Parental Advice: When Should You Give It to Friends?

I agree that people's nerves are more frayed when it comes to how they're handling children. But still, I don't think that "how to give parenting advice" differs that much from "how to give friends advice" more generally. That is, you want to help somebody find the best solution *for them*, rather than just offering what seems like the best solution *to you*. That means you help them examine the question -- is quitting your job a viable option? does this frustration feel temporary or is it likely to be a long-term problem? are you more angry or worried? etc. -- and bounce back to them what it sounds like they're thinking, rather than offering pat solutions. (And all of this assumes that advice was *sought*!!) Similarly (and especially with kids), sometimes your own experience is helpful (especially if it's "mine was just the same way" rather than "we never had to deal with that issue"), but only in the context that every kid and every match of personalities is different, so they need to find their own best way to cope.

Certainly it's a minefield. And probably all of us have had a relative or acquaintance make everything feel harder with a misplaced criticism or judgemental piece of guidance. But commiseration and sharing of problem-solving with a good friend are certainly valuable at times to all of us, so it's worth trying to find ways to be helpful without burning bridges!

(also, what MegO said! :)

Tue, 2010-02-02 08:17

Totally depends. I'm usually the one out of the other moms I know that people come to for advice. Now I like to think I've mastered the art of telling people what they want to hear mixed in with heartfelt advice.

I always try & incorporate some sort of commiserating when someone comes to me so they don't feel like they're the only ones going through whatever it is they're going through, which usually they're not. If I don't think there is a way to offer advice without getting a little harsh (i.e. telling them to quit their job, lol) then I do simply fall back on the "I'd be doing just what you're doing, I have no advice for you. Have you tried google? How about some chocolate?"

I do no people who don't take advice well, even after asking for it. So I don't offer it...

Fri, 2010-01-22 16:22

I think it's interesting that Jessica no longer gives parenting advice to friends. The first time I ever heard about Jessica it was when she was on Dr. Phil saying she thinks women who choose to work are neglecting their children or it's akin to hiring a prostitute for your husband. I think a friend of hers wrote, "If I didn't love her, I'd hate her." Or something like that.

The kind of advice one gives is certainly a factor and what Asha was saying was both advice-ish but also comforting and reassuring. But I can't help but feel that telling someone to quit their job isn't very helpful. I guess it comes down to whether you can sensor yourself from saying something that can come across as judgment or if you can give the kind of advice that is like a hug and a hanky, "we've all been there, this too shall pass, it will get easier, a baby never died from crying" kind of stuff.

Tue, 2010-01-19 14:18

I think Jessica has had a bad reaction with this...b/c frankly, who tells someone to QUIT THEIR JOB? Sorry, I've never given *that* kind of advice...I knew better! I don't want that to sound horrible, but really, who does that?

I tend to not give advice at random. If someone asks for it, or comes to me with, "OH MY GOSH, my kid stopped sleeping through the night, WHAT DO I DO?" Then I will ask a couple of questions that may give the mom some perspective..."How long *is* she sleeping?" Cuz ya know "sleeping through the night" really only means like 6 hours. "What's the bed time routine?" Etc...Cuz in some of these questions she may realize that her kid is fine, or not far from the mark, or even that blasting Metallica while giving the toddler a sippy cup with coke in it isn't great for a pre-bed routine. If not, then I will say, "Here's what I've done...and it worked for us...but have you checked the library for some books on the subject?" And that usually is fine. I've not lost any friends over it anyhow.

I have also read a bazillion books about various pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, baby, toddler, & young child issues. So my friends know my advice is usually carefully configured from all the different things I've read. I am a doula-in-training, and also getting ready to become a lactation consultant...so I have that little bit of knowledge that comes from someone else who says, "Okay, I've decided you know what you're talking about!" that makes other moms feel like they can ask me things.

