December 03, 2008
The stork. A "special hug." Magical elves? Today on Momversation, Heather Armstrong from Dooce asks, What do I tell my four-year-old daughter about sex? What's your advice for moms who cringe at the thought of the sex talk? At what age should you talk to your kids about the realities of conception? Comment below, or talk back in our related forums:
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29 Comments
Wefwjnegjjw
Thu, 2010-03-04 10:37
Jusdbfedfwf
Wed, 2010-03-03 18:01
You might want to see this new four minute video, "The True Story of How Babies Are Made" http://www.sexsmartfilms.com/free-videos/
Wed, 2009-10-14 17:37
You might want to see this new four minute video, "The True Story of How Babies Are Made" http://www.sexsmartfilms.com/free-videos/
Wed, 2009-10-14 17:37
I love this momversation. Our son, who is now 15, asked this question when he was about 5 years old. I was pregnant with our daughter at the time. My husband used the 'seed' analogy, but got a little creative with it. Too creative for my comfort.
We had done some planting recently so he likened it to that saying that the dad has the seed and the mom's tummy is like the ground. The dad puts the seed into the ground (the tummy) and it begins to grow.
Now you have to understand that our son was/is very talkative and loves to be the one to tell others how things work. So I told my husband that the first phone call we get from an angry parent of a little girl who had been asked by our son if he could plant his seed in her...was his to take. Fortunately for him, we did not get that phone call.
Thanks for all the fun, and frank, conversations. You all light up my day!
Mon, 2009-08-31 07:46
Wow - such relevant timing!!! I'm eight months pregnant with my third son, and by this time, my oldest (4 years) is big enough to ask questions. And wouldn't you know - he asked me "THAT" question just the other day. I JUST blogged about our ensuing conversation!
http://www.fightingfrumpy.com/2009/07/baby-seeds.html
Mon, 2009-07-27 21:22
a few months ago we had the TALK. it all started at the dinner with my 7 yro, who out of the blue, asked about sex. It was PERFECT for everyone..esp., my 10 yro as Pearl asked crazy ?s, like when she turned to her dad and asked ( who was beat red) how in the world he got his penis inside moms vagina.
I think the younger the better because it all ends up being fun with all the crazy questions that come up ( and let me tell you they were crazy! and embarressing!)
Wed, 2009-04-15 15:24
I had my 2nd child when my first was 4. He was very curious about how the baby got in mommy's belly. So....I told him that mommy went to the doctor, and he gave her some "baby seeds", and that everytime I drank water, I was actually watering the baby seed....so it would grow.
I told that same story to all my children. They never questioned it. But I was honest about childbirth, without details.
Tue, 2009-02-24 13:16
I told my children since they were very young - like my mother did - I don't have an issue with it so it looks like they are not overly concerned about it. I think sometimes we forget that children sense when parents are uncomfortable and more than words they pick up on our level of comfort or discomfort
Discovering how babies come to this world is a bit shocking no matter how we tell them, and really if you really think about it isn't is amazing and shocking even for us?
Cheers,
Anita
www.ovolina.com
Mon, 2009-01-12 10:38
I'll never forget how my mother answered this. I was about... Oh, I dunno. Maybe four, that's when my sister was born... Mom was folding laundry and I came in and asked her how babies were made. She stopped, looked at me and said "Well, Mandi... A mommy takes a part... And then a daddy takes a part... And then it makes a baby." This scarred me for several years, because I knew what both sets of genitals looked like and my mind created an image of a piece of a penis and a piece of a vagina breaking off and coming together and then flying down my mother's throat while they were sleeping.
Thu, 2009-01-01 23:15
Manic Mommy, I think that is one of the funniest things I have read. Ever. I was trying to act it out for Phil in the next room and couldn't get through five words without cracking up.
I think I'll just print it out and hand it to my ten year old.
GENIUS.
Sun, 2008-12-14 19:01
This is so timely for me.
Firstly, Heather, the bit about buying a baby on eBay was very funny to me. I hope you leave good feedback for that transaction. (And what do you think WOULD be a "good price"?)
My son asked me when he was very young too, and I wasn't prepared. I distracted him and said we'd ask his father. Then, later, I think I said something about--- oh no! That's right. He didn't ask me how BABIES were made, he actually asked me what SEX was. THAT is why I was flummoxed. Ah, it's all coming back to me. Ya, so I asked him what he thought it was and he said, "Like, a food or a drink?" And he was kind of right! Anyway, he was only about 5. He kept reading the word everywhere and hearing the word "sexy" on tv.
