Should You Tell Your Kids About Past Drug Use?

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Fri, 2009-04-17 17:31

The discussion and usage of drugs and alcohol in front of children or to children is always a heated debate. I, for one, have had this conversation several times with my partner, who has never touched any drug, and has never consumed alcohol. We are raising a 5-year-old together, so we clearly haven't had this discussion with him yet, but I definitely plan on being honest and open about my experiences with both and also the power of choice.

We are not religious and I certainly am not a mother who avoids all alcohol (which is considered a drug by many) just because I am a parent. I typically have a glass of wine at dinner almost every night in front of our son and I personally don't see any problem with it. I never get drunk and he has never witnessed me behave differently as a result of drinking wine. For right now, I am pretty sure he looks at wine as just another beverage that only adults drink, but when he becomes aware that it is, in fact, alcohol, I will share with him how it's made and what too much of it can do. I think it is important that children of parents who do drink, are able to witness their parents making good decisions, drinking in moderation, and all in all, being responsible and aware of the consequences in a variety of contexts.

Now, because I was never one to do drugs, with the exception of the occasional joint shared when I was in college, I do have stricter policies over substances that I feel have a more direct hit on the brain and the overall chemical process, including pot and some hard liquor, and of course, a wide assortment of harder stuff.

I admit, I am good friends with Mr. Martini, but have never consumed one in front of our son. Since I really don't enjoy pot, I have no desire to ever do it again, but some parents do have the same view of pot as I do of wine. So, where do we draw our limits if we choose to not have a completely drug-free home? Am I being an inconsistent parent because I choose to drink wine, but when the day comes of having to explain it, I am going to say "wine is okay, but pot and other drugs aren't?" When, essentially, they are all altering the brain, it's just our perception of that alteration and how we respond to it, making it the case for our argument. Is that fair?

Wed, 2009-02-11 11:28

I don't have a problem with talking to Jake about alcohol/drugs at all. I've never done drugs, smoked, or been drunk so I don't have that 'fear' of him finding out things that may have done. Hey, I'm an open book. Ask away.

Jake and I have a lot of conversations about why people drink/do drugs, and he knows my philosophy, plus why I've never chosen to partake myself. I view alcohol as simply another drink, albeit an expensive one, that has unpleasant side effects. Alcohol isn't something that is viewed as "fun enhancement" in our house. In fact, I'd much rather have a good cup of coffee. Alcohol is used in our house to cook with, and occasionally I've had a glass of wine if I've opened a bottle to make a stew or something, but that is it.

What's worse, and something that I have seen, is parents lecture and then act like fools in the presence of alcohol as if it's the be all and end all to have fun. To me that is more hypocritical then setting a limit for your teen.

I am not naive enough to think that Jake will never try it as a teen, and so we make sure he knows up front what the consequences may be. It's an ongoing conversation in our home, as I also work at his high school and know what's going on with the kids there. Many times, we discuss issues like kids showing up at a dance, etc and drinking.

I don't believe it's hypocritical for me to sip that glass of wine and tell Jake he can't legally drink until he's 19 (legal limit in Canada). I'm 37. He's 13. It's the law. Period.

And then again, when he turns 19, I'll take him out to the pub to celebrate if he wants.

Sat, 2009-02-07 20:29

My "kids" are 19 and 23 years old so I think I can relate pretty well to this topic. My husband and I have always been very casual drinkers, sometimes going for long stretches without any alcohol. When the oldest was about 10, we were sitting in a restaurant having a glass of wine with our meal and it suddenly occurred to me that before long we would be talking to him about drinking and driving. We did not want to be big hypocrites, so right there we decided that we would never drive again after consuming alcohol - not even one drink. We take turns being the designated driver if we are out and drinking is involved. We also have made it very clear to both of them that they can call us anytime for a ride home and we will not judge them. My son has called me to drive him home when he had too much to drink. I thanked him for doing so. We have tried to be very open with the kids about all kinds of sensitive topics and it seems to have worked well. They both say that they feel comfortable talking about pretty much anything with us. The interesting thing is they haven't really asked much about my or my husbands past experiences with this type of thing. They seem to want to hold on to certain images of Mom and Dad and really do not want to tarnish that.

We've been really fortunate with both kids. Neither one is really the big partying type, but they also know how to have fun and do it responsibly. I think as parents you can have a big influence on this issue, but I have also found that an even bigger influence is who their friends are. Peer pressure is a huge issue. Has there been a momversation on that topic?

