November 12, 2008
How do you mentally, emotionally, and physically regain your sex life after giving birth? Rebecca Woolf of Girl's Gone Child asks the ladies of Momversation how their sexuality was affected after they had a baby, and what it took - or takes - to get back to their sex lives. What was your experience after giving birth? What adjustments or changes did you make to your sex life after having kids? Tell us in the comments, and visit our related forums for more advice:
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43 Comments
Lomwefgbnbv
Thu, 2010-03-04 10:53
Wefwjnegjjw
Wed, 2010-03-03 18:20
I'm so thankful that my pregnancies and birth experiences really made me feel more in touch with myself and my body, and more sure of who I was.
If this effected me sexually it was only in a positive way.
http://www.theladyslounge.com
Fri, 2010-01-29 15:43
I'm so thankful that my pregnancies and birth experiences really made me feel more in touch with myself and my body, and more sure of who I was.
If this effected me sexually it was only in a positive way.
http://www.theladyslounge.com
Fri, 2010-01-29 14:40
Honestly in a lot of ways having a baby together improved our sex life. I think that becoming a mother has made me sexier to my husband. And nothing is hotter than a man taking care of your baby. I'd say we've definitely learned the value of a quickie (she's asleep, take your pants off, now!) A baby has certainly lowered the frequency, but we've always been quality and not quantity people. I think the only hard part has been my view of my post-partum body. If you've figured out acceptance of the 'belly' afterwards you are stronger woman than I.
www.redearthsafari.blogspot.com
Tue, 2010-01-26 08:45
REALLY LADIES THE WAY YOU FEEL ISN'T CRAZY MEN ARE BIG PEOPLE WITH A BOYS MIND IN MY EXPERIENCE MOST MEN WANT WHAT THEY HAD AS LITTLE BOYS EXAMPLE PLASTIC ARMY MEN VIDEO GAMES ALOT OF MEN ARE AFRAID TO BE REALLY WHO THEY ARE MY SUGGESTION PUT ON A SEXY DRESS AN HIGH HEALS WALK AROUND THE HOUSE PUT ON SOME MUSIC AN DANCE IN THE MIRROR UNTIL YOU FIND YOURSELF AGAIN GET DRESSED UP WHEN YOU GO TO SHOPPING YOU HAVE TO FEEL SEXY WITHIN WE ALL HAVE TO HAVE THE POWER TO RESCUE OURSELVES ONE DAY AT A TIME I'M OFF TO THE LIBRARY TAKE CARE LADIES AN THANK YOU
Thu, 2009-05-21 14:00
Sex after baby??? Yeah, right! My body responded differently after each child. With my first child, I was too sore to even think about sex. The second child-well, I couldn't wait to have sex. The third-it took a few months before I wanted to do anything. For one, I was busy with 3 kids and tired by the end of the day and didn't even want to think about waking up early for some lovemaking. My husband and I really had to be patient with one another because he was ready, of course, and I wasn't. But now, I'm well rested for the most part and it's ALL GOOD!
Shalanda
www.tookeswilderguidance.com
Tue, 2009-05-19 19:07
wow
Mon, 2009-05-18 15:10
My husband and I had sex during the pregnancy and right after I had our son we wanted to have sex again. My son had jaundice and we had to go to the hospital, again, for a week. We were crazy for each other. We had to go in the hospital's room to get naughty (and so the nurse wouldnt see us when she was checking on our son).
Mon, 2009-04-13 16:36
Yeah.... we didn't make it to 6 weeks. Guess its different for everyone. After the birth of our son, we felt closer than we ever have before. Once I had recovered (in my own opinion) I couldn't wait. I was a little sore afterwards but it was worth it!
I had an episiotomy and then tore a bit anyway (yeah THANKS doc. lotta good that snip did.) But eventually it healed.
If you're reading these and you're about to have your baby and deal with all of this for the first time then listen - everyone's experience is different. Also - try red wine. It sent me into labor AND perked up our sex life 4 weeks postpartum. I hear its also good for general health but I'm very pleased with its helpful contributions in my own life.
Fri, 2009-01-09 20:39
Another mom here with No. Desire. What-so-ever.
Our daughter is 18 months old. We haven't had sex since she was conceived.
Go on, pick yourself up off the floor and back on your chair.
I don't know what to think or say about it either.
Mon, 2008-12-29 18:08
i know what you mean. i have no desire to have sex at all. my husband and i haven't had sex since 2 days before my daughter was born on september 30, 2009. i just don't want to. i don't find myself attractive nor do i find my husband attractive anymore. i think it's just stress with the baby and all but i just don't want to do it. i think it also has to do with the fact that i'm TERRIFIED of getting pregnant again. i don't know what to do. it's like i have a sexual aversion now or something.
