December 12, 2008
In the grand tradition of Whitney Houston, Alice Bradley of Finslippy asks, How will I know... when to have another baby? Today on Momversation, our panelists (including our newest addition Dana Loesch) weigh in on the complex issue. So, how can you tell when it's time to add to your family? Can you ever really be sure? And are kids missing out by being an only child? Join the Momversation by commenting below or in one of our related forums:
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72 Comments
Lomwefgbnbv
Wed, 2010-03-03 17:44
I myself grew up as an only child. Parents were divorced and through remarriage I had acquired stepsiblings when I was 8, but the living situation wasn't ideal for either me or them and I ended up back with my mom in the end. Frankly, when I was growing up, I always wanted siblings. After the situation I had with my father, and just some growing up - I was pretty at peace with being an only child around 14 or 15 years old - I actually thanked her for not HAVING anymore after me. My mom and I were really close, best friends, I'd venture to say. As an adult, I now have 1 child and hope to have two. Not really having anything to do with my own past experience, just because I always felt that 2 was the right number. But I'm also taking the time to enjoy my first before having my second (probably won't have a second until my first is 3 1/2 or 4).
Sat, 2009-08-08 16:58
I’ve always asked myself this before conceiving each of my three daughters (O.K. TWO of my daughter’s – one of them was a “ blessing from God” at an inopportune time).
“Should I Get PREGNANT Again?”
rather than
“Should I Bring Another Human Being Into This World”.
My three girls are 11, 3 and 1. We’d probably be seriously considering one more if we didn’t have a preteen. You think you’re good at raising kids, and then your child reaches the age when they physically are unable from restraining themselves from rolling their eyes.
It’s SOOOO humbling.
The little girl that used to crawl into my lap and snuggle! And I think to myself when I look at my still remaining little snugglers in my lap: “you’re going to turn on me one day too, even hate me maybe, and the more of you I give life to the more of you to roll your eyes at me and say things like “you suck”.
Its SUCH a baby mood killer!
I think God meant for us to have one right after the other.
I mean you’re totally sleep deprived and unable to put together a matching outfit for yourself, let alone decide if you want to bring another human being into this world that will forever be attached to you by body and soul. Also, you’ve now gone through a pregnancy and done maybe a little breastfeeding and let’s face it your tolerance to alcohol is a little less than your pre-elastic waistband days. Remember, some babies are conceived in hazier moments. I’m just saying that’s what I’ve heard from some of my girlfriends.
However, after the birth of my second daughter, Ben and I went out for dinner with another couple who’d happen to have three daughters too. My girlfriend Chris asked me when the guys were off getting drinks if we thought we’d have another, and we did, and I told her.
She said to me, “Knowing you want another baby is like knowing you have a pebble in your shoe. It’s always there, kind of nudging at you. The way thinking about another baby nudges at your heart”.
She was so right.
I felt it.
I still do.
www.BuenoBaby.com
Fri, 2009-08-07 13:45
It took 2 years of infertility treatments to conceive my twins, and even though the cost financially and emotionally was extensive, I wouldn't trade either of them for the world. They are perfect in every way, and for that reason I don't understand why I am suddenly finding myself longing for another.
My husband and I CANNOT make a decision. I am literally losing sleep over it. I have all the fears and concerns that others have listed-- the cost, the loss of time, the potential insanity-- and that's not to mention the need to revisit the world of infertility. I am just not sure I am up for it. At the same time though, I love my kids dearly and fear that I will look back with regret if we don't try. How does one make this decision, and will the uncertainty EVER go away?
It's certainly comforting to know that I am not alone. My husband was starting to convince me I am crazy. I feel for him having to put up with my indecisiveness. I can barely tolerate it myself these days.
Fri, 2009-08-07 12:56
I am a Mom of an only child... an eight-year-old boy. My hubby and I didn't start off with the intention of having just one. We tried for years to add to our family, but were unsuccessful. After undergoing a series of medical tests, it was suggested that we undergo fertility treatments. Something in me was unwilling to take that step. I prefer to leave it in the hands of the big man upstairs. My husband and I are not actively trying for another baby, we just don't do anything to prevent it. Knowing my luck, I will probably end up pregnant again when my son is 18 and heading off to college.
