How Do You Prepare for a Second Child?

Mon, 2009-05-18 02:16

I don't know if it's because my oldest was 2 1/2 when my second was born, but my second was sooo much harder. And I don't mean things like changing diapers or feeding that was all second hand. The two of mine are such polar opposites that it hit me like a freight train. My oldest was so easy I thought this motherhood thing was a piece of cake. Then I gave birth to this little man with so much passion his highs are super high and his lows are super low. And easy going was not something he remotely had in him. He was such an opposite to me it frustrated me to no end. I couldn't understand being so upset because the blanket was facing the wrong direction and as a baby and toddler he couldn't let me know that was the problem. PURE Nightmare. The older he gets the easier he gets because he can fix things himself and express to me what the problem is. But, those first few years were not so fun! With the temper tantrums. And mind you had I seen a kid do that before my second I would have thought what are the parents doing wrong. Because my oldest would only pull things like that once or twice and I nipped it in the bud. It's incredibly frustrating when what you used on the oldest doesn't work on the second! =o)

I am now pregnant with our 3rd and I am hoping this one is more easy going, but I also think it will be much easier because my two boys will be 9 and 6 when this baby is born and I won't have to worry about what they are doing as much because they are pretty self sufficient!

Mon, 2009-05-18 05:51

2 was hard for me. When I was busy helping, nursing, or changing baby #2, my 2 1/2 year old was off doing who knows what. I had a harder time entertaining my older child while I was trying to attend to my new baby.

I have to say that baby #3 was easier for me. I now have 2 older kids that can entertain each other when I'm trying to help my baby.

Parenting is a game, like chess. At times, much strategy is involved. Some moves are easy, some take more observation and time. What move do you do make, what are they going to play back, and who will say, "check mate" first, me or the kids?!

Mon, 2009-05-18 06:34

When our son was almost a year old, we did entertain the possibility of baby #2. And while we ultimately decided we didn't want a second child, we did spend some time talking about the preparation (both mental and physical) involved. One thing that everyone kept telling me was that second babies were "easier" and that I wouldn't "sweat the small stuff" as much. I'm not sure if I would have been more chilled out as a second time mom or not. I guess I'll never know (our son is eight and we are definitely not having another).

-Karen
http://grapesatmidnight.com

Mon, 2009-05-18 08:25

I'm with Wendee a little bit on this one. Although mentally I had prepared myself logistically for #2 to come along (knowing how to breastfeed, schedules, etc.), I don't think I was quite prepared for the emotional toll it would take on me.

My first child was so incredibly easy going; great pregnancy, great birth, totally chill little boy. My second, however, was not easy. Rough pregnancy, horrifying birth (I'll spare you the details!) and he is a little devil child compared to his older brother (though I love that little devil child more than my own life).

As they've gotten older (they're 4 and 2), things have smoothed out a bit, but juggling the toddler and the infant was no cakewalk. Like Marie mentioned, you're trying to nurse a newborn and keep a toddler busy at the same time! And like Rebecca said in the video, I struggled with guilt, like I was taking precious time away from my older child.

The upside to it was that there is absolutely NO GREATER JOY than seeing your kids be affectionate to one another - holding hands, giving hugs and kisses, and OH MY GOODNESS THE LAUGHING. When you hear them laughing together for the first time, THAT is a little slice of heaven.

Heather, I think you will be so ready for this, especially because Leta, formerly Her Screamness Who Screams A Lot All The Time Every Day With The Screaming, is 5! She will be an amazing big sister. (I'd also like to add that I think child labor is sorely misunderstood, so make sure you put her to work for you! Let her be mommy's big helper!)

Best wishes to you, Heather, and to all the mommies who are getting ready for number two (or three, four, or five!).

Mon, 2009-05-18 09:55

My second, third and fourth came soon after I started dating my now husband. We had just moved in together and his oldest came to live with us. I had a one year old and suddenly also had a 3-1/2 year old in the house. There was no way to prepare for another child in the house and no way to explain this to a 1 year old. I love all of my children equally and am greatful to have such wonderful children in my life. My husband and I have now started trying for one together. I am scared and excited all at the same time. My daughter is now 8. The youngest of our children is 6 and here we are starting over.
We have prepared all the kids as best we know how. We've been talking about getting pregnant for months now so they know it's coming at some point. Each child says they are excited and of course each wants a brother or sister for MUCH different reasons. We know from having such a large family that you are not "cheating on your kids" and there is ALWAYS enough love to go around. There will always be a special bond with the first born, or conceived for those who have lost children, because the first child is what made you a Mommy.
Enjoy the time you have just before bedtime and take each day to tell all of your children how much you love them and why each one is your favorite. They will each think they have a big secret.

