I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics!

Ugh, this is so hard. The thing is that it's so. hard. not to get angry, esp. when you really feel so strongly that your views are not only right, as in correct, but also morally right and humane and generous. I'm sooooooooo, I guess, angry with my family for being so genuinely ignorant to how easy thier lives are compared to so many other people, people they think aren't REAL. It makes you feel sad to think, are my family bad people?

Mon, 2008-11-03 17:38

It's not just the people who share your blood but the people who share your BED. I wrote a piece called "Sleeping with the Enemy" that got more attention that anything else I wrote for Huffington Post including Keira Knightley's breasts: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/darryle-pollack/sleeping-with-the-enemy_b_...
Meanwhile there are lots of Carville/Matalin couples behind closed doors. I'm just glad we're not one of them anymore, and for the first time in our marriage--when Obama wins tomorrow-- my husband and I will get to celebrate together!

Mon, 2008-11-03 17:51

Heather, I think maybe your blog is just as much about your relationship with your folks as it is about your relationship with leta and jon, in a good way. They just don't have a category for "prodigal daughter blogging" the way they do for mommy blogging.

In a lot of your posts it seems like you have your family's opinion of you in the front of your mind when you try to explain your point of view. This might also be why you take it so hard when the trolls hate on you. I mean, good for you for having a soul, but the world is full of trolls, and it's not your job to get through to all of them.

Since you care so much about writing, and you put so much of yourself into you blog, you've made this work your way of opening up about politics with your parents. Religious views aren't rational views, so you and your folks come at these problems from different frames of reference. It's like newtonian versus euclidian geometry, or whatever. Their world is flat, your world is round.

Mon, 2008-11-03 18:41

I'm originally from Texas, and I joke that I had to leave because I didn't fit in. My family back there, however, is still just as you'd expect, very red state. I tend to avoid political topics altogether, but every once in a while my father can't resist bringing it up -- I think Fox News whips him into a frenzy or something. There was a time when I'd engage and likely end up hanging up on him, but now I just say it's not something I want to discuss, because we don't agree and never will. His favorite thing to do -- and i am dreading this today -- is to call me on election day and tell me that he's "canceled" my vote by voting for the other candidate. Steam is starting to come out my ears just from talking about it, so I'd better stop.

-- Pamela of FM and http://freerange.ws

Tue, 2008-11-04 05:57

My family isn't even involved in politics but, being Mormon, my church family is. A lot of Mormons ARE Liberal but sometimes it can feel like we're squeaking from below the Conservative giants. I'm not even American but I couldn't help myself from posting a last minute shout out for Obama, targeting Mormons. http://moourl.com/mormonsvoteobama

Either way, I'll be somewhat glad when this election is all over.

Tue, 2008-11-04 08:09

This is so timely. I was just thinking about this today; how I feel like I need a support group to help me cope with the realization that some of my oldest friends are racist and therefore stupid and not worthy of being my friend anymore. But how do you just cut people off?

I am lucky, that this argument is not coming from family members, but my friends. But that is sad as well. I have known some of these people for 15 years and this election has brought out the truth about them that I did not know. Some of them have actually admitted to me that they will not vote for Obama because he is black. Many of them believe all the false lies that have been told, like he is a Muslim (as if that is bad) and that he is radical. One even asked me if he was even American. I just rolled my eyes. Come on people!

It has been a very sad time for me. I have fought with some of my friends back and forth over this and I know that we will never agree.

Do I continue to befriend these people and hope that after the election is over and time passes we can be friends even though the truth is out or should I cut my losses and look for new friends?

Tue, 2008-11-04 11:03

"when it comes to politics, my husband and i pretty much share the same brain..."

LOL-my husband and i are the same way. i could probably vote for him. i don't like talking politics sometimes bcs. it can be such a touchy subject. especially when you're in disagreement w/ family members. i like Daphne's suggestion on bringing up humor. nothing like comedy to break the tension :).

Tue, 2008-11-04 11:29

Heather, I feel your pain. Luckily not with my own family, but my in-laws. And, my husband. I have been told to refuse to talk about it or not bring it up, which I have tried...it hasn't worked. I'm passionate about it and so people are just going to have to deal with my "socialist tyrades" when they talk to me about the public school system or the war, or pretty much anything. My advice is not to try not to talk about it or ignore it but to be as informed as you can possibly be and make them look stupid. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside every time!

Tue, 2008-11-04 13:06

I have the problem with Republicans in the family only they're not the religious variety. Which almost makes it harder. Religion I can understand - but just being idiotic implies there's a problem with the intellectual stability of our gene pool. With my uncle, I can actually have a passionate debate and it's still all good. When my brother got stationed in Texas and turned to the Dark Side in 2004, however I just had to quit talking to him. We're only now starting to rebuild our relationship - on non-political terms.
If I were in your situation, however I think I'd fight self righteousness with self righteousness. Christ was a communist. And a pacifist. The beauty of the Bible is you can find a dozen verses that contradict whatever "logic" they throw at you.
You can't convert others via the ballot box or by a presidential signing statement. All you can do is be a bright, shiny role model and just as God gave humans Free Will so that they can choose Him freely, you as a citizen have to give your fellow godless citizens the same opportunity to come to God through their own hearts, and not because the government decrees it. blah blah blah. So in actuality, THEY are the ones "sinning" by the way they are voting on social issues like Prop 8, because THEY are the ones presuming to know God's Will. And are directly interfering with the greatest gift God gave his children - the exercise of free will.
Don't concede the moral high ground. Tell them how much it breaks your heart to think that they're all going to Hell when you have absolute certainly that you will be in Heaven, and how much you'll miss them for eternity.

