Is It Right to Discipline Someone Else's Child?

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August 09, 2009

Our panelists have discussed how they discipline their own children... but disciplining someone else's kid? That's a whole 'nother ball of wax. Certainly, you wouldn't spank another child, but what about scolding a friend's child? Or the friend of your child? Where do you draw the line between what is acceptable and what is not? Mindy Roberts of The Mommy Blog asks, "Is it right to discipline someone else's child?"

Would you discipline someone else's kid? Have you done so? And have you ever argued with another parent over discipline? Join the Momversation by commenting.

Panelists

Alice Bradley - Finslippy Asha Dornfest - Parent Hacks Dana Loesch - Mamalogues Mindy Roberts - The Mommy Blog

Keywords

Parenting Video

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16 Comments

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Thu, 2010-03-04 09:42

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Wed, 2010-03-03 17:07

Dental Floss Chronicles

In an ideal world, I prefer not to correct someone else's children. But several times, I've encountered kids in dangerous situations where I felt the need to step in. Some examples: 1) A child was standing in the seat of a shopping cart while the parent was looking the other way; 2) A group of toddler age children were having a race up the down escalator in a crowded mall. One bumped an elderly woman's cane and nearly caused a tumble; 3) Kids were climbing on the roof of a rickety storage shed; 4) A handful of kids were pummeling another child with rocks. Most of the time, parents are grateful for the intervention. A few get hot-under-the-collar, probably out of embarrassment. I simply tell them that my "mom instincts" kicked in, seeing danger--and that I meant no offense.

Regarding playdates: We tell guests our house rules when they arrive. If they forget, we provide one warning: "Remember when you first arrived and we talked about our house rules? You must have forgotten about this one. We need you to remember the rules if you want to play at our house." If we continue to have difficulties, we call the parent to pick up the child and explain what we've experienced. During that call, we say, "Maybe this was an off day. Can we put another play date on the calendar?" If the second play date goes as badly, we do not invite the child again.

Leigh
www.RippleReader.com

Mon, 2009-11-23 14:06

acm

also, to jacksmom:
How to I intervene when the parent is right there?!

I guess that I would use a technique similar to what I use with my kid -- that is, I blame the rules. "Well, I'm sorry, but in our house there's No Hitting, so [their kid] either needs a time-out or to be separated from the other kids until he can control himself." You might go further and add "You are free to do whatever you want at home, but here we need to set a good example for the other (younger) kids." If they take some offense, then there's not much helping them, but at least you've set the boundaries, given them a chance to be helpful with your parenting goals (rather than defensive about their kid's behavior), and suggested ways to end the problem. If they won't respect your wishes beyond that, going into the other room is your best short-term solution and not asking them back is likely the only long-term solution.

Tue, 2009-08-11 08:14

acm

All the discussion here seems to center around kids that come to your house -- while I presume that nobody would spank somebody else's kid without advance consent, the right to maintain some kind of order in your own house seems unquestionable. But what about in other situations? Say, on the playground, or on a school field trip???

Tue, 2009-08-11 07:53

Claire

I think it is perfectly fine to discipline someone else's child as long as you talk to the child's parent first. My daughter has a BFF that is a year older than her. She is sneaky and manitpulitive but she is my daughter's BFF and my DH and I are great friends with her parents. We talked about the whole "What do we do if your child is misbehaving?" The answer was clear, we told each other what we do at home and what words we use. We agreed no spanking. That was it. My daughter spends more time in time out at her house then she does playing and vise versa. If it gets really bad we call and trust me, I have had to call plenty of times. Their child may be horrible but I would not give up great friends for anything. My daughter trusts them and so do I. We have a great time together and have many intrests in common. I think dealing with a terror child for a few hours here and there is worth it. My daughter has a close friend, we have close friends and I am more thankful for my daughter at the end of the day.... thankful that she is not a terror like that!

