Talking Back: Is It OK for Kids?

Yes I let my kids talk back to strangers. My 1 1/2 year old son says STOP as soon as strangers start talking to him. It may seem rude (especially when they're usually saying how cute he is) but I don't tell him "be nice honey". The same goes with my daughter who is 3 years old. I have never corrected her for establishing her boundaries with anybody--even adults that I know.

Many times she has told my friends "DON'T TICKLE ME" nice and firm and loud and I do not tell her to 'be nice'. I hate to see when parents force their children to speak to strangers or give grandma a kiss when they don't want to. It sends the wrong message.

http://thespanglishmommy.blogspot.com/

Fri, 2009-11-06 04:33

I think this is a really interesting topic. My daughter is 3 and she says hi to everyone she sees, from the old man at the store to the goth kids hanging in the park. And very few people say hi back to her, which bugs me. I'd rather she be polite for the brief interactions she has. There is a difference between being polite and being a doormat. She has the right to say "I don't like this", but she shouldn't say it before they've even said 2 words to her. I think there is a fine line between being too protective of strangers and being too permissive. Someday my children will have to know how to interact with people they don't know. I don't think that having them tell someone to "stop" as soon as someone starts talking is the right way. We need to give the tools to assess the situation, not avoid it all together.

Fri, 2009-11-06 06:29

I was a little confused by this question. I never really thought NOT to let my daughter respond to strangers. Granted she's only 18 mos, but I think I would actually encourage her to reply to someone if they were addressing her (which doesn't seem will be an issue at this point). Don't get me wrong, I will ALSO discuss with her what is an inappropriate interraction and to tell Mommy or Daddy is something like that happens. I have to say... this one really got me thinking...

Fri, 2009-11-06 07:12

I'm with Karen on this one too. HELL NO is the answer! I am from a small town in West Texas, where everyone knows everybody else, and for some reason this makes me talk to 'strangers' all the time. As an adult. Honestly, saying out loud something that EVERYONE else is thinking about something that is going on around you, usually gets a laugh and/or a head nod. I live in Dallas now, and obviously don't know everyone around me, but even when I lived in New York, a random observation to a complete stranger on the platform waiting for the subway about the irate woman who just charged through screaming at her companion was never seen as 'strange.'

I also address kids I don't know when I am at the store/park/Target/etc. Not randomly, but, for instance, if a kid in the line in front of me at Target is staring and/or smiling, I smile back and engage them in conversation. I'm not scary looking, and most of the time the adult they are with encourage the interaction. This must be a factor of my geographic location, I think, as Karen lives in Houston and I know it's the same thing there. Yes, there are some crazy people out there, but for the most part, I think people are just trying to be friendly and nice, and we should all cut each other some slack.

I don't know, Texas is a very friendly place. It is considered rude here to ignore people that address you. At this point, my son is too shy to actually say anything back to an adult that addresses him, whether he knows them or not, and I usually have to prompt him to respond with 'thank you.' So talking back is not an issue. I guess I'm more addressing the 'talking to strangers' thing. Which I fully intend to address when my child gets older and is no longer in my immediate care and around other adults by himself. But my 2.5 year old toddler is not EVER to talk back to an adult, OR child for that matter, in a rude and aggressive manner. That is just not acceptable in my book.

Fri, 2009-11-06 08:40

I don't 'have' my son 'yell' at 'anyone' who tries to interact with him. He SAYS stop when strangers approach him and try to talk to him and this is something that he has started doing on his own which I allow. Both my kids are like that and even though I haven't asked them to do this, I approve of it.

I see a lot of value in young children being able to say NO and STOP when they don't feel comfortable in a situation. It's the first step in teaching them to be safe. All I'm saying is that I don't force them to speak to strangers when they don't want to. There are other ways to teach them to be polite.

Fri, 2009-11-06 08:44

My daughter is almost 10 years old... and from the time she could talk, I have taught her to voice her feelings about her personal space. If someone is in her personal space, for example: if another child hits her, bullies her, or is just plain annoying... I have taught her to voice her feelings. She has told people on numerous occasions "Please stop that, I don't like it". Or something similar. As she got older, she could more easily voice her feelings when she was in uncomfortable situations. Some adults have seen this as "talking back" and I have had to explain her actions to them. People don't expect children to be able to voice their feelings in uncomfortable situations and are often taken back when she does.

