Sex After Baby

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November 11, 2008

How do you mentally, emotionally, and physically regain your sex life after giving birth? Rebecca Woolf of Girl's Gone Child asks the ladies of Momversation how their sexuality was affected after they had a baby, and what it took - or takes - to get back to their sex lives. What was your experience after giving birth? What adjustments or changes did you make to your sex life after having kids? Tell us in the comments, and visit our related forums for more advice:

Panelists

Heather Armstrong - Dooce Mindy Roberts - The Mommy Blog Nataly Kogan - Work It, Mom! Rebecca Woolf - Girl's Gone Child

Keywords

Pregnancy Sex

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40 Comments

Pat

Hi yall
I usually follow you gals blogs (although i have never commented on any of them yet)
I just want to congratulate you guys on this site, its wonderful to have a place to go and see women who share the exact same situations as me.
Sex after child birth,... I have to two kids, a two month old (today) and a four year old.
The first time around i did not have sex until the fourth month after the birth, and boy may I say that I was NOT in the mood at all and very confused... but this time i guess i am in such a hurry to get back to being my awsome self, six weeks afterwards was all it took.
I guess its mental but I have to say that the fist delivery was much harder the boday (with being induced and all) than the second one.

Mon, 2008-11-17 06:32

Maternal Mirth

I have to say that my honey and I haven't experienced a sex "lull", even with THREE kids.

Sure, after having a baby, you're not up to the task, but we solved that issue with an evening out without the kids. After a romantic dinner and some wine, we headed home after the kids were in bed and I was sooooo ready for some love'in.

I am finding that any lacking in the woo-hoo department has more to do with the number of years we've been together than it does with having kids or post-pregnancy.

Mon, 2008-11-17 10:48

JustAnotherMommyBlog

I feel extremely, EXTREMELY blessed that my sex drive didn't decrease with each child. If anything, I think our sex life has improved over time, and with kids. (though I am still remiss to have too much of my mama-gut showing during daytime sex...)

There are LOTS of reasons, though, why your sex drive would change. 7 months, however, is a bit on the long side, and I would hope that a Gyne would have offered help with hormones or something...

Our bodies change with not only children, but age as well. I try to remind myself of that when we are having a lull in the bedroom, and not take it personally.

Mon, 2008-11-17 14:28

ashnmicsmom

Certainly my body changed after having a baby and it did feel different, especially after the 10 pounder... I went through all the same conflicts. How could anyone have sex with something that *this* came out of and then even when my interest started to come back ( and it will ) I was too dry to even enjoy it because of hormonal fluctuations. It was not easy being sexual again after the first baby but I did get it back and actually enjoy it now more than ever. After my second baby I was ready to climb the walls long before the six-week checkup. It's different for every one, and every baby, just do what feels comfortable for your body.

Mon, 2008-11-17 18:36

Giyen

@maternal mirth - perhaps that is why you have three kids and i only have one. lol. : )

i had postpartum depression so sex was the last thing on my mind. hiding in a dark cave seemed more appealing to me than cavorting under the covers. come to think of it, hiding in a dark cave still sounds alluring ... but now only if i had someone with me.

Giyen
www.baconismyenemy.com

Tue, 2008-11-18 07:06

Jess

I just found momversation today, but this is definitely a topic I can chime right in on. The day after I gave birth, a doctor filling in for mine marches into our hospital room, examines my tummy, and announces to my husband that there is absolutely no reason I can't have sex as soon as I want to. He told us the whole 6 week thing is strictly legend blah blah blah. Let me tell you, I hate that doctor, wish I could remember his name, I'd write him a long nasty letter.

It is great to read about other's experiences and lift some of the pressure of feeling like you aren't satisfying your partner. I've had three boys, and I agree that it takes one to two years to get everything back in order and working like it used to. Even once I felt physically comfortable having sex again, there wasn't as much satisfaction in it for me for quite a while.

Anyway, I'll read on. It is great to share reality with other moms. Good luck!!

