February 16, 2009
There's the children... and work... and (of course) peeing with the door open. All of these can drain the romance out of a marriage, so what do you do to keep your partnership fresh? Daphne Brogdon of Cool Mom asks, "How do you keep the romance alive?"
Help us out ladies (and gents)! What do you do to stoke the fires of your relationship? Join the Momversation by commenting in one of our related forums:
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26 Comments
Lomwefgbnbv
Wed, 2010-03-03 18:39
This is one tough question. I am not married, but I am having this horrible feeling already. I don't know.. maybe some marriage help from a marriage counselor or something like that? Anyway, I am very scared of getting married and I don't know if I will ever get actually..
Sun, 2010-02-14 05:57
OMG! Now I know what's wrong! I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 8 this year. He's farted in front of me twice that I've heard in those 12 years. I leave the door open to the bathroom for EVERYTHING (there is no privacy when you have 2 small kids) what's the point of keeping it closed. Sex? What's that? And when did I stop having it? Its been so long I can't remember.I guess its all over for me...
Sun, 2009-04-12 06:38
Happy marriage life is the dream of every couple and families. But relationship conflicts arises as marriage goes longer, it may be due to lack of communication skills, infidelity, unfaithfulness, lack of friendliness, lost trust, parenting and some economical problems. It is better to solve your marriage problems by taking help of Trained marriage counselors rather then fighting and arguments. Marriage counseling is all about to resolve your marriage conflicts and providing you some marriage saving tips to bring back love and intimacy in your relationship.
http://www.marriage-counselors.net/
Mon, 2009-07-27 04:12
Hysterical. Yeah, I'm with Daphne once again. We've got a running joke about our marriage lasting until the kids are off at college (20years). It's just something we say when we're really exhausted and want an easy life. We're totally committed and we think that after 20 years of trying our best to be happy it might be enough to hold onto, but you never know. If we're not happy in 20 years then we certainly owe it to ourselves to try to make a happy life. Right?
Anyway, to keep it fresh? With two little ones (toddler and newborn) we barely have time for quickie sex. We take it anywhere we can get it, any time. I guess that's kind of exciting though, too, isn't it? Sneaking around, having sex on the stairs. Maybe? Naw.. it's really not that glamorous.
Sun, 2009-02-22 18:28
Going back to the 'toxic friends' post - a lot of my friends are free-loaders... Like, they invite me to see their new house at the edge of a different town, and I go and I see their kids and visit in their house a few times - then I say, "Hey, why don't you come out here, you havent seen our new house either!" And it's, "Oh, no I dont want to drive that far."
I think the thing that attracted eric and I to each other is that NEITHER of us are free loaders and we are BOTH hard workers.
We met at an office we both worked in and we recognized that we both were willing to help people that needed help and we both worked hard and had fun after our shift.
So when our son was born and we bought our first house, we had to give time and attention to our child and we had to work harder to pay our bills... thus upping the attraction.
Sat, 2009-02-21 17:51
My hubby and I are going on 12 years and having a 10 year old, we started with kids early on. I am reminded every once in a while that keeping connected as friends is so important during the 'kid-years' I keep thinking that when the kids are gone, what then? What will we have left when they are off raising their own kids? We need to keep that degree of commonality where we are able to connect on things other than our roles as parents.
We love doing "projects" together, like around the house type things. The whole thing from start to finish allows us opportunities to disagree, challenge our way of doing things to perhaps come to a compromise, dream up things together, etc...
Our kids are in school now and we both work from home, so we have lots of opportunities to be together without little ones around. But when the kids were younger, date nights were imperative.
Keeping sex a priority is also something that helps us connect. The more you have it, the more you want it-seriously. When it's been a while, I get very independent and really don't need it and that translates emotionally for me, i don't connect with him and really don't need him too much.
Even though I'm furious with him as I write this (which is why I've retreated to the computer) I still love him deeply. He is my best friend, closer to him than any girlfriend. I would give my life for him and he for me, just as I would for my kids.
Thu, 2009-02-19 20:22
We love Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, SVU, and Brothers and Sisters... AND we often pause during the shows to discuss the hot topics. (EG: What do you think of...) Thanks to the DVR, we can then forward to the rest of the show without commercials...Leads to great conversations...;-)
Wed, 2009-02-18 15:51
I'm with Maggie. I love my husband more than my child. I do love her dearly but I didn't get married to have kids. I got married to be with my husband hopefully for the rest of our lives. Personally I think that alone helps to keep a marriage fresh. I also agree that staying connected is almost more important than date night or anything like that although you may need date night to reconnect. I've found looking at our marriage that way has also made parenting a joint effort rather than mommy vs. daddy or daddy as the babysitter rather than the parent.
We spend time after our daughter goes to bed together reconnecting, playing games, whatever. We try to get out alone when we can. I'm lucky in that he's a teacher so he has good connections for babysitters. If you're looking for a babysitter and know a teacher, they're a good source. Another source is early childhood education programs at local colleges. We do fart and belch in front of each other but not like 7 year old boys or really 5 year old girls for that matter. And we each try to do nice things for each other whether it's leaving the seat down or sneaking chocolate into his lunchbox.
