Punishing Your Children

Wefwjnegjjw

Wed, 2010-03-03 18:00

I had no idea what I would do as a parent. But I've decided when my son was small that I would not spank. My husband believes that it is sometimes necessary .

My son is now 2.5 and I have yet to really raise my voice to him. So far, so good, and I think I'm lucky, I don't dare think that we are doing something right because parenting is so challenging and I know I will have to eat crow one day. In fact, I'm absolutely sure that one day I'll eat crow.

Whenever he has tantrums, I first let him for 10 seconds to flail around on the floor, and then offer hugs, and he usually takes them and calms down.

Whenever he does something naughty, I go down to his level and make him look at me in my eyes (it's not easy) and tell him that mommy doesn't like that, it's not nice. Sometimes it works, sometimes we just have to change the environment a bit.

I'm a lot more patient as a mother than I've ever been as a wife or sister or daughter... so far!

Tue, 2009-02-17 12:30

Disciplining in my household is more of a Trial and Error with lots of emphasis on the Error. It is very stressful at times but rewarding (when it works) during other times.

Time-outs do not work with my son (Screams, runs away from spot etc...)
What works best with him is to give him choices. But when he doesn't listen, one of those choices is a consequence. "You can either eat the chocolate cookie after supper, or not eat any at all".

I can definitely relate with Alice about my son's STRONG emotions. Boy does it test my nerves at times. I just wonder what my newborn son will be like. Hopefully, they will balance each other out :)

Sun, 2009-01-18 14:03

I have problems with my 4,5 year old daughter. When she gets bored (especially if we stay at home all the day/week/2weeks long when she's got a flu) or when I say something she doesn't like - she tries to hit me. When I try to talk to her like "I see, you disagree with me..." or "Well, you're tired..." or "I understand you desperately wanted this exactly doll your sister is playing with..." - she starts yelling: "DON'T YOU TALK TO ME! SHUT UP! GET OUT OF HERE!" and nothing works! She doesn't want to go somewhere and to calm down, she starts biting me, hitting, screaming "YOU'RE A BAD MOTHER!"...

Sometimes I have enough patience not to take it too emotionally and stay cool. But sometimes it's gets really offencive, and I grab her and place her in her room and then just hold the door, so that she can't go out - untill she calms down. Sometimes it repeats for two or three or even four times a day - and it drives me mad, so, yeah, I spank my daughter...

Thu, 2009-01-15 06:17

I grew up in a household that attacked me emotionally, often things were said to shake my foundations and to force me to submit. As a parent now, I find that spanking my child is preferable. The strikes are controlled and follow a speech and aren't hard, but they are recognized as punishment. Afterward, a stern "Do you know what you did wrong?", if my child still is unaware I explain to them again what happened and how it could have gone differently.
As a mother to a baby who doesn't understand speech, and is still crawling, pulling the potted plants around, I merely strike his hands lightly with a firm "No."
I believe a child cannot grow up thinking that all he will receive for a wrong doing is a stern talking to, there will be stronger repercussions then what I deliver if he doesn't learn now.
Please do not think I do not love my children, spanking is punishment when I've explained to my son to not run into the street, and I always exchange hugs, kisses, and "I love yous" when the disciplining is over.

Wed, 2009-01-14 23:14

Thank you for bringing up this controversial parenting topic.

The concern with spanking is that it can be a slippery slope from “controlled spanking” to angry spanking. The fact is that it is human nature to act more impulsively when angry. If we make the decision that it is okay to spank, then does it give more permission to oneself to do so when angry?

We model what behavior is okay and not okay through our actions. If we spank our children when we are angry, are we teaching them that it is okay to use angry hands when angry?

How about modeling for children how to calm down when angry? Many times when the situation is escalated for the children, it is escalated for the adult too. When parents can work to calm down, and then work to solve the problem, they can really prepare children for life. After all, it’s hard to manage strong emotions. For more on anger and tantrums: http://tinyurl.com/7kflpg

Coach Nancy
www.myparentingsource.com

Wed, 2009-01-14 08:55

gosh, reading all these makes me remember how hard it is when the kids are young. i didn't really spank & wasn't the best discipliarian. in fact, i pretty much made every mistake in the book, on a routine basis. my strength was more in the nurturing department. as a tween. my daughter is easy to manage and i find that just the knowledge that i can (and will) irritate her as much as she can me keeps her in check.

but i will say single parenting has made me more firm. the other day, she was acting like a prima donna & i straight out said, "Princesses don't live in this house. You can't act like one here."

~ http://blackswanpapers.blogspot.com/

Tue, 2009-01-13 12:38

We were really struggling with discipline for our 2 y/o. She is bright and sweet, but also short on patience with herself and others. She can scream for up to 45 min (a few times a day) if things don't go her way.
What didn't work:
-time outs (what's time?)
-authoritative voice (big voice)
-taking away a toy (feel like a bully)
-bribery (toys and cookies)
-guilt (see these wrinkles?)
-adult tantrums (embarrassing and desperate)

My sister turned us onto these ideas based on our daughter's personality.
-redirection (what she should be doing instead)
-distraction (hey! look over here!)
-asking her what to do (discussing consequences, child led)
-when taking control of something, give her control of something else (ex- you have to go into the stroller now, but you tell us which way to go!)
-excited voice (big but not stern, also not sweet. positive and meant to get attention but not give praise for this particular situation)

And that's where we are at now. It's exhausting but we're having zero tantrums these days. We're first time parents and really didn't have a clue coming into this game. I wish I could say that the books helped or all the well intentioned advice we got... but I'm convinced each kid is totally different and that more often than not the advice we received from others was toxic. Try to tap into your kid and what they need. We couldn't see it as we were too emotionally involved (read: drained). My sister helped us figure out her personality and we worked on the rest. I'm sure that now that everything is cool her personality is due for a complete change. It's an arms race.

