Talking to Your Kids About Race

Like Karen, our family is adoptive and multi-racial.

Unlike Karen, we talk about it, but not in the terms Alice is dealing with. Our kids know that worldwide socioeconomic injustice exists (it's part of the kids' adoption stories), but they haven't connected it to race.

They certainly notice physical differences, though, and are never quiet about pointing them out. "Why is that lady's hair that color?" "Why does that man only have one leg?" Right now, we talk about race the same way we talk about any other physical features. Some people have blue eyes, some people have curly hair, some people have six fingers, some people have brown skin. We always add the "Everybody's different, and that's a good thing" spin.

I'm pretty open with the kids. I use age-appropriate language to explain anything they question, and I alway slant it with the attitude I want them to have, i.e. slanting a conversation about race to indicate that using skin color as a criteria for "goodness" or "badness" is just as silly as using any other physical characteristic. (Slanting the conversation about "how babies get into ladies' tummies" was way more difficult!)

Sat, 2009-10-31 20:27

I think Karen hit the nail right on the head. When it comes to race I believe that it is better to walk the walk than talk the talk. It is fine to try to teach our children not to be racist, but if we are not living life with people who are different than us, are they really going to get the picture?

My husband and I have been very deliberate in the way that we talk about race with our son who is now eight. We go to a diverse church, both racially and socioeconomically. We have friends that are black, Native American, Hispanic, Asian, white... We want our son to embrace the differences that make every person unique.

Living in the Nashville area, our boy has unfortunately heard his fair share of derogatory comments concerning those of other races. As a result my husband and I have taken the opportunity to talk to him about the history of our country and how racism still goes on. We have even talked about the systematic racism that is still prevalent in this area. We allow our son to lead the way in these conversations and discuss things with him in terms that he can understand.

As my pastor says, "Shine the light, expose the truth." I believe that ignorance and preconceive ideas about race that propagate racism. When we take the time to talk to one another, to live our lives together, that's when things change.

Tue, 2009-10-27 12:31

like karen, we dont talk about it in our house but like alice i think about it all the time.

my husband is bi-racial (korean/anglo) and his family, which is our only genetic family in the era, although largely korean has quite a few mixed families in it also. in addition, my kids godmother is black and very close with them. making matters more complicated we spend all the jewish holidays with an israeli family we are close too (we are not jewish either). the final piece is my son goes to an immersion school that is half hispanic and fully fluent in spanish.

so...i wonder all the time when my son (4) is going to notice that his world is so different than everyone elses-that other family all "look similar" and ours is this crazy quilt where we are a family not only because of genetics but because we love these people.

one day his grandma picked him up at school and the teacher thought she misunderstood when he said hi grandma because my son is white(ish) and she is korean-it passed without him noticing much but what do i say when he does notice. or when someone tells him his godmom isnt his real auntie because she is black or when he realizes we are not jews but just like sharing in the family traditions of good friends.

i guess i will know then what i want to say, i just hope its the right thing.

Fri, 2009-10-23 13:04

I actually just posted an entry on my blog (last night) discussing the "new" black Barbies and what this means for society and for my half-Asian baby (http://www.thestrollerballet.com/2009/10/inclusive-barbie.html). Raising my little Peanut has gotten me thinking about how I will talk to her about her background. It has also made me really consider the ways in which race is discussed and dealt with in our society. We have come so far as a country. A year ago, I cried, pregnant with my little Peanut, as I watched the first African American president elect deliver a victory speech in Chicago. I wonder, though, how much further we need to go. And what can I do to change people's attitudes?

Thu, 2009-10-22 17:57

First, I want to thank Carlita for the wonderful suggestions! I will now make it a point to get music and videos from other cultures to broaden our minds!

I am the mother of a biracial child (my husband is from Senegal, West Africa and I am from Kentucky) and we live in France. The French in general are very open about a lot of things, but not so much about race. So far, we haven't had any major issues with our son, but my husband has heard his fair share of comments... "you are different from the rest" meaning he is a 'good' black.