Sat, 2010-02-13 08:42
@Odessa I giggle at least once a day thinking of that, and apply it to so many situations.
@everyone Everyone here is normal! However, if I were a guy, I hope I'd try to read up and figure out how to help. The most sensitive and supportive fathers I know all say, "I'm so grateful to be a man, because it's hard to see what my wife goes through and I just try to help her through it." I was all, where's my supportive man?? I thought I married one!
My marriage wasn't at its best starting just before the birth and near-death of our second, when the lack of support and understanding, which had been a red flag waving for a couple years but was now a raging railroad track warning, completely dried up. I had a high-pressure job, PPD, a toddler, a critically ill infant who came home from the hospital with blown veins, a mohawk, and addicted to Morphine, with half a dozen meds to administer around the clock. All critical, all different, and I wandered around with a color-colored clipboard to match the bottles and syringes for six months. I can't remember if or how many times my husband helped carry the ball. Finally, we had sex for the first time since the birth nine months earlier (and the last time for the marriage). THAT'S when I got pregnant with our third, I so hear you, Mom of a Lot!
Although I had virtually no drive and no desire to be intimate with my now-ex, I think it had more to do with trust and security than biology. Biology would have played a part, but I know that the man I'm with now would have tried to buck me up and help me get excited about things again. I never knew what good sex was until after my divorce. Funny, huh? Just figuring out what an orgasm's like at 37. Awesome. I win.
Thu, 2008-12-11 12:44
It would be nice if this site had the perspective of a single mom - I've only watched a few vids so maybe I'm just not aware of one who was included in this discussion. My partner and I split after our son was born and it has super duper hard to both get back my sexuality AND think about having sex with someone new AND find the time to get out and meet men when I am a full-time working single mother. So... yeah. Sex after baby? Extremely complicated.
Also? "Objects shift during flight" is hilarious.
Mon, 2008-12-08 10:51
Having a family is one of the most beautiful creations of life. Love is a feeling which we have between husband and wife without thought. Sex is one of the most enjoyable way to express the love between husband and wife especially if both can orgasim everytime.
I have had six children and mentally and emotionally it is challenging the first two months, but a week after the baby is born we made a big effort to ly together and just touch on the arm or somewhere or cuddle for 20min a day, to express the beauty of the child being born and to still the mind as much as possible.
It's the love and affection that can be expressed to each other. The miraculous miracle of the womb going back to it's original shape.
Remember the love before the sex, as sex is really about expressing love in a physical way.
I hope your love returns and your mind quitens so you can go back to sharing and expressing love in the physical form.
Sat, 2008-12-06 06:19
I bled until the morning of my 6wk post partum appt, so there was certainly no sex being had then. I had had an episitomy and had torn a little before that, so I was downright sore. Didn't help matters that my hubby is on anti-depressants which decreased his libido. I didn't have much desire either, frankly. I wanted SLEEP. Not sex. I think it was 5-7 months after the birth that we finally tried to have sex. And yes, it was different...for several months. Takes a while for that area to heal and regain its elasticity after stitches in the hoo-ha.
Sat, 2008-12-06 00:38
I didn't give too much thought to this topic before my baby came along (I was one of those people who was just worried about becoming a first-time mom!), and it's great to hear everyone's experiences. I too assumed that after my 6-week check-up everything would be ready to go, but I was not ready for another few months after that. And the first few times it really hurt! They don't really mention that in the pregnancy books....
Fri, 2008-12-05 22:20
Oh my, thank you for talking about this! Although I know logically I'm not the only one that has been slow to get back my sex drive, sometimes it feels like it. I have tears in my eyes listening to you all express the exact same thing I feel. I got torn up pretty good delivering my son and between the pain, fear and just lack of desire, it's been a tough haul. Plus, due to my husband's job we have moved twice in 10 months with a baby. It's been a hard year. Shew, thanks for being candid. I needed that.
Fri, 2008-12-05 09:29
I'd say it took us a good year before things were really going great in that area again. Not that we waited a year to have sex but we didn't get our "groove" back until the baby was sleeping through the night, we had more freedom to go out on dates and so on. I figure, you have the rest of your life to be a sexual being and for it to be hot and heavy...take the time YOU need to recover. Your hubby should understand and it isn't like intercourse is the only thing you can do with each other ;)
Nell
Fri, 2008-11-28 18:49
Heather, we LOVE your honesty!!!!
@Boo -- "It's just so hard isn't it? To balance everything once baby is born." YES... you are sooooo very right... and Janice and I are certainly NOT experts at balancing.
