobs temporarily during the holidays. Perhaps it was motivated by fear, more so than unselfishness?). Then, like magic, our daughter slept through the night after that! (yes, we had feedings at 11pm & 5 am until 2 months, so don't throw anything at me!) I have always been able to take me time (including a yearly trip with friends) & he would never call me while I was getting my hair done unless there was a real emergency. I give him the same in return. There was never a discussion about this, except for maybe some comments before children about how we could never do what some of our friends do (like leaving work because little tiger needs daddyANDmommy there for his haircut or the dentist EVERY time, again, unless it was an emergency or special occasion!)
I am not foolish enough to think that I am not just lucky, that my parenting/relationship skillz have made my life this magical. I realize that I am incredibly lucky in that respect. I just didn't realize how lucky I was to have a husband who just picked up on that stuff. He does not, however, pick up his socks or his dirty dishes and he does not do any of the above without complaining & expecting bribes.
Hmmmmm. Maybe I'm just a skilled briberista?
Sat, 2009-07-25 04:14
Matt, who's ten now, has always been a bit of a night owl. When he was 18 months old I started working part-time in the evenings. I'd be home by 10 and he was usually awake and waiting for me to put him to bed. It's something that's stayed with him; he stays up until oh, about 10:30 these days. Fortunately his school doesn't start until 9:20 so he gets to sleep until at least 8, sometimes 8:30. Also fortunately, once he started kindergarten I was able to shift my schedule such that I work while he's at school.
I get my me time by getting up early. I get up between 5:30 and 6 and suck down coffee and do whatever I want for a couple of hours (usually that means farting around on the computer). I am not a get-up-and-go type of person AT ALL, so this important for me, to start my day in solitude and quiet and have the time to get my thoughts together about what's going on that day. You see, I'm a part-time student, a part-time employee, an active volunteer at Matt's school, I take Matt to school and pick him up, I don't use childcare. So every day is different...seeing how much *stuff* I can cram into the day while Matt's at school--class, work, homework--and yet manage to be waiting outside his classroom door at the end of his day.
The other little treat I give myself is reading whatever I want in bed for a half hour or so before going to sleep. I realize that when I do that, I feel more connected to the world around me, whether it's by reading a New Yorker, or a new novel, or whatever Jon Stewart's been talking about, or one of Matt's books. Sometimes, it can feel like all I ever talk about with the husband is THE SCHEDULE and housekeeping and work and who needs to be where and when (music lessons, sports practices, etc.) mundane things like that. Reading helps remind me that there's *more* to life than getting through yet another jam-packed day.
Fri, 2009-07-24 23:03
I've been through this a couple of times now. The key is to put your foot down and take the me time. Period. MAKE time for it. You need it to stay sane and as long as there is an adult that you trust, who is going to be responsible for your children during your me time, they will survive it and so will you.
If you are breast feeding - It is totally okay for them to take a bottle. Once they are champion breastfeeders, introduce them to a bottle occasionally, if only for your own sanity. [This way Daads can help at night too!] Express some milk before you leave and if your baby is truly hungry, he or she will take it whether you have introduced them to a bottle or not. They will not starve themselves. Think back to the first time they breastfed. At that point they had never had a nipple of any sort, but did they allow themselves to starve? No.
Tell your spouse you are not to be disturbed unless it is an absolute emergency. Leave a contact number, but leave your cell phone at home [or at least turn it off]. The earth will not stop spinning if you unavailable for an hour or two. This is YOUR time, so make it yours.
-Make the time
-Leave someone you trust in charge of your children
-Leave the cell phone home
-Leave the guilt at home
Fri, 2009-07-24 18:37
Harshness is essential. You’re being harsh with yourself – “you are going to do this thing you need/want to do that has no benefit to anyone but yourself” – and you’re being harsh with your family by denying them . . . well, yourself.
Being a single parent makes “me” time more logistically complicated and more expensive, but it does remove the relationship-stress angle. You don’t have a partner who requires equal “me” time or an explanation of your “me” time.
I couldn’t take “me” time when my husband was alive. There was too much guilt, too many expectations. Now as the remaining solo parent, I’m much better about taking care of myself. I have to be. There is no one else who’s going to do it.