Tue, 2009-08-11 06:50

jacksmom

I was so, so, so very gald to see this topic posted! I actually posed this very same question to my work girlfriends last winter after an episode with a girlfriend of mine and her son. She was over at my house with her son who was three at the time and my son wasn't quite two yet. Her son was bullying mine (pushing hard, hitting, kicking, even pushing mine into the harth of the fireplace that wasn't on at the time). She did nothing to stop this behavior at all other than a few gentle reminders to "play nice." I was shocked. My son would have been put into time out for such behavior. Jack is very laid back, so even when he hit the floor, there weren't tears, but he just tried to stay out of the bigger boy's way. However, the bigger one kept coming after him. Then my friend's son hit my husband! My husband (a school administrator) said no in his firm principal's voice, which put a stop to this child hitting the adult, but not my child. After they left, we had a long talk about what went on. I didn't feel comfortable stepping in on her parenting, but at the same time, I wanted to protect my own child. What to do? I finally moved away from my conversation with her and into the living room to play with my son.

Now I see her less and less because she simply lets her child (now children) do practically anything. Climb on furniture, throw toys, yell when we're out to eat, etc. My son is old enough that he has begun to emulate this behavior. How to I intervene when the parent is right there?! She and I were always so close before this happened, and now I don't see her at all. I don't want to lose a friend, but I also don't want my child to be around another child who will bully him constantly.

Tue, 2009-08-11 05:14

mommytoall

when any children come to my house I tell them the house Rules ( if they dont know the rules you can't be upset) Other peoples children in my house get a time out, after 3 you go home!!! I dont use corporal punishment on other peoples children except My Family who have given permission and its the last resort. If a parent gets upset they get upset.

One time a friend came to visit and her son was climbing on my couch on my tables I asked nicely for him to stop and asked his mom to stop him as mom just smiled and said "he is all boy" after a few times of mom not stepping in and him getting on top of my kitchen table I walked over to him and said GET OFF MY TABLE NOW!!! The mom was upset that i raised my voice ( just a bit) to her child. I told her " This is my home and if you wont handle him Your giving me no choice"

If Im at other peoples house I will scold a child if they are hitting me or bullying my child physically or verbally.

I am amazed at how many people do not teach their children to behave not just being kids but being out of control and the parents dont do anything to curb the behavior

Mon, 2009-08-10 13:35

Lauriesm

Ladies, I'm all for holding kids accountable for their behavior, and, on occasion, have done so in my house with my son's friends. But, there's another question I'd pose when contemplating turning over discipline to another parent. What do you do when the other parent goes too far?

I had this experience. My son was disciplined by my husband (who happened to be at the friend's house when the infraction took place) and then my son apologized to the parent for his behavior. The next day, that parent felt it necessary, when my husband was not there, to discipline my son again, requiring yet another apology. The parent threatened that if my son didn't aplogize again, he would never be allowed to play there. It bordered on bullying by the parent. It damaged our parent friendship enough that my son rarely visits that house these days.

So, when you relinquish discipline to another parent, how do you know they'll do it the way you would? How do you control that?

Mon, 2009-08-10 09:19

ErinHattaway

Ouch. I don't think you CAN control it. I'm all about a little verbal correction...but it has to be kind, it has to tell the kid WHY they are being expected to act in a certain way and the GOOD THINGS that come from good behavior. I don't think I'd mind my kid being put in time out, either...as long as it wasn't excessive.

I'm not sure what you can do beforehand to control other people disciplining your kid, but you better bet I'd be over there after that kind of incident telling that parent that if they can't discipline without being a bully, then they shouldn't do anything at all. I would not let my child go back to that person's house.

My son is only 10 months old, so I'm not sure...but already I know the kinds of things he does that have to be watched out for. I'll tell my mom, "If he tries to bite, say 'We dont' bite people' and pull him away. If he doesn't stop you'll have to put him in his crib with something to chew on for a few minutes, or maybe just feed him. He could be hungry." Be explicit about your kid's biggest issue and how to handle it. Say, "If he does something that you don't like, please call me and I will handle it." The only "threat" another parent should ever use is, "I'm going to have to get your mom on the phone."

Mon, 2009-08-10 11:00

Lou

Wow. Wild, because I am dealing with this issue right now. My friend and I both have boys the same age. We've, all of us including spouses, been friends for about 2 years. She and I have very different parenting styles ... this hasn't been a big deal until recently. My friend is very lax in her discipline, her 5 1/2 year old son has few consequences for his bad behavior and it is really starting to be an issue. He is bossy, mean and refuses to share. In addition, my son is becoming more self-assured and basically not "taking crap" anymore. We've had some interesting play dates recently. Oh, let me say here too that this child has lost other friends due to his behavior.