I really don't have any regrets about only having one child. My son is so wonderful, I truly have much to be thankful for. My only concern is when my hubby and I get old. My poor boy will be forced to make all of the hard decisions and even deal with our deaths all by himself. That makes me sad. Hopefully he will marry into a wonderful family that loves him and treats him like one of their own.
Thu, 2009-08-06 14:09
I am an only child and also I grew up wishing so bad that I had a sibling, still to this day, I wish I had a sibling (So that my mom had someone else to bother! LOL). I have a cousin that is like my sister and I'm so grateful to have her. So when I got pregnant with my first child I wanted to have a boy, I always had this feeling of wanting a boy, then when it turned out a girl I found myself being so grateful for her being a girl! My husband wanted to try for a second one right away and I said: I'm SOOOOOO Tired!!! There's no way I can handle 2 babies!!! Then when my baby was 3 I told my husband that I wanted another one. Then he said that he didn't want any more. But my oldest daughter kept asking for a sister, and a baby and she wanted a sibling soooo bed, she did not stop asking about it!!!! So when my oldest one was 4 my husband said, ok, now I think I want another one as well (maybe it was jealousy because at the same time 2 of his sisters and the girlfriend of his brother was also pregnant) So we did.
At first I wanted a boy, again! Because I didn't want my daughter to feel jealous of another girl, and wanted to avoid the competition thinking that if they where different sexes they wouldn't feel the need to compete, however my daughter prayed and prayed for a girl! She wanted a girl sooooo bad that I became afraid of having a boy, and I prayed myself for a girl. And so we did, have a girl! And yes they do fight and compete for stuff. But they are both so different and I love them both sooo much, I can't imagine not having them. But then my husband started to ask for the boy, and even my oldest daughter asked for a boy, but to tell you the truth, I don't think I want a boy anymore.
I honestly feel complete with my 2 girls, and I don't feel the least bit the desire to have more babies.
I don't think I would be happy with more kids than I already have. I think when the decision comes to have another baby or not, I think you should go with your gut feeling. Do you want another child?
I think most of us can tell deep down inside if we are willing to put up with sleepless nights and dirty diapers and strollers and all that stuff. I don't even get nostalgic when I'm around babies anymore, I like Big kids better. How do you feel?
Mon, 2009-08-03 12:03
When Jake was younger, I got that question ALL the time. People would tell me that I was depriving him, that I was selfish, or tell me horror stories about the parents of onlies they know whose child DIED.
Having another didn't fit with our situation. I married at 21 and not only became a step mom to a teenager, but foster mom, to 4 teenagers. My Hubs ran a government contracted therapeutic group home for the first 10 years of our marriage. Plus Jake, that was 6 kids-AND I worked in elementary schools.
At first I wanted another, but as Jake grew I realized that maybe I didn't. As time went on and we discovered that our genes aren't the greatest combination (Jake has dyspraxia, learning disabilities, sensory sensitivities, asthma, allergies, AND is gifted) that it just wouldn't be fair to create another kid. Everyone says, "Oh, but he/she will be different" or "you just never know" but honestly? I just CAN'T do that again. Even now that I know what we're dealing with, I just don't want to go back and have to advocate with schools and fight for yet another child. I'm all fought out.
One works for us. It works for Jake. The funny thing is that once I totally accepted that, it came out that geez-I have serious difficulty getting pregnant anyway. Maybe that just spared me the heartache of infertility.
Mon, 2009-08-03 10:39
My husband and I were both only children. He loved it; I hated it. So we decided we would have two. But when that second pink line showed up on the stick, I had a mini-panic attack. What have we done?? I stayed nervous my entire pregnancy. After our second girl was born, I felt we had made a huge mistake. I had PPD with our first, but it turns out that it was nothing like what I experienced with the second. (Three months later and I'm finally feeling better. ) We were sleep deprived, changing diapers left and right, and basically feeling like we were ignoring our older daughter. Heavy emotions. Heavy guilt.
Now, three months later, the baby is sleeping through the night, we are getting used to buckling/unbuckling two kids wherever we go, and our oldest girl is in love with her baby sister. We can't imagine our family without her. I've always heard people say that the most difficult times yield the most valuable things in life. They must have all had kids, because I can't think of anything more precious or valuable.
Mon, 2009-08-03 05:38
I sit here reading these posts in the UK with tears streaming down my face (just as well my husband is away:-)).