The cutest remark I've had though came from a child (1/2 American, 1/2 English) when we were boarding a plane in Geneva once... he asked where my son's father was from, then where I was from and his response was "he's just like Barack Obama. Wow, he's lucky!" And you know what, he is. I'm not saying that all white or all black children are unlucky, but he has a wonderful family history.

I truly hope that our child's generation will move beyond labels and I will do my best to raise his this way. However, sometimes I feel like Alice and wonder exactly how do you explain things. I'm up for any advice!

Thu, 2009-10-22 03:10

My husband and I have pink toes. Our sons, who are turning 3 and 4 this month, have brown toes.
This is a topic very, very close to our hearts.

We keep an important truth in mind as we navigate life as white parents of black children. No matter what we do, my cute little boys will (God willing) grow up to be black men. They will be black men in America. What the heck do I know about being a black man in our culture today? Do I even think I can begin to judge what black men in our country should be feeling or not feeling about what they experience?

I too have hopes for a world of diminishing racism, a world where each generation takes some big steps away from some of the ugliest parts of our history. But that utopia is not here now, and I don't think it will be here 30 years or 100 years from now, either. There will always be haters. I'm not going to do my sons any favors by pretending it is otherwise. We'll love each other dearly just the way we are, but what's the best way to prepare them navigate a more complicated world as adults?

In foster-care, the statistics are harsh. There is a dispraportionately large number of children of color in foster care, and it's less likely that children of color will be adopted into a permanant home. These are signs that there's a lot of things not working yet when it comes to racial justice. There's some information out there that can explain this much better than I can, which can be found here: http://www.casey.org/Resources/Publications/DisproportionalityPolicyBrie...

We are not a "color-blind" family. We see skin colors and we celebrate all of them. The subject of toes has always been a favorite with our boys for some reason, so we talk about our pink toes and brown toes. We notice when our friends or family or presidents have pink toes like mommy or brown toes like them.

We are committed to being and staying in community where our family will have natural opportunities to be in relationship with diverse families. Our friends and family with brown skin now that we treasure the opportunity for our children to be in relationship with them. Yes, we all have equal value, but that doesn't make us all the same.

Perhaps one of the best things we can all do for ourselves and our children is to really listen to each other. This is an area where none of us get to be experts. I like what another mom commented about admitting to not knowing the answers to questions. It's easier to be honest with kids about the simple truth of equality. It's harder to just admit that this is a topic that is troubled and tricky in our society right now, but I think we have to acknowledge that in order to move forward.

Well, so much for trying to keep this short...

Thu, 2009-10-22 00:23

Our family is English/Scottish/Irish decent. We live in a large diverse city though and I have had a diverse mix of friends all my life and now my son is in Senior Kindergarten he's in with a complete mix of kids as well. Racial/cultural diversity is one of the reasons we haven't left the big city and got a house somewhere cheaper. At this point he talks in terms of colours of skin and such but nothing yet to indicate he has been exposed to the tragic idea of one being somehow better or worse than another and i plan to work at keeping it that way.
It's so true that it is learned. When they're young it's ALL new information. Not just this subject but all the big stuff they're trying to make sense of. Those little minds are absorbing and then looking in our direction for how to dissect and go forth. I find that one of the coolest and scariest things about being the parent. heh heh

Wed, 2009-10-21 20:51

Wed, 2009-10-21 15:50

Race is an issue that is finally coming up in our household. I know I talk the talk, but walking the walk is more difficult -- I don't have much of a social life as it is, and what few friends I do have are all white, like myself.

I was ecstatic to see that my daughter's preschool and kindergarten classes had children of different ethnicities. She never mentioned it during preschool, but just a few weeks ago, she announced that one of the kids in her kindergarten class had brown skin. That statement was her way of opening the door on the topic.