Fri, 2009-07-24 09:37
Me time...I get this only by taking a bath every night after my son goes to bed and before my husband does. It is the blissful half hour suspended between two worlds for me:). I spend my days being pulled in 1,000 directions...my students need me, my son needs me, my husband needs me. But for that 30 some minutes, I can read while sitting in a hot tub all by myself. If I don't get a bath my head will explode. Sometimes my husband complains about the water bill, or about how I get to go and be alone for that time every day. I calmly explain to him that he gets to climb into bed every night and ask for a back rub and get to have it before falling into a dead sleep. And, the water bill? It is in exchange for massage therapy...which would be much more.
Fri, 2009-07-24 07:38
Great topic ladies - Daphne, I was nodding in agreement during your description of the mind-numbing noise pollution our older children generate. I get so upset with myself, because sometimes I tell my daughter (somewhat impatiently, to my chagrin) to be quiet because she's hurting my head. . . and I hate that because she has such a wonderful imagination, and wants to share so much of her rich inner self with me, and that will not always be the case. But it's hard, because she's so demanding. . .so I have to steal my "me" time late at night, from the "sleep" category (which does nothing to improve my patience, unfortunately). I admire your self-protective use of the sleep mask. . . and wish to g*d I could nap.
So glad to see that my hubby isn't the only annoying "when you coming home" dude out there -- he makes me so crazy, particularly when I'm shopping. I had one outing where I fielded no fewer than 3 calls from him, all while i was in a dressing room trying on clothes. It's stressful, and undoes any possible relaxation benefit offered. My hubby's smart, so not sure why he doesn't get that. Same, too, with the "why don't you go have a spa day" sentiment he sometimes throws my way -- my response is often "because it's not worth it...i'll get 3/4 of the way through a mani/pedi, and be stressing about whether you're handling both kids, and whether I need to race home." Also, I agree with the sentiment about getting a haircut not being "me" time -- because it's a "grooming" maintenance issue that I find 100% unfun.
I hate, too, that with a 9 week old (and 3 yr old) "a shower" now falls into my category of "me time" that I have to steal from my husband. While I get that, as the baby's primary food source, her care defaults to me, I find myself pissed off at my husband constantly for his protection of his *own* time. . . so instead of two adults who each see themselves as 100% responsible for their children (which would permit alternation among them for respective "me" time), I'm 100% responsible and he's my babysitter. Argh! I don't have any good answers, and am still figuring it out. . .but I think, again, Daphne's onto something with the need to be ruthless about it. I will sometimes walk up to my husband (who happily works from home), hand him the baby, and bark "I need to shower!!!" The bark is usually worse if I have spent the morning doing exclusive childcare, and really bad if, while I've done that, he's done something "for himself" (like get a haircut, as he did the other morning). I don't know why, but it really bugs me when he gets HIS "me time" in (ie, a ballgame, the gym etc.) when I'm not. Doesn't seem particularly loving or generous of me. . . but it's an honest feeling. Nonetheless, I hate having to bark.
It's always my fantasy to somehow get myself up at 5 and have 2 hours to myself before my kids wake up...but i'm too zonked from stealing my "me time" late at night (and that time ends up being spent online) to shift cycles. One of these days...but fior now, I get my best "me" time is when the kids are sleeping.
Thu, 2009-07-23 22:15
My husband works at night, so I have the evenings to myself to create or write or read or play the xbox...whatever! Before he leaves, I tend to take a nice couple o mile walk, to really decompress.
For trips to the salon- the phone is off. I figure if there's something so incredibly urgent that my husband NEEDS to contact me, he knows where I'm at. As much as a tech geek I am, we don't need to become servants to our devices.
And if during the weekend and I am overwhelmed, I have that conversation with my husband and tell him how I'm feeling. He'll take the kids out to the park, or I'll go to the movie theatre by myself. You have to get your partner on the same page, or you're just feeling needlessly overwhelmed. I don't need to be harsh or deceptive or bribe anyone - I just tell them what's up.
Thu, 2009-07-23 21:46
Seriously, sometimes when my husband comes home and were all chilling, I'll just slip away in to the closet. I have a one year old who is showing zero desire to wean himself off of the breast. It's craziness and sometimes I need a few minutes in that closet.
http://bsmiramira.blogspot.com/
Thu, 2009-07-23 18:23
Alas, me time is pretty much non-existent for the time being. My 3.5 month old is finally starting to get the hang of napping, but I have a big research paper to defend in September. One hundred pages of well-organized, thought out research. So far, there are exactly zero pages.
