Temper Tantrum in Public: How Do You Deal?

My son screams. He's a screamer. So, I'm usually so mortified that I do leave. Well, at Target or the grocery store, he's pretty easily distracted with food or toys. Which I hate that I do that, but it gets the job done. He's only 18 months, when he's a bit older maybe I can reason with him. But, at a restaurant, I leave. I know people are there to have a nice night out, and probably many of them are enjoying a night away from their own children, and I don't think it's fair to sit there and let your child scream. On an airplane? I have no clue. If anyone knows how to fix that (aside from sitting near a SAINT like Daphne's friend) then please let me know. We take a trip in a week, and I'm all armed with my new books and new toys and new snacks, but I just know that will buy us only one of four hours.

Wed, 2009-11-18 11:33

A curtly spoken "You will NEVER get what you want by acting that way!" worked for my daughter (now age 6). But she was pretty easy. We only had one throw-yourself-on-the-floor incident, in which I picked her up swiftly and left the store (Target).

My son is a different story. He's 2 now (27 months, since a few months really CAN make a huge difference), and he will scream, thrash, throw his arms, go limp when I try to pick him up... just about anything he can to let me know he is NOT happy. I give him the same line I gave my daughter, but with him I also have to just leave wherever we are. Which is hard with a 6-year-old who is an angel because then she and I both are missing out on whatever we were doing (shopping, getting library books, whatever). I'll be looking back here for more tips on this one because I would LOVE to nip this in the butt now.

bwankel--as for your plane ride, you seem pretty prepared! Do you let your son have lollipops? That's a treat that will last quite a while, and if it's brand new to him, it may keep you out of a bind.

Wed, 2009-11-18 13:05

Wed, 2009-11-18 21:04

bwankel, I just took my daughter on our first plane trip with just the two of us last week. She has only gone on one other and it was with Grandma and myself and Grandma was not much help, she refused to allow her in her lap the whole time. The trip was 3 hours and going she was an angel. If you can get a bulkhead seat get it! It is totally worth it because you have leg room and the kidos can stand/sit and play on the floor comfortably. The trip back was not much fun though. The people took 45 minutes to board which was double the time as before and then the pilot took forever to take off and land. The 3 hour trip turned into 4-1/2 and it was torture. She cried and whined the whole time until the last 30 minutes when she passed out. I had a bag full of toys, books, snacks, my iphone with her favorite videos and games and my laptop with a special game that she can bang the whole keyboard and not hurt it. Nothing helped on the trip back, she was just overly tired and was not going to go to sleep. I feel bad for the flight full of college football players who were trying to get some rest after their game but she was not letting up. The only thing I can recommend is to take a cup with a straw and let them suck on it during take off and landing so they do not have ear problems and try your best to keep your cool. My daughters attention span is like 30 seconds and it was a struggle. Patience is key but after several hours of whining it was hard to come by. As soon as we got home she was handed to her daddy and I was done. I hope you have someone on the other end of your flight if it does not go well so you can have a few minutes to recoup and pull yourself together if you need it.

As far as a more normal setting like the grocery store, I ignore her and when she realizes I'm not paying attention she usually straightens herself up or we leave. We have never allowed outbursts since she was an itty bitty baby so she knows it's a no no. She's really testing the limits lately though and I'm sure I'll be back on here in the next couple of months asking what do I do?? Help me please!!

Wed, 2009-11-18 22:59

Heather I totally agree with you! I'm always glad that it's not my child. My 3 year old daughter is very sensitive. So when she starts up, usually all it takes is a stern "This is not how you act in public. Are you a baby or a big girl?" Most of the time she can pull it together. I have left a store when she couldn't pull it together, which involved trying to get a screaming/kicking child who was trying to jump back out of the car into the carseat because she didn't want to leave. Usually I'm not too bothered by tantrums. I figure that some of the people around me have had kids and understand what that is like and have some sympathy.

Thu, 2009-11-19 07:28

I had a hard time with these, I have a VERY strong willed first child. I read a book that suggested I should immediately take her out of the situation...and take her home. Well...that turned into us not having any milk for a week and a half b/c every time I left the house...she would throw a tantrum so I would return home. So...now, I will go back to the front of the store with her...take her little screaming, flailing body, and very unapologetically dump her into her own cart. I pull the cart by the hand (rather than push)...so that I don't have to get close to her...cuz she does this clinging thing where once she's in the cart she desperately tries to throw herself around my neck and pull herself out of the cart. (She's much too big for the seat in the front now, so she goes IN the cart.)

And I just let the screaming happen. I used to say firm things, I might take her into a quiet spot, or the bathroom to talk about her behavior...and then I switched to bribery and begging...and now, I just let it go. I just stop listening and go on about the shopping. I do get a lot of dirty looks. And once a stranger came up and said, "What can I do to make her stop that??"

Thu, 2009-11-19 11:08

Did Daphne change her name? :-)

Renee: "She realizes that we are not phased by her tantrum..." That's exactly my strategy with my son. reacting (in a positive way especially, but really reacting much at all, or at least responding TO them) is one of the worst things you can do in 99 percent of tantrum situations, in my opinion. They're TRYING to get a treat or a promise of a treat; they're TRYING to get your attention or make their point. Why would you respond by showing them screaming and flopping on the floor of Target will get them exactly that? I never scoff or look down my nose at parents whose kids are throwing a tantrum. (We like to say our kids are better, but so are these, probably. We're noticing them at their worst. We don't go to the grocery store and think "Oh gee, look at all these kids doing nothing of interest;" We notice the one screaming in the cereal aisle.) However, I have a really hard time not rolling my eyes at the parents who say "Here! Here! I'll get a king-sized Hershey's for later, if you just stop crying." Then you wonder why the kid does it next time at the checkout?

Which is not to say my approach is perfect, by any means. I remove him from the store/resataurant, obviously. As for quelling it, I really don't have a set strategy, other than to react in as disinterested a manner as possible, and to remove whatever advantages or diversions he was enjoying before he started tantruming. He started being a punk the other day about how he would use a few toys we'd just purchased. I calmly began bringing the toys back to return them, while dragging him with the other hand. He saw the light in about 30 seconds. Sometimes it takes longer than that, but I'm willing to endure five minutes of being embarrassed to make sure it doesn't continue to happen.

Thu, 2009-11-19 15:40

Also, I talked last night with my husband about this topic. From him, this horrible but somewhat appropriate analogy:

"It's like negotiating with a terrorist. You don't say 'OK, if you promise to let the hostages go, we'll give you a million bucks and a helicopter.' No; you tell them you're not willing to even have a conversation until they cut the crap."

Well, they DO hold our sanity hostage, at any rate.

Fri, 2009-11-20 06:52

When my kid has a tantrum on the sidewalk or in a store, I give her a chance to pull herself together, and then I just pick her up like a sack of potatoes and carry her. If I can finish something (like checking out at the grocery store), perhaps with a distraction or small concession (here, why don't you hold the cheese!), I will endeavor to do so, but I could imagine saying "I'm going to have to come back, sorry" and heading out. Of course, I live in a big city and am usually on foot, so heading out still means walking the screaming kid (over my shoulder or not) a few blocks home, which gives me an incentive to work it out some other way. Luckily, my kid is pretty good-natured and usually *wants* to be back under control, so some mix of expressing understanding of the cause with not backing down from my expectations usually works within a short span...

Tue, 2009-11-24 15:42