The Mommy Wars

I think it helps to not have the time (or interest) to watch television, especially these morning talk shows. I too have never heard the term. I am a mom in a university community with a mix of working moms and stay-at-home moms. We have some different interests, needs, and opinions but the tension is not any greater than one can find among any group of women.

That said, I do find a fair bit of pressure in my academic community to just push on ahead after having a baby. Everyone complains about childcare but it is the norm to just put your kid in daycare or find a nanny and to keep at "it" with a fervor to finish whatever "it" happens to be. I'm glad that I am 37 with a new baby because I can draw from my life experience to help remind myself that it is a perfectly valid choice to stop and enjoy the early years (if you can). They go by quickly and there is no way to "do it later".

So, I'm off subject here but it has been on my mind a lot lately.

Fri, 2009-02-13 07:03

Daphne and I must hang out in the same mommy neighborhood because I'm just not aware of this "Mommy Wars" phenomenon. Perhaps to be a part of them you have to perform some equivalent to joining the armed forces -- like watching morning t.v. talk shows.

Plainly, it's a media construct, and plainly this is how the morning talk shows boost their ratings. My experience has been that the people who buy into this sort of media hype generally aren't the ones directly affected by it. (Several years ago, I wrote a humorous but painful little essay about trying to conceive at 39; Newsweek turned it into a sad little piece about how -- whine, whine -- I can't get pregnant because I waited too long. (Still steams me to be so mischaracterized.) The responses in the following issue's letters were all entirely unsympathetic and downright mean and quite obviously written by people who'd never been in my position. The support I received online from women who were in my position far outweighed the media crap.)

The real kernel of what you guys were saying, I think, is that, as mothers, we have an inclination to judge others -- some to the extent of becoming those outlying hecklers. But, really, isn't what lies at the base of all judgment our own insecurities? And is there a single one of us who doesn't feel insecure about at least some of her parenting choices? Not because we're unsure of ourselves as mothers but because we need SOMETHING to judge ourselves for. In other words, it's all about me and my food issues, not about your choice to feed your child neon-colored goldfish snacks.

And, puh-leeze, don't get me started on the Palin thing. As a disability rights advocate, I am sickened by the hero-status she got for actually, gasp, choosing to give birth to a child with a disability (especially since she is fervently anti-choice and presumably did it because god wouldn't let her do anything else). Okay, 'nuff. The less said about her the better.

Fri, 2009-02-13 07:44

Mommy wars? Blah. Blah. Blah. I'm so sick of being told that I can't possibly get along with anyone else just because they've also pushed a gigantic kid out of their tiny v-jay-jay. Give me a break. In my little piece of the world all the women - especially the moms - are really cool and supportive of one another. As are most of my friends, and their friends, and so on and so on. Of course, there are wackos out there who think they know how to parent better than anybody else but thankfully there is no one in my life like that.

Tracy
http://themoxiereport.blogspot.com

Fri, 2009-02-13 17:12

I agree there is no real war going on between Moms. There are likely some moms who feel strongly about their decisions and sometimes don't understand or agree with other women's decisions, but there is no war.

Our site 5 Minutes for Mom is an example of all types of moms coming together and supporting each other. We have readers who work at home, work outside of the home and stay at home moms and everyone is cool with each other.

Susan

Fri, 2009-02-13 09:01

I don't know about mommy wars for my own generation, but I did see that concept play out with my own mother. I remember watching her participate in these all-out debates with other mothers over the basic hot-button issues on which she was absolutely sure she had the right take, and making other parents, especially working mothers, feel really bad about. She complained about providing homemade snacks for other kids whose parents brought Little Debbie cupcakes to whatever after-school activity, "having" to teach their kids catechism, being the main carpool person, etc, and directly lambasted them for not following in her example.
Her views amounted to pretty much just conservativism. She advocated on a grassroots basis for SAHMs, homeschooling, hauling kids to church everyday and twice on Sundays (and that's not an exaggeration), and pretty much had an opinion on every health topic from birth through death, since she'd been a nurse before I was born.

Now it's my turn to be the mom, and at 23 with an almost- two-year-old, I'm consciously or unconsciously doing the opposite. I work, I don't do church on an organized level, my son is starting a private school as very soon as they'll take him, and I'll do my own health research, thanks.

Do I still get opinons from my mother on all of those topics? You bet. But I'm going to do what's best for my family and I can only believe that she did what she truly believed was best for hers.

I think the mommy wars are more of a generational conflict, at least in my case.

Fri, 2009-02-13 11:47

Oh how timely this is: right now on my neighborhood's parents email group there's a heated discussion about a city rec center that's about to close and the private school that uses it but doesn't pay the city even though they are a private school. The moms are starting to get very mean...