Sat, 2009-02-07 09:00

I'm not sure how it's hypocrisy to say "I did drugs. It was a mistake. These are the things I learned". So yes, Erin will know that I did, she will also know why, as an adult I don't drink or take drugs and why I think it's important that she wait until she's able to process the consequences of her decisions before she makes them.

For my money I think it's important that she understand that mama's a *person* who did make mistakes and that, even though she did some stupid things, she came through it okay. So that when she does make mistakes she'll know it's not the end of the world. The biggest thing I want her to know is that I don't expect her to be perfect, in fact I expect the opposite. She may grow up to be a smart young woman, but even the smartest of us make mistakes and she needs to know that when she does she can come to me for help.

Fri, 2009-02-06 13:54

Raising two children in Los Angeles I think about this a lot. I was a dabbler (ahem) in many (non-kosher) substances up until I found out I was pregnant at 23. There's a probable chance I would still be partying now if pregnancy didn't change my life(style) then. For me? There's a HUGE difference between smoking weed and dropping E every weekend and I absolutely will talk openly and candidly with my kids about drugs, my drug and alcohol use, the ups and downs of those experiences as well as the friends I lost TO drugs and alcohol, including one of my best friends who OD'd on heroin... (a pill addiction turned coke addiction turned heroin addiction.) I'm 99% sure my kids WILL experiment with drugs and alcohol because I live in the real world. For me, its not a question of whether but what...

I'm a firm believer that "honesty isn't always the best policy" but I will talk to my children about drugs and alcohol the same way I will talk to them about sex because in a way, they're not so different from one another, especially for teenagers. A temporary high will ALWAYS be outlasted by the low that follows... the walk of shame of sorts...

In fact, whatever my kids want to know? I'll tell them. It's either that or they will read it somewhere anyway.

I also think its important that my kids trust me enough to call me if they're too drunk to drive, etc... As parents it is our job to make firm rules but also to empathize with our kids when they break them.

I hid very little from my parents growing up because I trusted them not to judge me, even as I was being punished (weekly) for being naughty. I also was honest with them because they never lied to me about their past experiences... There was mutual respect there that really worked for me and for us. Interesting topic, ladies!

Fri, 2009-02-06 13:52

Thanks, Melissa, that explains a lot. Forewarned is forearmed.

Fri, 2009-02-06 12:56

My son is still very young so I have not had to really deal with this. But I do want to say something to the whole hypocrisy and double standard issue. That's not the same thing as learning from your mistakes and not wanting your children to make the same mistakes. Telling your kid not to abuse drugs and alcohol, and not to drink until they're 21 and then sipping a glass of chardonnay with dinner is not being a hypocrite. Telling them not to do it and then going out and being a party animal right now, today, now that is a hypocrite. But I doubt any of you are doing that. So cut yourself some slack.

Fri, 2009-02-06 09:35

mornin ladies... (((sips coffee with kahlua... ok, just kidding, it's only coffee))) i am waaaaay far from this conversation in that my son is only 9 months old. but i wanted to say that i remember taking note of how honest my mother was with me when i was a teenager. my dad took the whole "you do this and you'll really regret it" approach (and that worked reeeeaaaaal well.) my mom was just honest with me, saying things like "yup. your dad and i... premarital sex. it happens. here's how you be smart about it." or "drugs, nah... never really was my scene, but here's how you be smart about it."

for me, i wasn't a big partier.... i dabbled with peach schnapps at prom, and had too many screwdrivers on new years eve my junior year in highschool, but i've never done drugs, including pot. (i know, total loser.) i had friends who did, have friends who do.... but i've always kinda been afraid of it, not in a "oh gosh, i don't know what will happen to me if i do it. but afraid of LIKING it." :) and i think, like kierna mentioned, i knew it would be a temporary thing too, and i like that you said that kierna because i think it's something important to instill in kids.

i taught middle school english before my son was born, and i was amazed at how many 7th grade girls got busted for drugs and alcohol. maybe i was naive... i dunno. but the bottom line was that each time i took one of these girls to the principal's office, what i heard from them was that they were looking for a temporary void filler, like giyen mentioned.

i guess when it's my turn to have this conversation with our son.... years from now when i'll probably be a junkie.... i'll just remind him of how i titled my webpage "mybottlesup.com" and ask him what he thinks that means. :)

Fri, 2009-02-06 05:56