June 17, 2009
Remember the 1998 movie, How Stella Got Her Groove Back? It was about how Stella (Angela Bassett) rediscovered the sexual side of herself again with the help of a Jamaican vacation and of course, a young Taye Diggs. Women who've become mothers are juggling so many new things in their lives, that they sometimes supress that sexual side of themselves and elevate the mom side.
Its not easy to find your groove again, but it certainly is necessary. Daphne Brogdon asks the Momversation gals and you, "Is Your Mom Self Overtaking Your Sexual Self?"
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17 Comments
Jusdbfedfwf
Wed, 2010-03-03 18:34
Oh, and BTW. I used to be a total nympho. Ok, well not quite a nympho but VERY active sexually. Now. I could leave it or leave it. I don't know if its hormones or PND or what. Can I still blame PND after 3 years? Jeez...3 years is a big gap. Maybe its Men-O-Pause. You know, the break you have between men.
Wed, 2009-11-04 21:37
The last time I had sex was when I conceived my now 3 year old. Seriously. I totally suck. Well, I USED to totally suck but now....my poor, long suffering husband. Sigh.
I have a new title: MWLTFBSJTT
(Mum Who'd Like To F*** But She's Just Too Tired).
Wed, 2009-11-04 21:33
I've got two words for you ladies: Friday night. TAKE IT BACK! Throughout my life, for one reason or another, Fridays have always been my private little Christmas Eve. It is date night! Honor and respect date night like you're 17, even if the date is with yourself!!! Otherwise, you have offcially become your mother and you have no one to blame but yourself.
It is common knowledge amonsgt my friends that I DO NOT hang out with my kid on most Friday nights. If you want to hang with me on a Friday night, whether it's dancing, dinner, a movie or just sitting around telling dirty jokes and talking about sex toys- leave your kids at home or get rid of them! I have made it clear that since I don't hang out with my kid on Friday nights, I will not hang with yours. Friday night is my 'remember to be myself' time- the self that existed before kids were ever an issue. Everything and anything is up for grabs on that night! Even the night is negotiable! Maybe due to scheduling, my Friday night has to be a Thursday, Saturday or a Sunday night. The only thing required for a Friday night, is that the next morning have no heavy demands that require excessive thinking or mobilization. That's what a Friday night is all about. For self preservation's sake, fight for it!
If I'm too pooped to pretty up on my night, than I may very well be found lying in bed watching movies that include subversive ideas with WAY too much cursing and gratuitous nudity; surrounded by wine and pizza. Again, the only thing that is not negotiable about Friday nights is children. Sure I've got one child, so you could say it's a piece of cake for me, but I have a several friends; single mothers like me, some with 3 kids, other with four- even five! Since I've been advocating for Friday nights, I've found it interesting that the ones with more children are the ones more likely to secure a system for preserving it!
Accidentally sleeping through a Friday night is a bummer and to preserve my sexy self, I try like hell not to let that happen. I regulate Friday night just as I do the housecleaning, because I feel its just as necessary. I spent two Fridays watching movies? Ok, gotta go out next time. Spent three Fridays drinking wine at a friend's? Ok, gotta get dressed up next time. - It's that simple.
I know that there are still people whose children are the center of the universe 24 hours or day. The problem is as a result, those children tend to behave as though they are in fact the center of the universe. Do what you want, but if you're inadvertently raising one of these kids because you can't manage to preserve your individual identity, rest assured they will eventually meet a kid like mine who knows that EVERYONE needs and should demand a chance to be an independent, individual- even mommies.
Giyen- don't waste the shoes!!!!!
Tue, 2009-06-30 12:51
Yea! I'm not alone. A few thoughts:
1) I don't get to get drunk anymore (pregnant, breastfeeding, being responsible mom, DD, etc.) This puts a major cramp in my desire to get frisky. Sad, but true. Note to husband: Let ME get tipsy the next time we go out and YOU drive and maybe that nympho side you that got us in to this situation to begin with will reappear.