Wed, 2009-02-18 07:34
4 years, 1 wedding, and 1 outspoken toddler-with-sleep-issues later, my husband still puts the toilet seat down before he leaves the bathroom. This amazes me. I guess because I assumed, when we were dating, that he was being polite, that he was putting the toilet seat down for me, respecting my bathroom-aesthetic--or something. But it's carried over into marriage and baby-stress-time. I mean, I forget everything--his name, my name, how old we are--I forget to dust, or to do anybody's laundry but the baby's--I forget to put gas in the minivan, or to use my baby food coupons--but he NEVER forgets to put the toilet seat down. Something about this makes me want to know him, to accost him after the baby is asleep and say, Let's frikkin' do it. Flowers? Chocolates? Date nights? Handcuffs? Right now the toilet seat is working pretty well. I must remember not to belch like a truck driver when we're alone together......It's only fair......
Tue, 2009-02-17 22:01
Just finding time to go out together without the kids is really helpful. It's so hard when the babies are still little. I remember finally getting a chance to go out and finding it really strange to hold hands again. It had been so long since we had done that because we were always carrying the baby, pushing the stroller, or carrying the diaper bag.
Tue, 2009-02-17 19:33
I've always peed with the door open-great training for being the parent of a toddler. :)
I think that it's really hard to keep your marriage "fresh". Kids get in the way. Money gets in the way. kids get in the way.
Above all, I think that talking about things other than your kids and about their bowel movements really help. You were attracted to each other prior to kids and you have to find "those people" again.
Also, watching something other than cartoons helps a lot.
Tue, 2009-02-17 17:23
my husband is hot. 10 years of being together, 4+ years of marriage, plenty of moves across the country and almost to a foreign country, and a baby.... and he's hot as hell.
i'm totally putting out tonight.
Tue, 2009-02-17 16:44
This made me laugh, nicnicnic.
My husband is hot, too. We've been married 10 years, dated two years prior to that. Have four kids. We're Mormon. We pee in front of each other (but that's it!) and if some musical sounds come tooting out, hey-- just try to view it as a serenade, huh? (BTW, who here is surprised that Rebecca is an open door person? Anyone? Anyone? No, didn't think so. ;-p )
This hasn't affected our intimacy for the worse at all. We're still keeping things fresh. We're still immensely attracted to each other.
Fri, 2009-02-20 08:42
Just another tool for the toolbox...
My girlfriend and i love roleplaying. We recently pretended that it was the first time that we met. Brought back all of those butterfly feelings of first dates. Awesome!!
Tue, 2009-02-17 16:11
Definitely in the free-farting category, although we usually close the bathroom door. But I think that, however delicate your sensibilities, you can't let physical reality become a turn-off or the process of getting older is just going to kill your marriage. I mean, between us my husband and I (both in early 40s) have had knee surgery, sinus infections, urinary issues involving catheterization, hemorrhoids, and incontinence (can you say, joys of vaginal delivery?), and we've gotta be able to moan and laugh about it or it will drive us nuts individually, let alone as a couple. Sure, there's more to work around with both older bodies and younger kids, but you just make the adjustments (in expectation as well as in planning) and find a new way. We're still finding ours, but I expect the snapshot to be different every few years. Certainly, we can't rely on the kind of heat and impulsiveness that characterized our 20s, but there are plenty of ways to stay connected...
another penny for the pond!
Tue, 2009-02-17 14:07
We're a farting and peeing with the door open kind of couple, always have been. I think you have to draw the line at picking your nose in front of your spouse. That might be taking being comfortable a little too far.
As far as keeping it fresh. We've been together for 9 years, I think we'd suffer serious performance anxiety if we were constantly trying to think up new and improved ways to...enjoy...each other's company. That said, we've been through a lot together, particularly since Erin was born. If our friendship hadn't been as strong as it is we wouldn't still be together, I think the divorce rate for couples with a special needs child is somewhere around 80%.
It's been hard for us. Neither of us are particularly good at talking about our feelings so that's something we both still work on but I think it's been worth it. Even just from the support part. I don't think I'd be able to cope with Erin on my own.
Tue, 2009-02-17 02:38
Hubby and I have been together for thirteen years and the way we keep it "fresh" so to speak is to plan regular date nights (at least once a month) and to get away (just the two of us) even if it is just for a night at least twice a year.
In addition, the power of positive thinking is underappreciated. I try to think positively about my hubby, particularly right before he comes home from work or we are going to bed. Create your reality- be purposeful about having an intimate relationship (sexually and emotionally).
Sometimes we are so focused on the kids that we forget the relationship that brought them to us. And as my boys are getting older (tweens, *gasp*) I realize how thankful I am that my husband and I are friends and lovers outside of being parents because before I blink-it's gonna be just me and him in this big house!
Mon, 2009-02-16 17:12
After seventeen years together I'm fresh out of ideas. How stinkin' sad.
One thing that gets us both going is travelling abroad. We love to explore other countries but haven't gone on a cool trip since our daughter was born over two years ago. Now that she's a bit older and great on-the-go we hope to llight a fire under our asses and book a trip or two.