I'm usually one who avoids disciplining other people's kids ... unless they are hurting another child or about to wreck my house, I keep quiet ... usually that is ok. I also prefer other parents to let me deal with my son's behavior ... unless of course I am 1) not paying attention 2) he might hurt another child or himself or 3) he is in their home. Again, usually we do fine. Just not in this situation, anymore. I tried discussing the issue(s) with my friend and it got me nowhere. So, I'm working on stepping outside my comfort zone and being more assertive with this child. It is either that or end the friendship(s) completely.

Mon, 2009-08-10 11:57

Piraterose

My SIL and I have basically set up a mutual "second mom"/"it takes a village" situation. She's more lenient than I am, so her kids get more discipline from me, than my daughter gets from her.

Example - her three kids share the same birthday - she had her twins on her older son's birthday. So at their combined birthday party - all three kids were getting way out of hand, and I ended up putting all three in time out at the same time at their own birthday party. When they complained to their mom, she was like "Really? Good for her, what did you do?"

Another example, my oldest nephew (age 9) was sitting in between my SIL and MIL and both asked him to do something, which he ignored. I jumped in and made him understand it was not an option - and he finally got the point. I apologized for jumping in - but my SIL was like "Hey - at least he listened to someone - he'll respect you."

My daughter is quite timid, especially around her three older cousins - so my SIL rarely needs to discipline her. And I have no problem with her doing that - because obviously she must have done something really bad to warrant that attention from my SIL.

I have to add that my SIL is a single mom is a rough situation - so sometimes she needs all the help she can get.

Mon, 2009-08-10 08:09

MeMyselfandMommy

I made a comment about this question when the teaser was posted. I have thought about this question a lot, and something else came to mind.

If you don't hold someone else's child accountable for their actions in your home, how do you expect your child to behave once the child is gone? I think you are asking for a lot of trouble if you don't hold everyone in your home to the same standards.

Mon, 2009-08-10 06:12

minor catastrophes

With three boys ages 11 to 15, I find that if I don't establish and enforce certain rules (esp. regarding safety, but sometimes politeness), boys can and will expect that they can act a certain way at your house. So I try to think of discipline that way: Is their behavior in keeping with how I would like this child to act at my house for however many years the boys are friends with him? Or would it make me completely bats?

That said, I also think adjusting other kids' behavior is part of the "it takes a village" sentiment. So if I ask someone to stop or change their behavior it isn't done in the spirit of "what a nasty child he/she is" and "how dare they" so much as asking myself how I can help them be well-behaved boys in the world.

Any time anyone helps my boys in this way when they are away from me, I know they'll be the better for it...

Mon, 2009-08-10 06:06

BeingSuper

When my kids have friends over to our house, I expect those kids to behave as they would in their own home. Meaning, don't trash the place.

I have never had to send a kid home because a child was getting out of hand. Although, more than once I have had to ask both my child and their play date to "beam down", stop being mean to their siblings etc.

Once, I was at my sister-in-law's home with my youngest daughter (then 2 years old). She was playing with another little girl about the same age and they both began screaming and running down the hallway. My sister-in-law grabbed my daughter and spanked her right in front of me. It happened so fast I was shocked. WTF?

There was no warning, no verbal request to stop the screaming and running. The look on my face must have said it all because my sister-in-law apologized immediately. We left immediately.

Mon, 2009-08-10 06:01

kristanhoffman

I think in your own home, you have much more ability/"right" to discipline someone else's child, but in this day and age of THE LAWSUIT I would definitely be nervous about how far it can go. I think the rule that Mindy and Dana mentioned of just sending a kid home if they're out of control is probably a safe one, although it might have repercussions for your relationship with that kid's parent(s).

I love Asha's comment -- and think it's so true -- about how sometimes kids just need to hear it from someone else. You get used to your parents chastising you for something, but I think there's a new/additional level of embarrassment or shame when someone you don't know as well calls you out on something. At any age, lol.

Mon, 2009-08-10 05:05