We had our son 7 years ago - easy pregnancy,no worries. Early years were a bit fraught but I cared for my son so much I couldn't image having another one. Fast forward to 5 years later and we had just about got around to thinking of having another one. But another 3 years and 3 miscarriages later and I dispair of ever having another child. Next year I'm 40 and told that the miscarriages are"just one of those things" related to age, so I can't see it happening. I've tried to write down all the positives of an only child, such as the better income,sleep,holidays,time for your child etc, but i still end up in tears each time.
I feel so selfish when i think of those people who never even manage to conceive one child, but i worry that my constant thinking about "if we have another one" is making me miss out on my current family. I don't know how to get out of this negative spiral.
Tue, 2009-07-28 14:12
This is crazy, when I look back on it, but five and a half years ago, as I was recovering from an emergency c-section when my son was born three and a half weeks early, the nurse in the recovery room was making small talk with me that turned into a lecture on how I can't let this be my only child. Mind you, I had set eyes on him once and had not even held him yet. She went on and on about how it's wrong to only have one child and I would be depriving him of so much.
Nevermind the cost. Nevermind she knew not one thing about how difficult it may have been for use to get pregnant. (It wasn't, actually; my husband just got his vasectomy reversed, and poof! we were pregnant shortly thereafter.) Nevermind that my husband already had four children from previous relationships (including one who came to live with us from another country for four years - ages 14 to 18 - but she's another story entirely). Nevermind that I was already 33 and my husband 47.
I recently had to go off the pill when we discovered that the entire year or so that I was on it while also being treated for hypertension increased my risk of heart attack and stroke a thousandfold. As I've been working on what method of birth control to use (or whether one or both of us gets permanently sterilized), I had a period come four days late -- very unusual for me -- and, while we have both (at 38 and 52) long since decided we're not having any more children, I found out how my husband really felt. The morning I told him I had not gotten my period yet (got it later that day of course), he spent the entire rest of the day feeling sick to his stomach at the idea of possibly having a child who would be graduating high school with a 71 year-old father.
My father died a week and a half before his 71st birthday and this made me think of two things: how sad for a child to not even be in college yet and potentially have just lost a parent; and what happens to my only child when his parents (us) die and he's all alone? I know that we cannot afford another child, we don't want to go through it all again at our ages, it's risky with me being 38 with hypertension and high cholesterol, and the recovery from that c-section went pretty horribly, actually. I don't want my son to be alone, but I also know that the four half-siblings he does have (he only knows about one of them, actually) are no help to him. My sister and I, ten years apart and the oldest and youngest of four children in our family, are close. The two brothers in between us, not so much. But I already don't have family living close to me (we're in California, one brother is in Oregon, other two siblings are in New Jersey where we grew up), and I feel bad enough that my son is growing up hardly ever seeing his extended family. (My husband is from another country, and both his parents are deceased.)
So we will not be having any more children. It's just not a good idea. People have finally stopped asking me when we'll have another. (That really bothered me too. We lucked out with the perfect first child; why tempt fate creating his polar opposite?) Sometimes I feel robbed of the opportunity by the fact that my husband and I met later in life and decided to have a few "us" years even before having our son, but that is the situation we were given in life. If anyone judges me for having an "only child," I will remind them that not only did I spend four years trying to help raise someone else's kid (which turned out to be a nightmare), but that they don't pay my bills or run my household, so they can go scratch.
Tue, 2009-07-21 01:11
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Fri, 2009-04-17 16:29
I am one of 5 children. My mom had us all 3 years apart and I am the middle child. To be honest, as a child, I always wished that my family was a lot smaller. My siblings and I are all very different from each other. Yes, we played with each other, but there was more rivalry than anything. We all much rather had played with our friends than anything (as we actually had a choice to have them in our life) and hated having a young one tag along by force. My mother did not have enough time for us as individuals EVER! The oldest child was always burdened by playing little miss mom and having to grow up too fast. Money was always tight and when one child got something - it caused jealousy. Not to mention, it forced my mother to stay in a very unhappy marriage because she knew she could not afford us all on her own.
