January 26, 2010
With the devastation in Haiti, we've taken stock of the blessings that we have: food, shelter, family, and friends. But for children who haven't experienced doing without, it's hard to teach them to thankful for their iPods, let alone for their bowl of cornflakes in the morning. So how does a mother impart the virtues of being grateful on her kids? Guest Heather Spohr of The Spohrs Are Multiplying asks, "How do you teach your children to be grateful?"
How do you teach your kids to be grateful? Do you tell your kids about others less fortunate? Do you volunteer as a family? Join the Momversation by commenting below.
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9 Comments
One thing I find funny with my son is that he is a real glass half full kind of person already. For example, when we're at the park or visiting friends and I give him his five minute warning, "Okay Jonah, five more minutes and then we're going home", he will excitedly say to whatever children are near him, "Yay! I have five more minutes! Five more minutes!" It's just one of those things that amazingly fell into place with this wonderful child. And I'm grateful that he has that attitude, and I know that he will go through life appreciating the time he has, and he'll make the most of it.
As for having gratitude for material things, he mostly does. We went through a time when he would throw his toys about a lot, and so I found myself giving him many lectures about how we must treat our things with respect because they have been given to us in love. And one time I did actually pack up every last one of his toys for a week (okay fine, I was glad he was only two-and-a-half and did not realise how long the week actually was because I couldn't make it... it was about a four-day week in the end), and he does remember that and he doesn't want that to happen again.
We do talk about being grateful for the things we have. We pray together and thank God for what we have, and the people in our lives. Jonah will actually thank God for our TV, the walls, his bedroom door, all of our lights, the pool, our puppy, his teachers at kindy, the carpet... It goes on a bit, but it's very sweet.
Most importantly, I make it a point to show him the things he should truly be grateful for, like a walk on the beach, time together to talk, the love and trust we have between us. Making sure he knows how unimportant possessions are is the biggest factor. When you walk away from the television and the "stuff", their eyes open and that's when they start noticing and asking questions about life. That goes for us as much as the kids.
Thu, 2010-01-28 04:35
I really liked this one. I somehow thought it was going to be really similar to the tragedy episode, but it wasn't in the least, though I guess the two are related. I was initially trying to figure out why I had thought such a thing, and I think it's because a lot of us tend to come down in the style of -- or sometimes avoid the conversation altogether because of -- the "Don't you know there are children starving in the world?!? Eat your macaroni and cheese right FREAKING NOW!" Isn't that the classic image of a mother "teaching her child to be grateful when there are those less fortunate?"
But real gratitude doesn't just come from the realization that other people's lives suck (which is why I linked it with straight-up tragedy) -- it comes from a realization that these things we're discussing are good and wonderful and rich in a fundamental sense in addition to monetarily or even amount-of-food-wise; and that we are truly fortunate to have them, and that we should do all we can to both savor these treasures in our own lives as well as maintain and raise awareness of those who don't have these things. A living wage is more than just pocket money. It's peace of mind about your life and that of your family. A car is more than just a convenience. It's being able to be there for someone. I was stranded for a few HOURS in the mountains without food once. I wasn't even close to almost thinking about maybe staving. But food was one of the occupying, dominating forces in my mind. How awesome that we can just stuff our faces and get on with the business of living. Really, how incredibly amazing is that?
I hope I teach my son by example, mostly. I try to be light-hearted about our difficulties, focus on what's important, all that mushy stuff. Most of all, I try to raise him with awareness and compassion. I think you hit the nail on the head, Heather, when you said it's about generosity. He has the biggest heart in the world. He up and wants to start his own charity, and I didn't bring it up first. He won't play a game if anyone is feeling left out. I have to think that means I'm doing something right.
Don't get me wrong; I'm as spoiled and complacent as the next American. My husband and I have griping sessions about whose car will quit first. I just baked a huge chicken breast, and the oven messed up, causing me a whole two minutes' extra work, and I wasn't acting grateful at all. I was employing several colorful metaphors to describe the chicken, oven, and my feelings.
I just wait until he's in bed to do it.
Wed, 2010-01-27 21:27
Gratitude is something that are beginning to instill in Moanna now. She's two, so I know she doesn't wholly understand why we are volunteering and giving to others, but I know she gets it a little bit.
Our first go at this was on Halloween. By the time Halloween came, she had been to several Halloween parties, so instead of Trick-or-treating we stayed home and handed out candy to the neighborhood kids.
When the Holiday's came, we did two charity projects with Moanna. We shopped for an angel off the local angel tree, and we volunteered at a big food basket packing event in our community. Moanna loved both projects. We allowed her to make decisions of what presents to buy, and let her put cans of food in the boxes. They were tangible projects, and we told her that we were doing these things to help people have a Happy Holiday. I wrote about both projects on my blog.
In the Spirit of Giving
We will continue to find opportunities for us to volunteer and give back to the community. I think that giving children the opportunity to help others is what makes them grateful for the life they live. It empowers them and makes them feel good when they see that their efforts are bringing happiness to others.
Wed, 2010-01-27 19:48
I think the previous commenter made some really heart-felt points about her views related to what she feels grateful about but I do think Heather's example of the car is a valid one in relation to recognizing layers of privilege. I work with many at-risk, struggling women and many of them talk about appreciating what they view as their starting point for making changes in their lives. I guess I don't hear it as guilt-inducing but rather an acknowledgement that things could be - and are -worse for others. It's a complicated discussion because it's really a class/economic justice issue. I think this goes in the right direction - the moms here are talking about how to teach our children to spend their privilege rather than jealously guard it. And I believe that if we have enough people thinking about how we can teach our children to challenge what isn't fair in the world the greater chance we have at achieving meaningful change.