I'm hoping for some me-time come October, if I'm lucky.
Thu, 2009-07-23 07:39
You're looking at my me time. *sob*
I snuck out of bed at six, awake since 5:30, wondering if I could actually survive a shower, blowdry, coif, makeup and wardrobe to film a segment before going to the office at 8:30 for my two work days while the kids are with Daddy. I'm still thinking.
Heather, the answer to how single parents do it is: we don't. Not very well. It's crushing. And I'm lucky because my ex has 50% custody, but that just means that when I have the kids it's 24/7 Mommymommymamamamamommymooooooom and the five hundred stories about the last few days I didn't see them and where are my shoes I don't have any shoes and can we go to dad's because I forgot my adapter and how come you don't have any Goldfish - didn't you go to the store while we were gone?
No! I slept! I worked! I folded laundry, cleaned, wrote, filmed, designed, swept, watered, cried, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember but am pretty sure I'll be doing later today. And I really don't want to do it all made up for the camera, so I'll wind up scrubbing my face and going to work like that. And today will be the day my boss will want me to test some video messages for the company's site.
Sleeping usually does it for me, but I also need someone to pound the tension out of my shoulders and neck (for free? anyone?) and pay my bills. That should make it easier to enjoy Me time, if and when it graces my doorstep.
Thu, 2009-07-23 07:10
Me time is something I try to get right around bedtime. Almost impossible during the day. If I try an eye mask I'm positive I will not be left alone. If I do manage a break during the day I have to lock the door and tell DH I'm going into hiding.
Shalanda
htttp://www.shalandarian.today.com
Wed, 2009-07-22 19:19
Me time?! Really!? I don't even get to pee alone because I have a daughter is in potty-training! My lame excuses for me time are... grocery shopping, napping, showers... all of which are interrupted by an outside force. My real me time comes from spending a rare evening with friends, reading a magazine on the hammock while Moanna sleeps, but you know what I really enjoy... when I get called out-of-town on business! I get a TV, a king-size bed, and a bathroom all to myself! AND I eat really good adult food for all three meals! I love going out-of-town on business!
Wed, 2009-07-22 16:43
forget about bribbing your kids for "me time", brib your husband! that is brilliant!!! what a blast..keep the momversation going!
Wed, 2009-07-22 15:53
Honestly? I think it's kind of sad that you want to stay at the office in order to avoid "bedtime". To each her own, I suppose, but these days are going to fly by and you are, mark my words, going to miss those little arms around your neck asking for just one more story. I'm no supermom, but I can't imagine deliberately avoiding my kids for time alone after a day at work.
Wed, 2009-07-22 15:45
I totally agree. It made me a little sad, too. Even when bedtime is HELLISH, and we all know it can be sometimes, I rather be there than anywhere else.
Thu, 2009-07-23 18:22
One of the moms said that she stays late at work so she doesn't have to go home to do sleepy time...
I can totally relate. I stay late at work almost everyday, I'm alone at the office, I'm reading blogs, listening to music...It's so peaceful! I also love taking the public transportation bus. I grab the newspaper or a book and read. There's no way I can read a newspaper at home! Children's books yes, adult books, NO... Showering is also a nice Me time thing! My daughters knock on the door trying to get in, they say mommy I want to take a bath with you... OH NO you don't! Bath time is My time!
Also Heather Mentioned about her hair cut incident, it reminded me of when my oldest daughter (now 8) was a baby I wanted to get my hair cut and my eyebrows done. I had to take her with me to the salon, and she was fine in the baby carrier for the haircut but when it was time to do my eyebrows she started fuzzing, so i picked her up. They eyebrows was being done by wax and when the lady pulled the wax she left me with a very thin eyebrow as opposed to the regular sized eyebrow opposite that one. She started freaking out and telling me that the baby startled her and then she tried to even both eyebrows out leaving me with what it seemed like a pencil drawing of an eyebrow. Needless to say I didn't get my eyebrows done there anymore!
Wed, 2009-07-22 14:07
This is a biggie for us, no matter how old our kids are, I think. When my two were babies, it was all about grabbing a novel and sitting somewhere (even in the bathroom) when I knew they were contained safely. When they got old enough to do school, it was making sure I made GOOD use of their school time.