Now at age 28, I am a mother to a beautiful baby girl. She is 7 months and is a complete joy and handful at the same time. Although my husband wants a 2nd child, this is my body, and I am the primary caretaker. I want to give her individual attention, financial security (including help w/ college), and a loving home that is not filled with chaos and stress like I didn't have growing up. And god forbid, but if things don't work out with my husband, I know I could do it on my own!
Fri, 2009-02-13 19:01
I'm 38 years old now w/16y daughter, nearly 15y son. Felt like I was positively done @ 28 when divorcing their father. That feeling never left me... until it began to waiver last year when my longtime friendship became romantic with the one in my life. We're getting married in the fall. He brings to our family gathering a 17y foster son who's been w/him for nearly 8 years, and a 1yr daughter (unexpected but cherished deeply) from a brief relationship. On one hand we've got 3 teens near fledging, on the other - we'll have a little one. I've had plans to go back to grad school, travel more, enjoy more independence at this time in life. Now, I'm not sure at all.
I think I must be nuts. I think I'm selfish either way.
I am totally in that 50/50 spot mentioned here. I can see life proceeding as we've got it - with more time and resources for the 4 kids collectively - and holding out for grandkids in a decade or so. And I can see us embracing another baby - because we both feel younger than the calendar says, because he's an excellent dad who's just nuts about kids but has been on a non-traditional timeline, and because I'm so in love with him that I want share everything in our life together. He swears that he's fine either way. But in recent months, just when I think I'm coming to a conclusion, I swing back. And it's swinging both ways. I do feel that time is an issue. I may have difficulty physically now if we try. I'm concerned about how my body will holdup. I'm concerned that I'll always have regret if we don't try. But I've also been really looking forward to moving on from a parenting time in life.
When I ask friends - I've not found folks w/this kind of age spread between kids that chose to have that later child, ... they are stories of oops babies.
I'm asking myself if is it about recognizing one's limits? Or one's unimagined potential? I'm checking my motives too. Is it about trying to capture an ideal? Is this God or my gut guiding me? Or my fairytale?
Mon, 2009-02-02 22:04
I always wanted four kids pre-kids. When my first was born, I thought okay, lone is enough lol... guess what? I have 3 kids now, all were ooopsies! Moral of the story... use birth control!
Fri, 2009-01-30 19:09
This Momversation inspired me to sign up and post! Woohoo!
I have a younger brother - nearly exactly 5.5 years younger. My parents said they did that specifically so that I would be more independent and not need them quite as much as a young toddler would when they had another baby.
However, that age difference nearly KILLED my brother and me. We are the living truthful embodiment of "two separate only children." If you met us you'd wonder which of us was adopted because there's no way two such completely different people could have grown up in the same household influenced by the same parents. We had physical pitched battles, I desperately resented not being able to join clubs and the like at school because I had to be home to take care of him, he hated me for not including him in things I was doing even though they were things for my age group, not his.
Flash forward to my own child. Caroline is the 7-year old light of my life and the most awesome kid I could imagine spending a great amount of time with. But I told my husband from the beginning that I had no strong feelings one way or the other about how many children to have, other than that I didn't want more kids than we had bedrooms because I think everyone deserves to have their own space. If he only wanted one, that was fine with me, if he wanted two I was okay with that as well. But just when we reached the point when I was ready to consider another child (healing takes a while, in ALL senses), my husband discovered some potentially very serious heart problems for himself that make it very likely he will not live to his 90s; he might be lucky to make it to 50. And he announced that he thought one child was it for us because the idea of not seeing another child grow up killed him, and that if something happened to him unexpectedly, while I had done an admirable job of parenting one child why make my job harder than necessary by raising two children while grieving a husband? He wanted to be able to do the very best he could in all senses for the one child we already had, and I had to respect that. Caroline sometimes says she is lonely (although I think that is mainly the childhood ideal of having a playdate ALL.THE.TIME.) but I hope that we are continuing to develop the skills that make her a great person whether she has a brother or sister or not. She does rather like the idea that all her friends of jealous of her.... :heeheehee:
Mon, 2009-01-19 13:32
I cannot be unbiased. I have five children and would love to have more. I know, it may sound crazy but that's what my gut tells me so....
at least my husband has some collateral benefit from my impending desire to have more kids :)
Each person has their own specific number that works well for them
Sun, 2009-01-11 21:59
I guess no one here has twins! I had my first kids in my 40's, twin boys - I can't even imagine what it's like to have just one. Having two at once kind of made the decision for me, and my family is complete.