I did have *one* very gone wrong situation (there could be lots of other times when I gave horrible advice, or my friends thought I was an idiot, but no one has brought it up, so it must not have burned them too badly!). A friend had just given birth and was having a hard time breastfeeding. SHE called ME for advice, knowing I had been through it (post c-section breastfeeding can be a trial, and I had done it twice). I gave her my advice. She didn't follow it, but called me back a week later and told me how much MORE trouble she was having. Well...what did you try that I suggested? Nothing? ...Well then what did you expect? You didn't change anything...SO NOTHING CHANGED. If you want to breastfeed, I'm giving you the best advice I have, and giving you resources to get this worked out. If what you're doing right now is failing you...and you're not willing to try what I'm suggesting, I don't know what more I can tell you. And I wasn't telling her anything off the wall. She had hired a lactation consultant and seen the consultants at the hospital, as well as been to the pediatrician and her OB. ...Did you call LLL? I gave you their info...Oh, you didn't want to call them b/c none of the people you've already dealt with could help...I see. I don't know what one has to do with the other, but okay. Did you try the nipple shield? No...Okay, so that might also be a problem. Are you letting the baby nurse more than you're pumping? No, again? Um...Hon, I'm not sure what else to tell you. (Obviously we went through more than 3 suggestions, but I just needed a few examples to point out the issues.) And in the end I got a very long email that ended with her calling me a "deranged hippy breastfeeder" who was forcing my beliefs down her throat. ...YOU called me, dear!

We're still friends, although, the moment breastfeeding comes up in group conversations if anyone asks me anything I hear lots of sighing from her general direction...and even if it seems like others are glad to hear what I have to say, she always manages to end the topic with, "Forcing your baby to suck on your tit doesn't make you a better mother!" ...Umm, no one said it did, thanks for that!

ETA: Jessica, I am just now seeing your response about the short video/long story...And I get it, but, lol, REALLY?? Quit your job? ;)

Mon, 2010-01-18 19:28

I'm OK with parenting advice. I ask for it. I give it when offered. When I get together with my mom friends we all start talking about what works for us and what doesn't.

What I am not OK with is judgement and this whole holier than thou crap. Every child is different and every parenting relationship is different. Don't try and tell me that what I am doing is wrong, and that your child always eats their vegetables because I have seen your child throw peas on the floor and scream for candy.

When someone gives you judgey advice and poo-poos the way you do this or that, consider the source because likely they're trying to mask the insecurities they have about their own parenting skills.

Sun, 2010-01-17 21:32

I have found that there is a BIG difference between saying, when asked, "what worked for me is ..." and saying, "you should". There is also a BIG difference between giving solicited and unsolicited feedback.

I have gotten great tips from hearing what other moms have done, and I have also felt vindicated and relieved when I've seen that it's not all peachy-keen for them all the time either. In fact, I've encountered situations where I wanted to hear what another mom did and she wouldn't share and I felt disappointed. Perhaps this isn't exactly the same thing as offering advice - you might call it support and information. But I think it would be really disappointing if we lost out on community and valuable insight because it might backfire.

Sun, 2010-01-17 13:19

I have to say that I don't get the opportunity to give parenting advice from one parent to another as much as I get to give it from teacher to parent. And I restrict my advice in that arena to education-relevant and pretty much only when I am asked what I think about the situation. When I give the advice, I use either my experiences with my step-daughter, now an "adult" and gone from our lives, or experiences I anticipate having with my son, since he's a bit young for most of the topics parents usually see me about.

I always am clear that what works in one situation may not work in another, and parents need to be sure that they know their own kid(s) and what would be most effective.

But if one of my friends asked me for advice, I would be very likely to say, "Well, I haven't been through that before, so I don't think I can fairly say . . ."

My BFF and I were pregnant together on opposite coasts with her first and my only. Our sons also have a lot in common. So we talk and compare notes a lot. My son started full-time formal schooling first (mainly because I work in a school and she's at home), but we're both teachers, and I more often pass along things my son's teacher from last year (our school's kindergarten director) has told me about raising kids like BFF and I have.

