How Do You Teach Your Kids to Be Independent?

Wefwjnegjjw

Thu, 2010-03-04 10:52

I love this segment
We always encourage our daughter to be independent it helps that that is her natural instinct. Since she was crawling we let her figure things out. Stuck under a chair ( safe) she would cry and I would tell her she can do it after she stopped crying she stopped lookd at the chair and figured out how to go under it. she makes her bed , she makes a mess she has to clean it whether its her toys or a naughty writing on the wall episode. She is 5 and we are currently teaching her how to do her own laundry. She gets herself dressed in the morning and brushes her teeth.

I had a roommate that never had to do anything and as a 21 yr old woman she didn't know how to take care of herself. I think childhood is a time to teach your child to be productive, self reliant adults.

Tue, 2009-05-12 15:28

Woo! Independence is so high on my list of priorities! I think I confused the pre-k teacher at a parent's conference when I explained all the things I wanted my daughter to be able to do by age 11. I think I said something like, drive, rent an apartment, support herself and retain a circle of highly dependable friends. I laughed at the end because of course I was kidding- almost.

I totally agree with some of the previous comments about it being easier to take up the slack for an only child. At the same time, I struggle and worry about pushing her too hard toward independence. As a single parent, I want so much to make sure she is happy and loving, but I also want to be sure she's no ones fool.

I grew up with a girl who was the only child of a single parent family and I was always so jealous because her mother had somehow turned her into an incredible efficiency machine. When most of us were fighting with our parents to use the car, her mom gave her a to-do list the same day she passed the driving test. Looking back, it's clear what was going on. Her mother had lost her parents and they were the only family the two of them had. She needed to be sure my friend would be ok no matter what and with the way the world has become, I totally get it now. The trick is to do it without stealing her innonence or childhood away and that's where I try to be careful.

I'm sure I've said it before, but the best way for me to encourage indepedence is by encouraging independent thinking. More often than not, I ask her what she thinks about things. We talk a lot about consequences, outcomes and the process of things- we talk. I make it a point to share AND listen. I make it clear that her thoughts, opinions and points of view matter (although as the parent, mine are the bottom line) and for that reason it's important to say what you mean and mean what you say. If we're trying to get out in the morning, or we're simply in a hurry, I will help her a long with her shoes and coat, but I don't make it a habit. Overall, I'm trying to send the message that if you want something done AT ALL, you have to do it yourself, but if things get hard- ASK for help and I'll always be there.

Mon, 2009-05-04 08:31

I am one of six children, and my parents were divorced soon enough in my life that I have no memory of my dad living at home with us. While I was growing up my mother was working on obtaining her PhD, so obviously she was very busy, more so than she would have been had she only been a working mother. My father had more time to spare than my mother, but I only saw him on weekends. This situation led to my parents not really being capable of coddling us, even if they had wanted to. Not that they did, though, my mother being a Montanan by birth, my father by choice. They're both salt of the earth type people, of that whole mountain man/cattle rancher type of mentality. They tried to raise us to be capable, and either through their attempt to mold us or out of necessity we did become capable.

I learned to tie my shoes on my own. I learned to ride a bike on my own. After learning the basics, I practically taught myself to read. I remember constantly being put in charge of watching the two year old son of some close family friends. I was eight. I can't even remember being taught how to change a diaper, I was just doing it. I knew that he was my responsibility, and I took care of him. Did a damn fine job, if I say so myself.

I think children will rise to meet the occasion, you just have to give them the opportunity. I'm extremely thankful that my parents raised me the way they did. I look at other people my age, whiny little brats who couldn't survive without mommy and daddy's support, and I realize how lucky I am. One of my friends isn't even allowed to drive, and she's older than I am.

Sun, 2009-05-03 20:39

I dont think we'll have a problem with this. My two year old is so independent. He brushes his own teeth, he moves a chair into the kitchen when he wants to wash dishes - he goes to the closet and brings me the movie that he wants to watch.

I DO get nervous though when hes at the playground trying to climb - I totally hover over him with my arms at the ready incase he falls. He's two --- maybe I'll back off in a year or two.

Sat, 2009-05-02 14:35

My parents didn't teach me to tie my shoes. My completely flabbergasted first grade teacher did. And they didn't teach me to ride a bike. Did that myself. But to this day I pretty well suck at it. And they didn't talk to me about sex. They let the school handle that *eye roll*. Luckily for them, I was the type that was scared of it until my early 20s. I could easily have been really curious and gotten knocked up at age 17, just like my mom. Sex is a biggie. Talk to them.