But in your case, weighing the pros and cons of having another baby, in the end I can't imagine that you'd regret it. Yes, it's more work, more chaos, more expensive, more balancing between two kids - but it's another soul in your life, and in the world, to love.
And for goodness sake, you're only 40! Women way older than you are still having babies, and it works out fine.
Sat, 2009-01-10 18:23
what I'm amazed by is that none of you mentioned the logistics. being X old and going through all that sleeplessness again -- while entertaining a toddler! how much worse your body recovers.
separately, for somebody whose first kid is already in school, a second kid now isn't going to prevent "lonely only child" syndrome -- they're so far apart that they'd essentially be two "only" kids. sure, they could still be friends much later, when age differences aren't so big, but when's that -- 35? when they'll be living 3000 miles apart?
I think the biggest temptation for me has been how neat the first kid is, and how fun it would be to watch another persona unfold. but what if the next one is collicky? or the first one becomes a raving jealous monster? none of the outcomes are predictable, so I guess I think there's a lot of wisdom in the view that you should be pretty sure before proceeding . . .
just some more grist for the mill.
(p.s.) I'm an only child and it never bothered me in the least. kids adapt to the circumstances they find themselves in...
Fri, 2009-01-09 09:22
I have never registered on any such site, but we are asking ourselves whether we are to have 2 or not.
Many of you have mentioned that having two kids ages 6 or so years apart is like raising two only children. I think that is a good thing in many ways. I have a friend who is 9 years younger than her sister (only 2 in the family) and they are SUPER close, even when the younger one (my friend) was in high school. I have another friend who is 6 years older than her sister (also the only 2 kids in the family) and while they bickered growing up (does that sound like two only kids?) they are SUPER close now. It didn't take them to be in their mid thirties to be this close. . . My point is, having two kids far apart is nice because they will have each other, and can be close, but they have the benefits of being kind of like only children.
I have a half sister who I never lived with. We don't talk often but are still fairly close. I was raised by a single parent (the other parent remarried and had my sister). I enjoyed being an only most of the time because there were kids in my neighborhood - I had the best of both worlds. . . that said, when the parent who raised me died, it was very difficult (and still is). I do not want my son to be alone in his memories, or to feel he will have the responsibility of taking care of me someday by himself.
BUT: just because you have kids close in age, they may not get along. Likewise with kids far apart in age. An adult with siblings may still have to take on the responsibility of taking care of a parent in old age, etc. - I know of several friends whose parents have siblings who aren't doing jack to help take care of elder parents.
It all boils down to how you raise your family, if/how you instill a sense of closeness and shared responsibility, etc. And even then, your kids may not turn out to have the relationships you've dreamed of. . . .
We decided to try for a second child (our son will be 5 soon). We lost that baby this fall, and have started to try again, but we aren't trying *too* hard. . .like another blogger said, if there is another child for us, it will come to us. . .
Thanks for everyone's thoughts, and I look forward to reading more on this topic!
Sat, 2009-01-10 17:27
This is a subject my husband and I have been discussing recently. We have a son, almost 2.5 years old, and have been grappling with the idea of adding a sibling for him.
There are several issues we have to consider, as everyone does, but not everyone has the history we had with pregnancy.
Long story short, my friends have given me the award for worst pregnancy ever - at least amongst the people we know. I spent 6 months on a sofa on modified bedrest, received 3 shots of insulin a day, had to test my blood 3 times a day and, at the very end, had a semi-failed induction that turned into a "scheduled" (if you call 30 minutes warning scheduled) c-section. Please note - none of the issues with my pregnancy were the pregnancy, they were all my body rejecting being pregnant.
Yes, in the end all of that pain was worth it. Even the long-term damage to my health was worth having this wonderful, active, healthy boy was worth the 6 months of isolation, the forced time off from work (forced as in my work didn't want to accommodate my new disability until they realized that my job does not require my body to be anywhere in particular) and the long time it is taking for me to recover.
Until recently I was adamant - 1 was enough. Then a close friend became pregnant with her third. Then my doctor, who until October was nixing the idea all together, suddenly says "If you plan on having another child you should probably get pregnant in the next six months." Hunh? Now my entire imagined world was tipping upside down and sideways. A decision had to be made and made quickly.