Wed, 2010-01-27 17:49
One part of this that hit me wrong...was that I should be grateful for my beatup old car, b/c at least I HAVE a car. Until this year, I had never owned a car that wasn't at least 10 years old...they never had A/C, and I lived in Florida. I had 2 pregnancies that stretched over summer. I was grateful not to be WALKING in that heat, but the truth of the matter is that I probably never would have walked. I could have had my mother drive me, I could take a taxi (eh, those are pretty pricey). The last car I owned sometimes randomly didn't start. There was no rhyme or reason to it. It could be hot, cold, wet, dry, day, or night...and any numer of combinations of other factors. And I couldn't predict if it would get me where I wanted to go. That car was a major burden.
I don't think we need to get into the "Oh, I have a penny in my pocket, so I should be gratful b/c there are people that don't have pennies!!" ? No. That's not being grateful.
Being grateful is knowing that even if my car didn't start, my mom was there for me to help me. That if she wasn't I had the fortitude and smarts to make my situation work. THAT is what I'm grateful for. That no matter what the situation actually is, I can make it work for me.
We don't have a lot of things, we have been poor to the point where we wondered where our next meal would come from. But I was more grateful that I could GET MYSELF out of that situation if I worked hard enough, and tried hard enough.
I do want my child to be happy with what she has, I want her to be glad we're not living on the streets. But I'm not going to insist she feel good b/c she has toys when she could easily have none. Right now, the way I teach that is just to say Thank You a lot, or say out loud how I am happy with things. This new car is great! It's got a lot of miles on it, but if I take care of it right, it'll last! Part of being grateful is not dwelling on what I don't have...or how much more I have than others. There are people worse off than me, but I don't feel like I should carry guilt around in the disguise of gratefulness over it.
Wed, 2010-01-27 12:09
I can see your point, SilverXeno, and I think Heather would chime in here if she hadn't just had a baby! But I'll see what I can do.
I think you can have both the gratitude *and* the acknowledgment that the struggles you have are real. You can say, "Wow, this sucks, and yet it could be so much worse, and thank goodness it's not that." Perspective is important, and so is honoring yourself and your feelings. If you can't acknowledge how much a given situation sucks, I think you're going to be less likely to show empathy for people going through similar or worse situations--the "it could be worse" game could go on and on, after all.
Also, there's a difference between you telling *yourself* that it could be worse, and someone else saying it to you. There's nothing worse or more shaming than telling someone your troubles, and hearing, "It could be worse." It's so dismissive. I can see how even hearing it on a video can put you on the defensive, but I don't think that was the intention.
Thu, 2010-01-28 19:28
Hmm...I have actually been accused of having no empathy! I don't think it's true...I just think I pick & choose those situations more carefully.
I also somethings think "it could be worse," is so DUH! Yeah, the homeless in the US have it pretty darn, good, huh? None of them are burried under rubble or drinking their own urine to survive... What are they complaining for? ;)
So...I guess I just would rather look at things like "How can I make this situation better?" instead of "I'm so grateful I'm not in a worse situation."
Fri, 2010-01-29 03:38
I don't think anyone means to imply you have no empathy; it's just a different way of looking at things. There really is no exact right way. Do you do your best to truly appreciate what is important, to understand others, and to pass on the right way of seeing and addressing the world? Of course you do. As do I, and Alice, and everyone here. Do any of us do it right all or even most of the time? I bet not. Do any two of us do it the same? Nope. The world is complicated and sucky and wonderful and interconnected and damn confusing. All we can do is our best.
I guess sometimes, and I'm trying not to make any judgments or implied statements about things in our own country here, I just think we simply are not aware of the situations in other parts of the world. There was a thing going around Facebook that basically said How dare you America, for helping Haiti, when there are poor people here. To me, that implies a total lack of understanding of the situation, and I have too much faith in humanity. I have to believe that if more people were aware of the full implications of just how poor they are and how many of them need help and how little help they receive, they would have a different attitude. (Also: THAT'S what I would define as lack of empathy, not refusing to be happy about your own misfortune.)
And I like the distinction between saying it about your own situation and someone else's, Alice. Someone coming off as dismissive would piss me off. Hell, I was mad the sink was full of dirty dishes and my husband was dismissive, and he heard about it.
I think we're all trying our best. That's what matters. I think everyone here has empathy.
Fri, 2010-01-29 12:31
I guess I can see why the be-grateful-for-what-you-have-even-when-it-isn't-great thing might hit you a little askew, SilverXeno, but I do tend to agree with it on the whole -- and rest assured, this is coming from someone whose family is barely making ends meet right now, who is eyeball-deep in debt, and who has to affix her passenger-side mirror back onto the car before each trip. (On the positive side, the dangling-by-a-thread mirror is a nice conversation starter.) Also, I have to shift into neutral at most stoplights, or it feels like we're in a particularly turbulent helicopter. Am I happy about my car and its overall condition? Not particularly. Am I grateful to have a car? Definitely.
I get that you mean true gratitude should be reserved for the relationships and deepest riches in our life, like those who will come through for you if the car doesn't start. And our family has always come together to make any situation work for us, no matter the circumstances. But I have to believe families in Haiti, Somalia, or anywhere else often have the same thing (for which I'm sure they are grateful), whatever form the family and the connections and love take. I remember a story about a ten-year-old boy who raised his two brothers. He hardly ever ate. I'm sure they were all grateful for each other, truly. But am I grateful to have a few bites when they don't? Am I grateful to have a few cents (even if it only is a few), and an education, and a car and a house and ohmygosh I just can't even believe how freaking much I have? Yes.
I do completely get what you mean; I just think we can remember the most important things in life -- and also remember we are REALLY lucky to have the other stuff, too.
Wed, 2010-01-27 21:12