Mon, 2008-11-17 20:21

MsBwell

Sex started back up for us at six weeks after both of our girls births. I credit my husband for that, it was all his doing. He made sure I knew how sexy I still was to him, it was almost like we were re-dating. I got back rubs, foot massages, flowers, he would come into the room give me a deep passionate kiss then just walk out. By the end of six weeks I was so turned on by him I couldn’t wait for sex. Now wanting to and actually doing it are two different things. The first time around I was so afraid it was going to hurt I’m sure it was like making love to a board for my husband. In fact in the middle of it I started laughing because it just sucked, which started him laughing and ended the moment. It took awhile for my body and sex drive to get back together. Two vaginal births, daily kegel exercises and 12 years later I can say our sex life is still going strong (well when he’s within the same country).

I think if my husband wouldn’t of been seducing me during that time we wouldn’t of had sex that soon. He helped me feel good about my changing body and at ease. Him romancing me during that time was what I needed. When a man complains how he’s in a sexless marriage I always wonder what is he doing for his wife?

Tue, 2008-11-18 06:54

Alex

I had my first child on July 4th of last summer. I had never considered that my sexual desire would decrease - it was quite an eye opener in the weeks after birth. My body was still returning to its normal size and all of the hormonal changes were having an effect on me. However, within 4 weeks I was sexually active again. At first I thought sex would never be the same. Four months later, things have returned to normal, for the most part, and my desire has returned.

I was working full-time my first three weeks back at work - I was exhausted and thought that my sex life was gone for good; again! Now I am working part-time and have a lot more energy. I have found that the baby has increased our creativity - location and timing has become extra interesting. I credit my increased sexual desire to being confident in my body, although it has returned to pre pregnancy size, I still have war wounds - stretch marks (which I am learning to accept). I also credit my desire to a supportive and loving partner. I do think that this is different for every woman.

Tue, 2008-11-18 13:09

REAL

Good conversation. Like some of the woman above, my husband was a great help in getting me back to normal intimacy. We were very good with date night with child #1, but with child #2 we have not been so lucky with baby sitter's etc. I strongly recommend couples planing time to spend with each other. In a few weeks, Dec. 12 to be exact, for the first time, my husband and I will spend the night in a hotel without our children. If all goes well, it might become a quarterly expense- I mean experience.

One quick aside- my husband didn't want to go out of town, he was worried about being too far away from the children- sometimes I think he does that to make me feel guilty... that I would like to spend a whole week away from my children and just be with him. I married him- I plan on growing old with him. My children are not going to be there for me when I am 65- I do hope that he is.

I don't know if the panelist are interested in tackling the next obvious question: re how much sex are you having now that you have children. How many times a week/month? Is the sex any good?

Tue, 2008-11-18 15:45

massdistraction

My experience is a little different. I discovered I was pregnant just after ending a relationship, and decided to go ahead with it, solo. I bought a house and moved in just before my son was born. The first year of his life I focused on ensuring his survival, keeping my career afloat and keeping this old house from falling down. I had a few low points where I didn't think anyone would want to date an out of shape single mom (and even thought of myself as too "old" at the tender age of 26). But before the first year was out I managed to get my mojo back. And things have only improved with time. At 35 I have a self-confidence I never had when I was younger, and I'm having the best sex of my life.

Tue, 2008-11-18 16:39

greysons_mom

After an episiotomy and additional tearing, I could barely walk, let alone think of sex. But within two weeks, I was climbing the walls, trying to seduce my husband. He literally had to pull me off of him. I never made it to 6 weeks. I got him to cave at around 4 1/2. The only problem now is my loose skin and stretchmarks coupled with daytime sex!

Tue, 2008-11-18 22:45

Alexis

I think I am dealing with the double-whammy of age and childbirth, since I had my son just shy of my 39th birthday. He's now two, and sadly, the mojo has not yet returned. I thought this was supposed to be my sexual prime! I am beginning to think I'm an outlier on the sexual bell curve. While it's reassuring to know that some other women are also experiencing a lag in a return to their pre-baby sex drives, I fear mine may be gone for good. I know that can't possibly be true, but it's been TWO YEARS, and we've only had sex maybe ten times! I seem to have lost even the ability to fantasize. That's right - I can't even come up with an interesting pretend scenario. (Even my lifelong celebrity crush on Robert Downey Jr. is more of an intellectual lust than a physical one.) It's like I've forgotten that part of my life and I don't miss it other than thinking that I should.

Tue, 2008-11-18 22:46

NJN2Mom

I am in the same boat. I had baby 1 at 37 and baby 2 at 38 and work full-time. We only manage to make love about once every six months. I could care less if the mojo ever returns at this point. I asked my gyno about it, and she laughed (mom of 3, age 35) she said she would be surprised if we were having sex more often. She told me if my hubby & I were on the same page and having conversation about sex (or lack of) and we were okay with it, than we are OK. She assured me that things would get better when the kids got a bit older. I can go days with out even thinking about it. Yikes!