What it comes down to, is that finding me time is mostly about prioritizing and so, every day, I try to prioritize (not in any particular order):
- An early morning run (pre dawn, pre kids out of bed!)
- Time with the girls (doing whatever! last night we ate caramels, drank wine and painted our fingernails)
- Volunteering (churches are great for this - they'll keep your kids for you while you exercise your brain and heart!)
- Time with my husband w/ no tv or distractions after the kids are asleep
I also started my own (shoe) company. It is a flexible work schedule (I'm the boss!) and so fulfilling. I know that when my 7 year old starts yelling at me for a reason only known to him, I can put him in a room with legos and go do sales calls or read a trade article (about shoes.)
Find your own priorities. Rope your husband into helping you set them firmly into your schedule, and be clear with your kids about the expectations (if they're old enough).
Good luck to you all! :)
Wed, 2009-07-22 11:20
One thing I missed a lot when I first had my daughter 6 years ago was seeing movies. As she grew, I could take her to kiddie movies, but it just wasn't the same. Then I had my son, who's 2, and it was back to square one. Then I realized, duh!, go to a movie once the kids are in bed. Now that's what I do about twice a month. My kids are tucked in bed, my husband is home (probably watching hockey), and I get my "Me" time doing something I love--watching a movie and eating Junior Mints!
Wed, 2009-07-22 08:28
Whoa. I was just watching and then all of a sudden...WHAM. Deception? Ok, I realize that this could be necessary for your sanity...but I cannot believe you have to LIE. Is this to your kids or to your spouse? Is it, "Mommy's head will ACTUALLY BLOW UP if you say her name ONE MORE TIME" or is it more, "I have to stay at the office an hour late tonight" while you go get a soda and a burrito in the Taco Bell parking lot? Either way...eeek. Maybe I'm just lucky, because if I needed to got out and get my hair done, or go out with friends, or go to a movie...I just go. I tell my husband, "I've had a hard day," and before I even get out what's wrong he says, "Leave the Bubbs with me and go for a drive." He's a natural caretaker, but we've also talked about it, a lot. To the point where we both realize that we have breaking points, and we try to step in for each other without the "are you going to be home soon?" calls and emails. A breastfeeding baby is different...even my husband called me when my son needed to eat from my BOOBS...but I remember when I had a two month old and I'd go to the gym and to the movies and the only texts were from me saying, "Are you two ok? Do I need to come home?" and John would say back, "No, we are fine. Have fun." I'd come home to find out my son had screamed the whole time. But he dealt with hit. And when my turn comes, I deal with it. Because we like to be sane. Deception? Hmmmm....not sure what to think about that. There has to be a better way.
Wed, 2009-07-22 07:51
Erin, You are one lucky lady. I shook my head when you said if you need to go out you just go.. wow, jealous. Perhaps it becomes more a factor when you have more than one. (I've twin pre-schoolers & a gr. 1 girl) As an earlier commenter said, the logistics of getting out of the house sometimes are so enormous that you'd better have a darn good reason to take that time to do "whatever", and be ready to trade off that time to him again at some point soon.
+1 to Deception... and its not Dirty Deception.. more like, Yes honey, it really does take two and a half hours to get my hair cut and coloured... or Yes, I really will take 2 hours to grocery shop, and actually take 20 minutes poking around in a bra store because there's no way you can do that errand with small people at your hip.
Keep doing whatever you're doing though, Rock on!
Thu, 2009-07-23 17:50
Kelly,
Twins. So have you received your letter telling you you've been Sainted yet? I remember when I was pregnant I wanted twins SO BAD, and then when I had my son I was all, "WAIT, some people do this with TWO???" I still kind of want twins- I think it'd be an incredible ride- but still. I stand and applaud any mom who took a shower before they were 2 months old.
ANYWAY. I agree, I am super lucky. I think in our relationship, my husband is the one who doesn't feel resentment about what he does or doesn't do, what his "responsibilities" are. I'm much more likely to get mad when he goes out and I'm left at home. I'm working at being as good at giving him me time as he is at giving it to me.
As I thought about, I decided how I feel about it more specifically. Even when it's not UGLY deception, even when it's just teeny little lies, if you don't tell your husband and kids exactly what you need, they'll never learn to give it to you. We all take a few minutes while we're out shopping or while we're already out- but I'm talking about all out FREE time. Not running errands, not bringing home dinner. Just TIME.