My husband and I spoke with a few of my now many doctors (I told you my health is not what it used to be - I used to have 1 doctor, now I have about 4-5) and after being told that my next pregnancy would most probably include 9 months modified bedrest, up to 7 shots of different medications a day and severe risks to my health, but is totally doable - I decided that I would rather be around for my son's graduation/wedding/other important life events than force the issue of a biological child.
So, now the next question...what about adoption? And if we do adopt, where would we go?
To our benefit, my husband works for a company that offers adoption assistance so the cost factor, while there, is not as big as it could be. But there is still that question...and its a big one.
So, how do you know if you are ready? And if we adopt, how do we blend a family of bio and adopted? Or, do we count our blessings and concentrate on our one, wonderful little boy?
Those are our questions - no answers yet, but the clock is ticking. We are in our late 30s and there are some age limitations on adoption so time is not on our side.
Of course, right after a holiday full of illnesses brought home from preschool is probably not the best time to ask those questions...but illnesses tend to go away, right? ;-)
Mon, 2008-12-29 15:00
short and sweet, two reasons why you should add another child to the family. one, when you see both or all of your children interact it makes every bleary eyed night worth it. two, you are clearly a very good person who will raise a very good person and the world needs all the good persons we can get.
Mon, 2008-12-29 08:32
Another only child aka the other side of the story...
I never wanted siblings. My friends had them and it seemed like a huge hassle. They fought and complained about one another all the time, which seemed pretty awful to me.
My mother was the oldest of 8 and resented the responsibility she had to shoulder because of it, so, in spite of how close she and her siblings can be (there is normal familial strife), it didn't appeal to me.
The most important point that I would like to make is that I was never lonely. I read voraciously, developed a great imagination and sense of independence and appreciated that I didn't have to share my stuff. Sure, the sharing thing plays right into the stereotypical selfish label, but I didn't grow up to be a selfish person. I had two fantastic parents who taught me empathy and selflessness in ways that have served me very well as an adult, but didn't compromise my childhood Barbi collection.
I'm not saying that anyone should stop at one. I just want to make sure than those who are on the fence understand that we, the onlies, aren't all distant, self-absorbed weirdos.
Sun, 2008-12-21 22:20
Hi I'm 34 and have two a 4 and 2 year old. I 'm sure I want another, but like alot of you I'm exhausted most of the time. Then I have my in laws that don't want me to have another one....for different reasons of course. My mother in law doesn't say why she just says " You better not have another one" Don't get me wrong I love my mother in law, but with that being said I get very angry. My sister in law lives with us, and has for 2 yrs. When we talk about having another baby she says she can't handle me being pregnant again....LOL!!! I was very mean with my baby, but only to most people....:-) I'm not a mean person, but I coulndn't stand anyone. I really loved being pregnant, and I want to be at least one more time. I didn't have the joy of carring my oldest, she's adopted. We've raised her from day 1, and to US she is the world.
Sat, 2008-12-20 11:19
See if you can get through an episode of Baby Story without bawling, then you'll know.
I already had three, and even though my head said NO, my heart said YES.
Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. -Goethe
Fri, 2008-12-19 21:58
I am a single mom to 2 girls- Abigail (bio, age 6) and Anna, (adopted from Ethiopia, age 20 months.) My decision to add a child to my family, especially as a single mom, was not easy. But it was right.
And when my brother and my sister welcomed Anna into the USA and into our family, I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was now the momma of the two most loved little girls around.
The greatest gift my parents gave me was the gift of my siblings. And now my girls will get to experience all of the love, joy, anger, frustration, laughter, solidarity and comfort that you can only get when you share your life with a sibling.
Adding a child to the family is not something that should be taken lightly, but ultimately, I would suggest that parenting is never about what is right for you as an individual or what makes you feel good as a parent; instead, it is about doing what is right for your child and your family. No one can decide that except you.
Fri, 2008-12-19 19:31
Hi everybody,
I just had to comment. I came from a family of 7 where I was the oldest girl/slave/little-mommy. There were simply not enough emotional resources to go around. My mom refused birth control for religious reasons and my dad had his head in the sand. So there's definitely something to be said for contemplating what you can handle.