Sat, 2008-12-06 05:54

Mummyc

I never regain my sex life after having my 2nd child and she just turned 5. My husband and I stopped having sex when we found out we were pregnant. Then I was too upset with my husband for not helping me take care of them to even think about him in a pleasant way. So not having sex was not an issue then, but we've not have sex since January 2003!!! He had problems with ED before we got pregnant and now blames it on the ED and being too afraid to to even want to try. Who knows. I'm just too tired to really care but I do miss hugs and kisses and TLC.

Wed, 2008-11-19 02:01

Abi

Thank you so much for this episode!!!

I had my 2nd baby in August and my sex drive has gone AWOL. I don't know where it went and I don't know when it will come back. It didn't exactly leave me a note or anything. Last night hubby just made a comment that we've had sex ONCE in the past 6 months, maybe more. Sex during the last trimester wasn't exactly comfortable, much less comfortable after the baby.

Heather, thank you so much for the no sex after 7 months comment. It is SUCH A RELIEF to know that I am not alone. I am just not interested in it right now and hubby doesn't seem to understand that. I don't know if its the hormones or if I'm going through depression. Sex is just the last thing on my mind right now. We do play around, I try to make him happy, but what I'm doing isn't enough apparently.

So I have to ask, how did you hubbies deal with the lack of interest/desire in sex? How did you overcome that as a couple?

Thu, 2008-11-20 09:18

missmarble

@Alexis

"It's like I've forgotten that part of my life and I don't miss it other than thinking that I should."

I could have written your comment. I don't even know where to begin, to improve our sex life. Even worse, is that my sex drive was in overdrive when I was pregnant, and I mean OVERDRIVE. (Except that my husband was of the "I'm scared it will hurt the baby" mindset, so it just didn't happen. Talk about opposite ends if the scale!) We had a comfortable sex life before baby, and I'm wondering when it will recover. We don't talk about it. It's the elephant in the room. I don't think either of us knows where to start, so we don't. It makes me sad.

Thu, 2008-11-20 12:58

Boo

I just found this site looking for "marriage sex problems"

This just makes me cry, despite everyone saying it's normal. But now, two years later...I just don't feel like it. It's not that we don't have sex, we do. I just don't want to. I enjoy it when we do, but its not like I go "hey honey, I'm finished giving the boy a bath, feeding him, reading him his bed time story, doing the dishes...how about it?"

I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I am losing my marriage. I don't feel like a person anymore and I am scared.

Fri, 2008-11-21 03:13

Katherine

@ MsBwell -- "When a man complains how he’s in a sexless marriage I always wonder what is he doing for his wife?". Amen to that!

@Boo:

I don't know if you'll come back to read the posts, or just needed a shoulder to cry on -- but if you do come back, please feel better! Never mind all the smug sexy people at the top of this post: you are not the only one to feel like this, and there's nothing wrong with you, and it shouldn't be the end of your marriage!

If you haven’t got the luxury of a raging libido, and/or a husband who is way more sensitive than usual, and you’re exhausted and given too many hugs and kisses already (just in a different context) and you’re possibly having all kinds of lactation-related trouble, it’s no surprise you’re not in the mood. Lord knows I wasn’t!

My husband and I haven’t ever had a huge firework of a sex life, but after our son was born (now 2-1/2) things were pretty rocky. With patience, and – OK, let’s be honest, a lot of effort on my part which I felt was pretty selfless at the time – things got much better. So much better that I’m now knocked up with twins! I mention this because a friend gave me a twins book which had the best piece of advice I’ve seen (I wish I’d read it with child #1):

I wish I had a copy with me for the exact quote, but it was something along the lines of: “even though sex will probably be the last thing on your mind, a blowjob at the end of the day will work wonders – failing that, a little hand relief with a very sincere expression.” Not every night, but once in awhile at least. We’re all feeling horrible and tired and probably more than a little afraid that it will hurt/we’re not attractive any more/what if it’s all…y’know…stretched out… And our poor partners are just feeling lost and confused – without the equivalent of this blog for support. Sometimes they just need a little pick-me-up to remember that they ought to be nicer to us!