But, my mom did give us chores with monetary rewards. BTW, Dana, an allowance doesn't have to be given regardless of what work is done. If the work isn't done, don't give them the money. The lesson is as simple as that. That's what my mom did from the time I was like, 9, and when I got my first job out of college, I realized what a great work ethic she'd instilled in me.

My mom also made sure in high school that we knew how to do our laundry, do dishes, clean a bathroom, change a tire, that kind of stuff. So that she could send us out into the real world with some basic skills to take care of ourselves.

Fri, 2009-05-01 13:28

My daughter is four now and has been picking out her own clothes for at least two years. We employed the same method as Dana -- choosing a few outfits and letting her choose one. Now, she chooses her own clothes, which means she usually ends up in at least one-and-a-half outfits, but, she's four and the eclectic look works for her.

Also, she's been cleaning her room since she was two. She does this completely on her own (except things like vacuuming). She clears her place after she eats also.

I also try to let her make small decisions throughout the day, such as choosing the way we'll walk home from her school and choosing which books to bring home from the library. It doesn't seem like much, I'm sure, but I think it helps.

Also, I understand and succumb to that need to sometimes just get out the door and wanting to do things for her, but I try to check myself on this as much as possible.

Also, as Asha said, I totally take advantage of my daughter's desire to help out. At this point, she wants to help wash and put away dishes; she wants to feed the cats; she wants to help fold the laundry and put it away...and I let her help with all of these things.

Fri, 2009-05-01 02:34

I love the save-spend-charity allowance idea. My son's not old enough for an allowance yet, but I'm going to use that one.

Being an active man, I encourage physical skills and risk-taking, within limits of reasonable safety. I'm not afraid to let my son experience pain, so long as there's not excessive risk of real injury. I think it's important to learn that there are dangers in the world, and being careless can get a person hurt. When he climbs things, the primary rule is, "Don't climb up what you can't climb down." If he climbs something that challenges his skill, I remind him of The Climbing Rule as he begins. If he's unable to get back down, I stand just out of his reach and guide each hand and foot into position for the descent as I ask him to suggest each step, but no matter how much he begs, I don't let him reach for me to get a free ride down. I'm not afraid to let him fall, and he knows it. Of course, I wouldn't let him really get injured though. Now he's good at climbing, and has some common sense about it.

Ever since he was able to stand, he had his "cooking chair" next to the stove. He was the "sous-chef" to my "head chef." I'd trust him next to the hot pans and knives because I taught him to respect heat and sharps. His first word was "hot", as we played with a lightbulb that was uncomfortably hot. I wanted him to perceive danger in a visceral way. It's important to learn that the world is not made out of padded surfaces and safe pastel-colored toys.

Trying to get him to do the right thing is sometimes a challenge for me. As a rule, I prefer using trickery to force, and I prefer him to learn to be responsible even more.

The first few toothbrushings were a minor ordeal, and I didn't even try to actually clean his teeth. I wanted him to learn that toothbrushing was for him too. I told him all about the tooth bugs that live in our mouths. I let him try to brush my teeth a little bit too. And yes, I'd pin him to the floor when necessary. What I found worked best was to pretend to brush "his babies" (stuffed animals') teeth. Sometimes, "the baby's squirming" and we needed to "do the holding-down kind" of toothbrushing. Then we'd prop the toys up to watch, while my son would set a good example for them by letting me thoroughly brush every surface of his teeth. I'd narrate as I brushed, "now we're doing the inside left top... and the inside right top... " and so on. It took three times longer to get his teeth brushed, but after a couple of dozen of those games, it became less of a production. Now his teeth get very clean. I've gotten pretty good at turning things into a game, and adding imaginary stakes to situations. It sounds terrible, but sometimes benign manipulation of a young child is what you gotta do.

In general, I try to insist that he make a convincing effort to do one new thing each day before I'll do it for him. And I give a little advice on how to give it a more successful attempt for next time. And I don't get annoyed if he does a bad job of something. I just get him to help me clean it up, or I redo it and explain as I go. Or I'll just leave something he did imperfect and let him feel proud he did it. I've been doing this since shortly after birth, when I trained him to grab my fingers to be lifted into a sitting or standing position. There's always something new to try each day. Now he's very independent and competent for a three-year-old.

Thu, 2009-04-30 16:04

My 7 year old, probably as part of being an only child, is not too independent, so I try to let go and let her do the things she wants to handle on her own. We're working hard on age-appropriate independence. She doesn't want to get dressed by herself, but she wants to cut with a butcher knife and put things in and out of the oven for me! So just this spring, we have started letting her go to a local neighborhood park with some friends. The other girls have a cellphone that they take, Caroline wears a watch and gets clear instructions on what time she's expected home, how long it will take to walk from there to home, etc. And she's done phenomenally at it, and it is encouraging her to be independent about other things that she would have balked at before.