Mon, 2009-05-18 11:02

The first kid is totally the practice kid! Ha! I'm not sure what way there was to prepare for #2. Both of my children were "surprises" to me, but #2 more so than my first. So I was not mentally ready for a kid that I was planning on having years later! My boys are 6 years apart, so it's a balance attending to their individual needs since they are at such different stages in their life. Did I feel guilty about having #2? No way. I come from a medium-ish family, so that sort of dynamic is what I'd like to see in my own family. Growing up with siblings was fun..trying at times, yes...but fun. I want my kids to have that, and to know they don't need to go far at all to find a friend. There's clashes at times, but that's expected.
And funny enough, last night as we were walking back from the park, my sons (who were bit ahead of mom & dad) grabbed the other's hands. That's a site that always makes me just stop and smile. For all their differences and disagreements and "mom, he pushed me!", I know they care about each other.

Mon, 2009-05-18 11:34

One is one, two is ten. Or so I've been told. :)

I have one, and unless a miracle happens, she'll be the only. It occasionally hits me almost like grief that my child won't have a sibling and that we are complete as a family. This was by choice (age is now a factor as I turn 43 this year, but there were other contributors to our decision as well). I do wish sometimes that I could do parts of it all over again, knowing what I now know, and hopefully being more relaxed about the whole deal the second time around. But we are happy as a family of three and don't feel like there is a gap that needs to be filled.

My daughter occasionally wishes for a sibling though and being her Mumma I of course want to give her what she wants, but it ain't gonna happen. So for me the question ongoing will be how do I give the one I have the tools she needs to be a compassionate, independent individual and not feel like she's been deprived.

For those of you with (almost) two, or three, or more! - I'm filled with admiration for you and wish you every blessing.

Mon, 2009-05-18 11:52

I started planning for my second baby the day after my first was born. I guess I just felt like motherhood was the role I was always meant to play, and I couldn't wait to do it again. Once I was pregnant I definitely had moments where i worried about spending less time with my oldest because teh new baby would need me, and i almost resented the unborn baby at those times for taking me away from the baby i already knew and love. I of course knew that i would love the second baby just as much, but it isn't real until they are in your arms so adjusting and preparing for that change can be hard. but I had doubts about everything changing when i was pregnant with my first too - you get to that point where you don't want to be pregnant anymore, but you also kind of want your life to go back to the way it was. but then, of course, you get to the point where you are so ready to be done being pregnant that you don't care what happens as long as someone get's the baby out of you!! i think this is the true purpose of the last four weeks - not to get the baby ready to live on it's own, but to make you so uncomfortable that ny fears you have are forgotten in the face of just getting your body back. And now that my first daughter is 3 and my son is 20 months (with another baby girl just 4 months old), I love seeing how they play together and truly love each other. I would never change my job as mother, and I would never change my mind about having more than one child. I am an only cihld and I had a great childhood, but seeing my children play together, help each other grow, and be best friends is the greatest gift I have ever received. there will always be doubts about changing your life - but the end result will also always be worth it. And to everyone who worries that one is one and two its ten - don't let that deter you. I really didn't experience a huge increase in the work involved. Even now, after having three kids under 3, and being all by myself for the past 6 months since my husband moved away for a new job and our house has failed to sell, I still don't feel overwhelmed. So good luck to anyone planning on increasing their famiy, and best wishes to everyone out there who already knows the joy of having more than one kid. http://practicalpablum.blogspot.com/

Mon, 2009-05-18 16:08

Rebecca, thanks for sharing that beautiful moment. I couldn't hold the tears back on that one.

As for having a second, all I can say is it seems like anything else. Every family will experience this differently. If you had an easy going first child and end up with a very difficult second, life is going to seem really hard for while. If you have the reverse situation, it's going to seem like a walk in the park.