Incidentally, I’ve now got msmarble’s problem – now that I’m pregnant, I’m suddenly up for it, and he won’t touch me with a 10-foot pole! :-/

Fri, 2008-11-21 07:47

Boo

double posted

Sat, 2008-11-22 00:07

Boo

I might be double posting here but I didn't see it come up and then wanted to add to it anyway. I'm so glad I found this site. I have been reading and admiring Dooce for years now and happy to have found her with even more wonderful woman here.

Thank you Katherine. I think I was just having a bad night when everything for the last few weeks was just coming to a head and sex life, or lack of (desire to have sex), has been an issue in my head for a while.

It's been two years (or close to) since my son was born so I can't put it down to hormones or breast feeding. I just don't feel like it. Its not that we've not had sex at all. We started back on the saddle three weeks after baby (c-section) and I was roaring and ready to go. Its not even that we don't have sex. It's just that I know I am doing it simply because I'd like to keep my husband happy too. I've been on and off for months. And I'd rather an early nights sleep.

I am lucky that my husband is the best and is totally understanding. I just worry that one day, when it's been a few weeks since we've done it, that he'll look elsewhere for it. And he thinks the same for me, that I might do it, despite the fact that its ME who has no desire. We have discussed it so we're both on the same page about it too.

It's just so hard isn't it? To balance everything once baby is born. There should be classes in school on how to juggle not only with both hands, but both feet too. I also have no family close by (25 hour drive is good and bad) so date night is a pipe dream.

And thank you to the last comment as well. I am all animal :)

Sat, 2008-11-22 00:07

Heather M.

Thank you for talking about this. It is so nice to know that I am not alone. I had our first child in July and I am simply not interested in resuming that part of our relationship. I received the go ahead at 6 weeks and I was far too scared to even attempt sex that soon after giving birth. I had an episiotomy and felt that I just wasn’t healed enough. We finally tried before I went back to work at 12 weeks and it was horrible - a mix of a VERY lazy partner and the fact that it was very painful for me (even with lubrication). I should have stopped it but I felt like I needed to put forth the effort. We’ve attempted sex one other time and more of the same.

I think for now, that part of our life will be on hold. I don't have any desire to share this type of intimacy and I’m even less interested in feeling pain while doing something that is supposed to bring me pleasure.

Fri, 2008-11-21 12:14

Mom of a lot

Excellent conversation.
Here's some brutal honesty: after my first baby, I felt no desire for sex. Like many of you, I thought 'WHOA! Something's wrong with me.'
A few months later, I mentioned this to my acupuncturist. Not sure what she did. But I finally had the wonderful inclination several months later and ended up pregnant with twins.
Similar story after the twins: no sex drive, all dried up, lights off, end of story.
I mentioned this to my ObGyn this time around. I asked if there might be a little blue pill for women.
You might find his comments insulting, but I found incredible truth and comfort in them. He explained that a woman's body is designed at its most basic level, is to procreate. We are animals, after all. So we get the urge most explicitly when we're ovulating. And after we've given birth, our bodies are hardwired to nurse and care for the baby. Many of us aren't interested in sex because that's just how our bodies work.
For all of you who FEEL the urge and the lust and the drive to have sex. WAY TO GO!
For all of you who don't. Lighten up. It's definitely not a sign that something is wrong with you. Or your marriage. Or relationship.
The doctor further noted that ages and ages ago when we were less enlightened (or more, depending on your view), men simply had more sex partners to compensate for when one was busy with baby.
Old school? Yeah, probably.
He said I had options: I could talk with my husband, explain the situation, and have him agree to a temporary respite in the sex department or I could have sex despite the lack of desire.
We chose the former as I just wasn't comfortable having sex when I clearly didn't want to.
We went without sex longer than Heather... but lo and behold, one morning I woke up with that wonderful feeling again and we had sex for the next three days. I felt so alive. Like my body had reawakened... experienced its on spring season.
On the fourth day, my husband woke up excited for yet another day of bliss but the feeling was GONE. Just like that.
I can't emphasize enough -- it was like a faucet. OFF. Then ON. Then OFF again.
An absolute feeling. An absolute difference.
A month or so later, we learned I was pregnant again.
Turns out I was ovulating those days. My body really was telling me to make more babies.
This time around I'm cutting myself much more slack. I'm nursing my infant and taking care and waiting for the day when I come alive again. It might take awhile. But it will come. I'm patient.
And this time we'll be ready -- my husband's getting an operation. No more babies.
:)