Tue, 2009-01-13 08:15

Just so everyone knows, I totally cop up the fact that I won the parenting lottery when it comes to Paige. She is spectacular. I don't know what I would have done if she was a normal kid, with normal meltdowns. I might not have anymore hair left.

I am not spared parental agony however, she and I have our share of meltdowns and arguments. We fight all of the time! But it's usually because we have such different personalities or because we go through the run of the mill mother daughter coming of age friction ... I think she is acting obnoxious and she thinks I am a fuddy duddy.

I just asked Paige if she thought spanking would be effective. She said that the prospect of one of my legendary lectures was far more frightening to her.

Mon, 2009-01-12 22:18

Hey, check out this short video !
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Xui5w3YX7U

Mon, 2009-01-12 18:12

I don't know if dads are encouraged here, but it's a good site so I don't care. I finally registered after reading for quite a while.

We're foster parents, and it is illegal to spank foster children in our state, so we extend that same courtesy to our permanent children.

Our discipline method is basically communicating our expectations clearly and consistently, and if they don't meet those expectations, we find something they like and deny it to them. The "thing they like" is most often their free time taken away with a time out, but for stubborn eaters it might be dessert, for a kid who won't go to sleep it might be their night light, it might be the toys they refused to pick up, or it might be something as simple as our attention. It's different for every child and every situation. We also try to use positive reinforcement when appropriate.

A very basic principle that is sometimes very difficult to apply.

Mon, 2009-01-12 14:47

Oh Alice,
I know the anguish you are going through. I've had that same look on my face. My oldest is 6 and very argumentative yet intuitive at the same time. Some of the things she says are so on the money but she also just argues to argue and becomes very emotional about it. My husband and I were against spanking and out of three we have that one child that nothing seems to get through to her. I admit that on more than on occasion I have given her a few smacks on the bottom when it seemed that it was the only way to get her attention. It may be a temporary fix, I'm not sure. I do feel that everyone had great ideas. I have tried them and they really do work. Choices work. It does make the child feel like they have some control. Timeouts work, especially with an emotional child. We used a chair when she was little and now her room. It gives them a chance to calm down and let's them know that you won't respond to that kind of behavior. Giving positive reinforcement for temper tantrums is the worst thing to do. I've seen that one in action and it wasn't pretty. Here's the kicker. Figuring out how to keep your cool, keep your wits about you, not let emotions rule, not make a quick decision is extremely difficult. Being able to give myself time to come up with the solution is where I, for one, fall short sometimes. I'm still figuring it out. I do know that when I can remember to give myself a timeout, the solution follows. Without spanking
Kellie
http://www.momranoutscreaming.com

Mon, 2009-01-12 14:18

Thankfully my husband and I feel the same way about spanking. It's off limits. As a strict mom there are soooooo many other ways to discipline a child. I just don't understand how someone can spank a child when they do something wrong. When in our adult world is it okay to hit another adult? It's not, unless you're defending yourself.

We had a rude awakening over the holidays. A close family member was watching our daughter for the day. When my husband and I returned she told us that our 2-year-old tried to hit her in the face. Natalia's not a hitter but apparently she tried to swat at her. So instead of just telling my daughter no or pushing her hands away the family member "hit" her back. No, she didn't clobber her, spank her or anything like that. But she did take both of Natalia's hands and "slap" them. I don't care if she did it lightly or barely touched my daughter. I was flabbergasted. She didn't strike me as someone who would do that. Ever.

After I got over my shock I was pissed. Really pissed. It's not her kid. And no, just cause she's a family member it does not give her the right to decide how to punish my daughter. So after I calmed down I politely told her straight up never ever to do that again. Thankfully my husband also joined in on the conversation and backed me up. She admitted that she very taken aback when my daughter hit her and clearly she overeacted.

So make sure everybody knows the best way to discipline your child including family members. No exceptions.

Tracy
http://themoxiereport.blogspot.com

Mon, 2009-01-12 18:43

I totally agree with Asha, Displine is not suppose to be a taboo because it's what corrects our children from the bad and guides them to what's right.. that said I do not believe in spanking because growing up in Haiti spanking was the norm for my parents, although I was a chilld back then I did not agree with that because it made me think that my parents did not love me in any way and the spanking was too connected to their emotions.. I know that when you are a child you do not see the big picture.
Now that I am a mother I do not have the guts to lift a hand on my child because all those memories and feelings of helplessness come back to haunt me; so for now since my eldest daughter is five time outs work great.... FOR NOW AT LEAST.

Mon, 2009-01-12 07:48