So, just this week my 7 year old asked me how babies were made. And she kept peppering me with more and more questions. So, I told her basically everything. I didn't use the word "ejaculate" but I explained how the parts fit together and the fallopian tubes and ovaries and menstrual fluid that provides a home for the growing baby to embed in and periods when the baby doesn't get made and even WHY we do this at all. I said, "You know how it feels nice when I tickle your back or massage your shoulder? Well, when you get older, your private parts get more sensitive and it feels nice like that only better. And moms and dads kiss and hug and touch each other and it feels really nice and then it feels better and better until this funny thing happens that's really hard to describe and then the sperm cells come out and they go on their journey."
Somehow, this all led into the whole plan of salvation and she even asked me if anyone from Earth has ever visited other Universes. She asked how it ALL began and what the point of it all was and I as honest and said, "That's the one question I'VE been hung up on since I was seven, too. What's the point of it all?"
All in all we talked for an hour and a half. I rocked that conversation. It was one of my proudest mom moments. I always thought it would be hard to have sex talks but this is my second one and I'm so good at it that people should HIRE me.
Sun, 2008-12-07 15:06
This is how I explained it to my 10 year old when the time came. Up until this point, he thought he knew about sex and how babies were made, and I thought he knew stuff too. We were both wrong! ...
How does the egg get fertilized?
You really want to know?
Yeah, I guess I have to know, it’s a fact of life, right?
Well, it’s kind of like a puzzle.
A puzzle?
Yeah, a puzzle.
Perplexed look.
I thought you knew.
Shrug. Grin. Maybe an embarrassed I-think-I-know-but-maybe-not grin.
Well, how do you think it happens?
I know you got naked and got into bed and well, that’s all I knew.
Well, it’s kind of like a puzzle. You know the girl parts and the boy parts?
Yeah.
Strange look.
Well, they have to fit together.
Strange look. Then slow lightbulb. Then:
Like how?
You know, like a puzzle. They have to fit together.
Then really big lightbulb: You mean you put the thing in the thing?
Uh-huh.
Ugh! Uh, NO! That's disgusting! ... Like does dad leave it in there for like an hour?
Not that long.
How do you stand it?
Well, it's not that bad. It’s kind of like a hug, and we love each other, and we’re married.
Let’s not talk about this again like forever!
OK.
OK.
Sat, 2008-12-06 20:50
We talked to my oldest boy (were sure he'd tell his brother later) about everything. At first, he thought it was all too funny to be true and actually laughed until he fell out of the seat he was in. But when we got to the STD part, he got very somber because they were showing "those" films to a group of kids the next grade up - he'd heard stories of male parts rotting off but wasn't sure why.
Both that film he watched the next grade year and the talk my husband and I had with him have stuck. We encouraged him to take a family dynamics class in 9th grade in which they watch a live birth on video. He says he's mentally scarred but I know he just understands the process much more. We have a very open relationship. He's asked me about several things he'd heard at school. One time he asked what a blow job was. I told him. He said, "Yeah, I didn't think it was what so-and-so said it was." And that was it. Honesty is the best policy with kids. How much you tell them depends on the age.
I got a call from the elementary school one year because one of my kids told the other kids there was no Santa, but really mom and dad. So be careful what you tell them and be sure not to encourage them to discuss your private talks with their friends.
Fri, 2008-12-05 08:04
You need the book "It's Not The Stork". It's um. Good? Hilarious. And totally suitable for a four year old (I think it's 'recommended' for the four to six...totally just typed sex first...set). I just had a homebirth with my third daughter and wanted to prepare the big sisters (the oldest is four) as best as I possibly could and well. Now she'll rattle off a very romantic tale about the sperm and the egg that make a baby. Luckily she hasn't asked how the sperm gets to the egg and I don't think that's covered in the book (maybe there is and I've blocked it out? Clearly I am not mature enough for this discussion.). There's a lovely little cartoon of a man and woman under the blankets hugging a special hug but no penis in vagina, drunky drunk detail. Better that way, wait until they're seven and reading the next book in the series.
Thu, 2008-12-04 18:23
My son is the oldest of my two kids. When he was five I explained things the best way I knew how. He then made a sour face and asked, "You did that TWICE?"