@ MsBwell -- "When a man complains how he’s in a sexless marriage I always wonder what is he doing for his wife?". YES!!!!!! Hospitals should tattoo that on new father's as they leave the hospital!!!
Fri, 2008-11-28 17:10
This site is amazing! I can't stop watching the videos! I just had a baby in June..well, I guess 'just' isn't accurate anymore, but for the vag, it feels like yesterday sometimes. It was harder the second time to get back into the swing of things, and that may have more to do with the extra weight I still have. It was a completely different recovery with a vaginal birth and I'm home full-time whereas I worked full-time last time. Sometimes I feel like I almost resented the fact that he got to go out and be his 'work' self, while I was just mom all day...sex just didn't really feel good afterward (and I don't mean within the first six weeks). It DOES feel different, I agree. It's just a process of re-discovery.Thank God for those supportive and loving spouses, eh?
Sat, 2008-11-22 19:22
Excellent conversation.
Here's some brutal honesty: after my first baby, I felt no desire for sex. Like many of you, I thought 'WHOA! Something's wrong with me.'
A few months later, I mentioned this to my acupuncturist. Not sure what she did. But I finally had the wonderful inclination several months later and ended up pregnant with twins.
Similar story after the twins: no sex drive, all dried up, lights off, end of story.
I mentioned this to my ObGyn this time around. I asked if there might be a little blue pill for women.
You might find his comments insulting, but I found incredible truth and comfort in them. He explained that a woman's body is designed at its most basic level, is to procreate. We are animals, after all. So we get the urge most explicitly when we're ovulating. And after we've given birth, our bodies are hardwired to nurse and care for the baby. Many of us aren't interested in sex because that's just how our bodies work.
For all of you who FEEL the urge and the lust and the drive to have sex. WAY TO GO!
For all of you who don't. Lighten up. It's definitely not a sign that something is wrong with you. Or your marriage. Or relationship.
The doctor further noted that ages and ages ago when we were less enlightened (or more, depending on your view), men simply had more sex partners to compensate for when one was busy with baby.
Old school? Yeah, probably.
He said I had options: I could talk with my husband, explain the situation, and have him agree to a temporary respite in the sex department or I could have sex despite the lack of desire.
We chose the former as I just wasn't comfortable having sex when I clearly didn't want to.
We went without sex longer than Heather... but lo and behold, one morning I woke up with that wonderful feeling again and we had sex for the next three days. I felt so alive. Like my body had reawakened... experienced its on spring season.
On the fourth day, my husband woke up excited for yet another day of bliss but the feeling was GONE. Just like that.
I can't emphasize enough -- it was like a faucet. OFF. Then ON. Then OFF again.
An absolute feeling. An absolute difference.
A month or so later, we learned I was pregnant again.
Turns out I was ovulating those days. My body really was telling me to make more babies.
This time around I'm cutting myself much more slack. I'm nursing my infant and taking care and waiting for the day when I come alive again. It might take awhile. But it will come. I'm patient.
And this time we'll be ready -- my husband's getting an operation. No more babies.
:)
Fri, 2008-11-21 13:38
Thank you for talking about this. It is so nice to know that I am not alone. I had our first child in July and I am simply not interested in resuming that part of our relationship. I received the go ahead at 6 weeks and I was far too scared to even attempt sex that soon after giving birth. I had an episiotomy and felt that I just wasn’t healed enough. We finally tried before I went back to work at 12 weeks and it was horrible - a mix of a VERY lazy partner and the fact that it was very painful for me (even with lubrication). I should have stopped it but I felt like I needed to put forth the effort. We’ve attempted sex one other time and more of the same.
I think for now, that part of our life will be on hold. I don't have any desire to share this type of intimacy and I’m even less interested in feeling pain while doing something that is supposed to bring me pleasure.
Fri, 2008-11-21 13:14
I just found this site looking for "marriage sex problems"
This just makes me cry, despite everyone saying it's normal. But now, two years later...I just don't feel like it. It's not that we don't have sex, we do. I just don't want to. I enjoy it when we do, but its not like I go "hey honey, I'm finished giving the boy a bath, feeding him, reading him his bed time story, doing the dishes...how about it?"
I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like I am losing my marriage. I don't feel like a person anymore and I am scared.
Fri, 2008-11-21 04:13
@ MsBwell -- "When a man complains how he’s in a sexless marriage I always wonder what is he doing for his wife?". Amen to that!
@Boo:
I don't know if you'll come back to read the posts, or just needed a shoulder to cry on -- but if you do come back, please feel better! Never mind all the smug sexy people at the top of this post: you are not the only one to feel like this, and there's nothing wrong with you, and it shouldn't be the end of your marriage!