I told her about how God makes us all different, and I tried to explain skin color in a way she'd understand. Pointing out a dark colored freckle on her leg, I told her the pigment in her skin that made the freckle was the same pigment that made some people darker, and it was sort of like that person had a freckle all over. That seemed to satisfy her curiousity for the moment, and she's not brought it up since.

Like Alice, I am very PC and don't want to say or do anything others may find offensive. I'm still trying to decide if I took the right approach or not. I'd love to hear how others explain race to their children!

Wed, 2009-10-21 13:35

We are both white. We are whiteys. We are about as white as they come. And I was raised in a predominantly white area of the country. But, I became sensitive about race at an early age when a Korean family moved to town, and their little girl was in my class, and we became friends. I lost some friends because of that, but even more horrible is the fact that the whole family was basically run out of town because of their race. At 11, I didn't quite understand what was going on, but I knew it was wrong.

We're raising our son in San Francisco, and three of his uncles are African American, so we don't see this being a huge issue for us, but I know it will come up. And basically, I'm going to tell him that there are good people in this world, there are bad people in this world, there are smart people, there are stupid people, there are honest people, there are liars, but race hasn't the slightest to do with it. I've had to have this conversation with adults, unfortunately, but it seemed to work. So that's our philosophy going forward.

Wed, 2009-10-21 09:22

Moanna is only two, so it's been a topic in her life just yet. Steve and I have friends and family from all different lifestyles, so she is exposed to many different cultures, races and so on. As she continues to grow we will continue to expose her to the many wonderful people this world has to offer. When she has questions, we will talk about things.

When I was little. I'm talking 4, and I still remember this. We were at a cookout, and there was a little girl there that I was playing with. She was a dark skinned girl, and her mom was very light skinned. I did not understand how that was possible, so I asked my mom. She looked at me and said, "That is the way her mommy wanted to make her." I don't know why, but I had no more questions and was completely content and comfortable with that answer.

Wed, 2009-10-21 07:25

I think something that's important to remember too is that it's not just white people who are racist. I lived in Asia when I was in my youth and some of the asians were very prejudiced against me as a white girl. Assuming I was rich, spoiled, was racist against them, blonde and stupid etc. It's not just white people who can be racist. Maybe even assuming that only white people can be racist is racist against white people!

Even within my own 'race' I am looked down upon for being TOO white. I am very pale and it's difficult to get tanned up for me. I don't find this a problem, it's how my skin is and my skin doesn't define who I am. It just is. But people around me often make fun of me for it and call me albino things like that.

I live in Sweden and have Finnish ancestry, and my features and name are clearly Finnish... Back when my granparents and my parents came to Sweden as refugees from the war, Swedes were incredibly racist against the Finnish. We only got very badly paid work in factories, because people thought we as a group are unintelligent, lazy and just a bunch of alcoholic losers. My parents would get bullied and spit on at school because they had an accent, and not only by the students but the teachers too. My mother dropped out of school before she graduated high school because of this. But she went back to school when she was in her 40's and eventually became a nurse (Suck it, bullies!)

With my kids, when I have them, I think I will try to take the route of making it a non issue, and not make a big deal out of it. Because to me, it really isn't a big deal. It just isn't. Maybe I was just really lucky being brought up in Asia and going to a very multicultural school, and racism not being an issue at all there. "Mommy why does that person have darker skin than me?" "For the samer reason why I'm so much paler than you and look like a dead woman walking - we're all different looking. If everyone looked the same we would be confused and never know who is who."

But I do understand that is IS an issue in society as a whole. Racism is not right. Judging people before you know them is not right, no matter what skin colour, what name, what sexual orientation, what whatever they are or have. But saying things like 'different races' just adds on to that pile I think. It makes us sound like we're from different planets or like all of us aren't homo sapiens, when we are all the same. I'm part of the human race. Not the Scandiavian race.

Wed, 2009-10-21 05:50