I never try to sound like an authority on anything parenting related, because I know how much I still have to learn. One exception would be with my husband. He already had four kids before we got married. They're all 19-30plus now, and times have changed. In addition, my husband has changed. He has grown and matured and he's a different person than the one who raised those older kids. But he still has some ways of dealing with our son that I feel it's important to address when they come up. He's usually willing to hear what I have to say, especially when I start with, "I just want you to know that what usually works for me is to . . ."

It's fun.

Sun, 2010-01-17 00:36

Yep. If you're asked, offer your take. If not, zip.

Just before my daughter was born, one of the nurses in our parenting class said "in the first 24 hours of your child's life, you will know more about that child than any other person in the universe". I took that statement as words to live by, and graciously listened if anyone offered opinions, and then did what I thought was best for my baby. That said, I often reach out to my sister and close friends who are parents, people I trust, when I don't have the answers.

Sat, 2010-01-16 11:22

I LOVE Asha. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Asha. (I just wanted to get that out in the beginning.)

Yes, I give advice when asked and I ask for advice all the time. Let me be clear, I NEVER give advice if I'm not asked. If you have a problem with it, I don't want to be your friend. It's that simple. If you are so insecure as to freak out like Jessica's friend and to take seven years to forgive the advice-giver, then you have a lot of other issues that would go in the way of a close friendship.

Now that all sounds super dramatic and it's really not almost all of the time. Advice I give usually focuses on nutrition. I don't tell people to quit their job.

Fri, 2010-01-15 19:10

I think I'm with Jessica and Maggie on this one. Mostly.

If a good friend asks me for advice on a more serious issue, I will try to answer gently and honestly. However, I don't EVER offer unsolicited advice and I HATE receiving it. I had a toxic friendship for several years and that was one of my main gripes with this woman ... her first son was 3 mos younger than mine, she had never babysat or been around babies/young children prior to having him - my mom ran a day care in our home, I had been a full-time live-in nanny 2x, yet here she was constantly telling me how I should do things with my son. Either that or pointing out how she handled every little thing down to wiping his little tush. No kidding. She was like that in every aspect of her life, I wasn't surprised but I was annoyed and eventually dropped her.

NOBODY likes a know-it-all, ladies. ;)

Fri, 2010-01-15 10:12

I'm one of those that think it depends on the person. I love giving advice. No, correction. I love telling about MY experiences, and what worked for me. I think it's up to the other person as to whether they take it as 'advice' or just my crazy stories of early-mommy-hood. But, I also like to GET advice from others, whether I use it or not.

I was recently discussing with a girlfriend tantrums and toddlers. My son is 6 months older than her son, and she is always telling me how she looks at my son as a 'judge' for what is to come in about 6 months with hers. My son is about out of the tantrum phase, while her's is full-blown into it. I just commiserated, as what else can you do? But I also gave her a book recommendation that was passed along to me by another friend that I really enjoyed and that we got a lot out of. Was it advice? I don't think so. Did she appreciate it? Yes. At least, that's the impression I got from her gratitude in my sharing with her.

I'm starting to think that if you like GETTING advice, you don't mind GIVING it, either.

Fri, 2010-01-15 09:39

Yes, I agree, it depends on the person.

For me, personally, I never, ever, ever want to talk to a mom friend who uses jargon like "child striking." To me, that screams of a parent who reads more than they parent. That's not the kind of parenting for me. And honestly, if a friend told me to quit my job because I was having night-time feeding issues, I would question the sanity of the friend! Because obviously, she either works because she enjoys it or her family needs the money, so for a friend to not understand that, and then suggest I totally change my life based on her advice=no thanks, "friend."

If a mom friend outright asked, "What would/did you do?" I'll answer her honestly, and then not be offended if she did something differently. We each figure out what works best for our family.

Fri, 2010-01-15 08:31