How Do You Talk to Your Kids About Death?

My mom said something to me about death that really stuck with me. She said, "If no one ever died, there wouldn't be space on the planet for babies to be born. Think of how crowded the world would be! And I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a world without children."

It was a very secular explanation, and yet it made perfect sense to me. So, when I'm sad about someone's death, I think of how grateful I am to live in a world full of babies and children, and it makes it a little less painful.

Also, I was ticked off one time that a friend of mine died at 29, while my cranky old bat of a grandmother will probably live to be a hundred and twelve. "It's not fair!" I cried. "Well, if we all lived the same amount of time, that would be fair, right?" "Yeah," I sniffed. "But," Mom said, "Think about how different your life would be if you knew that you had 75 years exactly. Think about how that would change your choices. Do you think it would change them for better or worse?" I realized, then, that it wouldn't be better if the universe were fair, and everyone got a set amount of time to live. People would be creeps to each other, then start asking each others' forgiveness when they were 74 and 3/4. Again, secular, and it really helped.

I'm sorry for your loss, Giyen. (and sorry for calling you Kim earlier, not sure where my head was!)

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

Wed, 2009-02-25 13:46

sorry for your loss, Given!! i wish i had something riveting and profound to say, but all i can offer is a virtual hug, and encourage you to eat copious amount of bacon or cheesecake or whatever else makes you feel better when you're down. F the diet!! again, muy condolences. sucks.

Wed, 2009-02-25 12:57

My Mom (lung) and MIL (ovarian) were diagnosed with cancer 3 months apart in 2001. My MIL passed away 18 months later when my daughters were 4 and 5.5. At first we only told them that Nonna was sick but as they watched her slowly decline, they really pulled away from her and didn't want to spend much time with her UNTIL we told them what was happening. Once they understood that Nonna had cancer and that she was going to die and soon, they were no longer scared of the changes and started laying in bed with her and rubbing her feet and back - well at least for the 17 seconds they would sit still. We allowed them to be a part of the grieving process. They understood that we were sad and that it was ok for them to be sad and even angry. I have to say they were champs through the whole process.

Since then we have lost both of their great-grandfathers, great-uncle and Grandma. They understand the process, they don't like it but they understand that dying is a part of the life cycle. It is horrible and it sucks but we can't change it. We grieve and cry and that is OK.

Just a few weeks ago my now 11 yr old wanted to talk about her grandmothers and how much she missed them and how sad she is that her baby sister, who was born 8wks before my Mom died, will never know them. We talked about stories that she remembered and ones she didn't. She talked about how fun they were and how she always felt loved. She is determined that her baby sister will know how much her grandma's would have loved her.

As an aside, my older brother did not want his kids to attend my Mom's funeral because it would be too sad. The kids were 17, 14, 13 and 10 and I was very upset with him. Yes it was sad but she was their grandma and she loved them to pieces. They stayed home with their Mom but that is a whole other story.

So from my little corner, I think it is very important to talk about death and to be as honest as your kids can handle. Kids are far stronger than I think we ever give them credit forl.

Wed, 2009-02-25 18:38

i was halfway thru this video and thinking 'i am so lucky ive never been close to anyone who has died." My great grandma dies several years ago, but she was 105 and no one was surprised - she also spoke spanish only, so i didnt really know her.

my mother came home from the bank while i was watching this and informed me that someone just ran over my cat. I have been in tears for the last hour - i dont think im ready for a thing like death. I cant handle my cat dying, i certainly cannot handle a family member dying -

Wed, 2009-02-25 21:58

I'm really conflicted about how to deal with this topic as I explain it to my son later, but on a very specific level. The year before he was born, I had a baby girl who was stillborn. I think that I have the obligation to tell him that he had a sister. She had a name and was very much a wanted and loved little person who passed away at birth for reasons that we don't know. How much to tell him, though, and at what age is difficult to determine.

I myself was raised with the knowledge of an older brother who died at birth from Potter's Syndrome. I have no memory of my parents telling me about that fact, just that they talked about him sometimes and there was a photograph on the mantel. We visited his grave once, but it always made my parents so upset to talk about that I didn't bring up the issue of his birth/death.

I want it to be different with my son, but my husband and I just don't talk about our daughter who passed away. We never brought her home, so she didn't have any baby things to keep around the house (I gave back all of the gifts), and I wouldn't want him to see the photos that we have, as they're graphic and not pleasant. I think it's too sad for us, even though I can talk about the absolute shock and sadness of it with crying (it's been 3 years). My mom, twenty-five years later, can't talk about what she went through with my brother yet. I guess it's just different for everyone.

I don't want to scare my son. He was born with a heart defect that's under control right now. We aren't sure why our daughter died, but we suspect it was the same defect (I couldn't stand the thought of an autopsy at the time). I'm thinking of waiting until he's an adult, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do either.

Any advice?

Thu, 2009-02-26 20:01

The news of my daughters' deaths were thrust upon us when police and coroners showed up on the doorstep. My youngest daughter was only 8.

We talk about Jessica and Kelli, almost daily, because I don't want her to feel like she can't mention them to me. We talk about how it hurts to remember them but also we talk about how they made us laugh. She has some of their clothes and belongings.

I am trying to let her know that it's okay to be angry, to be sad, and to be happy going forward. We loved them, but we must move on in our lives. It doesn't mean we've forgotten them. Nor is it easy to heal. We will have bad days.

I'm sure as she gets older and realizes more the finality of death, she will have more questions. I hope I have answers for her.

Fri, 2009-02-27 11:07

My son is four and we talked to him about death when my grandmother died earlier this year. We talked about how we feel sad because we miss her and that's ok. We talked about how she died because she was very old and her body stopped working, and decided not to talk to him yet about dying of anything other than old age. Even this was hard, he did the math and figured out that we would probably die before him because we're older than he is and he got very sad and scared about that. We read a book with him called "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" by Leo Buscaglia, it talks about death as a part of life and is reassuring and very beautiful.

Sat, 2009-02-28 09:43

Another really good children's book for helping them deal with their own grief is The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. It's about a boy whose pet dies. (Children's books seldom directly deal with the death of a family member.) I think it's easier to help children grieve and to share your grief with them. Talking about death and what it is, what it means, that's really tough. I think the idea mentioned above about not having the language until one gets a bit older, that's key. Children may not understand the permanence of death or even that the nature of an afterlife is such that it's not a place we can just go and visit (Grandma's new change of address or something). I think there's a conceptual difficulty in imagining the end of living and the irreversibility of it. Children just don't think abstractly, especially at really young ages, and even for an adult, that's just really abstract. But I think it's really important to avoid giving them metaphors to try to make it more concrete -- like when my grandmother died when I was 6 and my mother or somebody made the analogy between death and going to sleep without waking up. Bedtime became terrifying for me.

Mon, 2009-03-09 19:58