How Has Divorce Affected You?

I just wanted to say this is one of my fave Momversations. Thanks to everyone who shared their views.

Mon, 2009-05-18 13:13

I actually wrote a paper about divorce and whether or not it always has a negative impact on the children involved. The statistical facts say no, it doesn't have to have a negative impact. How well the children handle it depends on several factors. Basically, it has to be made clear to them that they are not the reason for the divorce, they need to know that both of their parents love them, and that they'll still get to see both parents. One of the biggest fears of children having to deal with their parents divorcing is that of the possibility of not seeing mom or dad anymore. Custody should always be even if at all possible, with as little stress on the child as possible (you know, the parents shouldn't live on different sides of the country.)

Maybe my own personal experiences don't really count here. I wasn't old enough at the time to have retained any memories of my parents splitting. It's a little sad, but in the first memory I have of my father, I didn't know he was my father. I remember my older siblings going to hug him, and I stood back for a moment because I had no idea who he was or why they were hugging him. So obviously, having no memory of that time period, I don't know on what terms they divorced. I don't know if they fought or if he walked out on her.

All I know is that, from my earliest memory, my parents have always been very friendly towards each other. It would surprise my friends when they found out they weren't together anymore. My mother won primary custody, with my dad having visitation rights on the weekends, but she didn't hold that over him. He was allowed to drop by whenever he wanted to. I can recall him coming over and making dinner for us a lot.

I have never witnessed them fighting. They were both always on the same page of parenting. It seems like they did their best to not do any of the usual divorced ex-spouse behavior. He lives half an hour away, but my dad was always there when I needed him. When I was fifteen and got in a fight with my mom, they let me move to his house. I stayed there for six months until my relationship with my mother mended. Even though we weren't on speaking terms, my mother made sure my father knew he had to buy me tampons, haha. Those were good times. I guess the overall point is that they let bygones be bygones. For whatever reason, their relationship didn't last, but they didn't let that get in the way of a casual friendship and their unbreakable partnership as the parents of children.

My dad is currently going through some medical issues. His doctor told him to come in with a family member to discuss treatment options. My mom was the family member he took. Even after divorce, you should still be family.

Sun, 2009-05-03 21:12

I have to say I was so pleased to finally be breaking up with my husband! Ecstatic. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to last, but I think the whole point is that kids change everything. It is difficult to explain to a 3,4,5, 6 or even 10 year old, why our family isn't Mommy & Daddy. For years I dreaded the subject matter of any and all books and TV shows, because more often then not, the premise is family- a family that is often defined by a mommy, daddy and kids.

After continually being stumped for answers to my daughter's questions, i made it a point to seek out books and TV shows that portrayed ALL types of families. Single parent mom, single parent dad, two mommies, two daddies, inter-racial, books, movies and TV shows exist, though they're a bit harder to come by. I expose her to those to ensure that she never feels as though there is something wrong with our family (though you can never guarantee what your child will feel about anything), that every type of family faces probelms, and that a family is what you make it.

I do not bog her down with my problems; financial, emotional, or otherwise, because she can not control any of it. Just the other day, it was all I could do not to stay in my room and cry because of a mortgage that has gone way out of control. My instinct was to leave her alone with the TV and let SpongeBob get her through to bed time, but I chose to do a craft project instead. While we sat togther and made popsicle sculptures, I temporarily put my woes to the side WITHOUT making them her problem. Its our job to give them a happy life regardless of the choices we make. I also know for A FACT that all of my woes would've been doubled (maybe tripled) had I not gotten that unhealthy relationship out of both our lives.

Fri, 2009-05-01 11:06

My parents have been separated for 25 years now. My mother refused to get a divorce because of the 'stigma' that's attached to divorce in the Indian culture. They also thought that staying together would be good for the kids. So my brother and I lived in the same house with BOTH my parents even though they never spoke to each other.

Now let me tell you that even though I was loved by my parents unconditionally, there was no 'love' in the house. I grew up in a very tense environment, dreading my parent's next fight. It came to a point where they wouldn't even fight, but would send messages via a messenger - me. Needless to say I couldn't wait to get out of there.

I wish I were strong enough to say that those conditions haven't affected me, but given my relationship history and the fact that I've realized that I'm happier single, I can't say so. I look at my brother and I know it's affected him even more.

My point is - I WISH my parents would've gotten a divorce and lived their own lives. I'm not saying that people should get a divorce at the first sign of trouble. Love is DEFINITELY worth fighting for. However, if a couple is happier once they're separated, it is definitely BETTER for the children.

Wed, 2009-04-29 14:18

Holy cow has this opened up a lot of comments from a lot of people. What a deep topic for all of the panelists, Mindy especially. Thank you so much, Mindy for sharing and for letting yourself be so emotionally vulnerable and honest and real.

For me, getting a divorce was not only the way to fix a broken (or maybe it was just in the process of breaking, or breaking me) household, but the best way to show my daughters that it is so vitally important to put on your own oxygen mask first, and then you will have the strength to help them with theirs. Or they might even find that they are strong enough to put it on themselves.