I don't have kids.....but have been given the opportunity to peek into the lives of my sister and all our friends going through having #1 and then #2. Depending on who you ask, some will relate stories of bliss, while other share their stories of desperation.

From what I can tell, a big factor in preparing and then coping with #2 depends not only on the temperament, attitude and behaviour of the children themselves, but that of the parents as well!!

My usual joke when I see a 1st child that is an angel is that they are the misleading advertisement that convinces parents to have another. From what I have seen, #2 can be quite surprising, either way.

Heather, I think you paid your dues with your 1st, so the second has been mandated to be the easiest going child ever!

Best wishes!! :)

Tue, 2009-05-19 02:07

Ladies, what a great topic! I am two weeks (give or take) away from introducing baby #2 into our household and I am constantly fluctuating between excitement and dread. I have a six (almost seven) year old who was such a handful that it took a long time and a major leap of faith for us to come to the decision to have #2.

Before having my first-born, I thought that I wanted to have 3 or 4 kids. When my son arrived, however, I was blind-sided. Motherhood was so much harder than I expected!! Looking back I realize that a lot of my struggle had to do with my son's highly energetic & curious personality. At the time, though, I felt that my difficulties were a direct result of my inability to parent and my lack of confidence intensified my feelings of inadequacy.

I hope that with this second (and definitely last) child I have more confidence. I know that I am much more laid back than I was seven years ago, which should help. My son is excited for his little brother to come and because he is older, I'm not as worried about his transition - hopefully he can talk about how he is feeling and identify his emotions.

Still, I worry about the early post partum months - the lack of sleep, lack of schedule, and constant search for a routine. I wonder if I am ready for this. I was in the clear - no diapers, 8 hours of sleep a night, in control of my body - and now it's all going topsy-turvy. There are moments when I think, "What have I done?!?"

I guess I'm going to find out soon enough. :)

Tue, 2009-05-19 11:11

SomethingGirl is right in that it depends on the kids you get. My second never slept unless he was in my arms. About 15 months of that, people... That said, he was WAY happier and more easy-going than baby #1. (though he is proving to be making up for that at age 7...)

There is no greater joy than the spontaneous affection between siblings. If only the love would last longer and the smacking each other upside the head because someone looked at someone else funny or touched someone's leg or breathed on someone else....

Tue, 2009-05-19 18:57

Wed, 2009-05-20 22:41

I was so pleased to see some positive commentary on having a second child. We have several friends who have recently added a second child to the mix and each family is rife with "issues". I think the difference in age makes a big difference. It gives me hope and makes me smile when you talk about the kids holding hands - as we start discussing adding a second child to our family, that is the imagery that propels me toward a resounding, yes!

Wed, 2009-05-27 17:24

Come on gals, am I REALLY the only one who wanted to throw something at my monitor while watching this? When one of the gals said now she has as many hands as children, honest to God I threw up a little.

I have four children that are 10, 9, 5, and 3. I am also a US Army wife with a husband who has been gone 3 years out of the past 5 years. Now remember I LOVE military life and am overwhelmingly proud of our service. But to hear mom's actually complain about TWO children when they have a husband who is at home just really makes me want to smack them. A word comes to mind that would not be polite to use in general conversation and is frequently used in relation to a cat. ;-)

Really? We're getting worked up about TWO kids? And you have a husband at home? And you have grandparents that live in the same time zone who will actually give you a break? And if hubby goes away he is not getting shot at? AND you're complaining!? My God, that must be rough. I mean, I didn't complain once when I was alone with 3 kids or when I was pregnant with #4 and living a million miles from any single person who loves me. I didn't complain when when I was on bedrest in the hospital and my girl friends had to rally together to take care of my family. I was absolutely grateful to be able to have the baby and to have people willing to help me. And none of my friends complained when it was me holding their hand and seeing their little miracles come into this world instead of Daddy being there. I don't remember any of us asking how we would do it. We just did it! You are making me lose faith in women being the stronger of the species. I guess this is why my family and others like us make these sacrifices though, so everyone else can whine about having two children.

I guess strong women really are a dying bread. This whole topic has really decreased my feeling of pride in American women.

Thu, 2009-05-28 10:05