2) I do have to *make* myself do it sometimes and although this is another sad state of affairs I've never regreted it afterward.
3) Take advantage of the times you are awoken in the middle of the night by a whimper from the baby, bark of the dog, need to pee. You're up anyway and at this point have had *some* sleep, so grab that male hiney sleeping next to you and do it with your eyes half open.
4) Regarding the heels. I've been reading lately that the way heels make you stand are some how linked to you libido or something. I choose to believe this.
Final thought as long as you talk about the downturn in the sexconomy and laugh about it I think you'll be good to go. We talk about our somewhat pathetic post baby sex life a lot and it really helps. He knows I'm aware and I know he's aware and we're not living a lie. In the meantime we dream about the Cialis-commercial type days where we'll be old and creepy frisky again.
Thu, 2009-10-01 12:52
Certainly, personally, it's gone through stages for me and my marriage. And I completely agree that my personal body image, level of commitment, tiredness, etc.... makes a huge difference.
I have 3 children ages 10, 7 and almost 3, and during baby stage, I tend to be an tired, over-touched grump. Like don't even dare to touch those boobs, they are working all day and they are on a break!
When the kids get a little older, wean, I get my pre baby shape (and wardrobe) back, I feel much more sexually confident.
Not that we ever took a long hiatus, but it's more fun when I have more energy and confidence.
Also, I agree that the men need to "keep trying" with initiation, because yeah, hormones depending, we may smack you down, but sometimes we may just be ready and willing.
Fri, 2009-06-26 12:32
Add another vote here for this syndrome. I probably started out on the lower end of the sex-drive spectrum (although I'll pass on the monikker "frigid," thank you very much!), and have definitely slid from there. Weaning helped, as did having my body return a bit to its former size and general function, all of which took forever (at least a year).
Anyway, I thought that the comment from Mindy on needing the stimulus "from within and without" was very apropos. The shoes (or whatever else makes you feel sexy) are a great idea, and just getting it into your head and/or making some effort/space/time is clearly important, but I also think that partners need to step up. For example, if the first sign of "romance" occurs once we're both horizontal, it's really going to be a low-probability of success -- if you're missing the sex, then you should be willing to help your tired and off-kilter chick get into the mood, whether it's a little flirtation, or a snuggle from behind, or whatever. If you wait for me to get out my black lingerie, it's certainly going to be on a frequency limited by my hormones (you do the math), and then by my energy (and humor and all the rest); if you *remind* me that I'm sexy, then you're already most of the way there! I think there's way too much tendency to put all this onto tired moms, when sex, like parenting, works much better when responsibilities (and fun!) are shared...
Tue, 2009-06-23 09:43
Yep. What the hell is sex? I can't even remember.
Tracy
Fri, 2009-06-19 18:06
Wow, I do not have this problem at all. But I think Daphne was right about the "marry a nympho" thing because I had a TIRELESS sex drive before the baby and hell yes, it's still here 10 months later. Unfortunately my husband suffers a bit from post-baby tiredness/loss of desire. So our fights about sex are usually because I want it more often!
I kind of feel like a freak about it, actually. But I'm a very relaxed mom, I was not "transformed" by motherhood. I don't worry at all about germs or being a perfect mom. I feel very much like my pre-mom self, only there is a whole new set of skills and a whole new wonderful relationship in my life. I don't focus my life around my baby, I work my baby into my life. Maybe that attitude helps me stay in touch with my sexual self.
Thu, 2009-06-18 11:04
Asha said something about sex becoming just another thing to check off your to do list, but actually I don't think that necessarily has to be a negative thing! I am the lone ranger among my mom friends who has a pretty dang good sex life (2 kids - a 7-year-old & a 10-month-old). Been married to the same man for almost 9 years, and I'm not going to say thing haven't changed in that time, but we really make it a priority. But much of the time that means doing it even when it DOES feel like a chore ... even if it starts out that way, it rarely ends that way!