Congrats to all women who are working on living in honesty, taking care of themselves, and embracing their own souls whether it is at the beginning of a new marriage, deep into a long one, or after one has ended.

Cheers to us all.

Tue, 2009-04-28 21:47

My parents divorced when I was about 4 and my younger sister around 3. They've both remarried, and my father has divorced a second time. My sister and I are 20 and 18 now, so we obviously have a lot of growing up to do and I certainly don't have anything to say about my own marriage --- that's YEARS down the line.

What I wanted to talk about was the fact that my parents had true 50/50 custody. Although it was a lot of work for my parents to maintain - they lived 30 minutes apart for several years and carted us back and forth - and a stress on me and my sister, I will be forever grateful that they both made this commitment to us. I got to grow up knowing both my mother and father extremely well. I know that tons of circumstances lead to other types of custody, but even in 5th grade I remember my best friend only getting to see her dad every-other weekend and it broke my heart for her. I know that not every situation allows for equal time, but even with restricted custody, it's the effort that counts. I think a lot of fathers (and children) get the short end of the stick.

I'd also like to say that my sister and I turned out great. We're good students with great sets of friends and handle romantic relationships much more responsibly, loyally, and lovingly than most of our peers. Great parenting can happen even when the parents live apart. I hope that being the child of divorced parents gives me strength in my future marriage, but it's also given me the ability to see when two people should no longer be together. I'm proud of my parents for handling things the way they did.

Tue, 2009-04-28 17:54

I am confident enough in her massive body of work and years of experience to say that my mother is in the top tier of the best critical care nurses in the state of California. She lives, breathes for her job.

That didn't leave much room in her life for my dad and I.

I can remember screaming at the top of my lungs at my parents, just to get them to stop screaming at each other for 2 seconds, and begging them to get a divorce. If they were talking to each other, there was a good chance the talk would turn into an argument would turn into a screaming match. If it was less than 30 minutes before dance class and the shit was starting to hit the fan, I just left and walked there myself.

I could not and still cannot figure out what brought them together, and what in God's name made them think they should stay together. My dad and I can talk about this openly now that I am all of 24 years old, since we have been socially outcast from my mother's extended family for being the "loudmouth liberals".

"You get that from your father, you know," an aunt will say to me when I wear my Obama '08 shirt. I smile and proudly say,
"I know."

Moral of the Story: You are not doing your children a favor by not allowing yourself to be happy. By all means, go to therapy, try to work it out- but sometimes you just need to know when to say when.

Tue, 2009-04-28 15:26

My parents divorced when I was 22, my older brother was 24, and my younger brother 18. Since we weren't "kids" anymore, my parents did none of the "let's sit down and talk as a family" about the divorce. I remember my mom telling me she was moving out, and my dad badmouthing her after she did, and telling everyone his "victim" story, and sitting around letting people feel sorry for him. Basically, neither of them handled it well and both of them focused only on themselves during the divorce. We kids were adults, I guess, and could handle it. My dad has actually told me it's better for him to pretend that my mom doesn't exist (which causes me to ask, "Then how do I exist??"), my older brother hasn't spoken to my mom in almost 6 years and my younger brother hasn't spoken to her in 2 or 3.
The affect its had on my marriage is I am constantly terrified that I am turning into m mother and that everyone hates me, including my 7 month old daughter. My husband and I don't get into disagreements, we get into marriage-ending fights that will ruin my daughter's life if she ever witnesses them. At least, that's what they are in my head.
I'm glad my parents are no longer together. Prior to the divorce they had a marriage that was full of anger and lies. However, they sure as heck could have handled it better.

Tue, 2009-04-28 13:23

I'm so HAPPY I'm divorced - it was the best decision of my life. Our standard of living is much higher, my children are happier and healthier, I am happy, productive, successful, loved and capable. I was careful to not put my kids in the middle but I did talk to them, and talk, and talk - in an appropriate, supportive way (see the "Divorce Care" and "Sandcastles" programs for more).

A marriage certificate wasn't going to compensate for an unhealthy marriage, and a divorce decree doesn't negate my now happy, healthy home. The paper doesn't matter, the reality does.

I don't dictate how others divorce - I have no right to. It's fantastic if you can live next to each other and co-parent intimately and have shared custody, but that's rare (about 15% of divorces). For others distance or sole custody (like myself) is the healthiest solution.

Anyone who reacts with "congratulations, you've ruined your child" is saying MUCH more about THEMSELVES than about you. The vast majority of negative reactions I've witnessed come directly out of fear the speaker has about their own marriage and issues, not mine. You can't win against prejudice.

The reality is that divorce happens for all sorts of reasons. A large part of the reason that it causes harm is not because of what happened in an specific divorce - but the prejudices, judgments, labels, expectations and attitudes of the rest of society about divorce. Like the label "broken home" indicating a single parent home - but not a married parent home.

Like Brett Butler used to say "My kids don't come from a broken home, when I got a divorce I FIXED IT."