As for the pretty good reason for doing whatever, I wrote about this on my website...but I find the sentence structure: "I need to _______ so that I can __________ " works pretty well. As in, "I need to take a shower on my own so that I can get rid of this headache" or "I need to go for a drive so I don't kill someone." That way they know what you're going to do and the positive result you will achieve after having done it.
Honestly, I really don't think the "deception" that we're talking about about here is down and dirty lying- no one's going to Hades because they stayed at work for an extra half an hour. I just think that moms would feel even MORE rested and happy if they have husbands and children that learned (over time, maybe) to help them have what they need.
Thanks for the response :)
Thu, 2009-07-23 18:21
Oh...my...God.
As I sit here typing this... My wrists are sore. My butt is spreading. My head is pounding. I've taken so much migraine medicine this week my husband is probably going to come home one day and find me slumped over my computer drooling over this script I've been slaving away on for more than a week.
The "career me" wants to crank it out like a good television producer. The "mom me" just wants to throw in the towel and hug my little Natalia. The "me me" just wants a massage, a private yoga instructor and my husband to do what I say at all times.
The night before last when I found myself still holed away in my home office at 1 a.m. I realized this job has sucked the joy right out of my life.
And now it's up to me...not my boss...or husband or anybody else to get it back.
So from now on no more bitching...I am taking time for me. All of me. Now, how I'm going to do that working countless hours I don't know but I'm going to do it. Damn, it.
Wed, 2009-07-22 07:29
I love getting some me time. I have even wandered around after a hair cut to extend my me time just a little.
Wed, 2009-07-22 07:28
Great video. I feel that me-time was much easier with one kid. Now, with two toddlers, frankly, the amount of logistics I have to master in order to slip out of the house for an hour or two is sometimes too daunting and I'd rather just stay up late with a good book after the little muffins are in bed.
Wed, 2009-07-22 07:09
I actually find me time while cooking dinner. My husband watches the kids while I cook. It may not seem like much, but it totally works for me.
Wed, 2009-07-22 07:03
I am so with Daphne on the vacation being, well, not really a vacation once you have kids. We just returned from a week in Northern Michigan for the first time since having a baby, and OHMYWORD it was chaos. Nothing like previous vacations, in that we spent most of our time tethered to a baby monitor or defending our one-year-old, newly walking child from sharp and pointy objects. Just a new normal, if you will.
Anyway, as pathetic as it may sound, I get me time when I grocery shop by myself, spend a couple hours working in my classroom, or during naptime when I blog, shower, pay bills, do laundry (in the event that I even feel like doing laundry), or read.
When you're a mom, it's like you're always "on," multitasking like crazy so that not only is baby happy and occupied, but also so that dinner is in the works and the bathroom sink is clean for the first time in ages.
It might not be the me time that I once had, but I really do love being a mom and just have to come to terms with the fact that I can't do everything now that my son is around :D
Wed, 2009-07-22 07:02
Currently I'm going through an adjustment period, having just moved in with my boyfriend and his two little boys. Even though the boys are only here 50% of the time, the other 50% of the time I end up mostly spending with my boyfriend. I have trouble carving out time for myself to do the things I used to get done in my spare time at home -- household stuff like balancing the checkbook or organizing the house. Then there's the stuff I like to do that he doesn't (read: hours of bad TV ;) )When the kids are around, it's all about them and when it's just us alone, we want to take advantage of the time together, so a lot of those things get pushed off to the side. We're getting better about it though. One of our main strategies is to make sure the kids get to bed early. They are routinely in bed by 8. This, in my opinion, is good for them AND good for us. That gives us an evening to both spend some time on our own and then come back together for some QT together. I see a lot of couples who are still running around after kids as late as 10 and I think it's a little bit of self-sabotage. By then, you're ready to pass out and then 6am rolls around and kid-life is starting up all over again. Our other main thing is if one of us is feeling overwhelmed, we step away. It's great for us both to be there with the kids, but sometimes, you just need a break and as long as one of you has a handle on things, you're golden. So I might go and hide off in our room or go out for a bit...He might take a nap or go for a run. Besides giving each other "me-time" it also helps either one of us from unnecessarily snapping at the kids.
Wed, 2009-07-22 06:23