I hear so many different complaints from my friends - one of the most surprising that their husband is not into it any more, which I can't relate to at all. Others just can't see doing it when everything isn't "perfect", or you're tired or you're not in the mood. BUT the more you do it, the more you GET in the mood. And just like they say about exercise - go ahead and give it 10 minutes, if you still want to stop, go ahead. I think it gets overthunk too many times - even if you are tired, really? How much time and effort does it REALLY take? And you feel great afterwards!
And I totally agree with the high heels. My feet hate them, but I just automatically feel sexay when I wear them and hear that click click when you walk.
Thu, 2009-06-18 09:17
oh. my. frickin. word.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the honesty ladies. So it isn't just me!!! My daughter is 6 months now and I have never, ever, been happier, yet I've never felt less sexual.
I'm not really stressed about it. My daughter is still solely breast fed so I'm hoping that my libido will kick in again once I have weaned her. I do feel bad for my husband though...
@kristenhoffrr, there is definitely a part of me that is thinking 'so what..'. But all in all, balance is a wonderful thing and it would be nice... wonderful.... perfect...(unachievable?) to have a healthy, active, sex life AS WELL as being the best mum I can be.
On that note, I have arranged to have my wee'n minded tomorrow night so me and the ol' man can go see a movie. It's not exactly a rampant weekend away but it's a step in the right direction.
Wed, 2009-06-17 18:43
This is ruining my MILF fantasy! :'(
Wed, 2009-06-17 17:13
Me too!
Wed, 2009-06-17 17:13
Hmm, has the mom side taken over?
My husband and I finally extracted ourselves from my son's clutches the other evening, only to fight about how little sex we have and who should make the moves on whom for fifteen minutes. Just as we were getting over ourselves and ready for more action than words...
"Mom! I'm on the toilet! Can you bring toilet paper? Hurry!"
So I think that's a big yes. Sad.
Every once in a while there's a moment, but we've just gotten so hum-drum about couplehood in general that we don't really seize those moments. I want to want to, but I don't want to, you know? Well, maybe not.
And now I shall erase this from my Internet history, or my husband will get me for telling the Internets about our bedroom business.
Wed, 2009-06-17 16:25
I wonder if there's anyone out there who is just like, "So what if the mom side takes over?"
Anyway, good question/conversation, and I love the way Daphne ended it! I also thought Asha made a good point: if you treat sex like another item on the to-do list, it's not going to be the fun quality time it could be. So much of sexuality is mental, and as Asha and Mindy said, dressing the part can make you feel more confident, and confidence is both sexy and healthy/happy (for yourself).
Wed, 2009-06-17 10:35
I don't know that my mom self is totally taking over my sexual self, but it's more like my sexual self is just taking a really long time to bounce back from becoming a mother. I sustained some major damage when I had my son, and I was terrified to have sex again, and we didn't for 4 months after. Bless my husband. And now that we do occasionally find the time, he always picks the day when I'm totally bloated, when my boobs are sore from nursing, when I haven't shaved in a month, when I spent the entire day cleaning up cat puke and having baby food thrown at me, you know...the wrong moment. And then I feel bad for saying no, but I'm not into doing things out of pity. I just recently weaned the baby though, and wearing regular bras has done something big for my sex drive. So, maybe the sexual self is finally coming out of her coma :)
Wed, 2009-06-17 09:46
This is one of the many topics my husband and I discuss as people who are thinking of embarking on the journey that is called 'Parenthood'. Losing the desire to be intimate and sexually active with one's spouse is something I hear about all the time from pretty much all the moms I know. That scares me! I really enjoy that part of my relationship with my husband and feel it plays big role in keeping a marriage healthy. I would feel very sad to see that connection fall by the wayside.
I can totally see how the exhaustion, extra weight, endless list of things to do, etc., diminish the desire for this interaction at the outset, but what about in the long run?
I guess what I am seeking here is advice from the moms and/or dads out there. What little ounces of prevention can one take or what must we or our husbands do in order to keep the romance and intimacy alive once children are in the picture?
Wed, 2009-06-17 08:20