Fri, 2009-02-13 12:09

I don't know if "mommy wars" are a real phenomenon or not. All I know is that my mother claims she never had a strange woman point a finger in her face and demand to know what she is or is not doing with her child.
This type of incident definately seems to be on the rise. Perhaps it is due to the fact that so many of us have access to the internet and things which allow us to hear about an incident when it happens. Maybe it's always been the way it is today. I dunno. Just seems to me that when I was a kid, most adults believed in "live and let live." Unless someone outside of their own circle was clearly in the extreme, nobody got involved.
Today, on the other hand, I think hunting for abusers has become a kind of sport to some people. I think some of these people have a deep desire to be heros. It's not such a bad thing to a certain extent; nobody likes a real abuser. But what happens when the hunter doesn't get the "hero fix" they crave? Many are starting to make shit up and they're getting more and more attention for it (which is exactly what they wanted in the first place.)
This is a cycle that can potentially be so very damaging to its victims. The falsley accused mothers and fathers, and their innocent children can be absolutely devistated by its effects.
At some point or other we are all going to see a mother or father do something that we would never do ourselves. That doesn't mean that abuse has occured.
I think many of us have become at least uncomfortable disciplining or feeding our children in public, or even talking about some hot topics, just in case. Nobody wants to find out the hard way that we don't agree with what Waggle Tongue the Mommy Monger thinks is best. We don't want to be reported to CPS falsley by this person and risk having our heart and souls, our babies, ripped from our arms because of it. Even an investigation by itself could have a very negative impact on a family when there really was no need for it.
It may not be mommy wars per say, but I think something is definately happening in society at large. I think there is a certain amount of fear in the air that didn't exist 10 or 15 years ago. I think we've witnessed a change in the way children are behaving because of it too. More and more kids are out of control. Like I say, I don't know what it is, but I think something is going on.

Fri, 2009-02-13 12:58

This is a topic that is very near to my heart because...I HATE THE TERM "MOMMY WARS."

My main problem with the "mommy wars" myth is not that I believe all moms love and support each other and get along famously. Of course such a huge and diverse population will have wildly different opinions on just about anything, let alone something as near to our hearts as how we raise our children.

But the term "mommy wars" does two awful things: it marginalizes genuine discussion about the tough choices facing moms by making any exchange of viewpoints seem no more worthwhile or useful than the emotional hyperbole of adolescent girls, and it encourages women to "pick a side" in order to feel like they are part of a community. Even moms who have strong views on particular issues are rarely defined overall by the rigid constructs the media love to report on, yet they find themselves missing out on varied and useful viewpoints because nobody wants to cross some imaginary line.

I don't agree that "some moms on message boards are so MEAN" is proof of the existence of "mommy wars" as a genuine social phenomenon. I mean, go onto any message board on the Internet - literally any board - and see if you don't find flame wars and people getting really worked up about things that are none of their business. Yet, the media doesn't constantly, feverishly report on "film noir watcher wars" or "homing pigeon enthusiast wars" or "Coke vs. Pepsi drinker wars." The reason that "mommy wars" exists as a term is that the media is counting on using a tired and hateful narrative cliche - women are so emotional! And mean! And their beliefs should be ignored since all their ideas just depend on feelings anyway! - and hoping nobody calls BS on their quiet bigotry.

I often ask people who benefits from characterizing women's interactions as "mommy wars." The only satisfactory solution I have reached is that the people who benefit are the ones who *want* the obstacles facing mothers to be marginalized, obscured, and dismissed as the mere imaginings of hormonally charged females. No thanks.

Fri, 2009-02-13 20:41

Wow... I definitely don't watch the news or talk shows much apparently lol. I have never ever heard of "the mommy wars"... I am a 21 year old mother of two children under the age of two. I serve 3 years of active duty and a couple months of National Guard... So I have always had a job since the age of 17... Now Im a stay at home mom...

I WANT TO WORK! lol I would love be able to go to work and then come home and spend time with the kids... because sometimes all the time i have with the kids is too much time! But we live in washington now cause we are stationed here... We can not afford to send two kids under 2 to daycare! I would not make enough money working fulltime at retail or something to even touch that bill... So for now im a stay at home mom, fulltime college student, mother and wife...

I dont see why being a stay at home mom is such an issue, as long as your kids are taken care of, your home is decent (not spotless but like mostly clean) and what not then it should be fine being at home.

But me personally I would rather be working because im the woman who needs something to feed my mind and keep me occupied instead of constantly losing my mind cause my 22 month old decided to play in his poop and the dog is whining to play and then my 5 month old screamin cause frustrated that she cant get up and chase her brother yet! but thats just me lol

Aubrey

(people who are like omg shes a sahm! or omg she works too much need to worry bout their own lives!)