Thu, 2009-04-30 14:40

Our twins are 6 now. The girl has been and continues to be waaaaay more independent than the boy -- beginning with potty training and now well into cooking meals (mostly) on her own.

And while, yes, isn't that all great and good, she's now obsessed with doing things on her own and helping out EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. And I know that must sound ridiculous to complain about, but she's totally that example of how anything in excess is just not really a good thing.

She's even moving into that next stage of anticipating what might need to be done next and taking it upon herself to do it when it hasn't even been asked of her yet, and, bless her heart, is either not quite right or actually was not needed at all.

The boy, however, has learned to take complete and utter advantage of his sister's neurotic impulses, frequently tasking her with his own chores, and paying her in compliments, knowing full well that she thrives solely on acknowledgement and appreciation for her efforts. And as much as I want to strangle him for being so lazy, it's hard to punish the boy for working smarter, not harder.

But anyway...I guess we started actively encouraging their independence around 18 mos or so with the potty training thing, and found out pretty quickly that the more we asked them to try to do, the more they were capable of doing. And I totally agree that you have to let the "I can do it" mantra guide you. They really do have a sense of their of being ready for the next thing. Within reason.

So, they now have daily chores (which they split and alternate), including bringing the mail in, letting the dogs out, picking up the dogs' poo, watering the garden, helping to set the table, and feeding and watering the dogs. Then they have weekly chores of taking to the curb and bringing back in the trash/recycle bins, and helping to put away dishes and groceries.

But because I'm just soooo bad about paying them for their chores on a daily basis (they don't get an allowance without having earned it), they now each get to pick something on the weekend (based on equal weighting of 1. behavior at school, 2. behavior at home, and 3. completion of chores). Sometimes it's a toy, a book, a movie, mini-golf, the water park, etc. But I had also heard about the money for saving/spending/charity idea and am still determined to implement that at some point.

They've also been dressing themselves every morning for a few years now (we, too, lay out their clothes during the week, but on the weekend, they're free to chose whatever they want -- well, sort of), brush their own teeth (which he still does a terrible job of), make their beds (which they've been doing since they were 2 -- hers, you can bounce a quarter off of -- his is a jumble of quilts and stuffed animals).

But you know, as much as I think they're so strong and intelligent and self-sufficient little creatures, I have to keep reminding myself that they are only 6. That they still need the opportunity to enjoy being a child. And that has to include moments of frivolity and even carelessness. That they're not going to get it right every time. That getting it right is such a relative term. And that "I can do it by myself" could still get them very seriously injured if I'm not paying attention -- and sometimes, even when I am.

But that's what it's all about, I guess -- this delicate balancing act between raising responsible, well-mannered contributors to society and not killing them.

The Adventures of Saia & Chago

Thu, 2009-04-30 10:00

This one cracked me up this morning...and I so needed that:). I totally agree with embracing the toddler mentality of "let me do it!". My son is all over that right now, and when he says it, I jump right in with "yep...go right ahead." Does that mean I let him run down the street, higglty-pigglty? No way! But I've found that he likes to try things, as scary as it is for me to let him fail sometimes. I totally get the falling off the ladder analogy too. Jack loves to climb things...chairs, couches, tables, you name it, he will climb it. I'm always screaming at him to, "stop it" and "for god's sakes, get down before you crack your noggin open"! (to which he squeals with delight..."noggin! TV!") The other day, he fell before my husband or I could get to him. Now, the climbing is more cautious.

Now, at two, Jack does not have chores, per say, but he does have certain things that we expect of him. When he finishes his milk/juice/water, he is to put his cup in the sink. He loves to do this...mostly because he loves the great smashing sound it makes when he bashes it into the sink. When he finishes a snack, he is to put the wrappers into the trash bin. At the end of bath or playtime, when I start to pick up, I enlist his help, and mostly he does follow my lead. And, when we enter the house, he is to close the doors. Our philosophy is that to be a member of a family, you must contribute. We're teaching Jack that he is now a contributing member of the family. Even at two, he seems to take pride in his small contributions. I don't want a college freshman who stares at a pile of laundry and wonders when the laundry service will be by to pick it up! (yes, I have a friend who's son actually said this out loud!!!) I want a son who not only knows how to do laundry, but sorts it as well!

Thu, 2009-04-30 06:31