Thu, 2008-12-04 17:45
When I told my daughter the very basic mechanics of it all (she wanted to know how the sperm and the egg got together) at age 6 (hers, I was 31 and far too young for the conversation) she looked at me with this expression of skeptical disbelief, as if I were a 6 year-old boy. Finally, she just shook her head dismissively and said, "Oh, Mommy, that's disgusting!"
I'm content to let her believe that for awhile.
Thu, 2008-12-04 16:04
My second child has the first name Caleb and the middle name Rex. After he was born, we used to sing this song to the tune of "Where is Thumbkin":
Mom and Daddy, Mom and Dad made Caleb Rex, Caleb Rex.
How d'you think they did it?
How d'you think they did it?
They had sex.
They had sex.
Thu, 2008-12-04 11:04
I've always been very proud of how my parents did this.
I was about 4 years old and that made my brother about 8. I think they were answering HIS question's but involved me. We all sat in their bed, my brother and I between my parents. They had the 1970's "way out there" book "The Joys of Sex" so we looked at some pictures and we talked about it for a bit.
Then my Mum got out a bit of paper and she drew a very basic picture of a woman's body. She included the clit! (that I can't believe she did, but at the time it was nothing to me to see it as a dot) and then she told me that people who love each other very much have sex, that the man put's his penis in the woman and that the sperm and egg meet up and start a baby growing.
They were completely honest with us. And I think that the most important lesson that I took from that night was the "when a man and woman love each other" because as a teen, with two long term boyfriends in 4 years, I never once had sex with them. Because I was so level headed that I knew I did not love them in that "special Mummy Daddy" kind of way. Yet, girls that learnt about sex through friends in their early teens didn't seem to make a big deal out of the whole "it has to be special" thing.
I didn't have sex until I was almost 22 years old. And even then it might have been had for the wrong reasons. But I'm glad that I was old enough and mature enough to make the choice for myself and not because everyone else was doing it. I'm glad that I was old enough to deal with the after affects of what had just happened.
I fully believe that it was my parents being 100% upfront with me at such a young age was why I felt the way I did about having sex as a teen.
Tell Leta the truth. Look up "The Joys of Sex" and just flick through the book. They're sexual drawings (of very hairy men and woman) but they're classy and not crass. I think she'll really appreciate that more than having to learn later on that Mum thinks babies come from elves OR Mum lied to me.
I'd be really interested to hear the story of how you do go about this conversation.
Wed, 2008-12-03 22:07
Books! Go for the books! That way you can just point to the picture of a cartoon penis or vagina instead of actually having to say *penis* or *vagina* ... I know, repressed Korean talking. Koreans talk about snakes in their cages or the flowering lotuses and that either put the fear of god in me or made me completely disinterested in the topic at all.
At that age, I say go for the reversing the question and putting it back in Leta's lap. I would then base my response relative of what her understanding is.
By the way, reverse interrogation works in averting a lot of other questions too:
Paige: "Is Santa for real?"
Mom: "Do you believe in Santa Claus?"
Paige: "Have you done drugs?"
Mom: "Have YOU done drugs?"
Paige: "Did you eat the last Haagen Daz bar?"
Mom: "Who do you think ate the last Haagen Daz bar?"
Wed, 2008-12-03 16:21
I know that my parents took the approach of, "if they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to get a straight answer." As I result, I have no recollection of "the talk." Unless you count the time in middle school when I asked my mother what an orgasm felt like--the poor woman still tried to answer my question.
I'm pregnant with my fifth right now, so I've had lots of "where do babies come from" conversations. We always start with the qualification that it should be when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, but then we tell them that mommy has eggs in her body, and daddy has stuff that can make the eggs grow, so when the two are put together, the baby grows in mommy's belly. I can't remember having had to go much beyond that yet but, if my kids ask, I'll tell them.
I agree that we are the ones with the hangups about talking about the subject. I think that if we don't get flustered and embarrassed, it won't be a huge deal for them, either.
Wed, 2008-12-03 14:24
I don't actually remember never not knowing how babies are made. I certainly don't recall ever having to ask about it, I just always kind of knew -- vagina, penis, egg, sperm, ta da! -- and because of that I didn't think much about it. Mind you, I was nearing two and a half when my sister was born. I reckon my parents must have just flat out told me what the deal was then. As a result it was never weird or alien to me growing up.