Fri, 2009-02-13 22:20

Mommy Wars is totally a media construct, IMHO. It focuses on the small percentage of mothers who feel that their life choices were out of their control. Perhaps the working mothers that have to work or truly want to work but feel incredible guilt for not being the primary caregiver for their children may harbor resentment towards anyone whose situation appears easier. These working mothers may worry that strangers are judging them harshly for working. They worry that people consider them to love their children less than their careers or themselves. And so, logically, they lash out and protect themselves by claiming that ONLY working mothers are complete/fulfilled women. etc. etc. The other section of women that fall into this "Mommy Wars" grouping is that of stay at home mothers who feel judged for THEIR choice. SAHM's tend to be categorized as less than brilliant, non-career oriented, and soft. Naturally, THEY want to protect themselves as well.

Sadly, we ARE all judged. Whether it's on motherhood, career choices, or what type of clothing we wear. It's the nature of our society. But just because you are harshly judged by a SMALL portion of society,doesn't mean one must strike out with cruelty towards another group.

A new story about how most women get along and support each other isn't very juicy, is it? Who wants to report on THAT?? But a continuing story with a catchy phrase that makes all women sit up and start to unsheath their claws to defend their lifestyle and choices?

THAT is juicy.

Fri, 2009-02-13 23:18

I never watch morning news show so I've never heard the exact term "mommy wars" before. To me it just seems like the same old story. There are extremists everywhere and they are the ones who make the most noise. It does give moms a bad rap though. I try not to judge too much if it seems to be working for the mom. I really don't understand why how I feed my kids, or how we educate them,or potty train them is any of anyone's business but if you put yourself out there in the spotlight someone is going to try to shoot you down. There are always going to be mean people out there for one reason or another and that is what the media thrives on. Negative conflicts. so my answer is, yes, mommy wars are real.... for some people. They're just not real for the people that I choose to associate myself with.

Kellie

Sat, 2009-02-14 19:01

OMG!

Momversation, please invite Angelina to be a guest panelist. Will love you for fucking ever!

Sun, 2009-02-15 12:06

Maggie is right that the hecklers are getting undue attention, the very thing they thrive on. The real question is - just how many hecklers are there? Lets face it, ladies can be catty bitches! And when it comes to kids, HOO BOY!! Stand the fuck back. Women + Children = PASSION.

Its inevitable that as women we will judge each other - its totally human. We do what we think is right and question people who dont do the same. Its when women suddenly feel they have the right to get up other womens' asses about the way they parent their kids, thats when the shit hits the fan and you suddenly end up with Ye Old Mommy War.

Mommy Wars do exist. Lets look at Iraq as an example of War... (bet you didnt expect that!)... just because the majority of Americans arent on the front lines in Iraq doesnt mean theres no War. The percentage of Mommy War Soldiers is a lot smaller than the average citizen population, but just because most mom's keep to themselves or are generally supportive of other moms, doesnt mean theres no War. Some people are born to be soldiers, others are not.

This is where the concept of "every action has an equal and oposite reaction" comes in to play. If you don't speak up loudly, no one will speak up loudly at you. If you do, you will certainly get an equally loud backlash. The breastfeeding mother at work who quietly goes off to pump in the car at lunch without anyone noticing will get less flack than the mother who comes in and loudly declares that breastfeeding is antiquated. The mom who proudly tells everyone at playgroup that her newborn sleeps in his crib every night is just asking for a disagreement with the mother who professes that cosleeping is better for the baby. Come on, people who are vocal will rile other people who are vocal AND who disagree.

Lastly, women do not like to be told what to do and how to do it. Also, no one likes a woman who's up herself. When you profess to be the holder of supreme knowledge, people will gladly attempt to knock you down a peg or two. Why do you think Moms and their Daughters get into cat fights about child rearing?

So in the end the % of women that are vocal or just plain catty, zealot bitches get air time (or blog time) because everyone loves a controversy or a train wreck. Meanwhile, the rest of us just go about our days and barely even notice what other women are doing with their time - and even if we do, we dont really have the energy to bully them about it and / or we realize that its totally not our right to get all up in their business about it. It doesnt make the War any less real.

Mon, 2009-02-16 00:15

I don't agree that the "Mommy Wars" is a media construct. It's a common phenomenon in almost every community of moms I've seen - a re-mix of the "problem with no name" of a generation ago.

I think the media jumped all OVER the issue because of the "catfight" aspect (and there is that) but there is a real issue at the heart of it - the uneven and untrue representation of motherhood as it really exists for most of us - not just the 5% in the NYT Society pages (the "Opt Out Mommies"). How the truth of motherhood isn't respected - instead it's a mix of a bunch of shallow mass-media images, trainwrecks and expected martrydom.

It's about how the loudest voices of motherhood are not really representative of the reality of motherhood - they're just the loudest voices. The rest of us are either quiet... or too tired or busy to have the time to be heard.

If you haven't read them, Leslie Morgan Steiner's "Mommy Wars" (2006), "The Meaning of Wife" by Anne Kingston and "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety" by Judith Warner are worth checking out if you're not familiar with the concept of the "Mommy Wars" - as well as some articles in the NYT and Salon.

http://momartfully.typepad.com/

Tue, 2009-02-17 23:09