This doens't allow my daughter to talk back to any adult though. She isn't allowed to be sassy or rude to anyone. Stranger or not. But, if she is ever in a situation where she is uncomfortable or if she see's injustice... I have taught her to voice her feelings about it. I think it's important to teach empowering behavior.

Fri, 2009-11-06 10:13

My little one isn't quite old enough to "talk" back to strangers, but he will always be open to respectfully express his insecurity with strangers. It's a difficult thing to teach or condone MY toddler treating strangers in any way but friendly. Being a sociable person by nature, I couldn't very well preach curt comebacks to people showing an interest in him, his outfit, those eyelashes, what have you. Have I been "rude" to a stranger that made me feel uncomfortable in my son's presence? Absolutely. However I managed to do so in a civilized, respectable manner. In my opinion, that is the most proper way to convey sticking it to the stranger that leaves you uneasy. One of our goals in raising our children is that a much fuller, rewarding life comes to those who take the high road in unpleasant situations between friends, family or strangers. To never sink to a place of ugliness.

Fri, 2009-11-06 11:21

This topic makes me a bit sad, particularly some of the responses.

I think, based on comments, what we're dancing around is paedophila and harm to children. Stranger danger.

Yet, as parents, we're given the remit to help socialize our children, teach them to make friends and get on in life, teach them right from wrong, polite from rude.

My eldest has just turned 5, and I'm currently working out my thoughts as to how to explain, precisely, that it's okay to talk to strangers (if he's engaged by someone new and interesting in his world, whether that is through conversation or a simple, quick game of peek-a-boo at the supermarket check-out for my younger ones) OR when it's okay to talk back (if he's uncomfortable, if he doesn't like a situation, if he's being hurt).

I love teaching boundaries, unless, of course, my children use it against US. (Mummy, stop, I don't want to brush my teeth and go to bed. "Oh, shush and do as you're told.")

I was struck by the poster who corrected herself to say that "we do what the grown-ups who love us and are in charge of us ask us to do" -- she is RIGHT, but then I thought about how the vast majority of children who are physically or sexually abused are the victims of family/friends rather than the dreaded STRANGER. Therefore, it would be possible that someone who loves them and is in charge of them asks them to do something quite wrong. Isn't that Grooming 101?

So for them, it MIGHT be teaching to submit to, for example, grandpa. And that is heart-breaking.

HOW do we resolve this? I don't go for forced affection--if Son2 doesn't want to give Great Friend I Trust Explicitly a kiss bye-bye, so be it. It's his choice.

But I do NOT want my children to grow to be afraid, distrustful, suspicious. Nor do I want them to be rude or unfriendly or completely socially inept. Social abilities can be a strong positive force for children (and adults), and can bring much comfort and support throughout one's lifetime.

The world is a wonderful place to be explored, it is our job to walk the tightrope of motherhood in how we teach, how we behave, and how we react.

Bless you all, because it is damned hard out there.

Sprink x

Sun, 2009-11-08 12:42

If by "talk back" you mean being rude, then I say, if you don't mind your children being yelled at, by all means, let them talk back to strangers.

One time I was at the front desk at my vet's office with my two unruly dogs and a kid got behind us carrying his cat, so of course the dogs when Cuh-RAZY. The kid says to me in a very snotty tone:

"You should take your dogs OVER THERE. They're bothering my cat."

I could NOT believe that his father, who was standing right there, didn't reprimand him for being rude to a stranger. I also live in a part of the world (Westchester, NY) where parents are super-permissive.

And because my bill came out to be $500, I was in a PISSY mood so I swung around and said, "Hey Buddy. Why don't YOU move over there. I WAS HERE FIRST. YOU'RE the one who got next to US."

I admit, not one of my prouder moments, but the kid's father just sort of stood there, mouth agape, totally stunned.

Wed, 2009-11-11 02:24