Tracy
Mon, 2009-02-16 16:02
Oh. My. Gosh. I was totally cracking up!!!!
It has to be total hypocrisy to fart in front of your husband but NOT wear sweatpants!!!! He he he. Rebecca, you are a hoot! I love sweats (the bootcut ones, no less), but I just can't bring myself to fart in front of my husband. If one squeaks out, geez, it's like I'm giggling like a school girl, blushing and everything! B has no problems farting in front of me - maybe it's a gender role thing??? Possibly an inherited trait, though - my mom used to fart in the LAUNDRY ROOM so no one could hear her. Ah! Is that not hilarious?! We still tease her about it.
B and I have been together for 10 + years (ah, young love), and we still find each other interesting in and out of the bedroom. We talk tons during the day, keep it honest, have our spats and get over them, enjoy our alone time and that spent with our son, and have fun together. It's my personal belief that marriage is forever, so I make the effort to "keep it fresh" and "keep the romance alive."
I read somewhere (sorry, no stats to back it up) that many empty-nesters are at a loss after there kids fly the coup because they were so wrapped up in their kid's lives and really had nothing in common after 18 years EXCEPT their kids. I don't want that to be us.
Anyway, y'all are hilarious and that was a great addition to my day. Thanks :)
Mon, 2009-02-16 11:46
Joy, I need to thank you for the "little person touching me all day" comment, I think that may have solved the mystery for me of why sometimes I don't want my husband all lovey and touchy with me at night. We also have an 8 1/2 month old and he's not yet crawling. By the time my husband gets home, I've probably just reached my touch quota for the day. I will have to keep this in mind.
I went through a real funk after having the baby where I felt so completely un-sexy and unattractive that I never wanted to do anything sexual. God bless my husband though, he survived the funk and worked really hard at bringing my self-esteem back up. It's getting there.
As for date nights--we have had a few. It's not something I see as necessary though. It's nice, but I feel strange leaving the baby at home. I mean, we're a family now. I would like us to spend time together as a family. When we are at home, we spend time together at night, from when baby goes to bed around 8 or 9 until we go to bed. That works for us. Date nights are awesome, I'm just saying it's not a necessity for everyone so don't feel pressured into them.
We pee, burp, fart, etc. in front of each other too. It's just something that happened. I couldn't even tell you the first time something like that happened. I think we just reached a comfort level at some point. Which, I agree with Maggie, should be seen as a positive. Life gets messy sometimes, and if you can be comfortable with each other during the messy, then your relationship is probably in pretty good shape.
Mon, 2009-02-16 09:35
I like the idea of date night at least once per week. My daughter is eight months old now and we have NEVER done that. What to do? It's especially hard when you do not live near close friends and family. I don't trust just about anyone with her and I know she will be this little and helpless for only a short while.
We are planning to go away together alone for a few days either this summer or fall. Otherwise, we do talk a lot. We email, call, and chat over dinner (after she goes to bed). We are great friends even now but the intimacy has definitely fallen off.
Mon, 2009-02-16 08:20
Jojo, it's sounds like you're walking in my shoes too right now. The newest obstacle we're facing is the new arrival of separation anxiety. Kinda hard to leave your little one behind when you know their only going to torture their care giver until you get back. I find I almost don't want to leave her with anyone right now. Not because I'm afraid of the care she'll receive but because the amount of people I trust is limited to a certain few and I don't want them to say "No WAY!" because she gave them such a hard time. I keep thinking if I wait it out then when she's 20 I can leave her alone for a little while.
Mon, 2009-02-16 08:49
Ladies, Ladies.. you think of everything.. I love the star blindfold thingies Maggie (wink, wink).
I am deeply in love/lust with my husband to this day but hey we have just been married for 5 years (oh I have just realized that this is long...) but Like Rebecca said it's a day to day thing..if you were not attracted to your mate in the first place there would not be any kids, and overexposure is not a problem for us .. but maybe we are weird.
Mon, 2009-02-16 07:45
Thanks for this one. I'm still trying to figure out how to get "it" going again around our home front. And I'm not talking about strictly sex, I'm talking intimacy. With an 8 1/2 month old who is crawling and into everything already it's challenging to even get 10 minutes of the day when I'm not exhausted. And by the end of the day I just don't want to be touched since I've had another little person touching me all day long. And forget talking! Shhhhhh. Then I try to remind myself that my husband, who is just about the most wonderful person on the planet to me, is there waiting patiently for his turn. It's a lot of pressure to add to the rest of the daily pressures. I have all the faith that we'll get it together. I mean, we don't have a new baby because we don't like each other right? I can't wait to see what kind of other comments come in regarding this episode. Maybe someone will share their wisdom and make many, many men and women happier for it.
Mon, 2009-02-16 07:44
I agree with Daphne on the bathroom stuff. Gotta keep it to a minimum. It's not about being comfortable to me, its just a matter of... who can really get in the mood when one or the other partner just had their nose hair singed off? Or when the memory of such an event still lingers. Who likes picturing floss face either?
After a while, overexposure to these types of images and memories can make it hard to "feel like makin love"... even with the handcuffs and wig. ;)
Mon, 2009-02-16 05:55