Tue, 2008-11-04 14:29

My father, a staunch Republican, and I, a passionate Democrat and Obama supporter, have decided to not talk to one another for two weeks after the election...in essence a cooling off period and transition time to heal wounds. We stopped discussing the election a month ago after a shoutfest that was not productive at all. Now I have to say, my father and I are known for our "lively" discussions...that's one of the things that we love about our relationship. But...this election has been brutal, and we are unable to find any kind of common ground. So we have agreed to disagree. The rest of my family refuses to engage in discussing anything about an election that I think is the most important so far in my lifetime.

So what do you do? Commiserate with your friends who have similar political views and volunteer for your favorite candidate.

Tue, 2008-11-04 14:59

This vlog (is that what this is?) is a great idea. I'm always a fan of smart women, but I can't stand the smug "conservatives are so dumb" vibe that is rampant on blogs. It's here in this video, too, leaving me wondering if this very cool idea for a blog will be alienating to someone like me (a conservative who voted a straight repub ticket, except I voted for Obama). Conservatives aren't stupid. I have an MBA from a top-tier school. We're not naive. I've lived and traveled all over the western hemisphere. Please don't condescend.

Heather's constant distain and ridicule of her family's religion is poor manners. It's why I don't read dooce anymore. It stinks to see someone being so disrespectful of her "loved ones" right to believe differently than she does.

Which is really what the topic of this conversation comes down to--we each have the right to believe differently. If the beliefs cause major familial conflict, prioritize your love for your family members by avoiding the topic.

Tue, 2008-11-04 15:37

I have avoided my dad altogether during this campaign because I get too worked up trying to pry open his narrow mind. To him, you can't have any faith or values if you disagree with his uber-fundamentalist views. I guess Christians aren't allowed to be liberals, huh?
No matter... I'm confident in my values, both religious and political. And I hope I'll support my kids even if they grow up to disagree with my choices. But for now, my babies (including a first-time voter!) agree that Obama will better serve our country as president. (Voting pics at http://gojennings.tumblr.com)

Tue, 2008-11-04 17:56

My family is kind of an interesting mix. My mom is a Republican, my dad is a Libertarian, my sisters and I are Democrats, and my brothers are Libertarians. We debate very, very often, but it seems like the only one who ever gets flustered is my mother, and that's probably because her political views are fueled by her Christian beliefs and not by logic. My dad is actually incredibly crazy when it comes to politics (he also lets his religious views influence his political views), but instead of fighting over our differences we tend to just make fun of each other. I think we can respect each other's views, even if we don't agree with them all of the time. I do see a lot of his points though, and where he's coming from (as long as it's not some stupid religious anti-gay thing). I get along very well with my brothers and their beliefs, we agree on a lot of things. Of course, my sisters and I get along splendidly.

I think my family handles debating politics so well because we're always fighting about SOMETHING. When you fight as much as we do, you tend to get over hurt sensibilities pretty fast and learn not to take everything so personally.

Tue, 2008-11-04 19:58

I second Emke's advice. Reasonable people can have differences of opinion, and sometimes you just have to allow people to have their opinions even when you think - or know - that they are wrong. Choose your battles, speak the truth, and do the absolute best you can to advocate for your values, in spite of what others may think about it. Instead of trying to prove how you are right and they are wrong (or vice versa), you all would be better off just listening and saying, 'thanks for sharing your point of view. My point of view is...' It is what it is. I bet all of you would say you love your country, your values, hope for the best for your children, etc. You just have different philosophies on what is needed to get there.

I always think of the passage in the Bible that says, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do". It works for everyone in healing these rifts.

I would also like to see less religion-bashing. Bashing religion just because you have decided to choose a secular path doesn't make you the better or more intelligent person, it just shows that you're being as intolerant as the religious people/views that you reject. Atheism could be viewed as a religion, just without a God.

There are many intelligent people who believe in "something" greater than themselves. The beauty of freedom of religion is the choice to practice - or not practice - any faith. Having religious beliefs does not mean that you are somehow an unevolved, irrational "flat earth" person. To me, it means that you believe that there is something so great in humanity and the universe that you can only describe as spirit or God. I tend to be more of the universalist/humanist type than the didactic "only one path" type, but it really isn't up to me to decide whether or not someone else's beliefs about God are right or wrong.

All I ask for from religious people is that they don't try to shove their point of view or spiritual practice on me. That's a matter of respect for my freedom. I always tell people that they are welcome to pray for me if they are worried about my belief system, but they don't get to tell me what to do.

Wed, 2008-11-05 12:37

That was great. Just wanted to say that I'm loving your new site and can't wait to see more momversations...brilliant!

Mahalo, Sarah

Wed, 2008-11-05 14:23