If you haven’t got the luxury of a raging libido, and/or a husband who is way more sensitive than usual, and you’re exhausted and given too many hugs and kisses already (just in a different context) and you’re possibly having all kinds of lactation-related trouble, it’s no surprise you’re not in the mood. Lord knows I wasn’t!
My husband and I haven’t ever had a huge firework of a sex life, but after our son was born (now 2-1/2) things were pretty rocky. With patience, and – OK, let’s be honest, a lot of effort on my part which I felt was pretty selfless at the time – things got much better. So much better that I’m now knocked up with twins! I mention this because a friend gave me a twins book which had the best piece of advice I’ve seen (I wish I’d read it with child #1):
I wish I had a copy with me for the exact quote, but it was something along the lines of: “even though sex will probably be the last thing on your mind, a blowjob at the end of the day will work wonders – failing that, a little hand relief with a very sincere expression.” Not every night, but once in awhile at least. We’re all feeling horrible and tired and probably more than a little afraid that it will hurt/we’re not attractive any more/what if it’s all…y’know…stretched out… And our poor partners are just feeling lost and confused – without the equivalent of this blog for support. Sometimes they just need a little pick-me-up to remember that they ought to be nicer to us!
Incidentally, I’ve now got msmarble’s problem – now that I’m pregnant, I’m suddenly up for it, and he won’t touch me with a 10-foot pole! :-/
Fri, 2008-11-21 08:47
I might be double posting here but I didn't see it come up and then wanted to add to it anyway. I'm so glad I found this site. I have been reading and admiring Dooce for years now and happy to have found her with even more wonderful woman here.
Thank you Katherine. I think I was just having a bad night when everything for the last few weeks was just coming to a head and sex life, or lack of (desire to have sex), has been an issue in my head for a while.
It's been two years (or close to) since my son was born so I can't put it down to hormones or breast feeding. I just don't feel like it. Its not that we've not had sex at all. We started back on the saddle three weeks after baby (c-section) and I was roaring and ready to go. Its not even that we don't have sex. It's just that I know I am doing it simply because I'd like to keep my husband happy too. I've been on and off for months. And I'd rather an early nights sleep.
I am lucky that my husband is the best and is totally understanding. I just worry that one day, when it's been a few weeks since we've done it, that he'll look elsewhere for it. And he thinks the same for me, that I might do it, despite the fact that its ME who has no desire. We have discussed it so we're both on the same page about it too.
It's just so hard isn't it? To balance everything once baby is born. There should be classes in school on how to juggle not only with both hands, but both feet too. I also have no family close by (25 hour drive is good and bad) so date night is a pipe dream.
And thank you to the last comment as well. I am all animal :)
Sat, 2008-11-22 01:07
double posted
Sat, 2008-11-22 01:07
@Alexis
"It's like I've forgotten that part of my life and I don't miss it other than thinking that I should."
I could have written your comment. I don't even know where to begin, to improve our sex life. Even worse, is that my sex drive was in overdrive when I was pregnant, and I mean OVERDRIVE. (Except that my husband was of the "I'm scared it will hurt the baby" mindset, so it just didn't happen. Talk about opposite ends if the scale!) We had a comfortable sex life before baby, and I'm wondering when it will recover. We don't talk about it. It's the elephant in the room. I don't think either of us knows where to start, so we don't. It makes me sad.
Thu, 2008-11-20 13:58
Thank you so much for this episode!!!
I had my 2nd baby in August and my sex drive has gone AWOL. I don't know where it went and I don't know when it will come back. It didn't exactly leave me a note or anything. Last night hubby just made a comment that we've had sex ONCE in the past 6 months, maybe more. Sex during the last trimester wasn't exactly comfortable, much less comfortable after the baby.
Heather, thank you so much for the no sex after 7 months comment. It is SUCH A RELIEF to know that I am not alone. I am just not interested in it right now and hubby doesn't seem to understand that. I don't know if its the hormones or if I'm going through depression. Sex is just the last thing on my mind right now. We do play around, I try to make him happy, but what I'm doing isn't enough apparently.
So I have to ask, how did you hubbies deal with the lack of interest/desire in sex? How did you overcome that as a couple?
Thu, 2008-11-20 10:18
I never regain my sex life after having my 2nd child and she just turned 5. My husband and I stopped having sex when we found out we were pregnant. Then I was too upset with my husband for not helping me take care of them to even think about him in a pleasant way. So not having sex was not an issue then, but we've not have sex since January 2003!!! He had problems with ED before we got pregnant and now blames it on the ED and being too afraid to to even want to try. Who knows. I'm just too tired to really care but I do miss hugs and kisses and TLC.
Wed, 2008-11-19 03:01