However... Ever since I was a little girl I just KNEW I would have three babies. Then came the horror years where I was into drugs and had three abortions. I wondered if I had destroyed my babies...
Then I married and had two boys back to back without any thought or foresight, divorced, married again, immediately and without planning had a baby girl, divorced again and now, NOW, I can say that my kids are the very best part of my life. We've all grown up together, and they are totally great human beings. Somehow everything has worked out beautifully.
What I'm trying to say is that nothing works out like you think it will, fear just holds you back, and I personally think that if you're thinking this much about another baby you should just take yourself off birth control and see what happens. You might not even get pregnant and if you do it could be the best thing that ever happened and you just can't plan that. I'm 51 now, my kids are all responsible adults, I have more freedom and autonomy than I ever imagined that I would. Life can be really grand. Try not to think so much!
Love you!
Fri, 2008-12-19 18:56
I think this is a very difficult subject...very individualized. I struggle with this everyday for so many reasons. Unfortunately, all the pros and cons seem to even eachother out.
I'm 24, have been married 5.5 years, and I have a 3-year-old son. I had the "perfect" pregnancy and the "perfect" labor & delivery...now I have the perfect son. He's everything either of us has ever wanted, and yet...
My husband is 100% sure that he doesn't want anymore. He says himself that he is very selfish with me, and he already feels like he doesn't have as much time and attention from me that he wants. He is the youngest of 3 and I am the oldest of 5. My biggest issues are that I am not sure if I could love another child as much as my son now, but on the other side of that there are all the stigmas that go along with being an only child...especially one so adored. I worry that we are making a mistake not having anymore, but I also am not sure that I really want another one...I still am trying to decipher if that's because of the way my husband feels or not. I also have several other members of my family that are having children, and it causes strife because everyone wants to know why we aren't having more.
I don't want to cause conflict in my marriage, but I almost feel like it's a mistake not to have one more. I know that having siblings has made both of us who we are. On the other side of that though, my Dad was an only child and he is one of the most wonderful, unselfish men I know.
This is such a difficult decision, and I am glad to see that I am not the only one who has a little more doubt in the deliberation process. Thanks to all for sharing your stories. It is very encouraging.
Fri, 2008-12-19 17:22
My husband and I have been on the fence about having a third child. I have just about everything I can on the subject and I have talked to multiple people about their families. I even wrote a pro and con list. The con's far outweighed the pro's, but still I felt unsure.
Finally my husband said something that made it click, we are done. If we were to have a third it would take away from our first two daughters. Yes, we would love this new child, but our other children would have less. Less money for them, less time for them, less patience with them. I know that there are families who can have lots of children and keep it all together, but I don't think we're one of those families. It gets to be choas around here just with two, I think three would take us over the edge. And so without any hesitation or regret I say that we are done.
I think if you are unsure what to do, write down a list, search your heart, and really listen to what it says. Are you leaning more toward another, or against one? If it's 50/50 give it more time and eventually you'll find it isn't 50/50 anymore. And then you'll have your answer.
Wed, 2008-12-17 12:51
Thanks for your comment in response to my remarks and questions regarding a third child. I agree about the less to go around, meaning less for the two children we already have. I have thought about that, yet there is something that still tugs at me that we can make it work and that another sibling might mean more in the long run to our two children than anything else we could do for them with money. Although, that is said with a lot of emotion. When I think logically and take emotion off the table, i know that we would have to purchase a bigger vehicle, that we would have to make some changes in our house to accomodate another person, and there would be less time individually with each of our children. I think i will take your advice and give it more time and wait until there is one side that wins out in both mine and my husband's heart and mind. Right now I think i'm over the 50/50 hump to choosing to have a third, but I want to make sure my husband is leaning in that same direction. I just keep waiting for "the answer" to hit me on the head so i can stop mulling over it....
Thu, 2008-12-18 13:38
I always thought that I would have a huge family. My husband and I were on the same page. Then I had The Pregnancy From Hell that resulted in my son being born at 31 weeks. Then came the 2.5 years of infertility and miscarriage and then, finally, our daughter.
I don't know if I'm just resigned to the idea of having only 2 biological kids or not, but I feel like our family is complete as far as children that are birthed from my body. We've always wanted to adopt, and it feels like we're being pulled in that direction.
Wed, 2008-12-17 08:40