In any case, like Daphne, it made my teenage years much more manageable in that sense. I had no awkward hang-ups about how to approach sex, but equally I wasn't scared to demand safe sex and STD checks.
(As an aside, I'm not so sure having such a frank apprach taken when I was so young was what allowed me to feel free within my sexuality when I was ready to get down, get funky. But I don't think it hindered it any.)
Wed, 2008-12-03 11:25
HANG ON!
I know it seems tricky, but it's very simple.
I don't have kids yet (currently 6 months pregnant with my first), but I've taught kindergarten children for years.
You answer factually, but only answer what they ask. Anything beyond that is confusing and possibly upsetting for young children ("you put WHAT? WHERE?").
For the most part the conversations go like this "where do babies come from?", "they grow inside their mummies", "how do they get in there?", "they start off very tiny and then they grow into a baby".
You may get more questions later on, but again, you only answer what they ask.
I guess it's a matter of listening very carefully to what you're being asked by your child rather than to the panic and confusion you might have in your own head.
I currently work with 6 to 9 year olds who are asking me about my obvious baby-bump. The ones that know how it happens didn't need to ask me about it, and the ones that didn't were satisfied with the answer of the baby got in there because it grew in there. I was surprised that my approach with 4 year olds held up with the older kids. But there you go. They're not always looking for the ultimate explanation.
Tell the truth. Just don't confuse things by making up stories or giving more information than your child is asking for, or ready for.
Good luck!
Wed, 2008-12-03 10:54
Truth? And this all was edited out by people far wiser than me: my eldest learned everything from watching animal sex on David Attenborough's "Life of Mammals" series. Heck, *I* learned a few things.
Wed, 2008-12-03 09:37
Awesome episode - the funniest yet!
Though I'm not a mom, as the youngest sibling in my family I can at least share the good news that you'll only have to deal with this awkward conversation once. Your oldest child will be the one to pass this knowledge on to the next in line. And most likely, they'll tell the "real story" that they heard on the playground. Hmmmmm, maybe this isn't such good news after all...
Wed, 2008-12-03 09:12
Definitely the best one yet! I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.
JennChantal - my little sis - really!!??! Gosh, I don't remember my older sister sex-talk with you when you were young. I hope it was age appropriate, biologically correct, and I didn't scar you for life.
Wed, 2008-12-03 15:22
Strangely, this happened the opposite way for me recently. My four year old daughter told ME where babies come from. She was sitting at the table colouring one day and out of nowhere she says "Mum, if you have another baby, you know what you have to do?" and bewildered I replied to her "No, what are talking about?" She then says, very matter of factly, in one of her authoritative tones (being the oldest, she has several of these) "you have to go to the doctor!" So I'm guessing she thinks that the doctor somehow deposits the baby in there in some kind of surgical procedure.
I think this stems from the fact that I had a baby about 3 months ago and went to the hospital while in labour and came home with a baby. It's interesting how she's taken that in, because I had her and her 2 year old brother at home, it's strange that she now thinks you HAVE to go to the doctors.
Wed, 2008-12-03 08:44
I LOVE IT!!! this is too frickin funny. there have been times when my husband will be holding jackson, our 7 month old, like watching tv together or something, and i'll look at jackson and say directly to him, "one day you will fall in love... and whether it's with a guy or a girl... mommy and daddy will always love you." then i'll get the roll of the eyes look from my husband, and he'll say "great nic, way to start the awkward conversations early." point being, i'm totally down with the awkward conversations. honestly, i am sort of looking forward to them. is that completely bizarre?!?! i'm probably being way too upbeat about it, but i liked the organic, earthy explanations that daphne mentioned. i find it interesting too that of the panelists on this episode, daphne was the only one to discuss "telling it like it is" more or less. maybe that's something that our parent's generation put on us... the hippie-loving lovers stuck to the mechanics of it thereby preparing moms-to-be like daphne (and myself) and so we never had the pressure of coming up with a story about magical elves (though i love that you told your daughter that, heather). i dunno... but i do know that i'm diggin the earthy explanation. i have a while til this presents itself in my life though. by then i'm sure i'll come up with something else. :)
Wed, 2008-12-03 07:45
OMG Mindy! You are too funny! :) Back of the elevator hahaha. I have a three month old son and I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I don't see why this such a big deal to all of you (the panelist). I guess if I had a daughter it would be a little different... in any case, I loved the episode.
Wed, 2008-12-03 00:25