Fri, 2008-11-21 12:38

SallyHP

This site is amazing! I can't stop watching the videos! I just had a baby in June..well, I guess 'just' isn't accurate anymore, but for the vag, it feels like yesterday sometimes. It was harder the second time to get back into the swing of things, and that may have more to do with the extra weight I still have. It was a completely different recovery with a vaginal birth and I'm home full-time whereas I worked full-time last time. Sometimes I feel like I almost resented the fact that he got to go out and be his 'work' self, while I was just mom all day...sex just didn't really feel good afterward (and I don't mean within the first six weeks). It DOES feel different, I agree. It's just a process of re-discovery.Thank God for those supportive and loving spouses, eh?

Sat, 2008-11-22 18:22

5minutesformom

Heather, we LOVE your honesty!!!!

@Boo -- "It's just so hard isn't it? To balance everything once baby is born." YES... you are sooooo very right... and Janice and I are certainly NOT experts at balancing.

@ MsBwell -- "When a man complains how he’s in a sexless marriage I always wonder what is he doing for his wife?". YES!!!!!! Hospitals should tattoo that on new father's as they leave the hospital!!!

Fri, 2008-11-28 16:10

Casual Friday E...

I'd say it took us a good year before things were really going great in that area again. Not that we waited a year to have sex but we didn't get our "groove" back until the baby was sleeping through the night, we had more freedom to go out on dates and so on. I figure, you have the rest of your life to be a sexual being and for it to be hot and heavy...take the time YOU need to recover. Your hubby should understand and it isn't like intercourse is the only thing you can do with each other ;)

Nell

Fri, 2008-11-28 17:49

MilitaryMommy

Oh my, thank you for talking about this! Although I know logically I'm not the only one that has been slow to get back my sex drive, sometimes it feels like it. I have tears in my eyes listening to you all express the exact same thing I feel. I got torn up pretty good delivering my son and between the pain, fear and just lack of desire, it's been a tough haul. Plus, due to my husband's job we have moved twice in 10 months with a baby. It's been a hard year. Shew, thanks for being candid. I needed that.

Fri, 2008-12-05 08:29

michelle

I didn't give too much thought to this topic before my baby came along (I was one of those people who was just worried about becoming a first-time mom!), and it's great to hear everyone's experiences. I too assumed that after my 6-week check-up everything would be ready to go, but I was not ready for another few months after that. And the first few times it really hurt! They don't really mention that in the pregnancy books....

Fri, 2008-12-05 21:20

SusanAO

I bled until the morning of my 6wk post partum appt, so there was certainly no sex being had then. I had had an episitomy and had torn a little before that, so I was downright sore. Didn't help matters that my hubby is on anti-depressants which decreased his libido. I didn't have much desire either, frankly. I wanted SLEEP. Not sex. I think it was 5-7 months after the birth that we finally tried to have sex. And yes, it was different...for several months. Takes a while for that area to heal and regain its elasticity after stitches in the hoo-ha.

Fri, 2008-12-05 23:38

ali C

Having a family is one of the most beautiful creations of life. Love is a feeling which we have between husband and wife without thought. Sex is one of the most enjoyable way to express the love between husband and wife especially if both can orgasim everytime.
I have had six children and mentally and emotionally it is challenging the first two months, but a week after the baby is born we made a big effort to ly together and just touch on the arm or somewhere or cuddle for 20min a day, to express the beauty of the child being born and to still the mind as much as possible.
It's the love and affection that can be expressed to each other. The miraculous miracle of the womb going back to it's original shape.
Remember the love before the sex, as sex is really about expressing love in a physical way.
I hope your love returns and your mind quitens so you can go back to sharing and expressing love in the physical form.

Sat, 2008-12-06 05:19

odessa

It would be nice if this site had the perspective of a single mom - I've only watched a few vids so maybe I'm just not aware of one who was included in this discussion. My partner and I split after our son was born and it has super duper hard to both get back my sexuality AND think about having sex with someone new AND find the time to get out and meet men when I am a full-time working single mother. So... yeah. Sex after baby? Extremely complicated.

Also? "Objects shift during flight" is hilarious.

Mon, 2008-12-08 09:51