Mon, 2009-04-27 22:36

My parents divorced when my brother and I were eight and five, and didn't do a real good job of explaining anything. One day we were a family and the next dad lived across town. We lived with my mom and only saw him every other weekend and I resented my mother a long time for that, especially because he died the next year, and the year after that she came out as a lesbian.

Only after moving in with my partner and starting our own family did my mom feel comfortable telling me the details of the split, including the fact that my father initiated it. It's amazing how quickly we can be overcome by the feelings of our eight-year-old selves, even years later.

Was I traumatized by the divorce? No, more startled. I was the only kid in my group of friends with divorced parents. But even though it changed my world, it didn't damage it irrevocably. And if my parents found more happiness apart...well, that's how it had to be.

Mon, 2009-04-27 13:00

My parents were divorced when I was 9 years old, and MAN was I glad!!
My parents were pathetic!! Even at 9 I knew they had a crappy marriage. Of course I didn't even know half of the deceit that was going on in my parents marriage, but I just knew that my parents should not be fighting the way they did. We couldn't go anywhere without them getting into a hideous fight and ruining the whole day. On top of that I had a best friend in school who's parents were divorced and she got two bedrooms with two sets of clothes and two sets of toys!! I thought that was awesome! Of course, that's not how it worked with me... instead my dad married another woman with a ton of kids and they got all the toys instead of us. But, in the long run, even now as an adult, I am so damn glad my parents got divorced! I can't even imagine what my life would have been like if my mom stayed with the man she was married to. I speak of my dad that way because he is a completely different man than he was then. He was a total cheating ass hole!! But now he's getting older and wiser and has finally come to the realization that his children are the most important thing in his life and wants to keep it that way. Phew!!
I'm really proud of my mom for finally having the courage to leave an abusive man and get help. It really showed me, now as an adult and married, to be cautious, smart, and a strong woman... and to not put up with any shit any man puts you through! If my mom hadn't left my dad I'm not sure that I would have the courage to end the abusive cycle, stop being a door mat, and marry someone that is incredible!!

Mon, 2009-04-27 11:55

I know two families, who married in 1950 - my husband's and mine grandparents. So both families/marriages are almost 59 (!) years old.

I never saw my grandmother and my grandfather sleeping in one bed - for many years they live in different rooms. I know, that they wanted to split up, when my mother was 3, but they decided to keep the marrige - "for not ruining kids' lives". And my mother still regrets it - she wishes, they would better had gotten divorced, and she would have had happy parents in her childhood...

My husband's grandmother told me, that she thought about divorce, when her sons were 5 and 1. But she also decided to keep the marriage "for the kids". (I'll remember her words for the rest of my life: "Well, of course, it was hard _at the beginning_ - for about _7_ years...") - but NOW these spouses are just like one person, they accept each other absolutely, and they really can't live one without another.

My mother gave birth to me, when she was 19, and she was married 3 times after that (she divorced, when I was 5, 12 and 23). And just like Mindy, for some time I was very afraid of divorces. But now I think, that relationship between parents is more important, than the fact of their marriage. People should do whatever makes them happy. Othewise children will learn how to struggle - and THAT can ruin their lives.

Mon, 2009-04-27 11:32

Hmm, divorce. Let's see, my parents divorced when I was 6 years old. It came to light that my dad was molesting my older sister, so there was no question of divorce. There was no working it out. And as you can imagine, there was very limited contact with my dad after that. So, I lost a parent and also had to deal with my dad now being a "monster", a "child preying sicko", but I was a child and he was my dad, and I still loved him, but I couldn't share that with anyone.
There was little to no communication about what was going on directed towards us kids, so that makes the transition very scary. I think kids need to be in the loop about what is going on, on their level of course, so they know what to expect.

Now in my own life.....

I was never married to my older children's dad. He proposed to me when we were 18, weeks after our daughter was born, but I wanted to wait a few more years. I don't take marriage lightly, and wanted to be sure.

We separated when our daughter was 3 1/2 and our son was 7 months old. We've remained friends and he has stayed in our children's lives. We never fight and the kids adore him. I know it makes my oldest sad at times that we are not together, but I think that's mostly because her dad hasn't found happiness in a relationship, and she wants him to be happy.

My husband and I have been married for a little over 4 years. We both come from broken homes, and dysfunctional ones at that. In spite of that, or maybe because of it, we are very committed to making our marriage work. It is not always easy, in fact sometimes it is very very hard, but it is a lifelong committment, and we've already been through so many things that would be the "deal breaker" for a lot of people I know. But we're always working through, growing as a couple, and learning to be less selfish and really appreciate each other.

Just to break away from the personal for a second, I think with the prevalence of divorce nowadays, many people are being raised in broken homes, and so they grow up not knowing what to expect from relationships. They don't have one modeled in their own homes, they don't see the difficulties that couples face and how to realistically work through them. Therefore, they/we have romanticized expectations about our spouses and marriages from movies, books, and the relationships we see around us on a very surface level. So when things are not as we expect them to be in our own marriages, there is frustration, blame and eventually we quit, because we've been told we deserve better.

Mon, 2009-04-27 09:58